Vatican goes green, and why text messages are evil

Considering the News…

In its latest attempt to embrace the digital age the Vatican is calling all Catholics and deploring believers to put down those sin-riddled cellphones during these glorious days of self-inflicted self-deprivation known as Lent. And it’s about bloody time.

Alas, how so dreadfully often furious typers of text messages neglect to take an occasional moment to bask in the glory of the Lord,  appreciating the sacrifices Christ made many centuries ago to guarantee our ability to text in peace.

So many times Mass goers have looked in uncontrolled horror as an iPhone clings to one believer’s hand while the body of Christ is placed in the other.

Why must these menacing iPod headphones dangle from ears when almighty and all-knowing priests speak the word of the Lord?

How can we not go one day a week without obsessing over the stats and numbers on our computers at work?

Must we drive those 17 unholy miles to work every day of Lent, or can a bike suffice for the sake of sacrifice?

Indeed, the Vatican – the guiding light it is, the beacon of hope we gratefully accept it to be – has composed a righteous list of ways to shun technology for these 40 days of Lent.

The Pope has blessed this manifesto of ways for circumventing the inherent dangers and evils of computers, iPhones, and Facebook.

All we can do is hope. Pray. Accept this list as a means for coming closer to God. For emulating the sacrifices Jesus so unselfishly made many years ago.

For more tips on how to become a better Catholic, please visit the Vatican website. Or, please befriend Pope Benedict on his Facebook and MySpace pages. Or, for those wanting some viral proverbs, feel free to tune into the Vatican YouTube Channel that is now available.

See you all after Easter!

Iran is ticked at Hollywood – Plus, why movie stars make wonderful diplomats

Considering the News…

It’s rather delightful to learn Iran finally has its priorities in a peaceful place, and it can only be a matter of time before relations with the West are repaired for the collective good of all. Indeed, good times await us yet.

The occasionally troublesome nation took earnest strides this past weekend by warmly hosting a team of Hollywood directors, producers and actors who ventured to the surging American vacation destination for a film-making seminar.

Here they were kindly greeted by President Ahmadinejad’s personal film and cinema adviser – that such a cabinet position even exists has yet to spawn any headlines, although surely this will change in time – who politely and respectfully requested some form of apology for Hollywood’s brazen role in the production of “300″ and “The Wrestler”, two movies Iran contends to be blatantly anti-Persian and with very good reason.

Thank God Warren Beatty’s wonderful wife Annette Bening was present to defuse the awkward situation.

The stunning and graceful starlet, best known for her moving performances in the Hollywood blockbuster “Mars Attacks” and one particular 1987 episode of “Miami Vice”, did not reportedly say or doing anything prolific, however, neither are there any reports of her abduction or imprisonment – which, of course, is a positive thing. So as I stated before, thank God she was there.

The trip is part of a grand strategy to breed peace between Iran and America through the universal love and appreciation for movies. As all forms of Iranian mass media are closely overlooked by Ahmadinejad’s regime, the eventual benevolence between the two nations seems incredibly likely, if not inexorable.

Ahmadinejad did not issue an immediate response to the joyous gathering, but he is believed to be a wholehearted fan of “Bugsy”, which for obvious reasons bodes well for Bening’s safe return to America. Perhaps not.

Either way, it’s encouraging to know Iran didn’t make an ugly mess of this otherwise harmless trip. Lord knows Hollywood stars can be rather difficult at times.

Michael Jackson’s nose is gone – No one surprised

Considering the News…

Michael Jackson is a man of confidence. A selfless guy. One who captivates a room of any size, no matter how many stars grace the floor. He teaches us that vanity is by no means a virtue, and for that we are all better people.

Thus, we praise not only his music catalog but look to him for guidance in navigating this cruelest of worlds. That a man of unmatched talent and unrivaled stardom should turn to plastic surgery seemingly every other week can only mean one thing – he is showing us the path to spiritual liberation.

The entire Jackson family is comprised of upstanding citizens and role models, strong-willed folks who put humanity and goodness before selfish wants and desires.

But only Michael could make such a prolific sacrifice – his cherished nose. Sad reports are surfacing and the outlook is grim. It appears Michael’s frequent trips under the knife have finally got the best of him, and a ruthless skin disease threatens the lovely little nose we have come to accept as a vision of perfection.

Because of Michael I will seek a more perfect face. Because of him I will have no rhinoplasty no matter how large and ominous my nose might often seem. Because of him I have seen the light, and there is a fine nose beneath it.

It is the nose given to me at birth. The nose god meant for me to have. And for that I shall never face the dire day when I have no nose at all.

The Sanctity of Marriage – Plus, why gay marriage and polygamy have a chance

Considering the News…

There’s a lovely story out of Indiana receiving tremendous news coverage, of a 68-year-old woman who’s had the honorable privilege of marrying 23 times, with the marriages lasting as long as seven years and as little as 36 hours.

Born Linda Lou Taylor, this bride of brides is a living ode to the beauty of marriage, embracing all its ups and downs, in sickness and in health, a life’s work devoted to advancing the significance of this most sacred institution.

In these dark moral times of homosexuals fighting for marriage rights and polygamists pressing for the right to wed multiple partners, Linda Lou Taylor’s courageous story underscores the vital importance of preserving marriage as a union between only man and woman.

Why, would homosexuals be capable of marrying 23 different times? Not a chance. They don’t have the stomach for it.

And what about polygamists – could any of them achieve 23 partners at one time? Of course not, what an absolutely silly thought.

We must all applaud Linda Lou Taylor’s strong will and unrelenting dedication to this earnest and really, really serious cause. Thanks to her our children and our children’s children will one day be able to marry and divorce and marry and divorce and marry and divorce and marry again as many times as they deem necessary – supposing, of course, they are heterosexual God-fearing Christians who love and respect their partners, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, at least one in 23 tries.

Here’s to you Linda Lou Taylor – you’re one lousy tramp! But at least you’re not gay or Mormon. Now THAT would be a moral travesty.

British, French nuclear subs collide – Plus, why Iran and North Korea might as well have a few nukes

Considering the News…

France and Britain are rather crimson and clover in the face today, as nuclear-armed submarines from the two national powers played a viscous game of underwater chicken, with neither side ever deciding to bail out.

Too much pride on the line, I suppose. And that’s a good thing, even if a couple dozen warheads colliding is not.

Some physical harm was endured, yes – mostly non-lethal bumps, bruises, and scratches – yet the major damage comes in the volatile form of concerned members of the press and members of a growing citizens group known simply by the succinct moniker Not too crazy about getting accidentally blown up because trained officers cannot clearly distinguish a nuclear-armed submarine from a dead whale.

(Indeed, any given day will find me willing to take a chance with 100 warheads before crossing the aforementioned citizens group. No hesitation whatsoever.)

It is true that history has bared witness to myriad mishaps by the French and British armed forces, however, this most clumsy incident illustrates just how integrally connected we all are as citizens of the same world, and that these blunders risk ravaging more than mere national pride.

While the self-proclaimed good guys forecast imminent global doom should Iran or North Korea ever obtain nuclear weapons, perhaps the more pressing concern is our allies throwing 50 warheads in the trunk and driving around with a head full of whiskey, wine and downers.

And yet who can condemn the British or the French? This obviously is no fault of theirs.

That two nuclear-armed submarines managed to collide in the Atlantic Ocean, as ridiculous as it all is considering the infinite space and avenues, is a bloody amazing feat for which only god can take credit.

The math alone requires us to forgive the two mortal nations without questions, punishment, or ridicule, as this was not of their doing. It would be like two 8-foot-tall redheads with 160 IQs and only 8 toes running into each other on a bike trail in Wichita, Kansas. Just doesn’t happen without good reason.

What won’t be forgiven is our grave suspicions of the ocean, for the world survived another day, but at what cost. I for one will never step foot in the Atlantic again, lest I wish for my right foot to fall off and grow tentacles and a set of teeth in its place. No, that doesn’t sound too swell at all.

The Colonel’s fried chicken secret is safe – Plus, why nobody cares

Considering the News…

Fried chicken enthusiasts can rest easy today, thanks to comforting reports the beloved KFC recipe has at last been safely transported and secured in a secret vault somewhere in the enchanted hills of Kentucky.

Learning the exact contents of this hand-written document – penned by the mystical Colonel himself – has sent fried chicken impersonators through the depths of hell, as countless combinations have failed in the honorable quest of authentically replicating the mythical 11-herb mixture.

Few things have incited greater culinary madness through the ages, with some comparing the importance of the scintillating chicken recipe to that of Jesus’ bread, Emeril’s Caribbean-style chicken, and Bo Jackson’s signature BO Burger.

Naturally, every precaution was taken in transporting the historical document – with many security guards and a handcuff briefcase involved in the covert mission – before it was finally laid to rest in a high-tech vault that will be guarded around the clock by living personnel. And thank God for that.

At any given time, but only two living KFC executives harness the dear privilege of knowing the full recipe, which no doubt qualifies them both for the ‘Luckiest Damn Person Alive Competition’ held annually in Waukee, Iowa.

Merely disclosing a single element of the recipe means instant death by way of the guillotine, a long-standing Kentucky law that has surely survived many Supreme Court challenges, as it is no secret Rehnquist loved nothing more than a late-night bucket of crispy and succulent fried chicken.

Yes, this 68-year-old legend of a recipe is poised to remain a well-kept treasure for at least another 10 years, when slumping sales inspire KFC executives to move the document yet again, to any even bigger vault, with even more human security guards – reminding Americans the Colonel’s chicken is still accessible at your local KFC chain store.Today. And right now.

I myself haven’t eaten the filth in years. Maintaing a good cholesterol level just doesn’t allow for it, I’m afraid. Plus, the grocery store fried chicken tastes just as good, if not much better.

Obama to limit executive bonuses – Plus, why high-class prostitution will suffer

Considering the News…

As the financial crisis paralyzes every industry not specializing in online pornography, ill-timed is President Obama’s audacious plan to limit executive bonuses for companies receiving “exceptional assistance” under the bailout program.

A closer glimpse into this seedy plan only further illustrates how downright silly his shameless middle-class pandering has become.

No secret is it the extravagant taste of these very executives is solely responsible for keeping the luxury industries afloat – so what could possibly compel Obama to risk undermining this sector of the market at such a time?

Why, who will buy the $100 lobster dinners should this plan come to fruition? Or the private jets! How can that industry realistically survive if General Motors has merely one jet instead of five?

Caviar, yachts, private golf clubs, exotic beauty products, Oliver Goldsmith sunglasses, Stefano Bemer shoes – I ask you, Mr. President, where will the customers come from if under-performing executives of collapsing corporations fail to receive outrageous and undeserved compensation?

And this is to say nothing of the high-class prostitution business! Where will the next great generation of lawyers and doctors come from if aspiring professionals cannot fund graduate school because the underground service industry went belly up?

Obama and the Dream Team Circus claim to boast a myriad of fantastic tricks to bewilder the eye and wow the crowd – but this particular performance, I am afraid to say, is incredibly underwhelming, unrewarding, and greatly lacking both theme and direction.

Back to the dressing room, Good sir, the audience is getting rather anxious.

Michael Phelps enjoys a nice toke – Plus, why Olympic champions who get photographed smoking pot make good role models

Considering the News…

Supernatural athletic ability may launch one to the pinnacle of the sports world, however, it evidently can help one mature with no more haste than the virgin junior-varsity bench warmers of the world.

That a 23-year-old male engaged in a fuzzy little bong session at a frat party will alarm few. In fact, a 23-year-old male enjoying an occasional toke seems right in line with American tradition, post 1955.

Law students, nurses, veterinarians, trash collectors, political aides – choice of profession has no chemical effect on the innate connection between 20-somethings and the ganja. The synergy between the two is quite remarkable.

And yet once 14 or 15 Olympic gold medals enter the fog, stunned faces steal the majority like somebody just crapped on the president’s shoe. Bemused people all wondering how God’s holy world could ever allow for a sports icon to become the front runner for High Times Man of the Year.

Michael Phelps is without question a legend in the athletic sense, but his frequently impaired and hypocritical judgment reminds us he is no more a role model than a blazed, barely conscious, wannabe Rastafarian in Central Park.

His destiny has become quite predictable: Win a Volkswagen van full of gold medals and make an ass of himself for an encore.

Thus, American media is premature in proclaiming him a role model, for what parent wants his life for their children?

Who says, ‘I want my son to win 6 gold medals, follow it up with a DUI, mend his image by joining a World Anti-Doping Agency program, win another 8 gold medals, get a million dollars from Speedo, have everyone calling, then give my wife a bloody heart attack by getting photographed pulling bong tubes and feeling up a stripper – all in a few-year span.”

No one. That’s too damn much for even the sturdiest minds.

Thus, Michael Phelps may be a role model after all, and as important a role model as there ever was. I suspect now I will one day have the ‘Michael Phelps’ talk with my children, emphasizing that while gold medals and endorsements can do a great deal for one’s public image and self esteem, voyeuristic photographers will stop at nothing to leave their wonder world in a ruins of g-strings and bong water.

“So what will it be, son?” I shall ask. “Do you wish for a private life where you are free to smoke marijuana and grope strippers in your spare time, or do you want to be an Olympic champion getting paid millions to pose in a Speedo, never able to freely smoke some marijuana, or perhaps grope a stripper or two, without the whole world going ape shit?”

His initial response will reflect what kind of person he intends to be. My only wish is he passes on the Speedo.

Octuplets move to mystery mansion – Plus, why everyone with six kids should have another eight

Considering the News…

Scintillating details of the California octuplets remain shrouded in mystery, now four days removed from the babies’ removal from the mother’s womb.

Traditionally patient and polite news media is growing uncharacteristically anxious. Many pressing questions remain unanswered. What are their names? Who are the eight fathers? Are they Clippers or Lakers fans?

Yet the family is proceeding with painstaking secrecy and caution, striving to protect the anonymity of these eight little miracles, and paying no mind to the joyful reporters calmly seeking an interview.

The latest rumor seasoning this savory story is word the parents already have six little miracles – meaning their humble home has now contributed 14 healthy and happy and necessary additions to the otherwise scarcely populated state of California.

Unfortunately, heartless skeptics now wrongly question the family’s sincerity, speculating the true incentive for breeding eight little miracles simultaneously is an unbridled desire for fame and undeserved gifts. But that’s not the honest Christian thing to do, now is it.

Representing this batch of miracles is the grandfather ( identifying himself as Ed), who has offered few guarantees or promises thus far, aside from leaking word of a huge mystery mansion existing somewhere in the remote hills of the countryside, well beyond the mental and physical limits of lazy media members.

There, he says, his two dozen or so grandchildren will live in unchallenged secrecy, never bothering with the unworthy outside world. That 16 miracles can move anywhere in this country without anyone noticing is a relatively common feat destined for absolute, unhindered success. They will probably never be found, seen, or heard from again.

They certainly will never stoop to repeating the same trite interview again and again for any TV station agreeing to donate to the college fund, a college fund that will undoubtedly go toward the octuplets’ education alone, and not to any extravagant trips or boats or new cars or an even bigger mystery mansion in the even more remote hills of the countryside.

I wish the family only the absolute best. A great service they have done for the world. Think of how much less crime there would be if every family with six children made the admirable decision to take fertility drugs (true story) and have another eight.

We can only wonder how many less cars would be on the road. How much food everyone would have. How much cheaper college tuition would be. How many less people would be on welfare. How many more people would be employed. How many more people would be able to visit Wal-Mart and buy Chinese toys and appliances.

Indeed, we can only wonder.

The flabby saga of Jessica Simpson – Plus Barack Obama proves in one week that he is not God

Considering the News…

Thirsting for a major news story to fill the ominous void left by the passing of President Barack Obama’s inauguration, the mainstream media naturally turned to Jessica Simpson’s luscious jelly rolls.

I cannot honestly claim to be surprised, nor can I fathom any other way this could have unfolded. The sequence of events makes rather perfect sense.

A country predominately comprised of fat, hypocritical, superficial louts falls in love with a transcendent public figure, unwittingly believes manifest change will sweep through the land by the efforts of one, only to then direct all eyes and attention to a flabby, washed-up music icon 7 days later.

This must be poetic justice for the conservative fellows who trumpeted the farce of Obama’s celebrity from the beginning. While President #44 may indeed salvage the economy, resurrect our foreign endeavors, and breed unparalleled mental peace, he certainly cannot wrench our attention away from flabby, washed-up music icons. An impossible feat, if ever one was so.

Ms. Simpson’s pooch has now spawned one of the most contentious public discourses since the November election, as a myriad of pundits and talk show hosts (many of the female variety) don capes and attempt to save Simpson’s dignity. Another impossible feat.

What they fail to understand is that Jessica Simpson’s jiggly mid-section is deserving of ridicule, for she claimed the admiration of many only by flaunting a once impeccable figure. Once that falters, so does America’s appreciation for her existence. If sheer singing ability and intelligence defined her, I would not have invested 20 minutes of my time in writing these playful words. She would be just another fat, hypocritical, superficial lout clogging up the pores of America.

But perhaps there is hope for Simpson to reinvent her image, maybe as a physical metaphor for the American people, the people who once soared to wondrous heights by utilizing god’s gifts, only to stuff the spoils down the chute with no sense of consequence.

This unflattering attention will likely inspire Simpson to hit the treadmill, working earnestly to reclaim her fruitful form. The true wonder is whether America can do the same.

Rod Blagojevich: Public Menace, National Hero, or Both? Plus a brief list of things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor and renowned public ass Rod Blagojevich fancies himself to be somewhat of a hero.

Actually, that statement does him no justice whatsoever. Many apologies to his family for selling the man so short.

He fancies himself to be one of the most prolific and undeniably great heroes in American history – make that world history while we’re at it – a stalwart supporter of due process, civil liberties, and everything that is right and just in the universe.

This righteous man, one of the humblest you could hope to meet,  freely compares himself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi. Yes, I know. That Ghandi.

And rightly so.  These fine gentlemen were imprisoned for their persistence and pursuit of spreading revolutionary ideals. Blago is being impeached for corruption.

These profound men inspired millions, spawned mass movements and permanently transformed antiquated public opinions. Blago sacrificed his dignity so late night talk show hosts might never again suffer a shortage of hair jokes.

These selfless men endured the brutal wrath of millions, faced endless death threats, and bared the burden of so many, all in hopes of leaving behind a more tolerant world. Blago skipped the opening of his Senate impeachment hearings to go on “The View” and condemn unfair trials to Barbara Walters.

Because Rod Blagojevich is a veritable man of the people. Always has been, really.

“I’m talking to Americans to let them know what’s happening in the land of Lincoln,” he said so valiantly. “If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you.”

Transcendent words from a brilliant man. If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you. Any of you!

That most Americans never have the opportunity to appoint a U.S. Senator doesn’t undermine his point, it reinforces it.

That most Americans have never been caught on federal wiretaps attempting to sell such an appointment to the highest bidder doesn’t compromise his defense, it only endears him to the state senators charged by the citizens of Illinois to deliver a fair verdict.

There is much to learn from the Rod Blagojevich saga. Thoughts on traditional common sense and ethics have been forever altered.  For that we must thank the man. Even if he is no hero, he is still the delusional ass with a silly haircut who reminded Americans that a free market doesn’t necessarily mean everything is for sale. Just one more thing to teach my kids one day.

Things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market (In order of my learning them):

1. Anything belonging to my sister, with extra emphasis on her internal organs.

2. Any automobile not immediately belonging to me, with extra emphasis on automobiles rightfully owned by my parents.

3. Any small child, with extra emphasis on children entrusted to you by parents paying for services from the daycare you may or may not be employed at.

4. Any sexual favors, with extra emphasis on favors you are not readily willing to perform but are eagerly awaiting to be performed by women you may or may not have met on random street corners.

5. Any federal appointments, with extra emphasis on any federal appointment discussed in a room where federal wiretaps may or may not be present.

As is always the case, this list is amendable at any time. Thanks again for your submission, Rod.

Bush vacates the White House, a terribly sad sun sets

Considering the News…

President Bush is back in Crawford, Texas, the sun having set at last on his memorable and abundantly eventful presidency. It’s back to civilian life, back to making trivial decisions that affect no one of interest.

Done are the presidential press conferences that inspired the collective cheers of so many Americans, all lauding his fine leadership while saying, “Just look at the truth spray from the glorious fountain that is his blessed mouth.”

Gone are the nightly compliments paid by popular late night talk show hosts, who so often honored President Bush with flattering Top Ten lists illustrating his competence and valor, or featured unforgettable clips from his valiant speeches, inevitably comparing him with the prolific orators who preceded him to the Oval Office.

Evaporated is the comforting notion of unchallenged national security, impregnable to the venomous terrorists hellbent on sowing America’s terrible doom, forever ready to sweep up any suspicious rogue who attempted to board the wrong plane or make the wrong cell phone call.

