Restoring the Fairness Doctrine – Rush Limbaugh moans self to sleep

Considering the News…
If they’re down, kick the rascals in the ribs – it’s the only means for solidifying a new social order.
Rush Limbaugh’s fat jaw has been jiggling with trepidation since the ”far left” won the election and established a sizable advantage in both houses of congress. The pill-popping propagandist’s fears continue snowballing each broadcast, as he laments the restoration of the Fairness Doctrine and what terrible [...]

President Bush pardons 14 – The real juice awaits

Considering the News…
Georgie boy shocked the world by granting 14 Presidential pardons and two sentence commutations – not because of the sheer number or inherent malice behind the execused crimes, but because the list lacks the blockbuster ringers we particularly expect from such a surreptitious and unapologetic man.
This list simply begs one question: Where the hell’s the juice, George? Give us something, for [...]

China hates on Guns N’ Roses – Americans applaud China

Considering the News…
The ruling Communist Party of China has a thorn up its ass, and it goes by the name Guns N’ Roses. We should then expect some form of attack, for one is surely imminent. Not an attack on America as a whole, but specifically that greasy bandanna-rocking clown Axl…I imagine Slash is under [...]

Hannity and Colmes part ways – No reports of violence

Considering the News…
Alan Colmes is leaving Sean Hannity. The relationship became too nasty and abusive for the limp Colmes to endure yet another year of savage beatings and taunts and black eyes, so he’s filing his papers and seeking some much needed psychiatric attention – a well deserved respite if I’ve ever seen one.
The 12-year marriage will officially [...]

The Obese – Two people or people, too?

Considering the News…
Fat people are people, too – that’s just accepted science. Perhaps they suffer inconveniences and alienation unknown to the rest, but pound for pound they are just as human as their undersized brethren.
However, now those afflicted by clapping man titties, cottage cheese thighs, and bubbling and bulging waist lines will be considered more than mere people. They are now super people…Yes, [...]

Innocent turkey slaughtered – Best Sarah Palin interview yet

Considering the News…
My esteemed, albeit irrational and afflicted, colleague I.M. Fletcher brought this remarkable video to my attention. While I’m sure I would have stumbled across it in time, it brings me greater joy knowing this priceless entertainment came from such an appreciative source.  
Sarah Palin has endured seismic humiliation since slithering into the limelight, mostly due to [...]

On again, off again – the Clinton-Obama power saga

Considering the news…
These two clowns are worse than Whitney and Bobby Brown. One day they’re cuddling on the campaign trail, unforced smiles and waves for the camera, only to abandon the bond 36 hours later, projecting fictitious distance and autonomy while confusing the shit out of people.
Which is what makes this Clinton-Obama political love affair and political warfare so addicting for everyone [...]

Joe the Plumber and Joe the Victim

Considering the News…
Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.
Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash [...]

The spicy battle between 50 Cent and Taco Bell

Considering the News…
There’s beef and beans between 50 Cent and Taco Bell. Expect corpses to start piling up because this feud could get nasty in the streets. Many will parish. Bloodied chalupas scattered in the hood.
The lisp-riddled rapper is pissed at the Tex-Mex giant because the latter hoped he might consider temporarily changing his name to [...]

Auto Giants seek bailout – As do I

Considering the News…
The three stooges of Detroit are dead broke and need money to pay the bookies and dealers. Don’t we all. This debilitating epidemic of corporate bailouts will soon bring about the death of failure. Worries will cease to exist, as CEOs realize the government prefers Nintendo world to these savage realities.
Oh, your stock died? [...]

Spitzer prostitute sits down with Diane Sawyer – Hilarity ensues

Considering the News…
Diane Sawyer’s tireless tentacles have slithered around yet another monumental catch, and this one smells like an epic tale.
Eliot Spitzer’s high-class whore wants to open up the forbidden satchel of naughty memories, and who better to lob the juicy questions than the great Sawyer. Damn, this should be a show!
You see, Sawyer has [...]

Secret Palin doodles illustrate her confused nature – Charles Manson prevails

Considering the News…
The recent discovery of Sarah Palin’s secret doodles, drawn during her time on the Wasilla City Council in 1996, clearly illustrate the confusion that has forever plagued this woman’s mind. This doodle was originally sketched by the Alaskan artist to adequately exhibit her qualifications for public office. This serves as evidence that those reasons were just as confusing and [...]

