Blagojevich to Obama: Go to Hell

Considering the News…

Fearing he might not be governor for much longer, overlooking the shimmering fact his powers have all but been diminished, if not already seized, Rod Blagojevich unbuckled the belt holding up his trousers and gave the President-elect an unmissable shot of his steaming bum.

Despite the strategic tantrums of senate majority leader and the chamber’s most masculine of senators, Harry Reid, Blago saw no good reason why he shouldn’t do his duty as governor and appoint Obama’s senate replacement.

FBI investigations can be quite drawn out and cumbersome, something a man of Blago’s stature can’t have much patience for, so the esteemed governor heroically refused to delay the appointment in these times of frustration and economic turmoil.

Thus Roland Burris, unknown to most before today’s bizarre press conference, became the latest star in this he-said-I-said-the-tape-said saga, and in doing so found his name as the hottest search on Google – a triumphant feat most will never know.

Rightly suspecting team Obama might not immediately embrace his nomination, Blago arranged for Congressman Bobby Rush to join him onstage in order to remind people that Obama’s senatorial departure had left the chamber without any black men at all.

As Mr. Burris is indeed a black gentleman, we must then commend Governor Blagojevich for setting aside all criminal investigations and impeachment threats and the like to serve his nation in the best way he sees fit. Evidently that means telling the President-elect to fuck off, lugging a good man’s name through the mud, and resuming business as usual.

Barack the Magic Negro and the New GOP

Considering the News…

With the historic 2008 elections now clogging the nation’s collective memory, both major parties are striving to quickly bolster their political image with a barrage of confounding spectacles, confusing any and every American willing to pay attention along the way.

Within a bloody fortnight of winning the election Obama was steeped in shit and corruption – no advisable position for a President-elect. Why, Obama had barely commenced searching for his passport and packing his Hawaiian shirts when word spread that his abandoned senate seat was being auctioned on eBay, and apparently going for no small sum.

While Obama evidently had no hand in the seedy negotiations, his name was certainly thrust into the center of the national dialogue, an unfortunate first presidential production for a man riding the righteous tide of  Washington’s next great exorcist.

After bathing in the story like a call girl in a pile of bills, people (notably the American media) began questioning whether Blago had even committed a crime. Sure the FBI tapes seemed incriminating enough, however, what would be the condition of our prisons if we arrested every body guilty of proclaiming the desire to commit a crime? It’s not but 10 a.m. and already I have heard six different people say today they wouldn’t mind beheading our current President, and yet another who wished the same for Regis Philbin.

Not a grand opening act for America P.O. (or Post Obama). For unearthing corruption is one thing, but summoning the moral police is quite another. I’m not sure where my readers stand on the issue, yet I for one would rather miss the ability to wish death upon my least favorite public figures, or the opportunity to say I’m two drinks away from holding up a bank to appease my creditors. Actions are actions and speech is speech, and I don’t care to start monitoring my words too closely.

Now the GOP, beaten in November like an unwanted fourth daughter that should have been a first son, hasn’t chosen to seize the moral reins in these trying times – no reinvented image has been introduced hitherto. Instead the GOP seems more than content to perpetuate the unsavory perceptions already debilitating its national viability.

Hoping to become the new Republican National Committee chair, Chip Saltsman thought it rather wise to distribute a CD featuring the infamous “Barack the Magic Negro” song composed by renowned satirist, Paul Shanklin. While this is another form of speech I am fond of, the timing strikes me as a bit off.

One might think Saltsman would at least have waited until after he was awarded the position before disseminating quasi-racist soundtracks. That’s just common sense.

So it doesn’t appear either party is overly concerned with positive party identities as of yet. However, I certainly have high hopes for 2009. A new politics awaits us.

Cease Fires and Virginity Pledges…Two Pinnacle Ploys of Mankind

Considering the News…

After enjoying my morning coffee with a few riotous news stories exploring the missile hurling competitions in the Middle East, attention was drawn to a recent study examining the true prudence of teens willingly agreeing to the infamous virginity pledge.

Now, initially I saw no connection between the two, as there doesn’t seem an obvious link between the frisky nature of raucous teenagers and the fearless demeanor of the bomb-happy Palestinians and Israelis currently reconfiguring the border along the West Bank.

Yet the more I read, the more I pondered, and the more I compared, it occurred to me that man indeed is a frivolous being, perpetually haunted by an innate instinct to seek and destroy, not long deterred by pesky cease-fire agreements and virginity pledges.