Lost is the simple honesty and crystal transparency of the Executive Branch, where Bush devoted the entirety of his eight years to illuminating to us common Americans the duties and privileges of this uncommon office, incidentally proving formidable leaders are never compromised by arrogance, stubbornness, or hubris.

Ended are the jovial bonds forged in the Bush administration, a successful experimentation in which friends and close colleagues worked intimately together to achieve the monumental, dismissing the antiquated sentiment that only a hodgepodge of so-called experts can propell the country to unbridled prosperity.

The nation, and thus the world, is much different today. A queer and unsettling feeling looms. Can our country survive without George W. Bush, the man who so cautiously overlooked our armed forces and national pocketbook with prudence and due diligence, the Commander-in-Chief who sacrificed his own passion, familial grudges, and personal agenda for the betterment of his treasured country?

No one can be certain. The future looks grim, with only a hint of sunshine gleaming off the coast of Hawaii. No expert myself, I have no authority to say.

But as a proud and concerned citizen of the greatest nation in history, I’m sure as shit ready to find out. God damn.

President Bush delivers inspiring farewell speech – Few listen and some laugh uproariously

Considering the News…

President George W. Bush delivered a heart-warming, belly-tingling, buns-tickling farewell to the nation yesterday, and I’m both alarmed and appalled that this magnanimous leader – general of all things mighty, admiral of all that is right – was given second ticket to an airplane landing in the Hudson River of all places.

Never mind that America has gone terror free since that infamous September day back in 2001. No, we wouldn’t want to pay Sir Bush any gratitude for that startling accomplishment. And that’s to mention nothing of the sweeping social progress in Afghanistan and Iraq, where swimming pools and McDonald’s restaurants are being built daily. I know, right, we’re bringing recreation and exquisite dining to the Middle East and still lacking is the litany of cards thanking Bush for his heroic labors.

And did I mention this airplane incident didn’t even amount to any fatalities? What happened to the old “Blood leads” creed that has been an indisputable ratings booster since the inception of this thing television? What happened to sticking to your guns, both figuratively and literally? Why, George Bush has over 4,000 gruesome deaths on his watch, and still he can’t even get 13 uninterrupted minutes to bid us farewell.

That American media is in shambles, faltering, sinking, capsizing with a torrent crash, need not be said. And now we know why. In lieu of the traditional blood and guts that endeared a country so obsessively to one medium, the news media chose a deathless plane ride that ended with pictures of people cruising safely across the Hudson River in boats.

Well, if America desires feel-good sunshine stories over the bungled artistry of a master manipulator like George W. Bush, then I say good riddance to the whole blasted thing. Here we have one of the most extraordinary criminal minds of our time hanging up his crowbar and wiretap, and we do no more than sit idly by, sharing trivial God bless Americas because some fortunate citizens managed to ride on a plane and boat in the same hour.

I give up.

The Osama Bin Laden Guide to Immortality

Considering the News…

Former terrorism mogul and one-time television sensation Osama bin Laden has lugged his crippled bones out of the death box once again, this time calling for jihad hell in Israel until Jerusalem is rightfully or wrongfully (who really knows) returned to the Palestinians.

Bin Laden, the generous soul that he was, also welcomed the President-elect to the world stage with a nugget of invaluable advice, namely that his unthoughtful predecessor is leaving him a pile of shit and he might consider withdrawing American troops if he doesn’t wish to step in it.

Initially, my reaction to this latest installment in The Middle East is Fucked Diaries was “Wow, that inbred clown is still around. Go figure.” Then it was, “Wow, what happened to al-Quaida’s marketing budget? They go from polished militant videos to a barely audible audio recording played over a picture of Osama from 1998? Something’s gone terribly wrong here. Have they not been to Best Buy Dubai lately? Have they not seen the kickass HD camcorders on the market?”

Further analyzing this Wizard of OZ tomfoolery spawned thoughts of my own immortality, and what low-budget production might prolong my own impact beyond these living days. The exact nature and capacity of my impact concerned me little – only how I could prolong the damn thing.

Thus I commenced recording a manifest compilation of random, spontaneous, and often times nonsensical ramblings. No topic escaped my attention. I realized that the recorded word, no matter how outlandish, could ultimately breed everlasting life if the right people managed my affairs after my expiration.

My plan now is to find someone, anyone, to play my tapes (Yes, I’m using tapes) once every six months after my death. Then it will be as if I were alive and well and speaking the fine words of wisdom myself – and in real time, too.

By recording 200 or 300 variations of the same speech – occasionally throwing in a fact I trust will withstand the test of time (Say, the Palestinians and Israelis fighting an everlasting holy war) – and then summoning a responsible and trustworthy colleague to play the tapes while holding up a picture of me (Personal Note: Find old high school baseball photos), then immortality will be mine.

That oafish assclown Osama was a ruthless son of a bitch, but he certainly had it all figured out. What a prodigious mind that rat bastard had to be. Way ahead of his time. And apparently beyond his time to boot.

Economy Down but Chlamydia Up – Fair Trade Off

Considering the News…

Having grown weary from the exhaustive news coverage of our economy being in shambles and  the fate of everyone essentially being doomed, I was more than pleased to learn chlamydia is surging like a blind horse in heat.

One can read about new record  lows only so many times before he goes madly insane, so this recent report that America’s favorite venereal disease is on the up and up comes at an ideal time. That this economic turmoil has incited a myriad of suicides but hasn’t yet extinguished our desire to have rampant, unprotected, hate sex is just the good news we need right now.

To be quite blunt, I was dangerously close to losing my wits prior to learning of the unparalleled promiscuity and debauchery spreading joy in America. Trudging through an endless stream of depression stories, I likely risked sacrificing my own good heart, clear conscience and generally affable nature before much longer. Something, needless to say, I wasn’t incredibly excited about enduring.

So fortunately my playful dreams will be disrupted by the economic horror stories no longer. Sunshine stories still do come along every now and again. They still do come along.

The Army to recruit flabby soldiers – The end is near

Considering the News…

The common American (to say nothing of the extraordinary American) has come to expect very little of his fellow countrymen, and doing so has enabled meager standards and expectations to fashion comfortable homes in every sector of society, something for which we are all ultimately worse off.

From regular consumer services to exotic dance clubs, as a nation we have wholeheartedly nurtured mediocrity, earnestly praised the half-ass-ed-ness warts of society. Now even the most modest of expectations are often greeted with some brand of failure, and yet as Americans we have grown perfectly accustomed to these regular shortcomings.

One must no longer even exert an ounce of energy to earn our deepest sympathies, if not our unbridled respect and admiration. Simply existing in a given place and time suffices these days.

Hey, you son of a bitch, at least you tried. Oh, what, you didn’t even try? Oh well, at least you showed up. Oh what, you didn’t even show up? Well, frankly, I say screw it then. I’m sure you’ll get ‘em next time.

But they likely won’t get ‘em next time. Or even the next time after that. We know this fact quite well and choose to forgive it rather than redeem it. Yes, it is likely beyond redemption at this point.

Seemingly only televisions, handguns, and breast augmentations consistently achieve new heights of quality; meanwhile just about every other industry fails miserably in its own respective way, which, I suppose, is somewhat of a victory in itself.

Nonetheless, few seem the least bit concerned by this troubling phenomenon, while others refuse to even acknowledge its destructive implications.

The endemic has gotten so severe that even the military appears prepared to accept inferiority. Struggling to maintain adequate troop levels, whatever those may be, The Army has elected to expand physical entry requirements – meaning the chubby dreamers turned away in previous years are now entitled to a handsome signing bonus should they choose to be all they can be.

The next great American war – assuming one looms – will be won not with our country’s best, but behind a hodgepodge of flabby, acne-riddled runts incapable of lettering in any high school sport other than perhaps ping pong.

Perhaps future American victories cannot safely be assumed. The brazen search for war is unwise with a well-trained and fine-tuned army, but it should be avoided like Malaysian syphilis by those feeble nations boasting a flimsy force comprised of the fatigued and the breathless. No, the fatigued and the breathless have won few wars through the course of history.

Should The Army begin lowering its standards today, I shiver in pondering how far it will stoop by the year 2020 or 2030. Surely no “fit” teenagers will still grace the country’s population by then, but the thirst for war will still necessitate the need to recruit someone. Anyone.

Tim Tebow, future President of the United States?

Considering the News…

I’m now convinced Florida Gators football superstar, American legend, and Christian goodfella, Tim Tebow, will be President a day not too far from today. No doubts. No reservations about that one.

The guy exudes confidence. Spouts leadership. Is to charisma what Amy Winehouse is to crackheads – the definition.

Now some will say, hey, what about him being born in the Philippines? No way he can be President. Just not constitutional. Can’t happen.

Well, such minutiae, no matter how damning, is never impugn to the smearing and twisting of a genuine spin doctor – at least not one worth his or her weight in venom and wax. Was Barack Obama born within domestic borders? Kenya? Malaysia? Hawaii? Ah, who cares, the guy weaves rhetorical gold at the podium. The same will hold true for Florida’s chosen son, the natural hybrid of Abe Lincoln and Johnny Unitas.

Then some will say, hey, the guy’s like 21 years old. That’s way too young to be President.

Yes, such restrictions can hinder progress at times. But what about the Chinese Olympic Gymnastics team? Talent can make 12 the new 16 with few hardships when the right people rework the script. Thus I’m confident Tebow can smile and fist-pump his way to 40 in no time. Little effort required, to say the least.

Then some might say, hey, can he even win any southern state other than Florida after pummeling their football teams every year for seemingly an entire decade?

Football is next to religion down south, and Tebow’s dominance makes him somewhat of a demagogue in the region. Touchdowns are the new doctrine, you see. He’ll sweep every state by at least 95-5, with the other 5 percent going to Mike Huckabee and Jeb Bush.

So there you have it, Tim Tebow is destined to become President. No force, formidable as it may be, is going to impede his mystical ascension to the pinnacle of national prominence. Not even  a few minor rules and technicalities can stop him. Maybe not even Jesus.

Ok, probably Jesus. But nothing else.

Either way, I can’t imagine voting for him. Can’t stand the Gators.

Applying for a dream job – FBI here I come

FBI:

It recently came to my attention the Federal Bureau of Investigation is aggressively seeking talented new agents, and I must say this joyous news couldn’t have come at a better time. Believe it or not, I have myself been aggressively seeking the right agency for my services, yet the economic uncertainty of today has made the task rather cumbersome and tiring (The search has forced several naps into my daily schedule).

As the FBI is the finest institution in the land, comprised of the most capable agents the earth has ever known (much more so than those bastards at the CIA – wink, wink!), I can fathom no better place to invest my prodigious abilities.  Our union truly will prove divine, as my qualifications easily exceed even your most stringent requisites.

Now I see in the job posting that fluency in a foreign language is desired, which incidentally benefits me a great deal since I recently mastered the lyrics to Feliz Navidad this past holiday season – no small task, I can assure you that. I am also quite familiar with the French language, having twice taken an introductory course on the subject in college. Should any covert operations require an agent to order a baguette or express an affinity for soccer (football over there), then look no further than my sterling record.

The posting also indicated a need for advanced computer skills. Well, not only am I a wizard with Microsoft Word, but I can balance a checkbook and research porn super secret stuff per the CPU as well. Without sounding arrogant, I feel it necessary to note my No. 87 ranking in World of Warcraft, where I honed my combat skills with a variety of weapons and gadgets. Needless to say, the enemy shall fear my wrath.

And lastly, the posting was vehement in stating that only candidates with previous intelligence experience will be considered for the plethora of openings. Ho, ho, ho! Not only am I somewhat of an expert in everything James Bond, but I have also studied thoroughly the artistry of Axel Foley and Maxwell Smart – two of the nation’s finest intelligence agents.

Additional achievements and qualifications can be found in the attached resume. Should you feel like I feel (that was a bit Peter Frampton-esque, eh?) that I would fit seamlessly into your agency’s hierarchy, please contact me via the provided phone number or email address. Oh, and I also respond to the Bat signal.

Look forward to hearing from you,

God Speed!

Six-Day Weeks and Failed 2009 Resolutions

Considering the state of things…

Unlike tens of millions of my fellow Americans who chose yet again to celebrate this new year by embarking on ridiculous quests for self-improvement -  like losing weight or quitting smoking or quitting drinking or limiting sexual conquests or quitting sex altogether or renouncing organized religion or endorsing the metric system or accomplishing any of a number of other preposterous goals – I elected to merely scrub clean the stubborn mind state that has devastated and stunted my growth and maturity since a very early age.

With but one benevolent twist of perception I truly felt great strides could be taken – no longer could I justify any reasons for delaying this necessary transformation. Change seemed certainly imminent, as I deemed the new year as a convenient time to finally confront my distaste for my least favorite day of the week.

You see, it has been documented rather exhaustively that my main, and perhaps lone, archrival in this cruel world is that annoying first day of the week, known by most in the English-speaking world as Monday. Given there are some Mondays I have grown infinitely fond of, such as Labor Day and Memorial Day and my birthday every 8 or 9 years, yet I would be errant in claiming to enjoy the day as a whole any more than I do a pint of bubbling sewer water.

I cannot rightly claim, however, that Monday has it out solely for me. I understand its indiscriminate nature. Monday never saves any of my counterparts in the workforce from the mental anguish of rising and realizing the weekend has become but a juicy memory, ripe with tales of drink, sport and perhaps some unexpected, albeit welcomed, debauchery.

Monday is eagerly awaited by few, and of those few I suspect three quarters suffer from some chilling mental disabilities we should all be so lucky to avoid. The difference, I am now certain, is that while I may not be alone in despising the day, I have been negligent in learning to accept its unholiness with a grain of salt like some of my stronger co-inhabitants of this planet.

Mondays, I feel, are for the assertive, the spirited, the eager-handed willing to wrestle the bull to the ground by its own menacing horns; Mondays are for the alert, the rested, the restless species of man that uses weekends not for celebration, but for preparation for the ensuing week.

Further self-analysis has alerted me to the demoralizing fact I likely belong to none of these esteemed crowds.

So there it is, not but five days into the new year and already have I abandoned my resolution, my futile quest to appreciate Monday – embrace every Monday – for the fresh, new opportunities found there within.

Indeed, Monday would be wise to avoid me at all costs, for I wish nothing except grave harm for its merciless being and all those willingly associated with it.

I say good day, day! Chalk up one more failed attempt at change.

Blagojevich to Obama: Go to Hell

Considering the News…

Fearing he might not be governor for much longer, overlooking the shimmering fact his powers have all but been diminished, if not already seized, Rod Blagojevich unbuckled the belt holding up his trousers and gave the President-elect an unmissable shot of his steaming bum.

Despite the strategic tantrums of senate majority leader and the chamber’s most masculine of senators, Harry Reid, Blago saw no good reason why he shouldn’t do his duty as governor and appoint Obama’s senate replacement.

FBI investigations can be quite drawn out and cumbersome, something a man of Blago’s stature can’t have much patience for, so the esteemed governor heroically refused to delay the appointment in these times of frustration and economic turmoil.

Thus Roland Burris, unknown to most before today’s bizarre press conference, became the latest star in this he-said-I-said-the-tape-said saga, and in doing so found his name as the hottest search on Google – a triumphant feat most will never know.

Rightly suspecting team Obama might not immediately embrace his nomination, Blago arranged for Congressman Bobby Rush to join him onstage in order to remind people that Obama’s senatorial departure had left the chamber without any black men at all.

As Mr. Burris is indeed a black gentleman, we must then commend Governor Blagojevich for setting aside all criminal investigations and impeachment threats and the like to serve his nation in the best way he sees fit. Evidently that means telling the President-elect to fuck off, lugging a good man’s name through the mud, and resuming business as usual.

Barack the Magic Negro and the New GOP

Considering the News…

With the historic 2008 elections now clogging the nation’s collective memory, both major parties are striving to quickly bolster their political image with a barrage of confounding spectacles, confusing any and every American willing to pay attention along the way.

Within a bloody fortnight of winning the election Obama was steeped in shit and corruption – no advisable position for a President-elect. Why, Obama had barely commenced searching for his passport and packing his Hawaiian shirts when word spread that his abandoned senate seat was being auctioned on eBay, and apparently going for no small sum.

While Obama evidently had no hand in the seedy negotiations, his name was certainly thrust into the center of the national dialogue, an unfortunate first presidential production for a man riding the righteous tide of  Washington’s next great exorcist.

After bathing in the story like a call girl in a pile of bills, people (notably the American media) began questioning whether Blago had even committed a crime. Sure the FBI tapes seemed incriminating enough, however, what would be the condition of our prisons if we arrested every body guilty of proclaiming the desire to commit a crime? It’s not but 10 a.m. and already I have heard six different people say today they wouldn’t mind beheading our current President, and yet another who wished the same for Regis Philbin.

Not a grand opening act for America P.O. (or Post Obama). For unearthing corruption is one thing, but summoning the moral police is quite another. I’m not sure where my readers stand on the issue, yet I for one would rather miss the ability to wish death upon my least favorite public figures, or the opportunity to say I’m two drinks away from holding up a bank to appease my creditors. Actions are actions and speech is speech, and I don’t care to start monitoring my words too closely.

Now the GOP, beaten in November like an unwanted fourth daughter that should have been a first son, hasn’t chosen to seize the moral reins in these trying times – no reinvented image has been introduced hitherto. Instead the GOP seems more than content to perpetuate the unsavory perceptions already debilitating its national viability.

Hoping to become the new Republican National Committee chair, Chip Saltsman thought it rather wise to distribute a CD featuring the infamous “Barack the Magic Negro” song composed by renowned satirist, Paul Shanklin. While this is another form of speech I am fond of, the timing strikes me as a bit off.

One might think Saltsman would at least have waited until after he was awarded the position before disseminating quasi-racist soundtracks. That’s just common sense.

So it doesn’t appear either party is overly concerned with positive party identities as of yet. However, I certainly have high hopes for 2009. A new politics awaits us.

Cease Fires and Virginity Pledges…Two Pinnacle Ploys of Mankind

Considering the News…

After enjoying my morning coffee with a few riotous news stories exploring the missile hurling competitions in the Middle East, attention was drawn to a recent study examining the true prudence of teens willingly agreeing to the infamous virginity pledge.

Now, initially I saw no connection between the two, as there doesn’t seem an obvious link between the frisky nature of raucous teenagers and the fearless demeanor of the bomb-happy Palestinians and Israelis currently reconfiguring the border along the West Bank.

Yet the more I read, the more I pondered, and the more I compared, it occurred to me that man indeed is a frivolous being, perpetually haunted by an innate instinct to seek and destroy, not long deterred by pesky cease-fire agreements and virginity pledges.

Yessir, restrictive pledges inhibit man for only so long, this evidenced by the hundreds of bombs that have rained from Middle East skies since the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas ended but only 10 days ago; and also reinforced by the alarming conclusions of a recent federal study that found the majority of teenagers pledging to abstain from sex have little intention of earnestly adhering to any of the guidelines.

In fact, these conspicuous teens seem to be taking that pledge out behind the woodshed and defiling it in much haste.

Thus we see the basic instincts of man will forever prevail over arbitrary agreements and pledges, for ploys of peace and purity seem quite nice and pleasing and G-rated and what have you, but nothing sates the soul quite like bombs and orgasms – a fact of the highest caliber.

Certain truths never falter, therefore, what sense is there in pretending east and west might soon exchange sides of the moon? Jews and Palestinians don’t appear overly anxious to exchange niceties, whores never make fine housewives, and the Yankees buy a losing, albeit expensive, team nine years out of ten.

So we should aim not to suppress these indulgences, but embrace them, never relenting in our epic quest to quench the desire to make it rain. That’s all we have. Hallelujah.

Barrels of Oil – The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Considering the News…

For the first time since 2004, you can get your hands on a barrel of oil for under 40 bucks a pop, and all economic signs point to it becoming the most fashionable and trendy gift this holiday season.

Considered the “ripoff of the summer” when Americans couldn’t hump there way into a barrel for under 140, now oil is flying off the shelves at bewildering rates, prompting some experts to call it the hottest Christmas item since the original Tickle Me Elmo.

Thus I anticipate considerable joy next week, as I celebrate the Yuletides and whatnot by showering my loved ones, all my loved ones, with a their own barrel  of bubbling oil.

Indeed, each wayward drop of black gold that flutters to the white carpet below will be but one more symbol of my love and appreciation for those close to me. This is going to be a damn fine holiday season.

2008 – The Year of Experience and Merit in Politics

Considering the News…

2008 will be remembered for a plethora of historic achievements – A Philadelphia team not choking in the championship, Oprah becoming the first talk show host to eclipse 200 pounds more than 12 times in a career, Detroit auto companies selling more cars than ever – but perhaps this year’s most distinguished contributions to history have come per the political spectrum.

Yessir, 2008 is going down as the year experience and merit propelled savvy politicians to the mountain’s top.

