McCain’s October Surprise…A Bristol Palin Wedding

Corrupting the News…

John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.

Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.

With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all coming together at the perfect time. Sarah Palin’s about as popular as Michael Richards, thus McCain and Co. are desperately trying to plunge all this shit down the clogged pipes of American media.

This is the headline-grabber they need right now. No talk of Troopergate or Moose hunting or appearing less competent than Katie Couric.

Bristol’s getting married and it’s gonna be the wildest gun-slinging shindig Alaska’s ever seen. The biggest public wedding since Charles and Diana…since the second season of The Bachelor…or the fourth season of The Bachelorette…or just about any season of The Flavor of Love…

Needing to shore up support amongst middle-aged women, they’re throwing out the irresistible Bon Bon, the one event all women froth over. Middle-aged women love weddings like they love Regis, like they love slot machines and lavender candles.

They don’t care who or where or when. Just want to see that passion, that kiss. Want to feel love in the air. They yearn to be in the presence of a connection greater than any they themselves have ever been part of.

And a Bristol Palin wedding promises to be the tear-jerker of the fall season. Grey’s Anatomy producers are pissed off right now. So too the entire Lifetime writing staff.

This will be unmatchable, and the McCain camp is elated.

Bristol turns 18 on October 18th, and they’re dragging that poor, horny fuck, Levi Johnston down the aisle with her the next week.

Doesn’t matter if Sarah has to force him at gunpoint. This wedding’s happening. No doubt about it.

Every magazine’s cover photo. Every news program’s lead story. Every entertainment smut program’s lead story. Every punchline of every joke on every talk show. The publicity will be priceless and endless.

The president and McCain trading jokes under their breath in the front row…Obama’s got hope and change and 50 million in the bank, but we got Bristol and the election – God bless America!!!

Rush Limbaugh chewing pills in the restroom. Ann Coulter banging one of the groomsmen in the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot. Cindi and Sarah drunk and singing “Loving You is Easy” on the karaoke machine.

What a goddamn party. What an election. What a depressingly ignorant country if this ends up saving a campaign.

McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…

Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.

As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.

“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”

Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.

“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”

Fair enough.

McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.

He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.

“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”

And thank god.

John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.

He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.

Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.

“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.

“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”

Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.

McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ’99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

Palin meets with world leaders…now ready for presidency

It’s official – Sarah Palin is now ready for the world stage.

No more questions of experience. No more Wasilla bashing. No more forecasts of looming disaster should McCain’s heart forfeit the fight.

Palin has finally bolstered her foreign policy credentials (continental cred, for you slang talkers) by meeting with a slew of world leaders at the U.N. General Assembly in New York City today. Thus she is now armed and ready for any shit the world slings onto America’s windshield.

All the big names are there…Afghani President Hamid Karzai…Columbia’s Alvaro Uribe…former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger…U2 front man Bono…New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner (or was it Hank?).

Indeed, shaking hands with foreign leaders is the ideal international icebreaker for rookies, especially one as raw as Palin, whose passport was issued just two years ago – no time for traveling overseas…but what about that layover in Ireland?

For Palin, it will be a crash course in foreign diplomacy, or “maverick gunslinging” as Mac calls it. While the ticket leader meets with big shots from Georgia, Ukraine, and India, Palin will likely be seeking out Russian officials, any Russian officials, to tell them about the exquisite view she’s had of their country these past years. Maybe talk hunting, fishing, drilling, etc.

How valuable it all will be. Now she can look Charlie Gibson in the eye, without the peculiar twitch, and say, “Hell yeah, Charlie, I’ve met with world leaders. What’s it to you?”

Which is a good thing. For despite Palin’s misguided guess on national television, every vice presidential candidate of the past 30 years had previously met with at least one freaking foreign leader prior to running.

“I have not and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you,” Palin said. “But, Charlie, again, we’ve got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunities to meet heads of state.“

Now even this doesn’t sound nearly as ridiculous. The bulldog is bona fide. Ready to brawl.

And it couldn’t have come at a better time for the McCain-Palin camp. Her stock was plummeting and here’s the bailout…A chance for a few photo ops…An opportunity to appear presidential…A possibility of meeting Bill Clinton – weee doggies…And best of all, a chance for the entire world to get a taste of this Alaskan cream pie.

But although Mac and company are understandably excited about the advantageous implications, they should be equally leery of the potential for a backyard bloodbath of the worst kind.

Yes, this political ploy can backfire worse than stealing box seats at a Yankees game, where the whole crowd laughs and taunts your ass as the security guards whisk a fraud to the exit.

Barack Obama survived his staged world tour production relatively unscathed. He spoke before thunderous crowds thousands of adoring fans. Met with a few foreign leaders. Played hoops with the troops. Said all sorts of fancy and worldly things. But the lasting image will forever be of him standing before that maniacal Woodstock crowd in Berlin. That’s it. The fading memory is that the world loves that fucking Obama.

Palin won’t be nearly as privileged. She’s only meeting with people boasting international presence. One photo of her shaking hands with a president wearing a “Who is this sexy dame?” look and it’s over. It will be the Clinton-Lewinsky hug shot. Gary Hart and his whore on Monkey Business shot.

It will be game, set, match for the Obama camp.

McCain better hope Palin smiles, acts strong and composed, and doesn’t unintentionally turn anyone on…it could turn the whole country off quickly.