Yessir, restrictive pledges inhibit man for only so long, this evidenced by the hundreds of bombs that have rained from Middle East skies since the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas ended but only 10 days ago; and also reinforced by the alarming conclusions of a recent federal study that found the majority of teenagers pledging to abstain from sex have little intention of earnestly adhering to any of the guidelines.

In fact, these conspicuous teens seem to be taking that pledge out behind the woodshed and defiling it in much haste.

Thus we see the basic instincts of man will forever prevail over arbitrary agreements and pledges, for ploys of peace and purity seem quite nice and pleasing and G-rated and what have you, but nothing sates the soul quite like bombs and orgasms – a fact of the highest caliber.

Certain truths never falter, therefore, what sense is there in pretending east and west might soon exchange sides of the moon? Jews and Palestinians don’t appear overly anxious to exchange niceties, whores never make fine housewives, and the Yankees buy a losing, albeit expensive, team nine years out of ten.

So we should aim not to suppress these indulgences, but embrace them, never relenting in our epic quest to quench the desire to make it rain. That’s all we have. Hallelujah.

Barrels of Oil – The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Considering the News…

For the first time since 2004, you can get your hands on a barrel of oil for under 40 bucks a pop, and all economic signs point to it becoming the most fashionable and trendy gift this holiday season.

Considered the “ripoff of the summer” when Americans couldn’t hump there way into a barrel for under 140, now oil is flying off the shelves at bewildering rates, prompting some experts to call it the hottest Christmas item since the original Tickle Me Elmo.

Thus I anticipate considerable joy next week, as I celebrate the Yuletides and whatnot by showering my loved ones, all my loved ones, with a their own barrel  of bubbling oil.

Indeed, each wayward drop of black gold that flutters to the white carpet below will be but one more symbol of my love and appreciation for those close to me. This is going to be a damn fine holiday season.

2008 – The Year of Experience and Merit in Politics

Considering the News…

2008 will be remembered for a plethora of historic achievements – A Philadelphia team not choking in the championship, Oprah becoming the first talk show host to eclipse 200 pounds more than 12 times in a career, Detroit auto companies selling more cars than ever – but perhaps this year’s most distinguished contributions to history have come per the political spectrum.

Yessir, 2008 is going down as the year experience and merit propelled savvy politicians to the mountain’s top.

There was Barack Obama dismissing the notion community organizers aren’t people, too, as he raised ungodly sums of money to spearhead his successful presidential campaign, ultimately shocking the world by becoming the country’s first black commander-in-chief.

There was Sarah Palin proving intelligence and familiarity with the U.S. Constitution is by no means a requisite for political dominance, having quickly claimed the throne of the Conservative Kingdom of Yahoos, ridding the world of barriers that hindered the likes of Forrest Gump, Britney Spears, and the French.

And now there is Caroline Kennedy laboring to extend her family’s rule in the Senate, scoffing at any indignant asshole who might contend there is more to public office than a surname and a shit-ton of money, laughing at those poor souls who are quick to remind us she has accomplished nothing of substance outside of writing a book or two and being born a Kennedy, mocking us simpletons who ever believed Democracy was devised to elect the best and the brightest – and not merely those with a familiar name and, yes, a shit ton of money.

What a year 2008 has been. Surely it will go down in infamy as the year pragmatisim had a heart attack on the john.

Bush given jubilant Middle East farewell…Many endearing gifts thrown

Considering the News…

The warm welcome President Bush received during visits to Middle Eastern warzones amplified the cuddly affection Iraqi citizens foster for the man besk known for delivering their freedom from tyranny.

“This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” One thrilled Iraqi reporter shouted in Arabic, as he playfully tossed his shoes at the President.

Tossing shoes is evidently a friendly gesture expressing the thrower’s appreciation and gratitude for the recipient, while dogs are historically viewed as a step below only the Gods, making the reporter’s choice of words all the more impressive.

The sentiments behind this ceremonious hurling of the shoes was mirrored in the streets, as thankful Iraqis chanted, “Bush, Bush, listen well: Two shoes on your head!”

As a man of common sense might rightly conclude, two shoes to the head is much better than merely one; therefore, we in America need not be MIT mathematicians to deduce just how much the Iraqis thank President Bush for his strident persistence and clear vision of bringing freedom and democracy to the traditionally confused areas of the Middle East.