There was Barack Obama dismissing the notion community organizers aren’t people, too, as he raised ungodly sums of money to spearhead his successful presidential campaign, ultimately shocking the world by becoming the country’s first black commander-in-chief.

There was Sarah Palin proving intelligence and familiarity with the U.S. Constitution is by no means a requisite for political dominance, having quickly claimed the throne of the Conservative Kingdom of Yahoos, ridding the world of barriers that hindered the likes of Forrest Gump, Britney Spears, and the French.

And now there is Caroline Kennedy laboring to extend her family’s rule in the Senate, scoffing at any indignant asshole who might contend there is more to public office than a surname and a shit-ton of money, laughing at those poor souls who are quick to remind us she has accomplished nothing of substance outside of writing a book or two and being born a Kennedy, mocking us simpletons who ever believed Democracy was devised to elect the best and the brightest – and not merely those with a familiar name and, yes, a shit ton of money.

What a year 2008 has been. Surely it will go down in infamy as the year pragmatisim had a heart attack on the john.

Bush given jubilant Middle East farewell…Many endearing gifts thrown

Considering the News…

The warm welcome President Bush received during visits to Middle Eastern warzones amplified the cuddly affection Iraqi citizens foster for the man besk known for delivering their freedom from tyranny.

“This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” One thrilled Iraqi reporter shouted in Arabic, as he playfully tossed his shoes at the President.

Tossing shoes is evidently a friendly gesture expressing the thrower’s appreciation and gratitude for the recipient, while dogs are historically viewed as a step below only the Gods, making the reporter’s choice of words all the more impressive.

The sentiments behind this ceremonious hurling of the shoes was mirrored in the streets, as thankful Iraqis chanted, “Bush, Bush, listen well: Two shoes on your head!”

As a man of common sense might rightly conclude, two shoes to the head is much better than merely one; therefore, we in America need not be MIT mathematicians to deduce just how much the Iraqis thank President Bush for his strident persistence and clear vision of bringing freedom and democracy to the traditionally confused areas of the Middle East.

Needless to say, President-elect Barack Obama has one tough act to follow, especially with all the nonsense he’s been uttering about ending Mission Iraqi Freedom. I suspect if that’s truly Obama’s intentions once sworn into office, we should not then expect the citizens of Iraq to be hurling any shoes his way anytime soon.

Indeed, Obama likely won’t see even one shoe tossed his way, let alone two.

Tanning in the Sweet Alaskan Sun

As if she needed another blemish on her soft, milky, I’m just like you, complexion, Sarah Palin now faces the egregious charges that one of her first acts as Alaska’s Governor was to install a deluxe ass-frying tanning bed in the governor’s mansion.

This one might be tough to shake. Could stick around for good. Like Herpes.

Affairs, power-tripping, censorship of children’s books, helicopter hunting, eating too many pork ribs, slicking lip stick on tax hikes, and getting a little too liberal with the company (enter State of Alaska) gas card, all could prove trivial in the grand scheme of this election.

Why? All women do these things. Perhaps not every woman is guilty of every one of these offenses, but all women – and most men – have faltered in some idiotic combination of these misdeeds.

But a freaking tanning bed?

No, no, no. That’s Willy Wonka shit we’re talking about now. How many women relate to owning their own thigh griller? How many women have ever uttered the sentence, “Honey, don’t touch the computer, I have to study up on these Charlie Gibson interview questions. I’ll be back in 15 minutes – I’m gonna go catch some rays in the basement. If you’re lucky we might shoot for kid number six when I get back.”

No, not many American women know what that’s all about. Which is why this blasted tanning bed might prove to be the time machine that warped Sarah Palin – and much of the country – back to reality.

Obama: Inventor of Porn and Nintendo Wii

Corrupting the News…John McCain’s recent revelation that he invented the Blackberry prompted a swift rebuttal from the Obama campaign, fearing the magnanimous claim might sway technologically savvy voters toward the republican nominee.

Obama spokeswoman Veronica Pooch said while the Blackberry is a fine wireless tool, its screen is prone to freezing and often fails to send and receive emails.

“The Blackberry obviously has many shortfalls and isn’t teeming with sweet-ass applications like the iPhone,” said Pooch, who admitted to sleeping with her iPhone. “Show me a map on Blackberry and I’ll show you how to end up on the wrong side of town.”

The Obama camp’s dismissal of McCain’s single greatest achievement was also reinforced by fresh information that the junior senator from Illinois is also quite a prolific inventor himself.

“Not only did Barack play an integral role in the development of the incredibly popular Nintendo Wii, but he also spearheaded the filming of what is believed to be the first American-made porn,” Pooch said. “Who doesn’t love Wii and porn? Lord knows they’ve gotten me through many Saturday nights.”

Experts from the Washington think tank, Porn in Politics, believe this dubious claim is an unabashed attempt at solidifying support amongst college-aged voters, who are universally recognized porn addicts, and elderly folks living in retirement communities, which are universally recognized hot spots for Wii bowling…and also porn.

Obama staffers neglected to delve into specifics regarding his role in developing the Wii, but did touch briefly on his involvement in a porn called “The American Melting Pot.”

“Obama wasn’t directly engaged in any of the scenes, but he conducted a community-wide search for several of the film’s stars,” Pooch said. “Essentially, it’s how he got into community organizing.”

The McCain campaign fired back immediately.

“Senator McCain has been filming pornos for decades,” McCain spokesman Todd Beck said. “His catalog is both extensive and diverse. I would argue he knows Americans better than anyone in the country. And as for the Wii, there have been a multitude of reports highlighting the fact Senator McCain enjoys nothing more than a good Wii session after snack and nap time.”

Hackers Seize Palin’s Email and Obama’s Fantasy Football

Corrupting the News…A slew of privacy invasions has all of Washington on edge. Nobody appears to be safe.

First it was access to Sarah Palin’s email account the hackers seized.

Then it was Barack Obama’s fantasy football team they jostled.

Rumors are now swirling that John McCain’s Facebook profile was sabotaged.

It’s all just gone too damn far.

The inexcusable trespasses began when some foul rogue cracked Palin’s password for her Yahoo! email account and uploaded several screen shots on the gossip Web sites Gawker and WIRED. Her personal ID was GovernorBulldog69. It appears her password was also GovernorBulldog69.

Yahoo! government relations director, Thomas Dupri, said this could have been easily avoided.

“We typically suggest our users employ a little common sense when creating passwords,” Dupri said. “I mean, Sarah Palin could have at least made the password ‘GovernorBulldog6969′ so it wasn’t exactly the freaking same. God damn unbelievable is what it is.”

Unfortunately for the public, the hackers didn’t reveal any juicy information. No secret files. No plots. No schemes. No photos of Sarah Palin tied up to the bed with lavender satin scarfs on Valentines Day back in 1999. Nothing.

“It’s really a shame that nothing worthwhile was released,” said popular culture critic, Clyde Foster. “They didn’t even give us a bloody bone here. What, we get Bristol’s cell phone number? The broad has been knocked up for crying out loud.”

The perpetrators also succeeded in gaining access to Barack Obama’s fantasy football team. It’s been widely reported that Senator Obama inadvertently selected the “Remember Password” option when signing in to set his weekly roster while visiting a public library in Fargo, South Dakota.

“His whole roster was trashed,” said Obama fantasy football consultant, Bill Brackens. “Who trades Aaron Rodgers for fucking Vince Young? Vince Young! The guy’s out of his mind – probably won’t ever see the field again. And Rodgers? His stats are sick. This was a huge blow to Barack’s chances.”

Aside from trading Green Bay Packers starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for the Tennessee Titans mentally-questionable backup quarterback, Vince Young, the perpetrators also dropped the four running backs on Obama’s roster and signed pot-smoking jackals Dante Culpepper and Lawrence Phillips – both of whom are out of football and probably awaiting trial for some heinous crime.

John McCain’s Facebook profile also fell victim to hackers, however, the damage was minimal. Under the information section where users define their sexual preferences, McCain’s status was changed from “I am interested in my wife” to “I am interested in dudes.”

The McCain campaign has yet to comment.

Palin proves VP worth…she’s slimy as Cheney

Sarah Palin might be president soon. Looks more and more like she would fit right in.

If McCain defies all common logic and limps into the White House, and then proceeds to fall on the low side of the established over-under on his life – 36 months seems the general assumption – Madame Palin has a tanning bed in the White House within weeks, if not days.

That’s a sanity-ravaging scenario that has half the country asking whether it’s too late for Obama to throw Biden to the hogs and stamp Oprah on the ticket. Hell, even Michael Phelps would energize the recently gloomy democratic base…lord knows he wouldn’t even have to speak, not even at the vice-presidential debate, but just smile and readjust his eight golden babies.

That’s right, Michael, we just want you to smile and play with the gold…smile and play with the gold.

But all fantasies aside, Palin has the third best chance to become president in this race, and her shady sidestepping in Troopergate indicates her views of executive power limits rival the disturbing misconceptions of the current administration.

Nobody has a fucking clue what’s going on up there. The whole state of Alaska is having a collective brain fart, and it’s stinking up the entire continent. Even Putin smells it across the Pacific.

Because just who is handling the investigation, what procedures should be taken in the investigation, and what parties talk and walk is still an epic mystery. The FBI might be summoned in the coming weeks. Maybe Columbo is brought out of retirement. Something has to give. The plots devolving into a crappy episode of Survivor - everyone knows somebody should be doing something, but who addresses which jobs is anyone’s clue.

Up yours if you think I’m carrying them buckets!

The McCain-Palin camp is exhibiting the same callous disdain for the constitution as Bush and his goons, resolving that those with power make the rules. When rules challenge the power, well, damn it! power’s gotta fight back with a new set of rules.

Thus instead of complying with the original committee, Palin initiated a new investigation – with her appointed members – an investigation she figures to leave with the same gruesome blue balls as the first team.

How does she even claim authority on organizing the committee charged with the task of investigating her possible abuse of power? If Eliot Spitzer orders strippers to his own birthday party, do attendees not feel the least bit uneasy about soliciting a back-room lap dance?

No one’s taking any chances. It’s a free for all up there. A game of Clue, yet everyone already knows it was Palin…in the governor’s office…with the executive ax.

Six percent of the Alaskan population is now Washington lawyers, as McCain sent in his wrecking crew to reinforce the demolition squad Palin already had in place. 13 subpoenaed witnesses have fled the state like escaped convicts, one of which is Palin’s dimwitted Levi’s Jean model husband, Tim, who can’t appear for questioning because she has the jewels in a vice and needs him on the next plane to Sandusky.

Needs him out of town? So he can stand behind her and make sure the telepromtor doesn’t malfunction? So he can assure her that her ass doesn’t look big when she wears the red dress? So he can protect her from McCain’s wandering, decrepit hands?

No, because sidestepping an investigation until November is the only option.

The election’s but a few weeks off. Liberal shock and bewilderment looming in the stagnant air of early November. Bottles of champagne being ordered to conservative headquarters.

Current poll numbers mean little. The McCain-Palin camp are ruthless schemers, much like the indignant flag-wavers in office right now. October – the month of surprises. The GOP doesn’t take chances, it wins (a subjective verb) elections.

Yes, America, McCain and Palin will bring change to Washington, change to the White House, change you can believe in…if you believe change is simply replacing two crooks with two new ones – plus tits, lipstick, and a better shot in the woods.

Watching football with Barack – McCain packs his bags

John McCain is in some serious shit.

His chances at the White House are fading faster than Elizabeth Taylor’s sense of reality. Even Palin’s questioning the dire outlook, wishing she wouldn’t have muted Desperate Housewives to pick up the phone and accept the invitation onto the Sidestepping Express.

The Associated Press released a poll today that likely spells the end of yet another failed presidential run for Maverick Mac. Numbers seldom lie, not unless age, weight or infidelities are involved. And these numbers had to steal Mac’s breath like a piece of steak fat caught in the throat – More Americans would prefer catching a football game with Barack, a devastating statistic that analysts say is more representative of the electorate body than favorableness or confidence polls.

If someone can’t fathom spending an entire Saturday or Sunday afternoon with you watching pigskins fly, there’s not a chance in hell they will stomach voting you into office. Not when it means four, possibly eight, years of unexpected game interruptions so you can blather on about international crises, economic fallouts, and the like, while the Packers and Cowboys are duking it out in overtime.

No, not in this country. Not now. Not when football’s only competition for attention on the weekend is sex. Even that barely holds weight in a showdown with such a formidable opponent. The excitement and promise for rewards just isn’t there like it is on the gridiron.

Thus McCain better ignite the farewell tour. Shake hands with the folks who made ill-advised donations to the campaign. Apologize to the state of Alaska for dragging their beautiful state through the muck while their once-revered governor flashes her brutal scabs and bruises to the entire country…world.

Indeed, sitting next to Mac for an entire football game, let alone an entire day of games, would be nearly insufferable. The irrelevant comments. The contrived chuckles. The sporadic farts and burps. The continual flip-flopping through the game’s entirety, always rooting on the winning team. Eating all the god damn pretzels…not what this country needs right now.

Dirty Bill and W? The country would surely catch a game with either one of them. Put politics aside. Bring out the beers, let W chop the rails, and enjoy a clash of titans. Barack would fit right into the party. Him and W telling old stories like they were college roommates. Bill brings the ladies and James Carville taps the keg – enough said.

But McCain? No, the only thing worthwhile he would bring to the soiree is Sarah Palin. And she doesn’t even like football. She would suggest we turn on the Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Maple Leafs match. People would stare. Frightened stares.

And then collectively think – and we were this close to putting these people in the White House.

Palin draws record crowds…aims to whoo Bono

Corrupting the News…Sarah Palin appeared before record crowds in Florida over the weekend, as she continues boosting her celebrity status by trumpeting McCain’s agenda with a straight face.

A storm of hip-failing retirees – by some estimates 80-90 percent of Florida’s documented population – endured near triple digit temperatures to catch a glimpse of the conservative hockey mom who is storming the country with a bible, 2500-dollar suits, and a “Red lipstick’s not just for whores” attitude.

To the dismay of McCain staffers, there were no heat-related injuries, deaths, falls or stains reported.

“It’s a god damn miracle we didn’t have any casualties,” said McCain Florida co-chairman, Scott Stalwart. “Like we always say, if you’re older than the temperature, maybe you shouldn’t be outside. That’s especially true when it’s 95 freaking degrees out there.”

Nearly one million retired Floridians unfolded lawn chairs, threw open sun umbrellas, lathered on chicken grease and canceled tee times, to hear Palin deliver an impassioned speech…written by a McCain speech writer the day before while Palin took her kids to Disney World.

“We wanted Sarah to say something fresh, because the hockey routine just isn’t resonating in Florida” said McCain speech writer, Chuck Fallery. “Other than golf, shuffleboard, yachting and plastic surgery, these folks don’t care about much else except money. So we had Sarah talk about just that – how the radically liberal Barack Obama’s gonna steal their money.”

Until they can bolster Palin’s confidence, the McCain camp has elected to resist non-staged questioning. However, one withered old man circumvented the system and brought his own loud speaker.

“Explain your extravagant budgets and tax hikes in Wasilla! You’re no Republican!“

Palin responded coyly by saying, “I was against that budget after I realized the political fallout it wrought.”

The crowd was littered with a litany of pro-Palin signs.

Palin for President……When I grow up, I want to be Sarah Palin…….When I have my surgeries, I’ll be Sarah Palin……..I have a dream – a wet one…….Unborn babies for Palin…….Helicopters and Shotguns for Palin……..Drill, Baby, Drill…….If duct tape don’t work, slap some lipstick on it………………

This was the first opportunity for Floridians to observe the vice presidential candidate in person, and she didn’t disappoint.

“Normally, I need pills for this kind of excitement,” said Thomas Clayborn, an 87-year-old from Tampa. “This was like a freebie, a freebie that proves there’s still quite a bit of blood in these veins.”

James Conway echoed these sentiments, saying his 91-year-old wife typically frowns on him admiring stage shows featuring this much “va-va-voom.”

“Sarah Palin strutted on stage, and I knew within 38 seconds that she had my vote,” Conway said. “If it doesn’t happen within 38 seconds, then it won’t happen. My wife, Linda, looked over at me and smiled. Sarah Palin in the White House will be great for our marriage.”

When asked if Palin would make any Florida campaign stops outside of retirement communities – generally republican strong holds – the McCain camp said there was a strong possibility.

“We would be extremely naive to believe we can carry Florida without the Hispanic vote,” said Stalwart. “Hispanic men between the ages of 18 and 65 have responded strongly to Sarah Palin. They like her message too.”

In a side story, Sarah Palin will meet with former great musician, Bono, this week. It is unknown what the two could possibly have to discuss, but insiders say Palin is a tremendous fan of his music and purple sunglasses.

“That one song, ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ has been playing non-stop on Sarah’s iPod since the 13 main subpoenaed witnesses baled on her ethics hearing last week,” said Palin personal music assistant, DJ Bulldog. “Plus, purple glasses hide the wrinkles around the eyes. She’s examining all beauty tips in a bipartisan manner.”

Change we can believe in.

McCain camp supports freedom of press…kind of…

John McCain is a true American. A stalwart patriot. An admirable senator. A respectable man. A former POW. At times of convenience, he’s even a god-fearing Christian.

He is a lot of things. A lot of nouns and adjectives are readily employed to describe him, his track record, his wives, his many homes.

But it appears John McCain’s campaign is crapping on the United States Constitution – namely that blasted First Amendment that has spawned raging hemorrhoids in the anuses of tens of thousands of politicians and government officials throughout the years.

McCain campaign architect and on-again-off-again McCain employee, Steve Schmidt, is on the offensive. He’s pissed off. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body is pissed off. And he’s gunning for the foremost beacon of American journalism – The New York Times.

“Whatever The New York Times once was, it is today not by any standard a journalistic organization,” Schmidt said. “It is a pro-Obama advocacy organization that every day impugns the McCain campaign, attacks Sen. McCain, attacks Gov. [Sarah] Palin.”

Schmidt also lambaste the Times for neglecting to ever sniff Obama’s sheets and exploit his shortcomings. However, the Times responded by citing 42 articles in which the newspaper had done just that in the past year.

Schmidt’s and McCain’s distaste for the Times isn’t a fresh revelation – the Times has been fucking up republicans’ weekends for decades – this just marks the latest installment of them crying foul on the Times to drum up political sympathy…political coinage.

McCain v Times has become Ali v Frazier shit…seems to happen all the time. But now it’s highly necessary. The White House depends on it.

Schmidt isn’t amplifying his negative opinions of the Times in hopes of merely diminishing the publication’s advertising revenue – something I’m sure he would drink 18 fingers of whiskey to – but to perpetuate the trite GOP technique of blaming liberal media to deflect attention from a fledgling campaign (or administration, in regards to those currently residing in the White House).

Little less than a month ago, the McCain camp was struggling to maintain. Gasping for breath. Praying for momentum. Wondering if anyone had paid the god damn power bill.

Then came the duchess of Wasilla. Indeed, the needed energy came in the form of an angelic and busty ass-thrasher named Sarah Palin.

But even her playboy shine couldn’t last forever. The world already proved Jenny McCarthy couldn’t act. It was only a matter of time until Palin stopped getting call-backs as well.

Now the McCain camp is fumbling the cumbersome task of protecting her from the venomous fangs of relentless news institutions. America’s curious minds. A task that’s nearly impossible, lest she be shackled up in a dark Alaskan cave until after the election……..hmm…….

The McCain campaign is scheming to achieve just that – win the election not on merits and qualifications, but an idea of an American woman, that if distorted would render the implosion of this already volatile campaign. If media cannot create a definitive depiction of Palin, then only a superficial, albeit beneficial, myth is on the ticket come November.

Dodging American media, no matter what your make of their political agenda, benefits no one outside the McCain campaign – the entire American society suffers.

But McCain-Palin should be wary. Reporters will find a story. If you won’t answer the questions, they will find someone who will. So rather than point fingers and accuse the Times of journalistic malpractice, why not step up to the podium and face the thousands of inquiries that will benefit the American people – even if it devastates the campaign. I would rather lose an election, than to……..

If McCain-Palin win the election on account of one scripted speech at the GOP National Convention, it will prove to be the darkest moment in American politics and media.

Yes, McCain and his camp are a lot of things. But are cowardice and conniving two of them?

Clinton supporters go agnostic…Obama goes crazy

For the record, don’t fuck with Hillary Clinton supporters. They’re tough folks. More brutal than a 3-inch heel in the groin.

Even Barack Obama has realized as much.

It’s not that he doesn’t want/need their support – he’s just scared shitless of them. To the point it’s looking increasingly like he has a better chance of recruiting three-quarters of Joel Osteen’s followers than he does one-half of Hillary’s.

It’s ridiculous. Farcical. Doesn’t make any damn sense. But that’s politics.

People are stubborn. Set in their ways. They eat vanilla because they like vanilla. No need for chocolate. No need for strawberries. No need for change. No new positions just because the kids are off at your mother’s.