Clinton supporters go agnostic…Obama goes crazy

For the record, don’t fuck with Hillary Clinton supporters. They’re tough folks. More brutal than a 3-inch heel in the groin.

Even Barack Obama has realized as much.

It’s not that he doesn’t want/need their support – he’s just scared shitless of them. To the point it’s looking increasingly like he has a better chance of recruiting three-quarters of Joel Osteen’s followers than he does one-half of Hillary’s.

It’s ridiculous. Farcical. Doesn’t make any damn sense. But that’s politics.

People are stubborn. Set in their ways. They eat vanilla because they like vanilla. No need for chocolate. No need for strawberries. No need for change. No new positions just because the kids are off at your mother’s.

And thus Barack has made NO headway on Clintonites since she packed in the season and conceded. None. None? How’s that freaking possible?

58 percent of Hillary supporters said they would back Barack in June.

58 percent of Hillary supporters say they will back Barack today.

Yet McCain’s support amongst Hillarians has climbed to 28 percent from 21 in that same time frame.

What in god’s name gives here?

Are they really that pissed off? Are they still clinging to cries of “sexism” and “misogyny” like small-town hicks cling to guns and religion? Is it really a black-white thing? Has the whole political universe gone crazy!

Unfortunately, it appears so. Hillarians agree with Barack on Iraq, abortion, eliminating tax cuts to the ostentatious swine on Wall Street and the oil barons in Texas – they just don’t agree with Barack.

They don’t like him. Don’t trust him. Don’t think he’s experienced…They think he’s a fraud.

And they’re willing to risk the whole election on this childish grudge. Third graders do this shit, not suffering Americans in desperate need of an alternative direction. Never mind the country’s economy and global standing sinking faster than a turd in an empty bucket…that bastard stole the election from us, so we’re going to snatch it from him!

That’s what going on here. That’s the skinny in a fucking nutshell. You can take that charge to the bank and stamp it with red lipstick and fit it for a dress suit.

And I have no qualms with it. Screw it. I might even enjoy it in some sick and sadistic way.

When McCain’s getting his jaw re-adjusted because the thing snapped as he laughed his ass off into the White House, I’ll call every Hillary supporter I know and say: You see what the hell you’ve done. Do you see what the hell you’ve done? There stick your nose in it. Stick your nose in it!

Tails between legs for four more years. Hell, they might as well give ‘em eight. Lord knows Democrats don’t want the stinking White House back. Not when they’re too busy organizing “All Girls” and “All Boys” clubs in their tree houses.

Somewhere McCain is smiling. Somewhere Palin is getting fitted for a new line of vice-presidential dresses. Somewhere Hillary Clinton is stumping for Barack Obama, thinking that 2012 really isn’t that far away.

McCain camp supports freedom of press…kind of…

John McCain is a true American. A stalwart patriot. An admirable senator. A respectable man. A former POW. At times of convenience, he’s even a god-fearing Christian.

He is a lot of things. A lot of nouns and adjectives are readily employed to describe him, his track record, his wives, his many homes.

But it appears John McCain’s campaign is crapping on the United States Constitution – namely that blasted First Amendment that has spawned raging hemorrhoids in the anuses of tens of thousands of politicians and government officials throughout the years.

McCain campaign architect and on-again-off-again McCain employee, Steve Schmidt, is on the offensive. He’s pissed off. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body is pissed off. And he’s gunning for the foremost beacon of American journalism – The New York Times.

“Whatever The New York Times once was, it is today not by any standard a journalistic organization,” Schmidt said. “It is a pro-Obama advocacy organization that every day impugns the McCain campaign, attacks Sen. McCain, attacks Gov. [Sarah] Palin.”

Schmidt also lambaste the Times for neglecting to ever sniff Obama’s sheets and exploit his shortcomings. However, the Times responded by citing 42 articles in which the newspaper had done just that in the past year.

Schmidt’s and McCain’s distaste for the Times isn’t a fresh revelation – the Times has been fucking up republicans’ weekends for decades – this just marks the latest installment of them crying foul on the Times to drum up political sympathy…political coinage.

McCain v Times has become Ali v Frazier shit…seems to happen all the time. But now it’s highly necessary. The White House depends on it.

Schmidt isn’t amplifying his negative opinions of the Times in hopes of merely diminishing the publication’s advertising revenue – something I’m sure he would drink 18 fingers of whiskey to – but to perpetuate the trite GOP technique of blaming liberal media to deflect attention from a fledgling campaign (or administration, in regards to those currently residing in the White House).

Little less than a month ago, the McCain camp was struggling to maintain. Gasping for breath. Praying for momentum. Wondering if anyone had paid the god damn power bill.

Then came the duchess of Wasilla. Indeed, the needed energy came in the form of an angelic and busty ass-thrasher named Sarah Palin.

But even her playboy shine couldn’t last forever. The world already proved Jenny McCarthy couldn’t act. It was only a matter of time until Palin stopped getting call-backs as well.

Now the McCain camp is fumbling the cumbersome task of protecting her from the venomous fangs of relentless news institutions. America’s curious minds. A task that’s nearly impossible, lest she be shackled up in a dark Alaskan cave until after the election……..hmm…….