Lance Armstrong fears attack – French people still crazy

Considering the News…
Word on the bike trail is the French are going to unleash the fury on Lance Armstrong next summer, when the 7-time Tour de France champion emerges from retirement in a quest for yet another title.
Armstrong has expressed his fear of being brutalized by a pack of crazed frogs, who he evidently  believes are all foaming at the [...]

President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…
Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.
Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to [...]

16-year-old Schoolgirl to become first Japanese female professional baseball player

Considering the News…
I read this headline half a dozen times before actually clicking through. My initial thoughts were, “Oh, those Japanese and their silly marketing tactics. What will they think up next?”
But then it occurred to me that there might be something more to the story, some freakish angle that no curious mind should neglect to [...]

Mark Cuban charged for insider trading…Idiot stock rises

Considering the News…
Mark Cuban is many things – owner of the Dallas Mavericks, a billionaire, a balding wannabe playboy, and a hopeless dillweed, but now he can even tack “outed white collar crook” to that list.
The SEC has filed a civil lawsuit against Cuban, accusing the friendless rogue of insider trading. Martha Stewart all over again, as apparently Cuban received [...]

Kanye West arrested in England…Still a Douche

Considering the News…
Famous rapper and perpetual nuisance, Kanye West, was arrested outside an England night club for getting rowdy with his fella’s. Apparently West wasn’t charged with anything, but it is believed one of the officers on the scene accused him of being the world’s biggest douchebag.
This comes in the wake of West’s comments that [...]

Mystery Solved: How Bleach Kills Germs…Seriously

Considering the News…
After 200 years of scratching their heads, scientists have finally solved one of the great mysteries – how bleach kills germs. That’s right. Finally we can get some sleep around here.
A team from the University of Michigan has spent years grappling with the issue, but victory is now theirs. We don’t have any [...]

Good News: Christian Slater is Alive…Bad News: Still Can’t Act

Considering the News…
There’s really good news out of Hollywood – Christian Slater is alive. I know, right, seems like he’s been dead for years.
He’s exactly the kind of Hollywood figure you randomly think of – usually while you’re either stuck in traffic or doing bathroom office dirty work - and say, “Hey, I wonder what happened to that [...]

George W Bush admits mistakes – Seems remotely human

Considering the News…
It’s not like you can hate the guy forever. You know, that George W Bush guy.
Sure he’s seemed to fumble one thing after another, to the point he’s become somewhat of a living symbol of Freud’s definition of insanity.
Sure he’s pissed you off at least once a week, every week, for the last 8 freaking years.
Sure [...]

Move over Mario – It’s Super Obama World

Considering the News…
George W Bush isn’t the only one losing his spot atop the pedestal. Nor is Joe Wurzelbacher the only plumber Barack Obama has fucked over lately - now even Super Mario is out of a damn job. Obama’s just that big these days.
In celebration of his monumental election victory, SUPER OBAMA WORLD has been created to slash worker productivity rates worldwide. The [...]

KKK is still kicking…Now run by morons

Considering the News…
Not many endearing things can be said about the Ku Klux Klan. Few compliments can be paid. Those sheets always seem to be cleaner and brighter than most gracing the beds of America, but other than that we fall severely short on positive material.
Yet despite the horrific and despicable acts of this idiotic group of kooks, spooks, and [...]

Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…
The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.
Palin [...]

Victoria’s Secret Bras Mutilate Breasts – No Bra Look to Return

Considering the News…
At one time or another everyone has been mentally scarred by images of the 1960s feminist hippie fashion rebellion, namely the unabashed bra-less look that insulted man’s imagination the country over. Certain staples of the era will never be forgotten; melodies and visions of reckless jubilation seared permanently into the senses.
There was the free-flowing music, the psychedelic [...]

Obama Family Secret Service Names Revealed – Reno Raines Has Beef

Considering the News…
Reno Raines can’t be happy these days. One thing’s for sure, his life will never be the same. Now that the next First Family’s Secret Service names are public, Raines sadly becomes just the second most famous “Renegade” on the planet.
In perhaps one of the more dubious news stories of the year, we [...]