And thus Barack has made NO headway on Clintonites since she packed in the season and conceded. None. None? How’s that freaking possible?

58 percent of Hillary supporters said they would back Barack in June.

58 percent of Hillary supporters say they will back Barack today.

Yet McCain’s support amongst Hillarians has climbed to 28 percent from 21 in that same time frame.

What in god’s name gives here?

Are they really that pissed off? Are they still clinging to cries of “sexism” and “misogyny” like small-town hicks cling to guns and religion? Is it really a black-white thing? Has the whole political universe gone crazy!

Unfortunately, it appears so. Hillarians agree with Barack on Iraq, abortion, eliminating tax cuts to the ostentatious swine on Wall Street and the oil barons in Texas – they just don’t agree with Barack.

They don’t like him. Don’t trust him. Don’t think he’s experienced…They think he’s a fraud.

And they’re willing to risk the whole election on this childish grudge. Third graders do this shit, not suffering Americans in desperate need of an alternative direction. Never mind the country’s economy and global standing sinking faster than a turd in an empty bucket…that bastard stole the election from us, so we’re going to snatch it from him!

That’s what going on here. That’s the skinny in a fucking nutshell. You can take that charge to the bank and stamp it with red lipstick and fit it for a dress suit.

And I have no qualms with it. Screw it. I might even enjoy it in some sick and sadistic way.

When McCain’s getting his jaw re-adjusted because the thing snapped as he laughed his ass off into the White House, I’ll call every Hillary supporter I know and say: You see what the hell you’ve done. Do you see what the hell you’ve done? There stick your nose in it. Stick your nose in it!

Tails between legs for four more years. Hell, they might as well give ‘em eight. Lord knows Democrats don’t want the stinking White House back. Not when they’re too busy organizing “All Girls” and “All Boys” clubs in their tree houses.

Somewhere McCain is smiling. Somewhere Palin is getting fitted for a new line of vice-presidential dresses. Somewhere Hillary Clinton is stumping for Barack Obama, thinking that 2012 really isn’t that far away.

Palin meets with world leaders…now ready for presidency

It’s official – Sarah Palin is now ready for the world stage.

No more questions of experience. No more Wasilla bashing. No more forecasts of looming disaster should McCain’s heart forfeit the fight.

Palin has finally bolstered her foreign policy credentials (continental cred, for you slang talkers) by meeting with a slew of world leaders at the U.N. General Assembly in New York City today. Thus she is now armed and ready for any shit the world slings onto America’s windshield.

All the big names are there…Afghani President Hamid Karzai…Columbia’s Alvaro Uribe…former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger…U2 front man Bono…New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner (or was it Hank?).

Indeed, shaking hands with foreign leaders is the ideal international icebreaker for rookies, especially one as raw as Palin, whose passport was issued just two years ago – no time for traveling overseas…but what about that layover in Ireland?

For Palin, it will be a crash course in foreign diplomacy, or “maverick gunslinging” as Mac calls it. While the ticket leader meets with big shots from Georgia, Ukraine, and India, Palin will likely be seeking out Russian officials, any Russian officials, to tell them about the exquisite view she’s had of their country these past years. Maybe talk hunting, fishing, drilling, etc.

How valuable it all will be. Now she can look Charlie Gibson in the eye, without the peculiar twitch, and say, “Hell yeah, Charlie, I’ve met with world leaders. What’s it to you?”

Which is a good thing. For despite Palin’s misguided guess on national television, every vice presidential candidate of the past 30 years had previously met with at least one freaking foreign leader prior to running.

“I have not and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you,” Palin said. “But, Charlie, again, we’ve got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunities to meet heads of state.“

Now even this doesn’t sound nearly as ridiculous. The bulldog is bona fide. Ready to brawl.

And it couldn’t have come at a better time for the McCain-Palin camp. Her stock was plummeting and here’s the bailout…A chance for a few photo ops…An opportunity to appear presidential…A possibility of meeting Bill Clinton – weee doggies…And best of all, a chance for the entire world to get a taste of this Alaskan cream pie.

But although Mac and company are understandably excited about the advantageous implications, they should be equally leery of the potential for a backyard bloodbath of the worst kind.

Yes, this political ploy can backfire worse than stealing box seats at a Yankees game, where the whole crowd laughs and taunts your ass as the security guards whisk a fraud to the exit.

Barack Obama survived his staged world tour production relatively unscathed. He spoke before thunderous crowds thousands of adoring fans. Met with a few foreign leaders. Played hoops with the troops. Said all sorts of fancy and worldly things. But the lasting image will forever be of him standing before that maniacal Woodstock crowd in Berlin. That’s it. The fading memory is that the world loves that fucking Obama.

Palin won’t be nearly as privileged. She’s only meeting with people boasting international presence. One photo of her shaking hands with a president wearing a “Who is this sexy dame?” look and it’s over. It will be the Clinton-Lewinsky hug shot. Gary Hart and his whore on Monkey Business shot.

It will be game, set, match for the Obama camp.

McCain better hope Palin smiles, acts strong and composed, and doesn’t unintentionally turn anyone on…it could turn the whole country off quickly.

McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ‘99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…

Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.

As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.

“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”

Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.

“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”

Fair enough.

McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.

He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.

“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”

And thank god.

John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.

He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.

Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.

“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.

“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”

Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.

McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

McCain’s October Surprise…A Bristol Palin Wedding

Corrupting the News…

John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.

Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.

With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all coming together at the perfect time. Sarah Palin’s about as popular as Michael Richards, thus McCain and Co. are desperately trying to plunge all this shit down the clogged pipes of American media.

This is the headline-grabber they need right now. No talk of Troopergate or Moose hunting or appearing less competent than Katie Couric.

Bristol’s getting married and it’s gonna be the wildest gun-slinging shindig Alaska’s ever seen. The biggest public wedding since Charles and Diana…since the second season of The Bachelor…or the fourth season of The Bachelorette…or just about any season of The Flavor of Love…

Needing to shore up support amongst middle-aged women, they’re throwing out the irresistible Bon Bon, the one event all women froth over. Middle-aged women love weddings like they love Regis, like they love slot machines and lavender candles.

They don’t care who or where or when. Just want to see that passion, that kiss. Want to feel love in the air. They yearn to be in the presence of a connection greater than any they themselves have ever been part of.

And a Bristol Palin wedding promises to be the tear-jerker of the fall season. Grey’s Anatomy producers are pissed off right now. So too the entire Lifetime writing staff.

This will be unmatchable, and the McCain camp is elated.

Bristol turns 18 on October 18th, and they’re dragging that poor, horny fuck, Levi Johnston down the aisle with her the next week.

Doesn’t matter if Sarah has to force him at gunpoint. This wedding’s happening. No doubt about it.

Every magazine’s cover photo. Every news program’s lead story. Every entertainment smut program’s lead story. Every punchline of every joke on every talk show. The publicity will be priceless and endless.

The president and McCain trading jokes under their breath in the front row…Obama’s got hope and change and 50 million in the bank, but we got Bristol and the election – God bless America!!!

Rush Limbaugh chewing pills in the restroom. Ann Coulter banging one of the groomsmen in the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot. Cindi and Sarah drunk and singing “Loving You is Easy” on the karaoke machine.

What a goddamn party. What an election. What a depressingly ignorant country if this ends up saving a campaign.

Obama offends Cubs fans…So too McCain

Corrupting the News…

Illinois is anyone’s trophy come November.

Yet it appears no one wants it…Certainly not Barack Obama or John McCain, who are doing nearly everything in their collective power to alienate the entire state.

This comes as a major blow to the Democrats, as Illinois has been in Obama’s pocket since the beginning. And rightly so – he’s only a junior senator from the state, having occasionally voted in favor of bills that directly benefit the Land of Lincoln.

But a recent gaffe by Obama has ignited a serious shit storm in the state best known for the destitute, drug and prostitute-riddled town of DeKalb, and now Illinois’ electoral votes are up for grabs like dollars on the catwalk.

It all started on a seemingly benign campaign stop in Arlington Heights, where Obama told a group of reporters that Cubs fans “blame curses on everything – from the Cubbies’ misfortunes to the sinking economy and the quagmire in Iraq.”

Cubs fans responded brashly, burning Obama campaign signs and raiding several campaign offices. Millions of dollars in damages were reported, and one Obama staffer was even forced to have the phrase “Go, Cubs, Go” tattooed on her upper left breast.

“Obama can rot in hell,” said Brooke Todd, a diehard Cubs fan who doesn’t wash his drawers during Cubs winning streaks. “We’ll put Ron Santo in the goddamn White House before that two-faced White Sox fan. You can’t have it both ways, Barack!”

The Obama camp said the quote was taken drastically out of context, and what Obama meant to say is that Chicagoans, predominately those from the north side, hold onto Cubs baseball in times of crisis much in the same way south side Chicagoans hold onto their guns, drugs, bitches, and 22-inch rims.

“Senator Obama loves the Cubs,” said Obama spokesman Felix Pie. “He met his wife at a Cubs game, for crying out loud. I mean, both of his daughters were conceived after Cubs victories.”

Senator McCain also succeeded in pissing off the entire Cubs nation. At a campaign stop in Batavia, McCain told a crowd of 16 or 17 people that he is confident, “Michael Jordan will take Notre Dame back to the Super Bowl this year.”

When later asked about the quote, McCain said, “I’m terribly sorry if I offended any voters in Illinois. Obviously I meant to say Wayne Gretzky. Go, Broncos, Go!”

Sarah Palin made a similar misstep, but the recent disclosure of her extreme stupidity prompted most media institutions to abandon the story.

While entertaining questions about the likelihood of a Cubs World Series championship, Palin said, “I’ve shot quite a few of them in my days while, uh, hunting in the state I’m executive of. This coat’s made from cub fur, actually.”

McCain buys house on eBay…Denies allegations of drug use

Corrupting the News…

Keeping track of all those houses just got a little tougher for John McCain. He doesn’t have a clue what the count is up to these days.

But whether he figures the dwelling count to be at one or two or seven is immaterial, as rumors are now circulating that he recently acquired yet another one.

When Joanne Smith of Chicago won an eBay auction for an abandoned crack house in Saginaw, Michigan, early reports indicated she aimed to do the wise thing: fix it up and flip it on the booming Saginaw crack house market.

Having won the glorified shed for only $1.75, the story was initially trumpeted as a quasi-humorous testament to the slumping housing market, or as they say about foreclosures in Saginaw, “Folks abandoned they home.”

However, further investigation has shed light on potentially shady property dealings by John McCain, namely that Smith was bidding on his behalf.

Witness claims of fraudulent behavior by Mr. Mac are mounting fast, as nearly two dozen Saginawians say they personally witnessed McCain inspecting the property during a Michigan campaign stop in June.

“I seen that McCain looking at the house for over an hour – but maybe it was only a couple minutes – and maybe it was another house,” said Saginaw resident, Travis Henry. “I was pretty drunk that day.”

The McCain camp is refuting accusations of any wrongdoing, saying McCain owning any property in Saginaw would be impractical since he already owns homes in Sterling Heights and Kalamazoo.

“Do you have any clue how far up north Saginaw is?” Said McCain property manager, Tyler Donahue. “He’d freeze his bloody balls off living in Saginaw. Go get yourself a fucking map before you bring these kind of charges.”

Allegations began swirling after it was revealed earlier this week that McCain didn’t, in fact, own seven houses, but 47…now 48, if his ownership of the crack house in Saginaw is confirmed.

But some experts contend that media institutions are missing the point.

“It’s not a question of how many houses a man owns – shit, McCain could own every house in Sandusky, for all I care,” said Carl Crawford, lead statistician at the Washington think tank, People With Many Houses. “The true question is what the hell does McCain want with a decrepit, trick-infested crack house in Saginaw. Why, he could buy a meatball sandwich and increase his personal worth more than this.”

Democratic opposition research teams have been working for months to tie Senator McCain to several drug scandals across the county – ecstasy rings in Phoenix, amphetamine production in Marshalltown, his wife’s Vicodin and Percocet addiction, and now a crack hotel in Saginaw.

To Bill Watkins of MoveUp.org, McCain’s alleged interest in an abandoned crack house makes perfect sense.

“To believe Senator McCain is involved with drugs isn’t entirely unfounded,” said Watkins. “If you just listen to the guy stutter and mumble, or hear that uncomfortable and nervous laugh, or see the way he’s always showing too much of his gums when he smiles, or that glazed look in his eyes – all the signs lead to one thing. We have a hunch it might be crack.”

Old video surfaces…Barack faces fraud charges

Corrupting the News…

Barack Obama might not be who he claims to be.

The junior senator from Illinois faces heated charges of false representation, after copies of a 1980s television commercial began surfacing earlier this week.

The conservative political action committee, Jesus for Freedom, claims the man of hope is actually a convicted felon named Alfonso Ribeiro, a former break dancing prodigy who made millions on his how-to dance video Breakin and Poppin’.

The Obama camp quickly denied these claims, calling them “egregious” and that “the individual in the commercial, Alfonso Ribeiro, is clearly Carlton from The Prince of Bel Air. There is no substantive evidence that Senator Obama is not who he says he is, or that he can even break dance. He’s actually stiff as a Viagra-fueled Johnson on the dance floor.”

Mr. Ribeiro’s office declined questioning, but released a statement that said, “Mr. Ribeiro is still the baddest muthafucka to ever throw down on the break dancing scene. His skills are undeniable, and that red leather jacket continues to get him laid to this day.”

Palin inspires…world leaders to build nucular weapons

Corrupting the News…

Sarah Palin has some crazy clout. The whole world watched the VP debate, and most folks licked their lips.

Some saw a leader. Some saw a strong woman. Some saw a luscious rack of wolf-slashing lamb. And then there were those who saw an inspiration.

Several world leaders said after the debate that Palin had completely transformed their mindset. Thanks to the moose-scalping mommy from Russia, err, Alaska, nuclear weapons have one foot out the door. Indeed, nukes are out like clean jeans.

Sarah Palin officially reigned in the dawning of a new era – the Nucular Era.

“When President Bush used to talk about nucular weapons, we just thought he was making shit up,” said Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “We used to say on poker nights, ‘Ah, that Bush could sell 10 billion dollars of ammo to an army with no guns.’ Oh, but that’s why he always won the money.”

But having watched Palin talk at length about the imminent dangers of nucular weapons, Ahmadinejad and others are now considering new avenues of terror.

“Nucuwar weapons are soooo hot right now – gimme, gimme, gimme,” said North Korean playboy, Kim Jung Il. “When Pawin winked at the tewevision, I said ‘Ahh, gimme nucuwar weapons and there’s gowing to be wots of troubo!’”

Now threatening leaders of volatile regimes are rushing to get their hands on nucular weapons. An endless stream of international phone calls are coming into the McCain-Palin headquarters, as aides struggle to keep up with the mass demand.

“They’re all callin’ up and askin’ about nucular weapons, and I just tell ‘em ‘You’re darn right we got nucular weapons, we got ‘em by the dozens,’ I mean hundreds,” Palin said.

Obama Denounces Kimbo Slice Comparison…Fight Planned

Corrupting the News…

Amidst predictions that his presidency would prove as farcical as Kimbo Slice’s MMA career, Barack Obama is now considering a three-event showdown with the once-revered fighter in an attempt to bolster his fledgling Washington street cred.

The event comes as reaction to a recent McCain ad that juxtaposes Obama’s tenuous voting record with Slice’s unimpressive performance in the ring.

“Barack Obama’s voted present 129 times during his brief tenure in the U.S. Senate, while Kimbo Slice can’t even put the beat down on skinny white boys,” the ad narrates. “Clearly neither one is as courageous as he’s cracked up to be.”

Team Obama is now working feverishly to schedule the trio of competitions aimed at reinventing the candidate’s toughness image.

Aside from a three-round MMA match, the plan also includes a Slice-Obama economic policy debate and slam dunk contest.

“Clearly the biggest concern right now is the debate on the economy,” said Obama aide, Andrew Sullivan. “Anyone who has duped as many people as Kimbo Slice obviously knows a thing or two about how the American economy works. That said, we expect Barack to kick Kimbo’s ass in the ring, while his skills on the basketball court are well documented.”

Experts contend that Obama’s massive reach will prove unbeatable for the slow and stocky Slice, as the junior senator from Illinois is expected to use his quick hands to slay the slumping street fighter.

“Obama has a crazy wingspan – no way Slice even lays a hand on him,” said Carl Watkins, managing editor of Beat Down magazine. “Slice’s only chance would be to wrestle around with Obama. I mean just look at the guy. He’s a great senator, and I really hope he wins the election, but he’s just a skinny little fucker.”

Not to be outshined, the McCain campaign announced today that the republican nominee is planning multiple appearances on Dancing with the Stars.

“This is a win-win, because the senator will get a chance to sway some women voters while also competing on his favorite show,” said McCain consultant, Woodrow Chopski. “Our main fear is that he falls and breaks a hip or has a heart attack and dies. He’s a fierce competitor, but competitiveness never dismisses the fact you’re old as shit.”

Palin the Racist…Obama the Terrorist Lover

Corrupting the News…

Barack Obama has been keeping some bad company.

Sarah Palin intends to let the country know about it.

At a campaign stop in Florida today, Palin lambaste the democratic nominee, saying Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Franklin Raines and William Ayers are the least of his problems.

“I know for a fact, from what I’ve heard from people who know, that not only do O’bama and O’sama spend time together at Bin Laden’s cave, but O.J. Simpson threw a fundraiser for him in recent memory, of times not too long ago from today,” Palin said. “I don’t know about you, but that’s not the kind of guy I want to be president of America – a man who rolls with terrorists and Leslie Nielsen apologists.”

The Obama campaign responded swiftly, condemning the vice-presidential candidate’s comments as inherently racist.

“To claim any man who wears Burberry also spends time in caves is fucking ludicrous,” said Obama campaign adviser, Tyler Priori. “And I would really like to know what that snowmobiling bitch has against the Juice, because the dude did rush for 2,000 yards – and in only 14 games!”

The McCain-Palin camp refuted any claims of racism, saying in a released statement that, “Governor Palin knows and loves many people of color. She not only hired three black cooks at the governor’s mansion, but the snow removal crew was headed by an Eskimo.

And as for Senator McCain?

“President Bush clearly illustrated John McCain’s affinity for black people leading up to the South Carolina primary in 2000. The man can’t get enough of them.”

McCain the Nazi…Played integral role in Iran-Contra affair

Corrupting the News…

John McCain the Nazi sympathizer? Barack Obama thinks so.

The Obama camp reignited the conversation regarding McCain’s ties with an ultra-right-wing, pro-Nazi death squad involved in the Iran-Contra affair during the mid-1980s.

McCain and Bush Hail Hitler?

The move comes in response to Sarah Palin unleashing some savage witchery in Florida on Monday, condemning Obama for “palling around with terrorists” and “speaking too el-o-gently for a man of color.”

“You just don’t go there in American politics,” said Stevie Johns, an Obama spokesman. “If you can’t talk about your slutty daughter getting knocked up in high school, then how the hell are you gonna talk about Obama being a fucking terrorist? When she said that shit, we knew it was time to smack a bitch. That bitch, of course, being McCain. Not Palin, who…well, you get the point.”

McCain played the ignorance card when responding, saying that he “didn’t know whether the (U.S. Council For World Freedom’s) actions were legal or illegal,” but that he just “thought the Swastika tattoos were pretty neat.”

“I guess you could say I was a bit out of touch – he he he he he he,” McCain said amidst an insufferable spurt of awkward laughs. “Guess the liberals won’t be able to blame it on my age anymore.”

The U.S. Council For World Freedom funded covert arms shipments to the Contra Rebels, a mission funded with underground arms sales to Iran. However, McCain denies having knowledge of any wrongdoing.

“I didn’t know what was going on really, I just liked that my name was on their letterhead,” McCain said of his involvement with USCFWF. “I didn’t have many friends when I first came to Washington, and here was a group putting a hand out to a young congressman from Arizona. I wasn’t really a Nazi, but Hitler had always been a big inspiration for me. I’ve always kind of tried to emulate his demeanor. So I joined.”

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

The Obama staff also released a statement concerning the democratic nominee’s links to the Weather Underground, a domestic terrorist ring that accomplished little in the 1960s.

“After further review, we still find that Senator Obama was only eight years old when the Weather Underground was wreaking havoc in Washington, making any direct connections a stretch at best. Obama is a man of diplomacy, not bombs.”

Palin Discloses State Spending Checkbook

Corrupting the News…

Sarah Palin is earnest about absolute government transparency and accountability, so much so the Alaska governor’s office is now releasing comprehensive spending records from her time in office.

Answering the calls of media critics accusing her of cloaking controversial documents as governor, Palin aims to reassure voters that she will bring pure change to a “greedy and corrupt” Washington.

“America wants honest leaders, so I want to show them I got nothin’ to hide,” Palin said. “If Barack Obama is serious about being president, I would hope he does the same.”