The McCain campaign is scheming to achieve just that – win the election not on merits and qualifications, but an idea of an American woman, that if distorted would render the implosion of this already volatile campaign. If media cannot create a definitive depiction of Palin, then only a superficial, albeit beneficial, myth is on the ticket come November.

Dodging American media, no matter what your make of their political agenda, benefits no one outside the McCain campaign – the entire American society suffers.

But McCain-Palin should be wary. Reporters will find a story. If you won’t answer the questions, they will find someone who will. So rather than point fingers and accuse the Times of journalistic malpractice, why not step up to the podium and face the thousands of inquiries that will benefit the American people – even if it devastates the campaign. I would rather lose an election, than to……..

If McCain-Palin win the election on account of one scripted speech at the GOP National Convention, it will prove to be the darkest moment in American politics and media.

Yes, McCain and his camp are a lot of things. But are cowardice and conniving two of them?

Palin draws record crowds…aims to whoo Bono

Corrupting the News…Sarah Palin appeared before record crowds in Florida over the weekend, as she continues boosting her celebrity status by trumpeting McCain’s agenda with a straight face.

A storm of hip-failing retirees – by some estimates 80-90 percent of Florida’s documented population – endured near triple digit temperatures to catch a glimpse of the conservative hockey mom who is storming the country with a bible, 2500-dollar suits, and a “Red lipstick’s not just for whores” attitude.

To the dismay of McCain staffers, there were no heat-related injuries, deaths, falls or stains reported.

“It’s a god damn miracle we didn’t have any casualties,” said McCain Florida co-chairman, Scott Stalwart. “Like we always say, if you’re older than the temperature, maybe you shouldn’t be outside. That’s especially true when it’s 95 freaking degrees out there.”

Nearly one million retired Floridians unfolded lawn chairs, threw open sun umbrellas, lathered on chicken grease and canceled tee times, to hear Palin deliver an impassioned speech…written by a McCain speech writer the day before while Palin took her kids to Disney World.

“We wanted Sarah to say something fresh, because the hockey routine just isn’t resonating in Florida” said McCain speech writer, Chuck Fallery. “Other than golf, shuffleboard, yachting and plastic surgery, these folks don’t care about much else except money. So we had Sarah talk about just that – how the radically liberal Barack Obama’s gonna steal their money.”

Until they can bolster Palin’s confidence, the McCain camp has elected to resist non-staged questioning. However, one withered old man circumvented the system and brought his own loud speaker.

“Explain your extravagant budgets and tax hikes in Wasilla! You’re no Republican!“

Palin responded coyly by saying, “I was against that budget after I realized the political fallout it wrought.”

The crowd was littered with a litany of pro-Palin signs.

Palin for President……When I grow up, I want to be Sarah Palin…….When I have my surgeries, I’ll be Sarah Palin……..I have a dream – a wet one…….Unborn babies for Palin…….Helicopters and Shotguns for Palin……..Drill, Baby, Drill…….If duct tape don’t work, slap some lipstick on it………………

This was the first opportunity for Floridians to observe the vice presidential candidate in person, and she didn’t disappoint.

“Normally, I need pills for this kind of excitement,” said Thomas Clayborn, an 87-year-old from Tampa. “This was like a freebie, a freebie that proves there’s still quite a bit of blood in these veins.”

James Conway echoed these sentiments, saying his 91-year-old wife typically frowns on him admiring stage shows featuring this much “va-va-voom.”

“Sarah Palin strutted on stage, and I knew within 38 seconds that she had my vote,” Conway said. “If it doesn’t happen within 38 seconds, then it won’t happen. My wife, Linda, looked over at me and smiled. Sarah Palin in the White House will be great for our marriage.”

When asked if Palin would make any Florida campaign stops outside of retirement communities – generally republican strong holds – the McCain camp said there was a strong possibility.

“We would be extremely naive to believe we can carry Florida without the Hispanic vote,” said Stalwart. “Hispanic men between the ages of 18 and 65 have responded strongly to Sarah Palin. They like her message too.”

In a side story, Sarah Palin will meet with former great musician, Bono, this week. It is unknown what the two could possibly have to discuss, but insiders say Palin is a tremendous fan of his music and purple sunglasses.

“That one song, ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ has been playing non-stop on Sarah’s iPod since the 13 main subpoenaed witnesses baled on her ethics hearing last week,” said Palin personal music assistant, DJ Bulldog. “Plus, purple glasses hide the wrinkles around the eyes. She’s examining all beauty tips in a bipartisan manner.”

Change we can believe in.

Watching football with Barack – McCain packs his bags

John McCain is in some serious shit.

His chances at the White House are fading faster than Elizabeth Taylor’s sense of reality. Even Palin’s questioning the dire outlook, wishing she wouldn’t have muted Desperate Housewives to pick up the phone and accept the invitation onto the Sidestepping Express.

The Associated Press released a poll today that likely spells the end of yet another failed presidential run for Maverick Mac. Numbers seldom lie, not unless age, weight or infidelities are involved. And these numbers had to steal Mac’s breath like a piece of steak fat caught in the throat – More Americans would prefer catching a football game with Barack, a devastating statistic that analysts say is more representative of the electorate body than favorableness or confidence polls.

If someone can’t fathom spending an entire Saturday or Sunday afternoon with you watching pigskins fly, there’s not a chance in hell they will stomach voting you into office. Not when it means four, possibly eight, years of unexpected game interruptions so you can blather on about international crises, economic fallouts, and the like, while the Packers and Cowboys are duking it out in overtime.