Needless to say, President-elect Barack Obama has one tough act to follow, especially with all the nonsense he’s been uttering about ending Mission Iraqi Freedom. I suspect if that’s truly Obama’s intentions once sworn into office, we should not then expect the citizens of Iraq to be hurling any shoes his way anytime soon.

Indeed, Obama likely won’t see even one shoe tossed his way, let alone two.

8 percent of Illinois residents are crazy…Many proud parents

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is still a very popular figure in his home state, as recent polls indicate eight percent of his constituents still think rather highly of him.

And that’s no laughable accomplishment considering his current legal troubles, so I imagine his parents are quite proud of him these days, calling all friends and acquaintences in the rolodex for some good old fashioned offspring praising.

And yet Blago might not even be the most admired golden child in the state, what with Jessie Jackson’s boy Jessie Jackson sowing a rather sparkling image for himself, making all sorts of glamorous headlines and becoming an earnest talking point for late night talk show hosts. Quite a big deal he’s become.

Indeed, I’m no father myself, however, I’m compelled to believe a son like Jessie Jr. would bring me unparalleled joy. Few things elevate the spirits of a good-hearted man in the same fashion as witnessing a son surpass the public greatness of himself, and Jessie Jackson’s certainly a good-hearted man if there ever was one.

I’m sure the Jacksons are going to have a splendid Christmas this year, and so too the Blagojevich family. They’ll receive all sorts of thoughtful gifts and a litany of endearing cards, all coming from eight percent of the friends and family they once had.

Jessie Jackson Jr., how dare you bring money into politics

Considering the News…

If recent speculation out of Illinois proves to be remotely veracious, then Jessie Jackson Jr., son of the esteemed Jessie Jackson, yes, that Jessie Jackson, had better commence preparation of an explanation.

The damning word from Lincoln’s Land is that J-Cubed is “Candidate 5″ of the scandalous saga concerning Illinois Gov. Blagojevich’s unique interpretation of corruption. While the alias “Candidate 5″ has a pleasant ring to it – it sounds both official and surprisingly James Bondish - it isn’t a moniker Jessie’s son Jessie necessarily enjoys today.

This because Candidate 5 is allegedly the only candidate of the group (it is believed there were only 5 candidates, but who can be certain these days?) who offered straight cash for the open senate seat left by President-elect Obama.

Although the other 4 implicated candidates (again, I stress there may be many, many more, perhaps dozens, if not hundreds) reportedly refused participance in Blagojevich’s “Pay for Play” style of business, it appears Triple-J was more than willing to deliver one million in unmarked bills straight to Blago’s campaign coffers in exchange for the appointment.

(Editor’s Note: I have yet to find any reports of how Rep. Jackson Jr. obtained these unmarked bills, or any reports that he actually ever even offered unmarked bills, for that matter. They likely weren’t unmarked bills.)

What we do know, or what speculators close to the investigation believe they know, is that the son of Jessie sought to purchase the senate seat in very much the same way a mob boss furnishes the condo of his mistress – with straight cash. And such an ostentatious approach doesn’t jive with accepted political tradition, for democracy is the people’s system, not the financier’s playpen.

Thus Junior Jackson’s current standing isn’t enviable in the least, for what politician wishes to be marred by allegations of buying his or her office? What public official wants his or her legacy tainted by astronomical sums of money, ungodly amounts of money, being used to close the deal?

Indeed, not many that I know of. Especially not from Illinois, the cherished Land of Lincoln. Not a chance.

Obama is British and Harry Potter is a Muggle

Considering the News…

The grandest court in all the land has rejected an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man who claims to know more about the President-elect than even, say, the President-elect.

No, he’s not a biographer, per se, but he understands natural citizenship more than most, which makes it a damn shame his case won’t be heard in earnest by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Leo Donofrio (yes, that’s his real name) of Brunswick, N.J., contends that as Obama’s mother was American but his father was Kenyan, and thus a British subject, in no way whatsoever can Obama really be a pure-blood American, rendering him ineligible for the presidency.

It’s a vague and shady genetic equation, but Donofrio’s theory is flawless and has the backing of a monumental precedent. You see, in the case of Hermione v. Hogwartz School of Wizardry, Professor Dumbledore ruled that as Ms. Granger was undeniably the mixed blood product of a witch and a muggle, she did not qualify for classification as a pure-blood witch, no matter how prodigious her abilities.

Thus I hope the U.S. Supreme Court reconsiders the egregious dismissal of such a sincere case. Once again America finds itself at the mercy of the courts electing to legislate from the bench. What a dark world we live in.