Palin declined to comment on the fact Senator Obama has never held an executive office, and thus has never assumed responsibility of a comparable checkbook. She also appeared quite dumbfounded when reporters informed her of the federal government already having full disclosure at USASpending.gov, where Obama’s spending records are easily accessible.

Palin charged Alaskan taxpayers $875 in October of 2007 for a professional fisherman to land her a prize catch.

“Well, it’s about darn time,” Palin said. “I’ll have to have someone on my staff read those and see what he’s been up to.”

Some notable expenditures of Governor Sarah Palin’s:

• $1,200 to Winchester Ammunition: One-time payment for year’s supply of shotgun shells and limited edition Teddy Roosevelt cartridges.
• $2,700 to COVERGIRL: One-time payment for basics cosmetics, including 27 tubes of lip gloss.
• $2.95 to Amazon.com: One-time payment for copy of The U.S. Constitution:And Fascinating Facts About It. (Accounting Note: This purchase was later returned. A full refund was granted.)
• $2,800 to Pitbull Breeding Co.: One-time payment for 10 female and 2 male bulldogs.
• $4,800 to Michael Vick Dogfighting, Inc.: One-time payment for complete dogfighting kit, including cages, training videos, and whips.
• $79 to Bikini Unlimited: One-time payment for American flag bikini.
• $6,600 to Tanning Bed Paradise: One-time payment for personal tanning bed, plus installation.
• $397 to Hank’s Knives: One-time payment for complete moose-scalping knife collection.
• $900 to Mounting Industries: One-time payment for moose-head mounting kit.

Michelle Obama snubs Cindy McCain…Cat fight awaits

Corrupting the News…

Things nearly got ugly after the presidential debate Tuesday night, as Michelle Obama eyed Cindy McCain like a wildebeest keen on slashing a jugular.

As the candidates roamed the crowd greeting the audience and repeating the phrase “hope I can count on you in November” 200 times, Michelle thrust a vicious glare at an obviously frightened Cindy, who bowed her head in silent church-going fashion.

When asked about the incident later Cindy said she definitely feared for her life.

Michelle Obama prepares to scrap with anyone...anyone. Even dudes.

“I didn’t realize how big and tall she is,” Cindy McCain said. “All it took was one glimpse to know Michelle’s a bad mutha. Bet she’s on steroids like that Barry Bonds.”

Michelle was noticeably incensed backstage, where it took three Obama staffers to refrain her from attacking Cindy.

“Look at these guns – look at ‘em,” said Michelle, pointing to her enormous biceps. “That scrawny little bitch doesn’t wanna step to this! Nuh uh. Nuh uh uh!”

Thomas Spectre, who writes a column for Cat Fight Weekly, said the fight would be more competitive than some might assume.

“I look at Michelle and obviously am like ‘Wow, that broad is stacked!’” Spectre said. “But I think Cindy is underrated because she is quick and scrappy. Plus I’m pretty sure she hates black people, so that would only further fuel her rage.”

When asked how she would fare against either of the candidate’s wives, Sarah Palin said she could take both of them out with little hardship.

“Are you kidding me, I have guns for crying out loud,” Palin said. “I would drop both of them with two pulls of the trigger.”

McCain snubs Obama on post debate handshake…blames the weather

Corrupting the News…

For the record, John McCain’s refusal to shake Barack Obama’s hand was not a slight – it was a thoughtful gesture.

The Arizona senator said a coughing fit resulted in a massive wad of spit landing in his right palm, which he didn’t believe Obama would have appreciated.

“It’s not the 19th century anymore, people don’t spit and shake,” McCain said. “I could have shaken his hand, sure, and I would have left a disgusting green loogie in it. That’s not the way I plan to get elected. I’m running a clean campaign here.”

The Obama camp has accepted McCain’s apology, saying the germaphobic senator from Illinois likely would have passed out if such a gruesome exchange had been made.

“Senator Obama typically avoids handshakes whenever possible, so he’s glad McCain kept his bodily fluids to himself – Barack really dodged a bullet there,” said Obama spokesman, Charles Splat. “I mean, would you want McCain hacking up phlegm in your hand?”

While the two candidates failed to shake hands, Obama did share a brief embrace with Cindy McCain, who Obama said made an unusual request.

“Vicodin – that’s what she was after,” Obama said. “I told her I was fresh out, but that I support providing more painkillers to 95 percent of Americans. I have a plan for that actually, but it’s going to take a firm investment from the country.”

McCain makes debate promise: No more goodies!

Corrupting the News…

Americans gained some valuable insight into what the top priorities of a John McCain administration would be.

The outlook doesn’t look good for trick-or-treaters and the millions of Americans suffering from obesity.

When asked by mediator Tom Brokaw to list in order his top priorities should he become president, McCain said he would first attack health care, energy, and entitlement reform simultaneously, an improbable feat that had many shaking their heads in dismay.

But then the republican nominee went a step crazier, saying he would banish all “goodies” from the country.

This declaration triggered maniacal trepidation amongst youngsters and sweet-lovers nationwide, as they mistakenly interpreted the statement to mean McCain would ban candies and desserts.

“His choice of words really got him in some hot water – his balls have to be boiling right now” said political analyst, Tucker Williams. “You can say you’ll rid Washington of greed and corruption, and America will love you. Hell, you can even tell them you’ll cut education spending and still get elected. But when you fuck with someone’s cake and pie – that’s just not a vote you can count on anymore.”

The Obama camp pounced on the gaffe, releasing a statement that the democratic nominee plans to bolster domestic funding for research on Ho-Hos, Bon-Bons, and Zebra Cakes.

“Everybody knows Senator Obama loves chocolate-chip cookies,” said Obama spokesman, Daryl Hines. “He’s really a big fan of brownies, too, but not as much as he was in high school and college.”

The McCain campaign also released a statement in an attempt to ebb any further damage, however, the ripples sent by threatening to wrestle the truffle from America’s hands might prove unstoppable.

“Senator McCain has been known to eat an occasional animal cracker, and his wife pounds Oreos by the dozens,” the statement said. “But lets look at the facts – Senator Obama has voted against sweets and delicacies 94 times. America cannot afford a president as dangerous as Barack Obama in these dark and delicious times.”

Hugh Hefner endorses McCain…Then Reneges

Corrupting the News…

Hugh Hefner is a big John McCain fan. At least he was.

Having endorsed McCain several weeks back, saying the two shared the same taste in women, now Hefner wants his endorsement and his girlfriend back.

Rumors are circulating betwixt Hollywood insiders that former Hef lover and star of E!’s The Girls Next Door, Holly Madison, has abandoned the publishing icon for a presidential candidate ten years his younger.

Hugh realizes he left the Viagra on his bureau

“Obviously age played a big part in her decision,” said Laura Heart, managing editor of Hollywood Smut. “Holly finally realized Hef was just too old to realistically have a future with him. John McCain’s youth and energy has revivified her. It’s a complete transformation.”

The Hefner-Madison fallout initially seemed a natural occurence, as the blonde vixen’s star power has climbed steadily since the show’s debut in 2001. However, her decison to move from the Playboy Mansion to the White House startled even her closest friends.

“I really thought Holly would take some personal time before jumping into another relationship, but her spontaneity has always been one of her best qualities – that and her breasts anyway,” said Rachel Ford, one of Madison’s closest confidantes.

The McCain campaign hopes Holly and McCain’s relationship – which they insist is somewhat platonic – can provide the same momentum boost seen when Sarah Palin was added to the ticket.

“The more sexy women McCain has at his side, the better off he is with independent male voters between the ages of 18 and 108,” said McCain spokesman, Todd Clary. “Experience and fancy rhetoric garner a lot of votes, but nothing sways the American male electorate like 36-Cs.”

Hefner has yet to make any public comments on the situation, though sources in the Playboy Mansion said he isn’t taking this lightly.

“There’s two things Hef hates losing – money and women,” the source said. “He’s obviously distraught right now, but he still has his millions of dollars and dozens of women, so I think he’ll get by. He actually has a pair of Playboy twins moving in soon. And when I say twins, I mean twins.”

When asked by reporters how she felt about the campaign addition, Cindy McCain said she wasn’t worried the least bit.

“If John thinks her tits won’t sag in twenty years, then he’s got another thing coming,” she said. “Besides, I’m the one with all the money in this marriage. If John wants to go broke for a busty chest, then I hope the two of them don’t mind living on welfare. It would probably change his entire platform.”

McCain fails Gmail Goggles test…Important email never sent

Corrupting the News…

It’s three a.m. and your children are sleeping. There’s a phone in the White House, and it’s ringing. There’s something going on in the world, and your vote will determine who answers that call.

Who do you trust – Barack Obama or John McCain?

While he might trumpet his leadership, country pride, and military valor, a recent failure indicates John McCain may not be the man America needs driving the truck home at 3 in the morning

When attempting to send Sarah Palin an urgent email warning her to steer clear of racial undertones in attacks on Barack Obama, McCain failed the Gmail Goggles test and the email was never sent.

McCain was introduced the computer last month

The result was the vice presidential candidate sounding like a shameless racist while accusing Senator Obama of “palling around with terrorists” during campaign stops in Florida. “He doesn’t think like us,” she was recorded as saying.

And now her people are pissed off at McCain.

“Because of John McCain, Sarah Palin looks like a freakin’ bigot,” said Palin aide, Sam Brown. “This last week is going to sink her entire political career. She’ll co-host a show with Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray before she ever sets foot in the White House.”

The new Google tool – Gmail Goggles – is a corrective lens designed to prevent drunken would-be email senders from embarrassing themselves with “I miss you” and “I want you back – I fucking LOVE YOU!!!” letters to ex-lovers.

While effective, the program sometimes has unintended consequences.

When asked to fill in the blank in the line “We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created_____;” McCain evidently answered “lesser than me, my friends.”

Concluding the sender must be extremely inebriated, McCain’s message was stored in Drafts until the morning. Unfortunately for his campaign, it was already too late.

“This is a goddamn travesty because that senile loon shouldn’t of even had internet access, let alone the responsibility of sending confidential emails at two in the morning,” said Republican strategist, Francine Doyle. “What was he even doing up that late? Lord knows this proves if he got a call in the White House at three a.m. he’d probably cough, fart and roll over.”

McCain condemns Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos

Corrupting the News…

John McCain doesn’t care much for breasts. At least not on the cover of magazines.

The Arizona senator told a pro-life crowd in Ohio that the latest issue of W magazine - featuring Jolie’s provocative ta’s and an infant’s curious paw - should be pulled from newstands in the name of common decency.

“My friends, I’m all about breasts in magazines, just check my mailbox,” said the 72-year-old. “But, my fellow Americans, when naked hooters start showing up on newstand covers, unhidden from children’s eyes, then enough is enough. These Hollywood liberals might not care about ethical standards, but just check my record – I have put my country before boobs every time.”

Although the move stands to re-re-resolidify his support among the non-sexual ultra-conservative base, republican analysts speculate it might hurt his image among independents.

“I just don’t see how you denounce breastfeeding, or even breasts in general, for that matter - especially when they’re Angelina Jolie’s of all people,” said Robert Rowdy, republican analyst for Cinemax. “There’s probably six men in America who will vote for him now, and he’s related to all of them.”

The harsh stance has also spawned a rift between McCain and vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, who is an ardant supporter of the voluptuous appendages.

“Sarah Palin has always advocated on behalf of breasts of all shapes, sizes, and angles,” said Maureen Browley, Palin’s wardrobe aide. “In all seriousness, where would Sarah be without them? Probably married to some wife beater in Alaska…I mean Iowa.”

The Obama campaign released a statement applauding Jolie for her courage and her extensive work for mothers worldwide.

“Senator Obama has always been a huge Angelina Jolie fan,” said Mitch Brock, an Obama aide. “He’s already requested a signed copy of the issue, as well as any extra photo negatives the photographer might have lying around. Huge fan of hers. Huge.“

McCain downplays Tony Romo injury…says Cowboys still the favorites

Corrupting the News…

John McCain still has his money on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl.

Despite losing starting quarterback, Tony Romo, for up to a month with a broken pinky on his throwing hand, the republican presidential nominee told reporters Monday that “the fundamentals of the Dallas Cowboys are still strong,” and that he “expects big things out of Jessica Simpson’s man.”

“The Cowboys represent America, that’s why they’re America’s team,” McCain said. “You look at their jerseys, and cheerleaders, and their players, and their owner, and their cheerleaders, and that’s what you see - main street America.”

When asked to comment on the disruptions caused by volatile personalities like Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones, McCain continued the America metaphor.

“You visit the inner city neigborhoods of some of our most impoverished cities and that’s what you see – jackass clowns like that,” he said. “Not that I’ve seen it personally, that’s just what you hear. But me? I avoid those areas like the goddamn plague. Never go. Why? They aren’t voting for me anyway. Fuck ’em.”

The Obama campaign pounced on the McCain quote, saying it was the economy all over again.

I'm the greatest ever!

“John McCain comes out and says the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and then Wall Street goes down like a lame hooker,” said Obama spokeswoman, Sharon Felt. “Now he says the Cowboys are still favorites, even though Romo’s hand is fucked worse than O.J. The man obviously has no freaking clue of what’s going on in the world around him.”

Tony Romo, who broke the pinky Sunday while getting crushed for the twentieth time by the Arizona Cardinals, said he appreciated McCain’s support in these dark times.

“That’s really neat that a man who could be president is thinking about little old me,” Romo said. “You know what’s also neat? That I’m bangin’ Jessica Simpson and everybody thinks I’m the greatest thing ever. Which they should. Because I am.”

McCain: Phiten necklace keeps me alive

Corrupting the News…

It appears John McCain is a rather superstitious man. He’s betting his life on voodoo.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today McCain told reporters that he would have been “old news” if not for his Phiten necklace, which stabilizes the electric flow nerves use to communicate actions to the body.

“Just look at me, look at this withered old body – was there any question I have some help,” he said, flossing the necklace to oohs and ahs of reporters. “I wouldn’t even be able to get my crusty balls out of bed in the morning if not for this technological miracle. It’s second to nothing, except maybe the Blackberry – which I, of course, invented.”

McCain: Phiten necklaces keep me going

Phiten necklaces - invented by Japanese quasi-doctor/scientist, Yoshihiro Hirata – are highly popular among athletes, who believe the magnetic circles grant them superhuman powers.

“John Daly, John Kruk, Kimbo Slice – they’re all big on this shit,” said Clyde Hopp, managing editor of Fake Medicine in Athletics. “It’s practically a necklace made out of drugs. It’s that awesome.”

Some experts question the plausibility of a necklace of tiny magnets having any actual effect on the body, calling claims of superhuman abilities gained through jewelry “absolutely preposterous.”

“You’re telling me I can put a necklace around my neck and prolong life or gain superhuman athletic abilities,” said Dr. Tom Braley. “Yeah, and I’m fucking Iron Man.”

Despite not having any substantial evidence that the necklaces work, the McCain campaign is having a Phiten necklace, earings, and bracelets made for Sarah Palin.

“Right now we need as much blood or electricity or whatever the hell it is flowing through that woman’s brain,” said McCain aide, Bill Bryer. “We need as much help as possible. Jewelry, voodoo, witchcraft – we’re exploring all options.”

Who’s the Socialist: Obama or McCain?

Considering the News…

 

The Straight Talk Express and its 527 trolleys love depicting Obama as the most liberal Democrat alive. They get off on it. Or they get off track. Either way.

 

They scare the American electorate with frightening images of Obama, usually black and white pictures, which I assume are supposed to make a black man appear even more…well, I won’t even complete that sentence.

 

Anyone who’s viewed the commercials gets the drift. It’s a shady operation…Like driving down Fear Politics Highway at 130 with an open bottle of Jack Daniels and Nine Inch Nails blaring. George H. W. Bush shit.

 

And it works on ignorant people. People with prejudices. People who drive Buicks and Ford Tauruses.

 

Thus the spineless captain of double-speak takes to the stump with lines like “Obama and his liberal buddies in Washington” and “The country can’t afford someone as dangerous as Barack Obama right now.”

 

It’s precisely the kind of ostensible crap you expect to hear in a presidential race. It’s only politics, as W would say, and if lies get under your skin then feel free to abandon your benevolent campaign or to get some damn thicker skin.

 

Yet what makes this instance so amusing – frightening, were he to defy all poll numbers and common logic by actually winning the election – is that McCain, as of late, has been out-libbing even the one he’s spent an entire campaign smearing as the most disgusting liberal in Washington.

 

In a moment that even Michael Jackson thought was fucking crazy, McCain winged his solution to the financial crisis during the town hall debate last week – his presumed strong area. In front of millions of stupefied people to boot. It was that bewildering.

 

He truly went Maverick on the country’s ass, taking not the road less traveled, but the road no one in their right mind should be stumbling down – that the government bail out every American saddled with an unmanageable mortgage.

 

Not just the impoverished and underprivileged Americans who can’t make ends meet and face imminent foreclosure – that would have at least been an honorable approach – but bail out every fool in the country who fancied themselves millionaires because they bought a 1.2-million-dollar crib on a trash-collector’s salary.

 

Indeed, the Maverick has been sitting too close to the gas tank of the Straight Talk Express. He’s no longer talking straight – he’s straight rambling like a lunatic without his pill bottle handy.

 

Now he aims to claw his way out of the treacherous pits of unfavorable poll numbers by suggesting the government take on its most substantial project since the New Deal. Did he consult anyone about this absurd plan before blurting it out on national television?

 

Who knows. What we do know is he’s doing it as the nominee for the Grand Ole Party…the party of small government…less government spending…praise Jesus, not the government…keep the White House at all costs, even if it means ravaging and defiling every rule or law we claim to care about.

 

So remember that filthy little nugget of information when you step into the voting booth in three weeks and have the audicity to consider voting for Barack Obama and his asinine liberal cronies in Washington.

 

Lord knows we can’t afford a reckless liberal spender like him.

How to make the last Presidential Debate actually interesting

Considering the News…

There’s a problem with the presidential debates – they’re boring as shit. It doesn’t matter what the format is, who’s moderating, or what topics are addressed – they’re boring as shit. It’s that simple.

National League baseball is more interesting. A 19-year-old college slacker stoned out of his gord and watching the shopping network is liable to exert more enthusiasm than the millions of “My 401K is fucked” Americans forced to devise arbitrary drinking games just to trudge through the first two Sunday school sessions the candidates bludgeoned our sanity with.

“McCain said ‘My friends’ – drink up, motherfucker!”

The vice-presidential debate was inherently interesting on account of the heated expectations of Sarah Palin falling on her Alaskan-fisherman-cock-smoking face…or whether Loquacious Joe would attack her like an evangelist condemning the whores at the 8th Street Asian massage parlor. That’s just good television.

However, we won’t be as privileged this time around. We have the monotonous maverick and his awkward laughs and disoriented attacks, making up economic policies as he goes along. We have the recently subdued messenger of hope endlessly portraying his steady presidential demeanor nobody figured he had, resisting the perpetual urge to break into a valiant oration of change.

And the American electorate suffers for it. Not only has watching the debates been more viciously dreadful than Sunday television the week after the Super Bowl, but seemingly half the channels broadcast them, leaving few outs.

Thus we must readdress the fundamental basics of what presidential debates are comprised of. Renegotiate the terms. Go back to the damn drawing board.

First, if a coin flip decides which candidate receives the first question, let’s manipulate such an approach for the delight of viewers. Before each question the candidates play a game of quarters to determine 1) Who takes a shot of Jameson and answers first 2) Who chugs a 24-ounce beer and follows up.

I figure by the time the moderator gets around to public education – assuming such a topic is ever discussed in this campaign – both candidates will be fucked out of their minds, creating a true test of who has the mental fortitude and bulging cajones to lead our nation.

Whenever a candidate exceeds his time limit, a practical certainty for every question, he is penalized by force of the beer bong. Should it take him longer than two seconds to suck it down, he sacrifices his next question altogether and sheds one garment of clothing.

The second 30 minutes of the debate will be entirely devoted to a senatorial game of “I’ve never”, where the candidates take turns calling out their opponent.

For instance, Obama might lead by saying, “In the senate I’ve never wasted 26 years doing absolutely dick about energy independence.” Then McCain rebuttals by saying something like, “In the senate I’ve never spent half my tenure dodging my duties while running for president.”

Considering both candidates will be drunk off their asses by this point, one would expect at least three fights to break out, which leads me to the next 30 minutes of the debate.

10 minutes for a Cindy McCain-Michelle Obama KY Jelly wrestling match. America deserves this. However, knowing that Michelle would easily manhandle the frail, germaphobic Cindy, she only gets to use her left arm. Fair is fair.

10 minutes for Barack and John to run the final gauntlet in American Gladiator. Although McCain is at a notable disadvantage here, it would be a prime opportunity for him to dismiss America’s concerns about him being old as fuck and near death, by merely completing the course. The odds and physical realities are against him, but so goes his run for the Oval Office.