No, not in this country. Not now. Not when football’s only competition for attention on the weekend is sex. Even that barely holds weight in a showdown with such a formidable opponent. The excitement and promise for rewards just isn’t there like it is on the gridiron.

Thus McCain better ignite the farewell tour. Shake hands with the folks who made ill-advised donations to the campaign. Apologize to the state of Alaska for dragging their beautiful state through the muck while their once-revered governor flashes her brutal scabs and bruises to the entire country…world.

Indeed, sitting next to Mac for an entire football game, let alone an entire day of games, would be nearly insufferable. The irrelevant comments. The contrived chuckles. The sporadic farts and burps. The continual flip-flopping through the game’s entirety, always rooting on the winning team. Eating all the god damn pretzels…not what this country needs right now.

Dirty Bill and W? The country would surely catch a game with either one of them. Put politics aside. Bring out the beers, let W chop the rails, and enjoy a clash of titans. Barack would fit right into the party. Him and W telling old stories like they were college roommates. Bill brings the ladies and James Carville taps the keg – enough said.

But McCain? No, the only thing worthwhile he would bring to the soiree is Sarah Palin. And she doesn’t even like football. She would suggest we turn on the Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Maple Leafs match. People would stare. Frightened stares.

And then collectively think – and we were this close to putting these people in the White House.

Palin proves VP worth…she’s slimy as Cheney

Sarah Palin might be president soon. Looks more and more like she would fit right in.

If McCain defies all common logic and limps into the White House, and then proceeds to fall on the low side of the established over-under on his life – 36 months seems the general assumption – Madame Palin has a tanning bed in the White House within weeks, if not days.

That’s a sanity-ravaging scenario that has half the country asking whether it’s too late for Obama to throw Biden to the hogs and stamp Oprah on the ticket. Hell, even Michael Phelps would energize the recently gloomy democratic base…lord knows he wouldn’t even have to speak, not even at the vice-presidential debate, but just smile and readjust his eight golden babies.

That’s right, Michael, we just want you to smile and play with the gold…smile and play with the gold.

But all fantasies aside, Palin has the third best chance to become president in this race, and her shady sidestepping in Troopergate indicates her views of executive power limits rival the disturbing misconceptions of the current administration.

Nobody has a fucking clue what’s going on up there. The whole state of Alaska is having a collective brain fart, and it’s stinking up the entire continent. Even Putin smells it across the Pacific.

Because just who is handling the investigation, what procedures should be taken in the investigation, and what parties talk and walk is still an epic mystery. The FBI might be summoned in the coming weeks. Maybe Columbo is brought out of retirement. Something has to give. The plots devolving into a crappy episode of Survivor - everyone knows somebody should be doing something, but who addresses which jobs is anyone’s clue.

Up yours if you think I’m carrying them buckets!

The McCain-Palin camp is exhibiting the same callous disdain for the constitution as Bush and his goons, resolving that those with power make the rules. When rules challenge the power, well, damn it! power’s gotta fight back with a new set of rules.

Thus instead of complying with the original committee, Palin initiated a new investigation – with her appointed members – an investigation she figures to leave with the same gruesome blue balls as the first team.

How does she even claim authority on organizing the committee charged with the task of investigating her possible abuse of power? If Eliot Spitzer orders strippers to his own birthday party, do attendees not feel the least bit uneasy about soliciting a back-room lap dance?

No one’s taking any chances. It’s a free for all up there. A game of Clue, yet everyone already knows it was Palin…in the governor’s office…with the executive ax.

Six percent of the Alaskan population is now Washington lawyers, as McCain sent in his wrecking crew to reinforce the demolition squad Palin already had in place. 13 subpoenaed witnesses have fled the state like escaped convicts, one of which is Palin’s dimwitted Levi’s Jean model husband, Tim, who can’t appear for questioning because she has the jewels in a vice and needs him on the next plane to Sandusky.

Needs him out of town? So he can stand behind her and make sure the telepromtor doesn’t malfunction? So he can assure her that her ass doesn’t look big when she wears the red dress? So he can protect her from McCain’s wandering, decrepit hands?

No, because sidestepping an investigation until November is the only option.

The election’s but a few weeks off. Liberal shock and bewilderment looming in the stagnant air of early November. Bottles of champagne being ordered to conservative headquarters.

Current poll numbers mean little. The McCain-Palin camp are ruthless schemers, much like the indignant flag-wavers in office right now. October – the month of surprises. The GOP doesn’t take chances, it wins (a subjective verb) elections.

Yes, America, McCain and Palin will bring change to Washington, change to the White House, change you can believe in…if you believe change is simply replacing two crooks with two new ones – plus tits, lipstick, and a better shot in the woods.

Hackers Seize Palin’s Email and Obama’s Fantasy Football

Corrupting the News…A slew of privacy invasions has all of Washington on edge. Nobody appears to be safe.

First it was access to Sarah Palin’s email account the hackers seized.

Then it was Barack Obama’s fantasy football team they jostled.

Rumors are now swirling that John McCain’s Facebook profile was sabotaged.

It’s all just gone too damn far.

The inexcusable trespasses began when some foul rogue cracked Palin’s password for her Yahoo! email account and uploaded several screen shots on the gossip Web sites Gawker and WIRED. Her personal ID was GovernorBulldog69. It appears her password was also GovernorBulldog69.

