Blagojevich to Obama: Go to Hell

Considering the News…
Fearing he might not be governor for much longer, overlooking the shimmering fact his powers have all but been diminished, if not already seized, Rod Blagojevich unbuckled the belt holding up his trousers and gave the President-elect an unmissable shot of his steaming bum.
Despite the strategic tantrums of senate majority leader and [...]

Barack the Magic Negro and the New GOP

Considering the News…
With the historic 2008 elections now clogging the nation’s collective memory, both major parties are striving to quickly bolster their political image with a barrage of confounding spectacles, confusing any and every American willing to pay attention along the way.
Within a bloody fortnight of winning the election Obama was steeped in shit and [...]

Cease Fires and Virginity Pledges…Two Pinnacle Ploys of Mankind

Considering the News…
After enjoying my morning coffee with a few riotous news stories exploring the missile hurling competitions in the Middle East, attention was drawn to a recent study examining the true prudence of teens willingly agreeing to the infamous virginity pledge.
Now, initially I saw no connection between the two, as there doesn’t seem [...]

Barrels of Oil – The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Considering the News…
For the first time since 2004, you can get your hands on a barrel of oil for under 40 bucks a pop, and all economic signs point to it becoming the most fashionable and trendy gift this holiday season.
Considered the “ripoff of the summer” when Americans couldn’t hump there way into a barrel [...]

2008 – The Year of Experience and Merit in Politics

Considering the News…
2008 will be remembered for a plethora of historic achievements – A Philadelphia team not choking in the championship, Oprah becoming the first talk show host to eclipse 200 pounds more than 12 times in a career, Detroit auto companies selling more cars than ever – but perhaps this year’s most distinguished contributions to [...]

Bush given jubilant Middle East farewell…Many endearing gifts thrown

Considering the News…
The warm welcome President Bush received during visits to Middle Eastern warzones amplified the cuddly affection Iraqi citizens foster for the man besk known for delivering their freedom from tyranny.
“This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” One thrilled Iraqi reporter shouted in Arabic, as he playfully tossed his shoes at the President.
Tossing shoes is evidently a friendly gesture [...]

8 percent of Illinois residents are crazy…Many proud parents

Considering the News…
Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is still a very popular figure in his home state, as recent polls indicate eight percent of his constituents still think rather highly of him.
And that’s no laughable accomplishment considering his current legal troubles, so I imagine his parents are quite proud of him these days, calling all friends and [...]

Jessie Jackson Jr., how dare you bring money into politics

Considering the News…
If recent speculation out of Illinois proves to be remotely veracious, then Jessie Jackson Jr., son of the esteemed Jessie Jackson, yes, that Jessie Jackson, had better commence preparation of an explanation.
The damning word from Lincoln’s Land is that J-Cubed is “Candidate 5″ of the scandalous saga concerning Illinois Gov. Blagojevich’s unique interpretation of corruption. While the alias [...]

Obama is British and Harry Potter is a Muggle

Considering the News…
The grandest court in all the land has rejected an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man who claims to know more about the President-elect than even, say, the President-elect.
No, he’s not a biographer, per se, but he understands natural citizenship more than most, which makes it a damn shame his case won’t [...]

Illinois continues streak of corrupt governors

Considering the News…
The state of Illinois is precise and methodical in electing only the most corrupt scumbags to office, especially when it comes to the governorship. Perhaps no other member of the union boasts a better track record of crooked politicians than Illinois, save maybe New Jersey and Louisiana.
It’s rather startling to fathom one state successfully electing such brazen thieves [...]

Alert:Boy George is creepier than we thought

Considering the Weird…
Turns out Boy George is the one hurting people these days.
The disturbed pervert, who stormed through the fame gates with his 1980s songs “Karma Chameleon” and “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, was found guilty today of falsely imprisoning one of his teammates from the coke-addled porn stars.
Turns out Georgie lured his unsuspecting victim back [...]

The Juice faces 6 years to life – The squeeze is on

Considering the News…
O.J. can set the golf clubs down and grab a trash pick, because the only greens he’ll be seeing for awhile will be roadside ditch weeds as he stabs at McDonald’s sacks  in his neon orange vest.
Yes sir, the Juice is finally doing time. Six years to life, in fact. Should be brutal. Especially as he sits in his [...]

Love him or hate him, Karl Rove has a point

Considering the News…
A lot of people hate that Karl Rove. They hate him for getting George W. Bush elected. They hate him for nearly succeeding in his devious quest for everlasting conservative rule. They hate him because his wobbly chin(s) just tend to piss people off.
He’s been called ruthless, conniving, underhanded, surreptitious, heartless, and I’m sure even a pole-smoking SOB.
Yet what political mastermind achieves such [...]

Women politicians aren’t all stupid

Considering the News…
lleana Ros-Lehtinen might live her life paranoid as a first-time overnight prison guest, but at least she doesn’t suffer from dumb. No, the Republican congresswoman from Florida is sharp, crafty, witty, eloquent, familiar with the U.S. Constitution…
Hell, those traits are mere hearsay, and I have no evidence to support those claims. But whether Ros-Lehtinen is a valedictorian or [...]

Home Shopping Network crime spree – When will the madness end?

Considering the News…
The Home Shopping Network is renowned for its worldly products and seductive bargains…We’re not only going to slash the original price, but we’re going to take another 25 dollars off and throw in a Russian made-for-order bride and a Swiss Army knife to the next 50 callers…Who can beat that? You can’t. You [...]

The Detroit Auto Clowns – Trimming the Fat Cats

Considering the News…
The incompetent stooges of Detroit’s big three are waxing their bikini lines and preparing for another vulgar swimsuit competition before the drunken judges of congress. I suspect the future holds some lap dances for dollars, erotic cries for mercy, and whispers of sweet, sweet nothings into any open ear this side of Chevy [...]

Sarah Palin told me to do it – Psychiatric evaluation ensues

Considering the News…
God is a mysterious being - no one denies that - but His actions have been quite questionable as of late.
First it was letting Sarah Palin in on the secret that His “Will” inspired Americans to rid the earth of all terrorists. Then it was telling Sarah Palin the prospects for a 2012 run look good. And now He’s even telling truckers to patrol traffic, stopping [...]

Things you can’t say in Colorado – Your lady is a tramp

Considering the News…
One has to wonder how the hell Hunter S. Thompson ever got away with living in Colorado. The guy should have done some serious time…and not just for the abundance of mind-bending drugs and explosives…Thompson’s typewriter should have gotten him locked up thrice daily.
The news out of Fort Collins is that some 40-year-old [...]