McCain’s October Surprise…A Bristol Palin Wedding

Corrupting the News…
John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.
Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.
With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all [...]

McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.
Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading [...]

McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…
Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.
As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim [...]

McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”
Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.
While [...]

Palin meets with world leaders…now ready for presidency

It’s official – Sarah Palin is now ready for the world stage.
No more questions of experience. No more Wasilla bashing. No more forecasts of looming disaster should McCain’s heart forfeit the fight.
Palin has finally bolstered her foreign policy credentials (continental cred, for you slang talkers) by meeting with a slew of world leaders at the [...]

Clinton supporters go agnostic…Obama goes crazy

For the record, don’t fuck with Hillary Clinton supporters. They’re tough folks. More brutal than a 3-inch heel in the groin.
Even Barack Obama has realized as much.
It’s not that he doesn’t want/need their support – he’s just scared shitless of them. To the point it’s looking increasingly like he has a better chance of recruiting [...]

McCain camp supports freedom of press…kind of…

John McCain is a true American. A stalwart patriot. An admirable senator. A respectable man. A former POW. At times of convenience, he’s even a god-fearing Christian.
He is a lot of things. A lot of nouns and adjectives are readily employed to describe him, his track record, his wives, his many homes.
But it appears John [...]

Palin draws record crowds…aims to whoo Bono

Corrupting the News…Sarah Palin appeared before record crowds in Florida over the weekend, as she continues boosting her celebrity status by trumpeting McCain’s agenda with a straight face.
A storm of hip-failing retirees – by some estimates 80-90 percent of Florida’s documented population – endured near triple digit temperatures to catch a glimpse of the conservative [...]

Watching football with Barack – McCain packs his bags

John McCain is in some serious shit.
His chances at the White House are fading faster than Elizabeth Taylor’s sense of reality. Even Palin’s questioning the dire outlook, wishing she wouldn’t have muted Desperate Housewives to pick up the phone and accept the invitation onto the Sidestepping Express.
The Associated Press released a poll today that likely [...]

Palin proves VP worth…she’s slimy as Cheney

Sarah Palin might be president soon. Looks more and more like she would fit right in.
If McCain defies all common logic and limps into the White House, and then proceeds to fall on the low side of the established over-under on his life – 36 months seems the general assumption – Madame Palin has a [...]

Hackers Seize Palin’s Email and Obama’s Fantasy Football

Corrupting the News…A slew of privacy invasions has all of Washington on edge. Nobody appears to be safe.
First it was access to Sarah Palin’s email account the hackers seized.
Then it was Barack Obama’s fantasy football team they jostled.
Rumors are now swirling that John McCain’s Facebook profile was sabotaged.
It’s all just gone too damn far.
The inexcusable [...]

Michelle Obama Sets Standards…Sarah Palin Plans to Strip

Corrupting the News…With Michelle Obama receiving invaluable coverage in the upcoming People’s “Top 10 Best & Worst Dressed” issue, the McCain camp is scurrying like rabid dogs to highlight Sarah Palin’s scintillating fashion sense.
Barack’s self-proclaimed “better half” joined widely-despised Hollywood skanks Fergie, Eva Mendez and Sarah Jessica Parker as this year’s posse of well-pampered charlatans. [...]

Obama the Christian…McCain the Rebel

Prepare for some savage road rage. Obama’s officially out for blood. He’s harvesting plans for a massive base expansion. And he’s gunning for Christians. Go figure.
Having watched McCain hijack his change wagon to Washington by strapping a provocative sophomore coed named Sarah Palin in the passenger seat, Obama is now hell-bent on nudging his adversary’s [...]

McCain and Obama now seek CEO position

Corrupting the News…Amidst allegations that none of the presidential or vice presidential candidates boast enough experience to handle CEO duties at a major corporation, truth squads for both camps released background information that suggests just the opposite.
The egregious statements made by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, came as a shock to both candidates, especially [...]

Obama: Inventor of Porn and Nintendo Wii

Corrupting the News…John McCain’s recent revelation that he invented the Blackberry prompted a swift rebuttal from the Obama campaign, fearing the magnanimous claim might sway technologically savvy voters toward the republican nominee.
Obama spokeswoman Veronica Pooch said while the Blackberry is a fine wireless tool, its screen is prone to freezing and often fails to send [...]

McCain & Obama Stole My Television

The television doesn’t work like it used to. Like it did even just the other day. Not that it’s broken or damaged in any irreparable way, but its performance has been questionable at best.
Images of Barack Obama and John McCain have been burned into the screen. Their faces haunt me now at all hours. I [...]

McCain v The McRib

Corrupting the News…
‘Hear ye, Hear ye – the McRib hath returned!’
This proclamation has saturated recent headlines, as 50s of millions of Americans disregard staggering gas prices and SUV over to the nearest McDonalds in celebration of the 38th (121st, according to some reports) return of the paramount union of barbequed quasi-pork and slightly accelerated food [...]

The Weird and the Witchcraft

Witchcraft is alive and well in Congo. It’s not a good sign for any of us. These kinds of things have a tendency to transcend unintended borders. Like the Avian Bird Flu. And Communism. And Terrorism. And Amy Winehouse.
This latest scare is among the most disturbing things I’ve read about in some time. It was [...]

Tanning in the Sweet Alaskan Sun

As if she needed another blemish on her soft, milky, I’m just like you, complexion, Sarah Palin now faces the egregious charges that one of her first acts as Alaska’s Governor was to install a deluxe ass-frying tanning bed in the governor’s mansion.
This one might be tough to shake. Could stick around for good. Like [...]

The Truth Be Damned

John McCain’s pants are going up in smoke faster than Wall Street, and Lord Obama wants the nation to evacuate.
The Obama campaign just released its latest rebuttal to McCain’s “sleazy” tactics, a television ad questioning what happened to McCain’s heart of gold. Ah, the expediency of politics has extinguished Mac’s conscience, and now his team [...]

Obama the Prodigal Child, McCain the Usurper

The Serious…Lord Barack is on pace to scorch the record books yet again. The greenbacks are rolling in faster than the tides, and sticking it to public campaign financing now seems a better move than the Packers shipping Favre to Time Square.
55 million in February. 66 million this month. What’s up with the multiples of [...]