Yahoo! government relations director, Thomas Dupri, said this could have been easily avoided.

“We typically suggest our users employ a little common sense when creating passwords,” Dupri said. “I mean, Sarah Palin could have at least made the password ‘GovernorBulldog6969′ so it wasn’t exactly the freaking same. God damn unbelievable is what it is.”

Unfortunately for the public, the hackers didn’t reveal any juicy information. No secret files. No plots. No schemes. No photos of Sarah Palin tied up to the bed with lavender satin scarfs on Valentines Day back in 1999. Nothing.

“It’s really a shame that nothing worthwhile was released,” said popular culture critic, Clyde Foster. “They didn’t even give us a bloody bone here. What, we get Bristol’s cell phone number? The broad has been knocked up for crying out loud.”

The perpetrators also succeeded in gaining access to Barack Obama’s fantasy football team. It’s been widely reported that Senator Obama inadvertently selected the “Remember Password” option when signing in to set his weekly roster while visiting a public library in Fargo, South Dakota.

“His whole roster was trashed,” said Obama fantasy football consultant, Bill Brackens. “Who trades Aaron Rodgers for fucking Vince Young? Vince Young! The guy’s out of his mind – probably won’t ever see the field again. And Rodgers? His stats are sick. This was a huge blow to Barack’s chances.”

Aside from trading Green Bay Packers starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for the Tennessee Titans mentally-questionable backup quarterback, Vince Young, the perpetrators also dropped the four running backs on Obama’s roster and signed pot-smoking jackals Dante Culpepper and Lawrence Phillips – both of whom are out of football and probably awaiting trial for some heinous crime.

John McCain’s Facebook profile also fell victim to hackers, however, the damage was minimal. Under the information section where users define their sexual preferences, McCain’s status was changed from “I am interested in my wife” to “I am interested in dudes.”

The McCain campaign has yet to comment.

Michelle Obama Sets Standards…Sarah Palin Plans to Strip

Corrupting the News…With Michelle Obama receiving invaluable coverage in the upcoming People’s “Top 10 Best & Worst Dressed” issue, the McCain camp is scurrying like rabid dogs to highlight Sarah Palin’s scintillating fashion sense.

Barack’s self-proclaimed “better half” joined widely-despised Hollywood skanks Fergie, Eva Mendez and Sarah Jessica Parker as this year’s posse of well-pampered charlatans. And the Obama camp couldn’t be more thrilled.

“This is huge for us because the majority of American women read nothing other than People’s,” said Obama fashion director, Lloyd Spalding. “This is like free propaganda. A lot of women voters don’t concern themselves with trivial issues. The big question is always, ‘What will the first lady wear!” Well, Michelle proved she won’t disappoint during her four years, hopefully eight years, of touring the world and doing almost nothing of significance other than looking like a damn fox.”

Spalding said the key to Michelle’s dressing success is her ability to hide her powerful man shoulders, which he said were reminiscent of a “freaking linebacker.”

With Sarah Palin’s approval rankings sinking faster than an unopened beer over the side of a fishing boat, the McCain team is contemplating a major makeover for the sass of the ticket.

“It will be kind of like that movie She’s All That, except Sarah’s obviously not in high school,” McCain fashion guru, Carla Stripes said. “She might act like she’s still in high school, but now she can definitely look like it, too.”

Plans include a new line of dresses to replace her trademark dress suits, which proved to be the dagger in Hillary Clinton’s farcical campaign. Also being considered is a weekly “Swimsuit Saturday,” where Palin would don her cherished American flag bikini and tour small towns in battleground states, where the population is predominately comprised of greasy, toothless folks who aren’t accustomed to seeing the bare skin of non-kin.

“It’s a risky move, but we don’t want to look back in November and realize John McCain lost the election because Sarah didn’t properly use her assets,” Stripes said. “We’ve found that people are tired of listening to her read from telepromtors, so this is our best option. Especially if we decide to take advantage of the pole dancing classes she’s been taking.”

On a side note, the worst dressed woman this year is “American Idol” psychotic judge, Paula Abdul – an award that surprised nobody. Not even Paula Abdul.

Obama the Christian…McCain the Rebel

Prepare for some savage road rage. Obama’s officially out for blood. He’s harvesting plans for a massive base expansion. And he’s gunning for Christians. Go figure.

Having watched McCain hijack his change wagon to Washington by strapping a provocative sophomore coed named Sarah Palin in the passenger seat, Obama is now hell-bent on nudging his adversary’s pro-life minivan into the ditch for restitution.

The Obama campaign recently produced a litany of faith-based political paraphernalia to sink a fierce donkey tooth into the republican stronghold – ardent pro-life Christians who traditionally tend to view Democrats and bird shit splattered on the windshield in the same gloomy light.

Believers for Barack…Catholics for Barack…Pro-Life/Pro-Obama…Joel Osteen Impregnated an Obama Mama!

Bumper stickers featuring these slogans will have drivers veering off roads across the country. Regular folks befuddled and confused, struggling to recall which side of the damn road they’re supposed to drive on.

And this from a candidate whom many religious conservatives fear to be of the Islamo-Fascist persuasion…like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Muhammad Ali and any citizen of a country that begins with the letter I (note: this namely implies Iraq and Iran, however, I’ve recently crossed many Americans fostering beef with Ireland and Italy as well).