The final 10 minutes of the debate will then go to audience questioning – with a savage twist.

In lieu of “I’m John Davis and I’d a like ta know what y’all’s stance is on medicare,” the audience participants will be permitted to ask the questions reasonable Americans really want to know.

“Barack, how often do you bang the misses? Five, six times a week?”

“John, when was the last time you had sex without any pharmaceutical assistance? 1983? 87 maybe?”

“Barack, have the words ‘I hate white people’ ever come out of your mouth?”

“John, what does the sentence ‘I’m crazy as shit’ mean to you?”

Such a debate format would definitely help television ratings, while also preserving the sanity and overall morale of tens of millions of Americans. It would afford the electorate a comprehensive opportunity to decide exactly which candidate they prefer. Simply put, it would be a damn good time.

My suggestions are merely a stepping stone. Let me know what I left out. What additional challenges should the candidates be put up against? Should fire be involved in any way? Strippers? The Pope?

Message to Joe the Plumber: You’re Rich, Bitch! And a Fraud!

Considering the News…

Joe the Plumber is a goddamn American hero. In the flesh. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body…American hero.

At least that’s what the McCain campaign wants the country to believe. They want us to eat him up and say, “Ah, that Joe the Plumber’s just like me – I’ll be damned! McCain really is the guy for regular folks like Joe the Plumber and myself.”

The only problem is Joe the Plumber’s likely a fraud. Actually, I have no doubts about it. This is character placement of the worst kind – like in porn when the pizza guy shows up just as the sexy coed chicks are lotioning each other up, having totally forgotten they even ordered a large cheese 30 minutes before.

Joe the Plumber watches McCain make an ass out of him.

Joe Six Pack meet Joe the Plumber. That’s what this surreptitious political ploy is all about – putting a face, a rather stern and frustrated one, on Joe Six Pack.

Pull him out of the crowd, teach him a few clutch lines, slip him a thousand bucks, and say, “Joe, congratulations – you’re famous!”

Knowing that the McCain campaign has been writing thousands of bogus “Letters to the Editor” around the country, is it any surprise his shameless cohorts would devise such a Rovian scheme?

Not at all. We expect as much. That’s why republicans win more campaigns. That’s why you occasionally experience the patriotism-inspired notion that, “You know, McCain really is a patriot. If he wins, well fuck, I’m right behind him.” Then he smirks and thrusts an unnecessary dagger and the feeling fades quick enough that fortunately no permanent scars or streak marks stay on your conscience.

They’re dirty dogs running a dirty campaign. “I regret some of the things said in this campaign,” McCain said. “Every time there’s been an out-of-bounds remark made by a republican, no matter where they are, I have repudiated them.”

This was just another lame excuse from a cut-throat quasi-racist campaign. High school freshmen showing up at 3 a.m. reeking like booze come up with more compelling excuses than that heartless smut.

At least throw us a fucking bone here, John. Make up some unbelievable shit. Say Sarah Palin’s been hypnotized by terrorists or aliens or something of the sort. Don’t act like you can say anything as long as you repudiate it. Did that work for Michael Richards? No.

And Joe Wurzelbacher may indeed be a plumber wanting to someday buy his own company, but there’s no way he was a random bystander that mystically collided with Obama.

The McCain camp knew Barack was going door-to-door, and if it wasn’t Joe the Plumber it would have been Joe the Carpenter, Joe the Trucker or Joe the Bartender. Eitherway, Joe Middle-Class America was running into Obama that day. It just happened to be Wurzelbacher.

The amusing part of the whole charade was during the debate when flustered McCain ended up flipping out on his own planted gem, Joe the Plumber. Flipped out like a freaking lunatic. Flipped out like the hot head all his cronies, confidants and acquaintances know him to be.

“Joe, congratulations – you’re rich, bitch! And Senator Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!!!”

Daily Kos: Joe the Plumber or Joe the Tax Evader

Considering the News…

Maybe Joe the Plumber doesn’t have to worry about Obama’s proposed tax hikes for the rich and famous after all. Looks like the unregistered voter of the year doesn’t care for paying taxes no matter what the amount.

After ABC News identified America’s new favorite plumber’s crack as one Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher, a quick check on Ohio’s online tax records reveals one Samuel J Wurzelbacher of Toledo is being pursued in the Lucas County Court of Common Pleas for $1,182.98 in unpaid dues to Uncle Sam.

The Daily Kos shed the light on this story. We’ll see where the roaches scramble to for cover.

Such a brutal turn of events might discredit my claims that Joe the Plumber is a fraud faker than Pam Anderson’s fun bags, for certainly Mr. Wurzelbacher wouldn’t have willingly injected himself into the mainstream media hoopla of this paramount election knowing he’d left the needle and burnt spoon out on the bathroom sink for any mudslinger to trudge up.

So a weird and unenviable fate awaits Mr. McCain’s new favorite stump figure, Mr. Working Man America, Joe the Plumber.

Either his unexpected fame was pure luck, shitty luck, or, as I contended before, a complete fabrication by the McCain camp. If it turns out it’s the latter, Joe the Plumber should at least ask the Maverick to borrow 1,200 bucks and a lawyer.

Joe the Unlicensed Plumber

Considering the News…

Looks like Joe the Plumber is going to be out of a job. Stardom is a bitch like that.

You don’t become an iconic archetype of American politics and get away unscathed. As McCain would even say – first it’s the hatchet, then the scalpel.

Well, they’re taking the scalpel right between Joe’s ears and legs right now, because reports from the Toledo Blade indicate that Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher is an Ohio plumber – just not a legally licensed one.

Which, of course, is a problem, seeing as how most state laws require proper credentials for obtaining jobs that dictate where and when the shit flows.

I’m sure Joe the Plumber will be fine, however. He has every major TV, radio, and news medium in the country wanting to polish that sleak dome of his. Thus I imagine a handsome reward – possibly a book deal or star role in the WWE – will land in his lap shortly…assuming it hadn’t already before he ever “happened” upon Barack Obama last week.

Oh, how fate does put the average Joe in unfathomable situations.

Will Obama’s support actually show up?

Considering the News…

Barack Obama’s looking over his shoulder like a vulnerable sweetheart scampering through the streets of Harlem at 3 in the morning. Why wouldn’t he?

Having survived the final debate with the new-car smell still fresh in his RV of Hope, Obama reminded supporters yesterday of two words that dispel any notion the election is in the bag – New Hampshire.

While this is a reasonable point – Hillary’s tears of patriotism 36 hours before the NH primary resulted in a Obama second-place finish – it doesn’t entirely translate to his current position.

Obama was the hot piece of ass after storming through Iowa with a leadoff victory, but a New Hampshire win was never “inevitable,” to use the Hillary camp parlance, as his election seems to some right now.

Therefore, perhaps he should have said three words – New England Patriots.

That’s the plight of team Obama now. If too many supporters…especially the young cats idolizing him like…Sammy Davis Jr…neglect to vote on account of overconfidence, Obama’s election hopes will sink faster than a bar of soap in the prison shower. Which is quite fast considering gravity.

Thus Obama will spend the remaining 18 days of his campaign reinvigorating his already-committed voters. It sounds asinine, but the thorn in his ass isn’t the “independent” voters who could go McCain, but the voters he already successfully seduced six months ago.

Should a considerable amount of sure-thing voters decide to do laundry or catch the new episode of House, Obama’s extensive support will dwindle and provide McCain an unnecessary opening.

Pissed off republicans like Joe the Plumber won’t stay home on election day, no matter what’s on TV or how much they hate Bush. So the question is whether Barack’s fan base shows up on moving day to help him pack up boxes for the White House.

New McCain strategy – defend Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

John McCain’s going on the defensive for his new son-in-law, Joe the Plumber.

After latching his campaign to the anti-socialist Mr. Clean fanatic, McCain now looks to score points by accusing Obama’s camp of bringing down poor Joe.

While I’m sure the O-Team relishes the fact Joe the Plumber is a 40K-a-year nobody and not an authentic 250K-earning potential small business owner, the media lunatics raiding Toledo are responsible for the vicious revelations concerning this political creature – not Obama staffers.

Hence McCain’s desperate strategy. By going after Obama for going after America’s premier plumber’s crack, McCain-Palin is employing yet another “he’s not really like us” tactic.

Will it work? Probably not. But the more people talk about a tax-evading plumber, the better off McCain is.

Obama wants to talk about issues – doesn’t every politician – but McCain needs people to forget about the slumping economy and the seedy republican party the country predominately associates it with.

And he needs them to forget fast. For it doesn’t matter whose policies are better, as Obama wins the economy debate by default. Not tax codes.

Bush-McCain comparisons valid – sort of

Considering the News…

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, it’s not exactly “Britney’s prego again!” breaking news, but a simple reminder of how fragmented the Bush administration has been.

Essentially the White House has been fractured into two parts – W and all the good old boys like Mean Dick, Rove, Scooter, and the like…and then everyone else, namely the disillusioned few W has told to fuck off a time or two before.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with this. America wants a leader. Someone to tell Gorbachev to wipe the Soviet tears from his eyes and do away with the walls of terror and injustice.

But when does the cowboy finally saddle over the line? At what point do the congenial PTA-parents, church-going do-gooders, and everyday brown-nosing sandbaggers finally say, “Does this lunatic listen to anyone?”

Bush hands McCain the keys

That should be our most pressing concern in regards to drawing Bush-McCain comparisons. Not the “90 percent of the time” or “Four more years of failed economic policy” or “10 billion dollars a month in Iraq.”

Those lines are trivial garbage, for certainly the most jagged scars on the ass of W’s presidency won’t be the doomed policies he insisted on perpetuating, but the actual insistence with which he implemented them.

Many presidents employ fallacies for policies, which can often be attributed to the incompetence of a collective cabinet. But not Bush. No, his problem is the arrogant, recluse manner in which he made his every decision.

And a McCain presidency promises more of the same.

Never mind the occupation of Iraq, the slumping economy, and the erratic immigration – these issues are frightening, yet no more so than the social cancers that lurched in the American bellies of yesteryear.

So it is imperative the country’s leaders begin taking a collective and all-inclusive approach to these problems.

Only then will our leaders prove triumphant once again. Citizens will rejoice. Confetti will rain on Times Square. Even Tara Reid’s saggy sack of cottage cheese in back won’t appear as gruesome.

But such a scenarior will never materialize behind the leadership of yet another “cowboy” or “maverick” or “reformer” or “friendless straight talking renegade.”

“Talk softly and carry a big stick,” is what Teddy Roosevelt used to say.

Maybe when historians reflect on a Barack Obama presidency they will attribute a similarly epic and transcendent phrase – “Listen closely and never act alone.”

McCarthyism is alive and well…let the witch hunt begin

Considering the News…

Sometimes it’s not a democrat and republican thing. Sometimes the beef isn’t between different ethnic groups, or genders, or SUV and hybrid drivers, or missionary thrusters and reverse-cowboy riders.

Sometimes it’s the straight delusional and paranoid folks versus the rest of the sane and sober (maybe not the right word) citizens of the country.

And when the desperately warped minds of the former get charged up on hate and vengeance, then it’s time for a good old fashioned witch hunt.

Bring out the pitchforks, wash the white sheets, and fire up the torches, because there’s outsiders among us, and lord knows that shit doesn’t fly with the deranged minds mistaking prejudice for patriotism.

Indeed, Minnesota Congresswoman, republican Michelle Bachmann, has been reading the McCarthy Doctrine by candlelight and getting off on historical accounts of the Salem Witch Trials.

She’s studied up. She’s been working out. She’s ready.

Now this lame headline grabber is plotting against a democrat-controlled congress and White House, assuming Barack Obama wins the election, by summoning the media to conduct a thorough investigation of congress.

For what? Get this: Anti-Americanism.

Oooooh.

No, this isn’t a twisted and demented Halloween gag. It’s craziness at it’s worst.

Anti-Americanism? What? Why?

Because Barack “Yes my middle name is Hussein – Got a fucking problem with it?” Obama is on the White House front stoop. He’s “measuring the curtains” and changing the sheets and finding kinky spots for him to get presidential on Michelle’s ass…

And Bachmann’s not having it. She’s prepared to drag every democrat (it’s safe to assume that party will be the primary target) in Washington across the fiery coals of lunacy, because damn it! she’s a patriot.

But is she? Is she really? Perhaps not.

It’s one thing to ridicule a senator for voting against funding the troops or for not wearing a freaking Senate pin on the lapel or suggesting Americans pay taxes – and it’s another thing to wage war against half the country because your grip on power is weakening.

But that’s what some republicans are doing these days, more or less. Whether it’s saying “I know a liberal when I see one” or “Senator Obama’s economic policies sound like pure socialism” or “He’s not a Christian, so he must be anti-American” – some just resort to stigmatism.

Fuck talking issues or policies or ideas, let’s just label and castrate those who disagree with us.

After all, that’s what democracy’s all about. Right?

Sarah Palin Rewrites Constitution – Smarter than 3rd Grader

Considering the News…

U.S. Constitution Sarah’s Book of Fun Powers!!!

Sarah Palin’s foot landed in her mouth again. It’s almost ridiculous how well she does it. Unprecedented perhaps.

When she first entered the American conscience seven weeks ago it appeared accidental, almost as if she were merely demonstrating how high she could kick. But now she seems to be intentionally targeting her own teeth…and on a daily basis to boot.

While responding to the inquiry of a third grader during a recent television interview, Palin threw out the U.S. Constitution like she was buying new linens.

In glamorizing describing creating the vice president’s actual influence, the pride of Alaska defiled the country’s sacred document yet again by expanding the position’s authority beyond mere President of the Senate, to a hybrid political figure the likes of which have never been seen. A President-slash- Majority-slash-Minority Leader.

Although Article I clearly states:
“The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.”

Palin responded by yodeling out, “That’s something that Piper would ask me! … (The vice president is) in charge of the U.S. Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes.”

I beg your pardon. Really get in there? Make a lot of good policy changes?

I’m forced to believe she either absorbed Tina Fey’s sense of humor over the weekend, or is truly convinced Washington does need some crooked element of change – because this is utterly preposterous.

No one gives a damn what Dick Cheney thinks as he sits in the Senate President’s chair and polishes his rifle and exacerbates the hemorrhoids riddling his ass, for it only becomes relevant should a vote end in a tie. Other than that – nothing. Just listen to the debate, slam a gavel or something, and shut up.

But not in Palin’s view. Not in her world. Wait, that might just be it. Perhaps this is simply Palin’s World of which Madam Maverick speaks.

If this is indeed the case with Palin, one’s time would be ill-spent becoming upset, offended, or even dumbfounded by any of her dubious remarks – no matter how absurd, befuddled, illegal or unconstitutional – as she’s not coming back down any time soon.

There’s no use. Her perceptions of established government procedures differ from conventional wisdom. Real change, I suppose.

This is America. This is the United States. This is Alaska. This is Palin’s World.

Welcome, we hope you enjoy it. It’s kind of like Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. But with no rule of law.

Sarah Palin Shopping Spree – News or Poor Judgment?

Considering the News…

So Sarah Palin likes nice clothes. Really nice clothes. What woman doesn’t?

The recent disclosure of the Republican National Committee’s $150K spent on campaign accessories (read Palin’s flashy outfits) has made a lot of jaws hurt, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. It shouldn’t be a topic at all. Politicians should look good. Give the crowd something to look at. Feel good about.

But it is a story. Especially considering the fiery sack of shit that is our current economy.

Hillary Clinton had $3,000 haircuts. John Edwards got his ears lowered $400 at a time. John McCain does is stumping two-step in $600 leather shoes. Barack Obama rocks Burberry – shit ain’t cheap.

So why doesn’t Palin get a pass? How can she be simultaneously lauded for her chic fashion sense and morally condemned for her chic fashion sense?

Because hockey moms aren’t supposed to wear $10k outfits. It just doesn’t make any damn sense. Wayne Gretzky’s mom maybe, but not your average rink-side bulldog cheering on her son’s 15-year-old AAU team.

Her authenticity falters. Her speeches about helping put food on the table and gas in the tank become condescending. Who can believe a woman shares your daily financial struggles when you know her leather boots are worth more than your weekly pay check.

But it’s no fault of hers. The McCain camp gave her the VISA card and what reasonable human being wouldn’t drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue? I’d be all over it. Never even been to Saks Fifth Avenue, but I’m intrigued by any clothing store where one can blow 50 grand without buying the same item twice.

Now McCain will suffer for this blank check. He took his prized hockey mom from Alaska, gave her a million-dollar makeover, and is left not with a perfect running mate, but exactly what he’s allegedly campaiging against – a spoiled Washington insider. This one just happens to be from Alaska.

(Author’s Note: I fully understand this expensive clothing will be donated to charity after the campaign. However, it makes little difference politically. The damage has been done.)

Nixon, Rove and Giuliani – A Political Poker Game in Hell

Considering the News…

Richard Nixon has two seats saved in Hell for Karl Rove and Rudy Giuliani. The bastards plan to smoke cigars, shoot guns and trade pots, cackling it up as they compare stories of political warfare. Might even play some darts afterwards.

Nixon and Rove would naturally dominate the conversation, slapping each other on the back each time one trumped the other. We can only pray the twisted, god-spiting nature of these ruthless leaders of the Distinguished League of Political Crooks is never replicated again. Pure evil plagues their spirits. Straight from the devil’s boiling cauldron of fear and hate.

“I broke into Watergate and damn near got away with it,” Nixon grunts. “That goddamn Forrest Gump and those two clowns from the Washington Post fucked it all up!”

“Yeah, well you see what I did to that son of bitch John McCain before the South Carolina primary in 2000?” Rove responds. “Took that straight out of LBJ’s play book. The only democrat to contribute anything worth a damn the whole twentieth century.”

And Giuliani wouldn’t have shit to say. The glib little punk just sits on his hands and smirks. Laughing at all of Mean Dick’s lame and misogynistic jokes, asking if he requires another scotch. Asking Rove if he can iron his shirt and polish his undercarriage again.

Because Giuliani’s never been more than a political hack whose ambition exceeds his competence and balls, having only won the NYC mayorship because nobody else was stupid or egotistical enough to take on such a doomed mission. Whatever power he might have fancied himself to boast was never worth much, because even his closest comrades knew his word wasn’t worth shit.

But now I’m not so sure. After reading about his disgusting robocall on the Huffington Post I now suspect little Rudy might indeed be as evil and shameless as the best of them (worst of them, I suppose).

We always knew the words oozing through his insufferable lisp were imbued with some venomous substance, yet the exact elements seemed to always elude us.

Now we know.

His despicable being is comprised of a lethal cocktail of East River sewer water, pure ethanol, a gallon of putrid stomach bile, and a half-cup of Nixon’s piss. Not the kind of toxic chemicals you want around the house. It eats you alive. Full-grown men don’t stand a chance, let alone the children and the elderly.

So consider this a kind warning: steer clear of Giuliani and anyone who speaks his name with a straight face. No good can come of it. Not when smug Rudy is behind the plot.

Actual message from Rudy Giuliani:

“Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I’m calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It’s true, I read Obama’s words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals — trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can’t trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.”

Obama will say anything to get elected. Really, John McCain? Really?

Considering the News…

Barack Obama will say anything to get elected, you know. He panders to both sides and changes policies like the wind blows, wouldn’t you say? He would lose a war to get elected, haven’t you heard this shit?

John McCain has tried to beat this into American minds like he’s massaging a knot out of Cindy’s back. He wants to discredit the mystical illusion that Obama’s a god-sent shepherd of hope, by labeling him just another politician who will say anything on account of unbridled ambition.

And rightly so. Obama does a commendable job hunting for the imaginary center threshold of American opinion, because this is a freaking presidential election. He’d be ignorant or naive not to, as you don’t secure 270 electoral votes by addressing only 25 percent of the electorate.

So the problem with John McCain’s statement, “Thirteen days to go, and he changed his tax plan because the American people had learned the truth about it and they didn’t like it,” is that it’s more hypocritical than ordering a goddamn Diet Coke with your triple Whopper value meal.

The accusation might have gone unnoticed had it not come within a week of the McCain campaign’s sleezy, underhanded and illegal swarm of robocalls overemphasizing Obama’s connection to Bill Ayers and the even more vile and unfounded litany of Rudy Giuliani robocalls implying Obama will let rapists and drug dealers run rampant through the streets like rats during a plague.

So there it is, Mr. Maverick. There isn’t much advice one can give to an experienced and tried veteran and U.S. Senator who has survived 72 years on this earth.

But I’m compelled to at least try.

Look over your shoulder and take a good whiff. Do you smell that? Your ass smells just as bad, if not worse, than everybody else’s.

Oh, yeah, while we’re chatting – any comments on your decision earlier in the campaign to pull a complete 180 on your opposition to offshore drilling once you learned the majority of voters in the great swing state of Florida were all for it?