Illinois continues streak of corrupt governors

Considering the News…

The state of Illinois is precise and methodical in electing only the most corrupt scumbags to office, especially when it comes to the governorship. Perhaps no other member of the union boasts a better track record of crooked politicians than Illinois, save maybe New Jersey and Louisiana.

It’s rather startling to fathom one state successfully electing such brazen thieves time and time again, an ultimate exercise of participatory democratic destruction. Nevermind the occasional successes like, say, a Durbin or an Obama – Illinois embraces the notion of unsavory, untrustworthy government  and should be commended for its ardent devotion to a single set of ideals.

How rebellious. How adventurous. How non-partisan.

You see, as news breaks of Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich’s arrests on too many counts of corruption to trouble the WordPress servers with, one must appreciate how bipartisan Illinois corruption really is, for his arrest comes as his predecessor rots in federal prison for racketeering and fraud.

Blagojevich, the silly son of a bitch he is, actually campaigned on, get this, cleaning up the despicable mess left by Republican Governor George Ryan. And, of course, he won!

But, contrary to Blagojevich’s charming beliefs, Illinois didn’t put him in office because they yearned for change, but, rather, because they knew he was just the man to perpetuate the seedy ways of Ryan. Indeed, having realized this soon after the inauguration, Blagojevich embarked on his own term of terror, cutting deals with any and every company with a checkbook.

And Blagojevich, God bless his soul, became so proud of his work in corruption that he fancied extending a dirty hand to the nation’s capitol, offering up the Senate seat left open by Obama’s election to the highest bidder. Now that’s government we can believe in.

It’s now a shame that Blago won’t be around to see what his great work in corruption means to his beloved home state, the Land of Lincoln. But we know this. We know the citizens of Illinois always have a crook lurking in the shadows, and his replacement will perhaps be an even bigger piece of shit than him.

Alert:Boy George is creepier than we thought

Considering the Weird…

Turns out Boy George is the one hurting people these days.

The disturbed pervert, who stormed through the fame gates with his 1980s songs “Karma Chameleon” and “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, was found guilty today of falsely imprisoning one of his teammates from the coke-addled porn stars.

Turns out Georgie lured his unsuspecting victim back to the crib after a porn shoot (creepy), handcuffed him to a wall (creepier), and then proceeded to beat him into submission with a chain (creepy, yes, but also wrong as hell).

The 47-year-old cross dresser reportedly hatched the wicked scheme in retaliation for his victim refusing to sleep with him when they originally met, which highlights just how jumbled Boy George’s head is.

The two starred together in a raunchy pino before heading back to a nasty love palace where handcuffs and chains and lotions awaited, yet George was ticked about not getting that weeks or months or whatever beforehand…Wow.

Just doesn’t make any damn sense. But, then again, neither do songs about chameleons, so what do I know.

The Juice faces 6 years to life – The squeeze is on

Considering the News…

O.J. can set the golf clubs down and grab a trash pick, because the only greens he’ll be seeing for awhile will be roadside ditch weeds as he stabs at McDonald’s sacks  in his neon orange vest.

Yes sir, the Juice is finally doing time. Six years to life, in fact. Should be brutal. Especially as he sits in his unfinished cell block trying to wrap his meager mind around the bewildering fact a man can actually do hard time for stealing his own shit. Simply dumbfounding, I know, Juice.

But all the glitter isn’t gold, as they say, and the sparks around O.J. Simpson’s once glorified life have faded faster than the 2008 Buffalo Bills.

Perhaps the Juice will use this opportunity to establish a new state of mind, one that doesn’t take orbit around his own greed and self-centered ambitions, one where ex-lovers become friends and fans find equal ground with stars.

Maybe he’ll find Jesus. Maybe he’ll find Allah. Maybe he’ll find Tito the lovely body builder from cell block 9.

Not sure. Nor do I care. The glove fit this time and they used it to keep hands clean while squeezing the freedom juice from Simpson’s fantasy world. Ain’t life grand, that so many can find peace and joy in the unnecessary sorrows of such a confused soul.

   

Love him or hate him, Karl Rove has a point

Considering the News…

A lot of people hate that Karl Rove. They hate him for getting George W. Bush elected. They hate him for nearly succeeding in his devious quest for everlasting conservative rule. They hate him because his wobbly chin(s) just tend to piss people off.

He’s been called ruthless, conniving, underhanded, surreptitious, heartless, and I’m sure even a pole-smoking SOB.