That’s what happens when you let a 72-year-old man steal your ride. Not even at gunpoint. Just flat out stole the fucker while you were inside paying for gas.

Indeed, the grim future of American politics will soon be mirrored in the chaos of ideologically drunk citizens navigating too many slippery roads. Everyone driving all over the map, taking any and every ill-advised route, making directions up as they go along.

And then all will be well again. Just as long as someone gets where they originally intended to go…Pennsylvania Avenue.

McCain and Obama now seek CEO position

Corrupting the News…Amidst allegations that none of the presidential or vice presidential candidates boast enough experience to handle CEO duties at a major corporation, truth squads for both camps released background information that suggests just the opposite.

The egregious statements made by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, came as a shock to both candidates, especially McCain, whom Fiorina was supposedly surrogating for on national television.

“That bitch’s travel expenses won’t be covered,” said McCain campaign assistant director, Paul Shuck.

The McCain staff also issued a statement earlier today that said, “While Senator McCain may have never ran a business of his own, per se, he has been intimately involved with many individuals who have – or whose parents have.”

The Obama office replied in just as much haste, releasing notarized documents from 1986, when the junior senator established Ivy League Scrappers, Inc., a Boston-based record label that filed for bankruptcy within 18 months of incorporating.

“There just wasn’t much hip-hop talent at Harvard,” said Obama deputy communications director, Roger Taft. “Obama was this close to signing ‘X 2 Tha Third Power,’ but that son of a bitch Suge Knight showed up.”

Both campaigns also defended the business records of their respective vice presidential candidates.

The McCain camp noted that Sarah Palin earned an estimated 1200 dollars in 1987 from sales of her original hockey puck-shaped cookies, which she baked at home when not working as a part-time sportscaster at a now defunct Anchorage news station.

The fate of her company, Puck-errred Lips Cookies, suffered an inexorable doom once local bakeries accused Palin’s hockey puck-shaped cookies of being blatant rip offs of their trademark design – the standard cookie.

The Obama camp is now reporting that running mate, Joe Biden, headed a 32-person operation that specialized in the manufacturing and distributing of premium earplugs. The design was comprised of a durable foam decorated with bedazzled jewels – low-cost, glitzy plastic that was all the rage from roughly the series premiers and finales of Full House and Rosanne.

Biden supposedly perfected the design by testing prototypes on his family members, mostly during his elaborate and loquacious rants about former president Richard Nixon being inherently evil on account of liking ketchup on his cottage cheese.

“Looking back, it explains a great deal about the closeness of my family,” Biden said. “They have been through a lot.”

Obama: Inventor of Porn and Nintendo Wii

Corrupting the News…John McCain’s recent revelation that he invented the Blackberry prompted a swift rebuttal from the Obama campaign, fearing the magnanimous claim might sway technologically savvy voters toward the republican nominee.

Obama spokeswoman Veronica Pooch said while the Blackberry is a fine wireless tool, its screen is prone to freezing and often fails to send and receive emails.

“The Blackberry obviously has many shortfalls and isn’t teeming with sweet-ass applications like the iPhone,” said Pooch, who admitted to sleeping with her iPhone. “Show me a map on Blackberry and I’ll show you how to end up on the wrong side of town.”

The Obama camp’s dismissal of McCain’s single greatest achievement was also reinforced by fresh information that the junior senator from Illinois is also quite a prolific inventor himself.

“Not only did Barack play an integral role in the development of the incredibly popular Nintendo Wii, but he also spearheaded the filming of what is believed to be the first American-made porn,” Pooch said. “Who doesn’t love Wii and porn? Lord knows they’ve gotten me through many Saturday nights.”

Experts from the Washington think tank, Porn in Politics, believe this dubious claim is an unabashed attempt at solidifying support amongst college-aged voters, who are universally recognized porn addicts, and elderly folks living in retirement communities, which are universally recognized hot spots for Wii bowling…and also porn.

Obama staffers neglected to delve into specifics regarding his role in developing the Wii, but did touch briefly on his involvement in a porn called “The American Melting Pot.”

“Obama wasn’t directly engaged in any of the scenes, but he conducted a community-wide search for several of the film’s stars,” Pooch said. “Essentially, it’s how he got into community organizing.”

The McCain campaign fired back immediately.

“Senator McCain has been filming pornos for decades,” McCain spokesman Todd Beck said. “His catalog is both extensive and diverse. I would argue he knows Americans better than anyone in the country. And as for the Wii, there have been a multitude of reports highlighting the fact Senator McCain enjoys nothing more than a good Wii session after snack and nap time.”

McCain & Obama Stole My Television

The television doesn’t work like it used to. Like it did even just the other day. Not that it’s broken or damaged in any irreparable way, but its performance has been questionable at best.

Images of Barack Obama and John McCain have been burned into the screen. Their faces haunt me now at all hours. I should have listened when that bastard at Best Buy warned of these malfunctions destroying plasma screens.

I couldn’t have known this is what he meant by that. Their faces are burned in my brain.

Of all the rotten luck, too. Why couldn’t it be an oily, scantily clad Sarah Palin burned into the screen? Fresh from the tanning bed. Mmm. Or even a captivating panoramic mountain view would have been nice. Hell, even a shot of Jared inhaling a 12-inch meatball sub would be manageable.