I didn’t think so.

Will Bush endorse Obama?

Considering the News…

It’s getting tougher and tougher for Obama to make the case that ”A John McCain presidency would be four more years of the Bush White House.” Hell, it might just be McCain’s campaign theme the final weeks heading into the election, with Obama as the apparent continuation of the unpopular lame duck prick from Texas.

Yet another former Bush lacky has latched onto the Obama wagon of hope, and it appears even Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby could be stumping for him within days.

Former Bush press secretary, Scott McClellan, didn’t exactly shock the world with his endorsement of Obama, for his Bush-bashing book spelled the end of his role in W’s reign of terror months ago. However, it does highlight just how badly the country wants to move in a new direction, so much so two former Bush officials have crossed parties in less than a week.

To assert such endorsements could have been possible even 4 years ago would be utterly ridiculous, like Lindsey Lohan advocating abstinence.

So who’s next? Condi? Dick? The First Lady? Bush himself?

I wouldn’t bet on any of them. Nor would I bet on anyone with adequate brain functioning ever possibly buying the absurdities McCain’s been trumpeting about being the candidate who will bring about actual change in Washington.

Not when your own party members see it for the crockpot of bubbling shit that it is. Not when your idea of change means courting around an Alaskan power-mongering farce who can’t even dress herself. Not when you’ve been frequenting Washington cocktail parties for 26 years, rubbing elbows and trading favors with the same bloodthirsty lobbyists you’d supposedly go after if elected.

Not when your name is John McCain and everybody agrees your record is commendable, but your yellow and bloodshot eyes illuminate the greedy and vindictive truth that has been your work, your life, your being.

Not when the country is ready for something new.

Apology from Drudge Report: She Made It Up!!!

Considering the News…

Seeing as how Mr. Drudge of the esteemed Drudge Report has too much pride to take at least partial blame for the hysteria incited by an obviously mentally-ill McCain supporter who fabricated an assault and carved a fucking backwards B into her own face (seriously, girl, you didn’t think it all through before taking a blade to your cheek?), Winn & Tonic feels obliged to offer one on his behalf.

I am sorry that I put that sensational headline on my web site before knowing all the facts (Obama supporter attacks McCain volunteer…Carves B in her face), which prompted hundreds of right-wing bloggers to run rampant with “Typical Obama Supporter” and “Obama and his gang of hoodlum supporters should be imprisoned” stories, blogs, and opinions.

Little old Winn & Tonic, which would never claim to rival the influence of the infamous Drudge, would like to take the time to say this…

Typical McCain supporters and their do anything to win political schemes…are politics worth self-mutilation?

The backwards B fooled only delusional McCain supporters.

Bigots, Lunatics, Robocalls, and the McCain Campaign

Considering the News…

There’s much panic, paranoia and uncertainty swarming around the dysfunctional McCain camp, as volunteers and supporters launch vigilante fear-mongering campaigns to sway (scare) undecided voters.

It’s bad enough that you have Rudy Giuliani’s smug little ass robo-calling American households at all hours of the night. It’s even worse that you have depressed and delusional coeds carving up their own faces and blaming the savagery on imaginary 6-4 black dudes.

The racial undertones behind these incidents are disturbing - in the mildest sense - but at least the cockeyed hooligans responsible had the decency (cowardice?) to suppress them to the point of mere undertones.

Then you have the brazen racists and bigots groping each other at Sarah Palin’s KKK rallies - mean folks hellbent on bleaching the American citizenry. The kind of nervous and intolerant rednecks who sleep with Confederate flag quilts and Nazi throw pillows…Twisted back-country minds that will likely plague our society for decades to come.

And it’s a damn shame. As an ardent supporter of the First Amendment I am torn on whether it extends to the kind of pure smut featured below. From Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire and Brandenburg v. Ohio to National Socialist (Nazi) Party v. Skokie, the issue of hate speech has been addressed by the Supreme Court numerous times. However, I’m uncertain where this letter – taped to mailboxes in Wisconsin – falls under these rulings. Maybe I don’t want to know……

This fucked letter was taped to Wisconsin mailboxes

McCain’s Socialist Surprise

Considering the News…

It’s down to the final eight days, and John McCain intends to spend his final hours drilling thoughts of “Barack Obama the Marxist” into the public conscience, hoping such a notion scares the shit out of enough people to snare the election from the “socialist grips” of Obama nation.

The most recent sensational headlines from the Drudge Report distort the truth enough. “2001 Obama: Tragedy that ‘Redistribution of Wealth’ Not Pursued by Supreme Court.”

Honey, hide the children, the goddamn socialists are coming!

The right-wing news pundits and their beloved Drudge Report use a number of convenient quotes from an Obama 2001 radio interview with Chicago’s public radio station.

While the senator from Illinois does say “tragedy” and “the courts” and “redistribution of wealth” during the course of the interview, the context with which he utters these words are brutally reconstructed by the GOP mudslinging machine of fear.

Obama doesn’t say it was a tragedy that the Supreme Court neglected to pursue the redistribution of wealth – which Drudge would love all of us capitalist bastards to believe – but that the Civil Rights Movement failed to address the necessary fundamental changes that afford every citizen equal opportunities for economic prosperity.

Yet the McCain campaign is intent on exploiting every utterance of “redistribution of wealth” from Obama – no matter what the context. We should expect elementary school teachers to begin surfacing with old pictures Obama drew 40 years ago, pictures with five kids each holding one dollar. That’s what the GOP wants us to believe, because frankly it’s the only pathetic card they have left.

Perhaps they should pursue the “redistribution of ideas” because lord knows they’re falling short on the right side of the aisle these days – the fear well is quickly running dry.

On another note, a trusted reader alerted me to the fact the London Financial Times just endorsed Obama. For those who aren’t aware, it’s one of the most highly conservative papers in the world…with no known socialist or Marxist members on its distinguished editorial board.

Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

Considering the News…

Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain - many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

Obama 30-minute show: Media Overkill or McCain Killer

Considering the News…

Tonight should prove quite entertaining. It’s make or break. American society as we know it could either completely unravel or bond together, as the manifest force of the looming Obama presidency reveals itself tonight.

With Obama’s 30-minute self-history seminar set to constipate the Wednesday primetime lineup, I can already here the collective moans from the millions of viewers who have either 1) already committed to Obama and can’t wait for these campaign charades to cease 2) wouldn’t vote for Obama even if George W. Bush and Carrot Top were the only other names on the ballot 3) got the days mixed up and thought they were tuning into It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

I can hear the beer bottles shattering against back-alley walls. The incessant cries of young children terrorizing my ear drums and sanity. The panicked moans of sci-fi freaks wondering “Where the hell is my goddamn CSI ?!?! Where’s the crime lab? Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on here!”

Obama’s running full speed with 30 miles of tight rope pressing between his toes. This 30-minute stunt could be the old man unbuckling his trousers and taking a big dump on two years of near-perfect campaigning. If McCain wakes up next Wednesday with a morning presidential chubby, it won’t be on account of anything he did. No, that scenario only materializes because Obama took this messiah thing too damn far (think 200,000 in Berlin or the temple stage before 80,000 at the convention).

But perhaps it will be the clinching, albeit unnecessary, field goal that provides an insurmountable 10-point lead with 6 seconds to play. We won’t know for sure. Fans and supporters might think it’s the best 30 minutes in television history; a few of them might even set the Tivo and replay it for friends and family. But we won’t know about the rest of the nation. Not until tomorrow.

That’s when we’ll all creep into the office, nervous as hell that the undecideds are so pissed about being cheated out of 30 minutes of Deal or No Deal that they saddle over to the crusty McCain supporters during lunch.

That’s how we’ll know. The pundits don’t have to declare it a success or failure – we’ll know when those blasted undecideds make a move at lunch tomorrow. If they stumble over to the McCain crowd, we’ll know it failed. Should they saunter over to the Obama side, we’ll note the genius of this dubious campaign maneuver. (Then again, maybe they’ll just watch reruns of House on USA tonight, never knowing that 30 minutes of campaign history aired on the major networks.

Hopefully the country likes what it sees and saves itself by voting this man into the White House. It’s time to put shallow differences aside and embrace a different America, where our friends and neighbors and community mean more than 30 minutes of television. I can see it vividly…and I like it.

Halloween Costumes for the Candidates

Corrupting the News…

With the Halloween shenanigans nearly upon us, I suspect it’s high time we give some earnest thought to what costumes the candidates will be wearing to their sexy parties this weekend. I know, they’ll likely be much too busy pandering to the masses to even enjoy the festivities, but where would be as people without speculating about this type of shit every now and again?

John McCain: Well, according to Joe Biden, John McCain would make a damn fine President Bush. I’m not certain he can pull off the smirk and head nods, but simply wearing a suit and parading around with his voting record in hand would create a rather convincing illusion.

Runner up: The cowboy from the Village People. Wait, that whole “can’t raise his arms above his shoulders” would likely screw him on that ‘YMCA’ deal.

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

Third Place: A baby with pacifier and bonnet. Decent way to distract voters from his biggest flaw – being a rusty heart beat away from handing the presidency to Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama: Joe the Plumber. This simultaneously accomplishes two things: 1) Probably secures the most sought after vote in the country – that damn Joe Wurzelbacher. 2) Makes people think Obama really is an “average Joe” and thus dismisses any excuses for paranoid citizens who are reluctant to put a check mark next to the name “Barack Hussein Obama.

Runner up: George “The Ice Man” Gervin. Since Obama enjoys hooping it up on the basketball court, why not go as the silky smooth Ice Man. Just makes sense.

Nobody is smoother than the Ice Man...Barack maybe?

Third place: George W Bush. Halloween is synonymous with scary and freaky shit. What’s scarier and freakier than that…I’m even sweating right now just thinking about it.

Sarah Palin: A lawyer specializing in Constitutional Law. There’s nothing more endearing than a funny costume, and this would have the people rolling about wildly. Plus, it would boost her image for that big presidential run in 2012. You know, so it looks like she might have read a few lines of the Constitution at one time or another.

Runner up: A two-timing street-walking hustler. Wait a second…

Third place: Hillary Clinton. This would be McCain’s dream materializing right before our eyes, as Hillary’s ardent supporters scoot over to the right for this election. You didn’t actually think Palin was picked for her experience or governing abilities, did you?

Joe Biden: A silent nun. This would temporarily excuse him from running his mouth like the town drunk on a four-day bender after being laid off from the local coal mine. He might learn something from the experience.

Runner up: A mute. See above.

Third place: Sloth from The Goonies. He wouldn’t be able to say much except, “Heyyyyy, you guyyyyyys!” And everybody would love him for it. They would absolutely fucking love him for it.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

…So there it is. My costume ideas for the candidates are laid out. What? You think I made some poor choices? Well, don’t just be a smug wise-ass – put yours down below. Let the ideas flow…

Obama’s final 30 minutes

Considering the News…

Several days remain in this endless election, but tonight signified Barack Obama’s final 30 minutes of the campaign. He’s given the rib-rattling speeches. Told every version of his American dream story. Sold most elements of his policies. Shook millions of worried hands. And now there aren’t many lines he can butter without sounding like a syndicated rerun.

If Obama doesn’t win the election, it’s safe to say this country truly is doomed. Sitting here 30 minutes after his 30 minute special, I’m left wondering what else America could want in a president at this time, in this corrupted economy, and with the American dream slipping further and further from the reach of us common citizens.

It was a genuine depiction of his vision and values. From spending time with his daughters reading Harry Potter to expressing the need for helping legacy workers achieve the same success as their fathers, mothers, and grandparents, Obama emphasized the need to view all people as common Americans, with similar dreams, matching desires, and unequivocal suffering.

We all want something better. Few Americans can proclaim their lives to be perfect, even though we all strive for such euphoria, so why perpetuate the fallacies of our past by voting for it again.

To many, political inclinations are burdensome, but they have become increasingly necessary these past few years, when our country’s leaders proved not to be leaders at all. Thus the search for unadulterated landscapes was launched by the indignant masses. And we are now on the precipice of a distant arrival.

This election and these dire times have illuminated the social, economic and cultural travesties that plague our daily lives. All of our lives. Everyday. But people still thirst for a shot of undiluted sweetness, a shot of what our forefathers must have been shit-faced on.

Now change looms. Hope thrives. The American dream will prevail. And Barack Obama is a momentous step in that direction.

So why not take this 30 minutes he offered and consider what the next 30 years can sow if we plant the seeds of prosperity and hope today. I know I’ll be in the voting booth endorsing Barack Obama for president next Tuesday. I hope a few of you join me

1 in 7 still undecided? Who the hell are these people?

Considering the News…

There’s so many poll numbers out right now the backs of my eyes throb and my hands are shaking. It’s not even noon but I know a stiff drink might be the only thing to remedy the anxiety. Can’t imagine how Obama’s feeling right now. He has to be fiendish for a smoke, wondering what harm two or six puffs actually inflict.

Despite brewing relatively sizable leads in most polls not conducted by Fox News or the McCain camp, Obama still fears his fate rests with those mindboggled undecideds. They’re scary people for a candidate like him. So persuadable…”moveable” or “changeable” as they’re often called.

A Yahoo!-Associated Press poll says 14 percent have no freaking clue who they’ll vote for. 14 percent! That’s 1 in 7 people who get to the front of the McDonald’s line and act like they’re really pondering some unprecedented order, only to decide on the same Big Mac meal they get every other damn time. Not good for the new chicken wrap that is Barack’s candidacy.

The Washington Post estimates the clueless society to be closer to 10 percent, which is several points lower than this same time in 2000 and 2004. So I suppose we’re at least making some progress as a society.

The McCain camp is confident the majority of undecideds will secretly, quietly sneak over to the maverick, come election day, saying this sector of the electorate are, ”older, downscale, more rural and are certainly economically stressed.”

Older, downscale, more rural. I won’t speculate what this really means, but I’m confident in my readers’ intelligence and ability to decipher the GOP code inherent in that statement.

But luckily these undecideds have wittled away at these candidates’ stances, as the Associated Press reports that when ”Asked where they disagree with Obama, changeable voters most frequently mention taxes and the economy, health care, abortion and social issues such as gun control, and personal traits including his race and his honesty. For McCain, it’s the economy and taxes, health care, foreign policy and abortion.”

So there you have it. They disagee with both candidates on taxes, the economy, health care, and abortion. However, McCain has a slight disadvantage on foreign policy, and Obama is struggling with race and guns.

That’s right, you just read that correctly. This election will boil down to race, guns and war. Phew! It’s a goddamn relief we at least have our priorities straight.

More Republicans endorse Obama – McCain gets Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

On the same day John McCain sealed the deal with the most coveted voter in America (at least in terms of insignificant people who somehow earned undeserved fame), Barack Obama continued reeling in big catches from the GOP pond.

Ronald Reagan’s chief of staff is the latest McCain political casualty, as Ken Duberstein announced he will be voting for Barack Obama come Tuesday.

He joins numerous other lifelong conservatives who feel, among other things, that Obama’s potential for greatness outweighs McCain’s lengthy record of “being a true American.”

Here’s a short list of other republicans dazzled by the light streaming from Obama’s campaign:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

Former Solicitor General for Reagan, Charles Fried

Former South Dakota Senator, Larry Pressler

Former Maryland Senator, Charles Mathias

Former Rhode Island Senator, Lincoln Chafee

Former Massachusettes Governor, William Weld

Former Minnesota Governor, Arne Carlson

Former Bush Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

Former Iowa Congressman, Jim Leach

….You will notice the word “former” precedes many of these distinguished names, thus the McCain camp obviously downplays these figures as irrelevant. However, consider how many times McCain and Palin have invoked the name Reagan in this campaign, and it’s easy to deduce what’s happening.

McCain and Palin say the name Reagan hoping to coerce voters into thinking their broken policies and campaign will somehow translate to a presidency similar to that of President Reagan.

Well, if his own staffers don’t believe it…then why the hell should we?

But good job on the Joe the Plumber endorsement, Senator McCain. It’s a really big deal. Really. I mean that.

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers - the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.

Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

Poll Problems: Florida urban areas boast ONE voting booth

Considering the News…

Writing that headline made my ears ring for some reason. A loud, piercing ring showed up and I’m uncertain whether I should expect it to quiet in the coming hours, or even coming days for that matter.

A story from the Huffington Post, credited to TMZ (still confused why that particular institution got involved), reports that heavily-populated areas in urban Florida only have one freaking polling booth.

How the hell is this possible? Coming from a remotely-populated area in the Midwest, my polling place featured 10 voting booths and probably just as many people waiting in line to usethem. And yet the drastically saturated areas of the country (battleground states at that) have only one damn booth for thousands of voters…hmm.

A travesty of the worst kind. I’m utterly appalled, as well as frightened. The ghost of Katherine Harris is evidently alive and well in Florida. And that’s scary shit.

43 white guys and Barack

Considering the News…

Holy freaking shit. 43 white guys preceded Barack Obama to the White House. Maybe there was a reason Jackie Robinson wore the number 44 then.

Barack Obama’s landslide victory validates the notion America is prepared for seminal change, deviating not just from our old political practices, but the traditional norms and accepted social perceptions that have plagued our country like a bubbling case of syphilis for centuries.

It signifies a great leap for our still young republic. Landing on the moon was invoked many times tonight, and Barack himself alluded to the barriers overcome with the monumental collapse of the Berlin wall. Surprisingly, there was no mention of Moses splitting the Red Sea (at least not on the programs I stumbled across).

Obama spoke of a 106-year-old woman surviving decades of racial and gender discrimination, living long enough to touch a magic computer screen and help pave a sterling road for the first black man into the White House.

This epic moment was celebrated with the most magnanimous political spectacle the country has ever seen. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of citizens flocked into Grant Park like Woodstock was cracking off again. There were no hippies – well probably a few – just mostly the regular whirlwind of fellow Americans you live and work with everyday. And it wasn’t melodies and dance they came for, but the inspiring rhetoric of a true leader, words illuminating a new direction.

And those words soared through the crowd, striking visions of hope and fresh prosperity in the eyes of every onlooker, billowing about like the flurries of a fresh beginning. I am not a biblical man, however, I understand the power of a figure, a message, and a time colliding together before the awe-struck hearts and faces of a common people enduring common struggles.

Barack Obama did that tonight. He reminded us of an American dream, one that seemed too elusive and unreachable to strive for in past days. And it was a moving thing to witness. The kind of thing you witness and immediately recognize to be unrivaled greatness. The kind of thing you sit back and marvel at.

Probably kind of like watching Jackie Robinson sliding into home, when he was the only man of his kind in sight.

A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

The Sky is Falling: It’s National Men Cook Dinner Day!

Considering the News…

There was a rather chilling story featured on CBS’ The Early Show this morning. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. If this is the kind of offensive change we should expect under an Obama administration, then perhaps my vote was a tragic blunder. The apocalypse may be nearing.

You see, The Early Show brought it to the country’s attention that today is “National Men Cook Dinner Day.”

Yes, I too experienced that numb, dumbfounded feeling when initially learning such a twisted holiday even existed. It lends one’s mind to wondering what we can expect next…National Women Change the Oil Day? National Let the Gas Hand Past Empty Before Refilling the Fucking Tank Again Day? National, Honey, Don’t Worry I’ll Go Grab that Gallon Of Milk while You Have a Nice Cocktail and Watch the Game Day?

Well, all these ideas sound downright blasphemous in some regard - at least according to the bible of common sense. But even despite the many minds these holidays would blow, they might not be far from fruition. Maybe this Obama thing will work out for the best after all. Indeed, the surgical twist of reality this country needs right now, a proverbial Botox injection in the ass of America, if you will.

And my reasoning is this…After studying the various conseqences and implications of this dubious holiday, one glaringly absurd element continued to bemuse me. That one thing is this: I am already the one who cooks dinner every fucking night as it is. Not her – me! What, she needs a night off from sitting on her ass, lotioning her legs and watching Shear Genius?

Such concepts verge on appalling. And that’s what bewilders the mind, that The Early Show hosts all find the idea so silly and amusing…those people are on drugs. Or maybe they just need to look around and see it’s not the freaking 1950s anymore. Not even the 1970s, for crying out loud.

It’s 2008 and men enjoy cooking. I could cook eight out of every ten women out of a housewife job, so screw them if they truly believe this country is in need of a “National Men Cook Dinner Day.”

But I digress. No sense in becoming upset here. I will simply launch my own ridiculous holiday. Gonna start it today. Should be showing up on 2010 calendars, if not 2009.

“Hey, honey, did you know it’s National Rub Your Man’s Feet and Fix Him a Goddamn Sandwich Day? Yeah, weird shit, right? I saw it on The Early Show. I’m stoked beyond belief! See you right after work, ok. Bring the salami, cheese, and lotion, because today is my special day.”

Man has cooked for some time.

Message to Obama: Get Harry Reid Under Control

Considering the News…

The President-Elect probably hasn’t even shaved since winning the election, but it’s imperative Barack Obama gets Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, to put his fiery balls in a bucket of ice water before he singlehandedly undermines Obama’s “new way of politics.”