Yet what political mastermind achieves such notoriety without boasting a few of these unsavory traits? Love and warmth seldom imbue the hearts of iconic political strategist, especially those like Rove who consider every angle of character assassination…Like freaking out a bunch of rednecks by insinuating a certain candidate may or may not have an illegitimate child with a black woman, in much the same way Rove and Bush infamously did to John McCain in South Carolina during the 2000 Republican primaries.

Yes, a lot of folks despise that Rove. Wish evil things upon him. Google things like “Hitman for hire” because of him. However, for good or ill, mostly ill, Karl Rove knows politics. He also knows just how much money plays in any given election.

Inspired by the Obama campaign fundraising juggernaut, Rove penned this Op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, where he is a regularly contributor. Essentially, Rove argues that McCain was a victim of his own sword, as the 2002 campaign finance reform he spearheaded with Sen. Russ Feingold ultimately swung back around and sliced off his own manhood during the battle against Barack.

Thus Rove now advocates complete “Freedom of Political Speech” in regards to campaign donations, meaning he wants to give rich Republican donors the opportunity to buy elections, like back in the good old days.

In years past, this idiocy would have warranted an immediate condemnation from this writer, standing behind the pure democratic thought that money should play little to no factor in elections.

Having now considered the many reports of citizens like Bart Simpson and Darth Vader donating to Obama’s campaign via pre-paid debit cards, I concede the issue must be readdressed. I concede that pole-smoking SOB, Karl Rove, might just have a point.

Women politicians aren’t all stupid

Considering the News…

lleana Ros-Lehtinen might live her life paranoid as a first-time overnight prison guest, but at least she doesn’t suffer from dumb. No, the Republican congresswoman from Florida is sharp, crafty, witty, eloquent, familiar with the U.S. Constitution…

Hell, those traits are mere hearsay, and I have no evidence to support those claims. But whether Ros-Lehtinen is a valedictorian or a varsity football team bicycle is no concern of mine, for at least we know she’s a pure-hearted skeptic, willing to insult the President-elect to preserve whatever dignity she might fancy herself to have.

When Barack Obama extended a benevolent hand across the aisle, Ros-Lehtinen slapped it down like Barry was making an sleazy pass at her thighs. Reports indicate that Obama, then Rahm Emanuel, attempted to phone Ros-Lehtinen, only to hear echos and a freaking click.

There was no malicious intent on her part, Ros-Lehtinen simply thought some limp-dicks from a local radio station were trying to make light of her. Sensing it might be a prank phone call, she played hardball right backand hung up on the bastards…Only it was the next President.

Embarrassing for her, yes. But not quite as humiliating as, say, a clueless Alaskan moosetress believing President Sarkozy of France truly gives two shits and wants to wish her well on the campaign trail. Because, you know, that would be quite the blemish on an otherwise sterling common sense track record.

Home Shopping Network crime spree – When will the madness end?

Considering the News…

The Home Shopping Network is renowned for its worldly products and seductive bargains…We’re not only going to slash the original price, but we’re going to take another 25 dollars off and throw in a Russian made-for-order bride and a Swiss Army knife to the next 50 callers…Who can beat that? You can’t. You won’t.

You see, there’s successful business models, piss-poor business models, and then there’s the Home Shopping Network – the house of essentials glistening on a staged hill.

Marketing and advertising are unshakable staples of the consumer economy, yet the Home Shopping Network has thrived by taking chances, testing limits like Rosie O in spandex at a $7.95 Chinese buffet. Indeed, HSN doesn’t market in the traditional sense, like say, Hardees jamming the double bacon monster burger down the throats of the imminent triple-bypass crowd…too damn easy. The strategy of short-sighted simpletons.

Instead, at HSN, the actual product is the marketing.

Sexy vixens massaging fishing poles. Loquacious butchers slicing scintillating Omaha steaks. Sexy vixens massaging lotions into palms and forearms, lotions with which one might massage and lotion other things. Loquacious butchers now drilling through 28 stuffed Turduckens. Sexy vixen massaging Omaha steaks.

Doesn’t matter what the product is, just who’s drilling, slicing or cradling the thing. And it works. It’s entertaining. Enlightening. Addictive. How addictive, you ask…

A former bank teller who pleaded guilty to embezzlement told investigators she was addicted to a cable TV shopping network.

Cassandra Ryder, a former teller at the Branch Banking & Trust (BB&T) in Copperhill, Tenn., said she often purchased items from the network with the embezzled funds.