But it’s Barack and John. All day. Fucking up my Law and Order and my football and my daily dose of Emeril Live. I love that dude – bam! But no more. Not now.

And even my girlfriend’s reality television shows are no longer viewable…Perhaps this isn’t entirely tragic. Yes, some good always comes from the bad. Like Willie Stark used to say.

Problem is that Barack and John have little to do with it, really. I asked a canvasser to cut me a check for the damage, and the runt had the audacity to tell me to take it up with the 527s.

Who can find these people? They sleep in shadows. Hide in alleys. Drink whole milk.

Finally got a hold of  Eli Pariser at  MoveOn.org.  He  couldn’t elaborate – in any  comprehensible way – on what it was his organization aimed to accomplish. But I’m a member now, I guess.  4.2 million members  strong and growing.

Then a gentleman from RightChange.com phoned me. Said the country needed my help. Said I couldn’t sit around and wait for change – I needed to “effect” change. Whatever the hell that means. When he asked me if I was into change, I assured him that I was all about it.

“McCain’s change or the change promised by Barack Obama?” He asked.

So I told him both sounded pretty fancy. Joined his organization, too.

I’m pretty popular these days. Feeling good about things. Might even buy my ass a new TV.

McCain v The McRib

Corrupting the News…

‘Hear ye, Hear ye – the McRib hath returned!’

This proclamation has saturated recent headlines, as 50s of millions of Americans disregard staggering gas prices and SUV over to the nearest McDonalds in celebration of the 38th (121st, according to some reports) return of the paramount union of barbequed quasi-pork and slightly accelerated food service.

This phenomenon hasn’t gone unnoticed by the presidential candidates, with both senators John McCain and Barack Obama now vying for support amonsgt what poondits are labeling the “congested arteries voters.”

Experts predict this demographic – predominately made up of people who can name between 8 and 12 items from the McDonalds dollar menu – will undoubtedly determine this year’s election.

“You don’t live to be 72 years old without occasionally snarfing down half a dozen McRibs,” said Tabitha Anderson, a McCain spokeswoman and self-proclaimed rib sandwich aficionado. “Senator McCain’s adoration for the McRib is well documented.”

With McCain having seized control of the sleigh ride of change to the White House, the Obama camp has vowed not to repeat its mistakes in judgment leading up to the national conventions.

“We carry Obama onto a stage made for Caesar, and (the McCain campaign) lures an anonymous snow queen down from Alaska amidst a snowstorm of ass-kicking soccer-mom energy and voluptuous body parts,” said Alec Sheen, Obama spokesman and self-proclaimed fiend for any woman who could have arguably been cast on Northern Exposure. “It just doesn’t make any sense. We can’t fuck the McRib up, too.”

While campaigning in Memphis today on Obama’s behalf, former President Clinton assumed command of the national McRib debate: should it be permanent or simply an occasional breath of fresh air.

Only the plan backfired wildly.

“Now I love McRibs more than anybody – anybody – even more than Barack,” Clinton said. “Gosh, do they even eat McRibs in Maui or Kenya or wherever he’s from?”

An ever-eager McCain campaign seized the opportunity presented by Clinton’s blunder, as the republican nominee made an unexpected stop at a Detroit (well, a half-way-respectable suburb of Detroit) McDonalds.

“I will be forever grateful for the Big Mac,” McCain said. “It was the last American pizza I ate prior to my terrible experiences as a captive in Vietnam. Only thinking of eating another one kept my will strong.”

There were no immediate reports of whether McCain later acknowledged the Big Mac was not, in fact, a McRib…Or that neither sandwich had been introduced prior to his captivity, making the claim utterly impossible…Or that neither sandwich is a pizza, prompting more questions of his “touch” with reality. Any reality. Even his own.

The Weird and the Witchcraft

Witchcraft is alive and well in Congo. It’s not a good sign for any of us. These kinds of things have a tendency to transcend unintended borders. Like the Avian Bird Flu. And Communism. And Terrorism. And Amy Winehouse.

This latest scare is among the most disturbing things I’ve read about in some time. It was at a soccer match, a joyous celebration of sport. The reporting goes that fans and competitors suspected a player of employing fierce witchcraft tactics to dominate the match.

Needless to say, cheaters are seldom welcome anywhere (www.MLB.com).

The eccentric rogue’s crime?

Probably scored too many goals – some from inexcusably long-range distances. Pinpoint accuracy from 75-plus yards! Yes, I can see how that would raise some suspicions.

Might have bent it too much like Beckham. A goddamn boomerang hooking over everyone’s left shoulder. Definitely suspect.

Kung fu bicycle kicks a dozen feet off the ground. Real Jackie Chan shit. But with no cameras, no special effects, no editing…

Whatever it was, his surreptitious play provoked gunshots from the local authorities (think any neighbor, family member, friend, town idiot or slack jaw with a gun).

Chaos and hysteria ensued. Many scared, fearing for their lives. The inevitable trampling and mauling of a riot followed – dozens of hearts, souls and bodies enduring its wrath.

All this incited by suspicion. Disciples of witchcraft blatantly terrorizing the masses with superhuman soccer abilities, challenging the peaceful ways of civilized societies. Those bloody bastards. Where do they get off?