Reports indicate Reid’s closed-door meeting yesterday with Democratic disgrace, Sen. Joe Lieberman, played out more like a belligerent back-alley brawl than a civilized meeting between well-known congressmen. Pissed off about Joe’s unbridled support of John McCain, Reid is contemplating stripping the independent senator of his chairman duties for the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

The Democrats are less than 72 hours removed from winning the White House and increasing leads in both the House and Senate, yet Reid already aims to take a steamy, bubbly piss all over that whole “reach across the aisle” bull shit that inspired his party’s entire campaign.

Not a wise move, Reid. Not very wise at all. Dismissing Lieberman for strictly political purposes sends the message that you and your entire party are backsliding power-mongers just like your opposition. And the American citizenry proved on Tuesday that they pay attention to that kind of thing.

Bush and Obama put Presidency above Politics – Frighten the Children

Considering the News…

Barack Obama’s first trip to the White House as President-Elect is big news. Not really, but at least the mainstream media thinks so. It’s a swell photo opportunity for capturing worthless pictures of Presidents No. 43 and 44 waving, both grinning like bastards while sharing jokes (unfunny to the rest of mankind) about how cool it is possessing powers the rest of the air-breathing world will never know (like tapping Kim Kardashian’s cell phone to see what kind of naughty things her and Reggie Bush talk about…My guess? Her huge donkey ass, but never mind that).

Obama and Bush smile as they consider just how much they really hate each other.

Most of their Oval Office visit will be comprised of mindless nonsense, as Bush offers Obama a few unsolicited words of advice, all the while biting his tongue and suppressing the urge to leap over his desk and rip Obama’s freaking throat out for dragging his name through the mud everyday of the last two years. Conversely, Obama will brandish that 70-tooth smile, fending off the mounting need for doubling over in laughter as Bush spews his bullshit about “what it takes to be a great president.”

As if you know, Obama will think. But what can he say? It’s all trivial posturing for the sole purpose of convincing the drunken, maladroit androids of the country that politicking is a necessary evil, however, in the end we all love each other like dogs in heat and need to get along. After all, it’s not a red America and a blue America, but a country that loves football and hates terrorists. So lets all get hosed and roast a jihad or two…maybe even bring a tournament to college football before the year 2020. Whatever.

And Michelle and Laura will do their own little tea-slurping ditty, and Entertainment Tonight will feature some 30-second bit about the current First Lady suggesting the Obama’s get a terrier or some shit like that. No one will remember three days from now, but it’s good filler today.

The travesty of it all is that the MSM dropped the ball on the main story here. With so much focus on Presidents shmoozing and First Ladies cooing, non-existent was the coverage of what terrifying and haunting things must be rattling the minds of young Malia and Sasha Obama. After two consecutive years of hearing George W. Bush is the goddamn devil, how could these girls step foot in his house without fearing some ill fate, like jagged blades or raging flames disfiguring their bodies permanently?

I have no clue how these brave young women did it. I just know I wouldn’t have been able to. Not a chance in hell.

Wii and Guitar Hero Running Low – Sweater Industry Booms – Cheetah Girl Saves the Day

Considering the News…

I’m making a bold prediction right now – this will be the worst Christmas in the history of man. Indeed, this holiday season is going to be one jock-thrashing disappointment after another, as a piss-poor economy means half as many gifts under the tree, perhaps even less than that. (Note: for those households not fortunate enough to have any gifts in previous years, expect the status quo).

For the rest of you, brace yourselves for the worst. By “worst” I naturally mean an abundance of sweaters, socks, and white tee-shirts. Expect unexplainable and obviously pre-owned gifts, like deformed picture frames, full-grown plants, half-dead plants, deodorant featuring random hairs, gift certificates to restaurants defunct since 2002, Pezz dispensers with the Pezz already in it, and windshield scrapers with half the brush bristles already frayed.

What grand gifts await you this Christmas?

It’s going to be that brutal. Many will wish for February before the college football bowl season is even half over. Some might even pretend Christmas just isn’t coming this year. Many children will be confused, having previously believed the shitload of sweet gifts was an every year affair. Well, I got news for the no-good spoiled brats of the world – it’s not. When good-paying jobs are going out of style, cutting the fat is the only way to get by.

For those privileged few who believe devastation awaits everyone but you this December, here’s a little needle to sit your fat ass on. That Guitar Hero: World Tour you’re planning on rocking out to in your closed-foot jammies? It’s sold out, fucker.

Or that Wii Fitness you assumed would help carve that lumpy and bloated figure back down to your old fighting weight? There’s a better chance one of the Cheetah Girls takes pictures of her sweet, naked rump, uploads them on her computer, proceeds to leave that computer in an airport, the computer is found, then infiltrated, and the result is the pictures coming to the Internet for the enjoyment of every heterosexual male with five minutes and Wi-Fi.

Hmm. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will find its way into the lives of the lucky few with the audacity to believe. This might not be such a disastrous holiday season after all.

Obama Family Secret Service Names Revealed – Reno Raines Has Beef

Considering the News…

Reno Raines can’t be happy these days. One thing’s for sure, his life will never be the same. Now that the next First Family’s Secret Service names are public, Raines sadly becomes just the second most famous “Renegade” on the planet.

In perhaps one of the more dubious news stories of the year, we learned today that President-Elect, Barack Obama, has assumed the rebel alias as his codename. There’s no reports indicating the name is a cunning jab at his republican rival in the election, The Maverick McCain, but it would be more amusing if such later proved to be true.

And daddy Barry isn’t alone, as the entire Obama pack now has ostentatious code names – Michelle (Renaissance…I’m serious), Malia (Radiance…alright, give ‘em that), and Sasha (Rosebud…I know, I know.) It’s uncertain why they all took on R-words for names, but I’m sure there’s some excessively intellectual reasoning behind it.

What we can confirm is Reno Raines is a lame duck Renegade.

Alright, it was a terrible show, but you know you watched at least 14 episodes on USA between the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. back in 1996.

Not that he can be entirely pissed off about it…the man had a damn good run. From the show’s debut on September 17, 1992 until about 12 or so hours ago, Raines took full advantage of that name. In fact, few have probably ever gotten more tail out of a Hollywood moniker.

The quasi-bad ass, long-haired cop – framed for the murder of his wife, a murder the poor fool didn’t commit – made his name by patrolling the streets as a contracted bounty hunter (It’s strongly believed that Dog the Bounty Hunter blatantly ripped off his entire life from the show).

Having teamed up with the comedic Native American known as Bobby Sixkiller (fourth coolest name in television history behind B.A. Baracus, Cozmo Kramer and Optimus Prime…one spot before Angus MacGyver), the two kicked mad ass every day, before calling it a night to hit the town and beat some mad ass.

And now it’s gone. The inherent glory of being the star of a show syndicated in 100 countries is all flushed down the shit bowl on account of Barack “Renegade” Obama. But I’m sure Reno Raines would want it this way. Why, if he’s anything like his protege Dog the Bounty Hunter then I’m sure he embraces the idea of Obama in office….

Victoria’s Secret Bras Mutilate Breasts – No Bra Look to Return

Considering the News…

At one time or another everyone has been mentally scarred by images of the 1960s feminist hippie fashion rebellion, namely the unabashed bra-less look that insulted man’s imagination the country over. Certain staples of the era will never be forgotten; melodies and visions of reckless jubilation seared permanently into the senses.

There was the free-flowing music, the psychedelic drugs, the unbridled locks of hair…and millions upon millions of pointy nipples challenging the barriers of flimsy fabrics. At times, there was no fabric whatsoever – just millions of pointy nipples.

Is this what you want, America?

But we progressed as a society, eventually arriving at point in the 1990s when lift bras gave every woman (ok, many women) the seductive boost of long-forgotten Greek goddesses. Women and men everywhere rejoiced, as it seemed fashion, comfort and lust had finally arrived at that distant apex of visual sensation. And times were damn good for all of us.

However, recent negligence by America’s favorite bra-maker – Victoria’s Secret – risks erasing decades of work. A class action lawsuit has been filed against the sex tease conglomerate, and the looming implications are dire. Apparently the latest lines have been causing rashes, hives, scars, and even welts on the bosoms of society, and the country’s women are answering with vigor.

Which, of course, spells imminent doom for the curious and admiring gentlemen of the world. Today it’s a class action lawsuit, tomorrow it’s a complete rejection of the technology altogether. We could be facing a savage return to the past, to a time dominated by drooping flesh and vulgar fabric penetration.

Indeed, it’s a sad day. Hopefully Victoria’s Secret gets its shit together and fixes the glitches. Rebellion would lead to misery. Salvation is in their hands. If not for the comfort of our women, then at least for the sake of our treasured catalogues. Only time will tell.

Call up your congressmen and congresswomen - there's too much at stake.

Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…

The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.

Palin has spent the past week doing one media interview after another, refusing to freely say what everyone already knows is coming, “Heck ya I’m running in two thousand and twelve – you betcha!” Which is fine by me. She can parade the Wasilla Five (Six including Todd) around the country all she wants, but claiming God as a political adviser has passed the point of disturbing.

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in a Fox News interview. “And if there is an open door in ‘12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

(Note: That is a verbatim Palin quote – no comedic alterations needed.)

Anyhow, I cannot claim to comprehend the ways of the Almighty Power, but some assumptions – no matter how unusual – can be easily made.

1. God didn’t give you that Academy Award, so quit crying, quit thanking him, and give some props to the 400 people who grinded out 100-hour weeks for 3 months to make sure your untalented ass could claim such a prize.

2. God simply grants unexplainable breaks to some sports teams and not others, but there’s no reasoning behind it…otherwise the Cubs, Clippers, and Cardinals (NFL) would have caught one or two over the last grueling century.

3. God is present in more prison cells than confession booths. Don’t believe me? Then consider how many inmates have found Jesus and how many priests have found the zipper on little Timmy’s Wrangler Jeans.

4. God doesn’t need the repeated shout-outs when you’re grinding in the love sack. He knows what you’re doing. He knows exactly what you’re doing. And if it isn’t strictly for reproductive purposes, or if it in anyway involves the phrase “Hey, I picked up this KY the other day, let’s try something new,” then you likely won’t be seeing Him in the after life.

5. God plays little to no role in Presidential elections. He’s already afforded the majority of American citizens the gift of rational thought, therefore, His main role is mostly as an amused spectator.

So sorry, Sarah, that door you keep referring to is already slammed shut. And if you don’t believe me, then perhaps you should concede already and let Todd breakout that KY he picked up a few weeks back. Then you’ll see.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

KKK is still kicking…Now run by morons

Considering the News…

Not many endearing things can be said about the Ku Klux Klan. Few compliments can be paid. Those sheets always seem to be cleaner and brighter than most gracing the beds of America, but other than that we fall severely short on positive material.

Yet despite the horrific and despicable acts of this idiotic group of kooks, spooks, and yahoos, history still acknowledges the fact it was founded, and for many decades run, by some considerably intelligent, educated and influential individuals. These bigoted bastards obviously never used that intelligence for the good of mankind, but it’s historically inaccurate to classify them as sheer morons. Racists and Lindsay Lohan human beings, maybe, but by no means morons.

Lohan is no fan of

Such no longer appears to be the case, however, as there’s news out of New Orleans that a small KKK posse lured an Oklahoma woman down by way of the Internet. The goal? Initiate her with a hodgepodge of sacred rites (probably dripping cow’s blood and pig urine on her head while running in circles “Booooing” and “Hooooing” like Matthew McConaughey on acid with a bongo drum near by).

So, in other words, just your basic KKK meeting – which I have always imagined to be some creepy hybrid scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and a Tide with bleach commercial.

But things went wrong. Terribly wrong. The woman tried to flee and the Klansmen (and two Klanswomen, I might note) made sure that never happened. After leaving the body on an old dirt road, the members tried to burn the woman’s possessions and any evidence right there at their beloved camp site, with signs and patches reading “KKK Life Member” everywhere for the sane eye to see.

Hmm…Really? Right there at your spooky little camp site? The camp site everyone in town knows you and your friends dress up and cook smores at every weekend?

“The IQ level of this group is not impressive, to be kind,” St. Tammany Parish Sheriff Jack Strain said.

And he’s right. The KKK is just as bigoted and racist as ever, unfortunately recruiting efforts haven’t landed many intelligent folks as of late. Talent levels are low…And I’m pretty sure George Wallace would be pissed off about that.

George Wallace: Alabama Governor by day, KKK scalawag by night.

Move over Mario – It’s Super Obama World

Considering the News…

George W Bush isn’t the only one losing his spot atop the pedestal. Nor is Joe Wurzelbacher the only plumber Barack Obama has fucked over lately - now even Super Mario is out of a damn job. Obama’s just that big these days.

In celebration of his monumental election victory, SUPER OBAMA WORLD has been created to slash worker productivity rates worldwide. The free online game pits Obama against lobbyists, lipstick-wearing pit bulls, and, of course, the evil Sarah Palin, in a world highly reminiscent of Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.

What a kickass idea for a game! Those company reports just got thrown on the backburner. I’m Baracking the fuck out for the rest of the day.

Sorry, boss. Sorry, Mario.

Play Super Obama World……

Later, Mario!

George W Bush admits mistakes – Seems remotely human

Considering the News…

It’s not like you can hate the guy forever. You know, that George W Bush guy.

Sure he’s seemed to fumble one thing after another, to the point he’s become somewhat of a living symbol of Freud’s definition of insanity.

Sure he’s pissed you off at least once a week, every week, for the last 8 freaking years.

Sure he took a scorching dump on several American civil liberties, invading our privacy and striving hard to make the ominous Big Brother of 1984 a living reality here in the grandest of so-called free societies.

And sure he spearheaded ungodly tax cuts which ultimately padded the pockets of fat cats at the expense of the common – dare I say Joe Six Pack – citizens.

But shucks, looking at it now – with the silly bastard packing his Presidential bags – he might not be so evil after all.

Judging by Bush’s interview with CNN aboard the U.S.S. Intrepid in New York after a Veterans Day ceremony, perhaps Georgie does, in fact, have a conscience. All those times you asked yourself or your friends or some random bystander on the streets, “Does the guy even realize how bad he’s fucking up the country? Does he understand the least bit?” It seems the answer – to a mild extent – is probably “Yes.”

Bush finally cut the bullshit, benched the facade, and admitted to causing a few blunders. He might not have broken down completely, categorizing his presidency as an utter disaster, and there were no tears, unfortunately…but this will have to do for now.  We’ll leave the rest to the history books.

Good News: Christian Slater is Alive…Bad News: Still Can’t Act

Considering the News…

There’s really good news out of Hollywood – Christian Slater is alive. I know, right, seems like he’s been dead for years.

He’s exactly the kind of Hollywood figure you randomly think of – usually while you’re either stuck in traffic or doing bathroom office dirty work - and say, “Hey, I wonder what happened to that douche…think I remember hearing something about him OD-ing back in ‘96.”

Nope. Christian Slater is alive, healthy, and probably still rich from his killer run in the 80s; however, unfortunately he still can’t act worth a shit. In light of this fact, NBC has elected to can his horrible show about an assassin or secret agent or someone cooler and sneakier than America could ever believe Slater to be.

No matter what his character supposedly did for a living this much is certain - no one cared to tune in long enough to find out. Oh well, I’m sure in the future Slater will rise from the dead yet again, failing to impress anyone with his acting abilities. Can’t wait.

Even Slater often wonders why he sucks so much...

Mystery Solved: How Bleach Kills Germs…Seriously

Considering the News…

After 200 years of scratching their heads, scientists have finally solved one of the great mysteries – how bleach kills germs. That’s right. Finally we can get some sleep around here.

A team from the University of Michigan has spent years grappling with the issue, but victory is now theirs. We don’t have any word, as of yet, what problem the team of obviously intriguing characters will tackle next, but my guess is it will have something to do with the existence of God, or perhaps why men are so damn infatuated with breasts.

In somewhat related news, scientists believe drinking bleach is unsafe, especially for young children…cancer still kills…and life is a bitch.

Kanye West arrested in England…Still a Douche

Considering the News…

Famous rapper and perpetual nuisance, Kanye West, was arrested outside an England night club for getting rowdy with his fella’s. Apparently West wasn’t charged with anything, but it is believed one of the officers on the scene accused him of being the world’s biggest douchebag.

This comes in the wake of West’s comments that he is the “voice of his generation” and that Justin Timberlake could have easily claimed the crown if he weren’t so damn busy vacationing with ugly chicks. As a member of this so-called “generation,” it is quite unnerving to know that Kanye is my voice. Actually, it really sucks and I am aggressively seeking new generations to become a part of.

Just “wait ’til I get my money right,” as my voice would say.

Mark Cuban charged for insider trading…Idiot stock rises

Considering the News…

Mark Cuban is many things – owner of the Dallas Mavericks, a billionaire, a balding wannabe playboy, and a hopeless dillweed, but now he can even tack “outed white collar crook” to that list.

The SEC has filed a civil lawsuit against Cuban, accusing the friendless rogue of insider trading. Martha Stewart all over again, as apparently Cuban received some good info on a going-nowhere search engine company named Mamma.com back in 2004.

After swearing to conceal all knowledge regarding the worst-named company of all time, Cuban - to his credit – kept it on the hush for a whopping 8 minutes, when he called up his broker and yelled “SELL!” on his $750,000 in stock.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

The unabashed scrub-monger who wastes millions each year on the overpriced salaries of washed up hacks was actually worried about losing a few hundred G’s on a stock. Wow. Now he faces SEC charges and potential jail time because of it, leaving us to conclude one thing – his stock in idiocy is recession-proof. Buy now!  

On a related note, perhaps Cuban should have sought a little insider information on that Devin Harris for Jason Kidd trade, because that was a stupid investment if ever there was one.

16-year-old Schoolgirl to become first Japanese female professional baseball player

Considering the News…

I read this headline half a dozen times before actually clicking through. My initial thoughts were, “Oh, those Japanese and their silly marketing tactics. What will they think up next?”

But then it occurred to me that there might be something more to the story, some freakish angle that no curious mind should neglect to enjoy. I began wondering, “What if this one’s like 6-6, 250 and throws in the upper 90s, the product of some bizarre Japanese genetics tests that could someday lead to the first 10-foot-tall, 1,000-pound man…I’d be a fool to pass up a good read like that!”

So I finally clicked through and read about a 5-foot, 114-pound knuckleballer drafted by the newly created Independent League set to launch next April. Indeed, the exact kind of trivial fluff I rightly assumed awaited me, and many thousands of other curious folks, behind the tantalizing headline.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a silly Japanese marketing tactic!

Those fucking Japanese and their silly marketing tactics…sure fooled me.

President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.

Lance Armstrong fears attack – French people still crazy

Considering the News…

Word on the bike trail is the French are going to unleash the fury on Lance Armstrong next summer, when the 7-time Tour de France champion emerges from retirement in a quest for yet another title.

Armstrong has expressed his fear of being brutalized by a pack of crazed frogs, who he evidently  believes are all foaming at the mouth, eager to get a lick or two on him. Armstrong falsely imagines that the French, who hate all Americans, hate him the most on account of his dominance in their silly, shitty little race.

This story naturally means two things…

1) The French are in serious need of a new passion. When only wine and bicycling get you out of bed in the morning, one should consider grabbing a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Xanax, and a .44 Magnum. A memorable afternoon surely awaits any man or woman (even the French) brandishing those mind-blowing items.

2) Lance Armstrong is crazy as shit. This paranoid and newly inspired version of Armstrong should not be allowed in or on anything that moves faster than 6 mph. Not until his sanity returns and the illusions of 700-pound vultures chasing him through the desert disappear. His mind is moving much too fast these days. And going to France again cannot be the answer.

Would a sane man agree to this?

Secret Palin doodles illustrate her confused nature – Charles Manson prevails

Considering the News…

The recent discovery of Sarah Palin’s secret doodles, drawn during her time on the Wasilla City Council in 1996, clearly illustrate the confusion that has forever plagued this woman’s mind. This doodle was originally sketched by the Alaskan artist to adequately exhibit her qualifications for public office. This serves as evidence that those reasons were just as confusing and chaotic then as they are now.

 

Here, by contrast, is a doodle done by President Warren G. Harding, one of the country’s biggest political travesties. While the artist doesn’t offer us much substance, we cannot easily dismiss the clarity and depth of his vision. That vision is evidently of throwing a handful of shit against a brick wall…Well, a first-year art student would be satisfied with this art deco effort nonetheless.

 

 

And lastly we have this doodle done by Charles Manson while awaiting trial for his heinous crimes. Observers must appreciate the self-image he projected - the duality of man, if you will. Alright, alright, we’re stretching it here. But it somehow seemed oddly fitting for these three pieces to come together as a definitive statement on the doodles offered to us by some of America’s most disappointing citizens.