Ryder was sentenced Monday to 15 months in prison for embezzling $134,000 between January 2005 and September 2007

The Detroit Auto Clowns – Trimming the Fat Cats

Considering the News…

The incompetent stooges of Detroit’s big three are waxing their bikini lines and preparing for another vulgar swimsuit competition before the drunken judges of congress. I suspect the future holds some lap dances for dollars, erotic cries for mercy, and whispers of sweet, sweet nothings into any open ear this side of Chevy Chase.

And it’s all a bitter lie more transparent than the reformed addicts of Hollyweird. (Hey! But these humbled lugs are coming in earnest this time! They’ve even sold off half the private jets to buy Toyota hybrids! These guys are driving to Washington!) Well, that’s a sizzling lump of bullshit.

These flabby cats are bopping into town in a damn clown car and we’re expected to shell out 34 Billion for the performance. Maybe if those pampered scoundrels pulled up in a Greyhound, because even Sarah Palin can take a 16-week course on common sense, but she’s not passing the final without smearing some serious lipstick.

So I say congress relocates that old dusty box of jock straps and do what any respectable sports program would do when sweeping tides pull a good name into the deep waters of underachievement…Fire the bastards and start fresh.

You want America to bail out your company? Sure, we’ll help you. Let’s start by getting a competent coaching staff to replace these clueless hacks.

Sarah Palin told me to do it – Psychiatric evaluation ensues

Considering the News…

God is a mysterious being - no one denies that - but His actions have been quite questionable as of late.

First it was letting Sarah Palin in on the secret that His “Will” inspired Americans to rid the earth of all terrorists. Then it was telling Sarah Palin the prospects for a 2012 run look good. And now He’s even telling truckers to patrol traffic, stopping at nothing to get the lousy drivers off the road.

At least one vigilante driver took God’s wishes to heart, as a San Antonio trucker rammed his truck into some woman’s ride because the Man Upstairs told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”

Apparently God is so far ahead of schedule these days He’s now extended the list of sins to include shitty driving. Right.

Well, we can already see where this is heading. Pleading insanity was a 1990s thing. Now “God’s Will” is the new best defense for criminal believers and lunatics. Which leads me to conclude I should attend service more often. Get in touch with God. See if he can’t tell me to rob a bank or knock off a few convenience shops. Guess He only contacts the good and the righteous. Damn.

Things you can’t say in Colorado – Your lady is a tramp

Considering the News…

One has to wonder how the hell Hunter S. Thompson ever got away with living in Colorado. The guy should have done some serious time…and not just for the abundance of mind-bending drugs and explosives…Thompson’s typewriter should have gotten him locked up thrice daily.

The news out of Fort Collins is that some 40-year-old buster was arrested for, get this reader, calling his lady a lousy whore on Craigslist. Ok, perhaps his rhetoric was a weeee-bit more libelous than that (He actually claimed she was giving her lawyer the business in exchange for legal representation), but it sets a startling precedent either way you lube the shaft.

You see, people just don’t get arrested for saying, writing, or publishing that kind of twisted shit these days. Wrists are slapped. Retractions are printed. Apologies are faked. But no one gets 18 months in the ”fun shower” for calling his lady a no-good, meddling tramp on the damn ”Raves and Rants” section of Craigslist. Maybe in China. Maybe in North Korea. Maybe those blasted Russians even take a pinky toe to prove a point.

But under no circumstances should any American face time for calling a loved one an easy skank – no matter how ludicrous the claims. This is a classic case of “Slander per se”  since the guy challenged a woman’s “chastity,” however, such ugly claims are made in every middle school, high school, college, and redneck-infested watering hole 365 days a year.  

Should this truly warrant one’s imprisonment? Do we have room for this in American prisons? Do you, reader, personally know anyone outside of your grandmother who hasn’t called someone a whore, even in jest, at one time or twelve others?

You see, the worst part is the actual wording of the Colorado statute that made this arrest possible…Any words ”tending to blacken the memory of one who is dead” or to “expose the natural defects of one who is alive, and thereby to expose him to public hatred, contempt or ridicule.”

Jesus! Pretty damn vague if you ask me. Seems quite a few could be picked up on this. The people of Colorado better act fast and fix this preposterous speech limitation, lest they wish to winnow away their remaining days in complete solitude and silence.

And as for Mr. Man with the filthy mind – perhaps he should consider reading up on John Peter Zenger and private investigators before his hearing, because if his lady is as naughty as he claims, this could be a quick and easy defense.