Tanning in the Sweet Alaskan Sun

As if she needed another blemish on her soft, milky, I’m just like you, complexion, Sarah Palin now faces the egregious charges that one of her first acts as Alaska’s Governor was to install a deluxe ass-frying tanning bed in the governor’s mansion.

This one might be tough to shake. Could stick around for good. Like Herpes.

Affairs, power-tripping, censorship of children’s books, helicopter hunting, eating too many pork ribs, slicking lip stick on tax hikes, and getting a little too liberal with the company (enter State of Alaska) gas card, all could prove trivial in the grand scheme of this election.

Why? All women do these things. Perhaps not every woman is guilty of every one of these offenses, but all women – and most men – have faltered in some idiotic combination of these misdeeds.

But a freaking tanning bed?

No, no, no. That’s Willy Wonka shit we’re talking about now. How many women relate to owning their own thigh griller? How many women have ever uttered the sentence, “Honey, don’t touch the computer, I have to study up on these Charlie Gibson interview questions. I’ll be back in 15 minutes – I’m gonna go catch some rays in the basement. If you’re lucky we might shoot for kid number six when I get back.”

No, not many American women know what that’s all about. Which is why this blasted tanning bed might prove to be the time machine that warped Sarah Palin – and much of the country – back to reality.

The Truth Be Damned

John McCain’s pants are going up in smoke faster than Wall Street, and Lord Obama wants the nation to evacuate.

The Obama campaign just released its latest rebuttal to McCain’s “sleazy” tactics, a television ad questioning what happened to McCain’s heart of gold. Ah, the expediency of politics has extinguished Mac’s conscience, and now his team is lobbing bombs at Obama Nation like the Palestinians and Israelis. Duck for cover, folks, because our good fortunes hinge on who emerges from the rubble.

The forgotten man, Joe Biden, is unsheathing the swords in Michigan today…a few excerpts from his expected speech:

“When Senator McCain was subjected to unconscionable, scurrilous attacks in his 2000 campaign, I called him on the phone to ask what I could do. And now, some of the very same people and the tactics he once deplored his campaign now employs. The same campaign that once called for a town hall a week is now launching a low blow a day.”

Good old Joe is frothing at the mouth right now. With the politics Mac’s chosen to play, the Delaware senator is now free to let that loquacious tongue of his out of the cage. Slithering and sniping. Whisking and walloping. Well, that’s the point of the VP running mate anyway, right – to say the things the main man thinks but would never get caught saying in public. Perhaps he might get caught every now and again, but it’s never planned. Or is it? Who the hell can tell anymore.

Obama the Prodigal Child, McCain the Usurper

The Serious…Lord Barack is on pace to scorch the record books yet again. The greenbacks are rolling in faster than the tides, and sticking it to public campaign financing now seems a better move than the Packers shipping Favre to Time Square.

55 million in February. 66 million this month. What’s up with the multiples of 11 million? A hoax? Some kind of “The Number 23″ thing?

The poondits argue he’s working harder than McCain for America’s dollars. I agree. Received 78 emails from David Plouffe last week “Barack Obama needs you…can’t risk more W…Republican lies…Palin’s done nothing, even less than Barack…Send money fast…Make it 50 this time, that 25 you sent 3 weeks ago was an insult!”

Not sure what hard work Lord Barack invested in these emails, but I imagine he assisted Plouffe with his editing, “Throw my name in there two or seven more times,” Barack says. And he’s right. His name, once his own worst enemy, is now his sharpest, most brutal weapon. A good old-fashioned popularity contest from here on out. Wonder how Barack’s fade will sway the hair-tugging brawl in the parking lot behind the band room.

Bulldogs are feisty brawlers, so Barack might reconsider hanging his jugular out there anyhow.

Palin’s name ID just eclipsed 90 percent over the weekend. She’s rising fast with no plateau in sight. Paul McCartney’s getting pissed off because he’s no longer competing with merely Jesus, MJ, Tiger Woods, baby Shiloh, and the freaking Jonas Brothers.

Indeed, Palin’s a bona fide celebrity. And a damn sexy one at that. I thought America needed leaders. No, that’s an antiquated sentiment in this race.

Change! Breasts! Those glasses!

Hernia tests have been disrupted in doctors offices all across America. Even Tina Fey is jealous. But after that diddy on SNL the other night, maybe Tina’s just turned on…creamy. As if there was ever any doubt.

And McCain’s laughing like a drunken bastard whose best friend just fell off the curb. He loves Britney. Loves celebrities. Loves parking the Straight Talk Express behind a Wal Mart and preserving the gas budget. Loves that he stole the recipe to Barack’s trendy change cocktail and got the whole country drunk off it like a Flaming Moe.

But who’s really drinking that piss-contaminated arctic punch? Well, women are slugging it by the gallon. They can’t get enough of it. There’s a lot of stumbling and groping. The election’s turning into a damn fraternity party and Republicans are getting laid everywhere. Even the Evangelicals are getting laid now, and they almost never strip down unless it’s Sunday – shower day.

Most men are sticking to beer and scotch. Hard stuff. Real booze. Real politics. Heard Barack drinks beer. Lord knows a POW can’t catch a peaceful wink without a few fingers of scotch. That’s all you need to get by. That’s all that’s left in this election. Wine coolers, scotch, and malt liquor. And all this after America’s grandest brewery is turned over to the Belgians and Brazilians. What a strange election.