Octuplets move to mystery mansion – Plus, why everyone with six kids should have another eight

Considering the News…
Scintillating details of the California octuplets remain shrouded in mystery, now four days removed from the babies’ removal from the mother’s womb.
Traditionally patient and polite news media is growing uncharacteristically anxious. Many pressing questions remain unanswered. What are their names? Who are the eight fathers? Are they Clippers or Lakers fans?
Yet the family [...]

The flabby saga of Jessica Simpson – Plus Barack Obama proves in one week that he is not God

Considering the News…
Thirsting for a major news story to fill the ominous void left by the passing of President Barack Obama’s inauguration, the mainstream media naturally turned to Jessica Simpson’s luscious jelly rolls.
I cannot honestly claim to be surprised, nor can I fathom any other way this could have unfolded. The sequence of events makes [...]

Rod Blagojevich: Public Menace, National Hero, or Both? Plus a brief list of things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market

Considering the News…
Embattled Illinois Governor and renowned public ass Rod Blagojevich fancies himself to be somewhat of a hero.
Actually, that statement does him no justice whatsoever. Many apologies to his family for selling the man so short.
He fancies himself to be one of the most prolific and undeniably great heroes in American history – make [...]

Bush vacates the White House, a terribly sad sun sets

Considering the News…
President Bush is back in Crawford, Texas, the sun having set at last on his memorable and abundantly eventful presidency. It’s back to civilian life, back to making trivial decisions that affect no one of interest.
Done are the presidential press conferences that inspired the collective cheers of so many Americans, all lauding his [...]

President Bush delivers inspiring farewell speech – Few listen and some laugh uproariously

Considering the News…
President George W. Bush delivered a heart-warming, belly-tingling, buns-tickling farewell to the nation yesterday, and I’m both alarmed and appalled that this magnanimous leader – general of all things mighty, admiral of all that is right – was given second ticket to an airplane landing in the Hudson River of all places.
Never mind [...]

The Osama Bin Laden Guide to Immortality

Considering the News…
Former terrorism mogul and one-time television sensation Osama bin Laden has lugged his crippled bones out of the death box once again, this time calling for jihad hell in Israel until Jerusalem is rightfully or wrongfully (who really knows) returned to the Palestinians.
Bin Laden, the generous soul that he was, also welcomed the [...]

Economy Down but Chlamydia Up – Fair Trade Off

Considering the News…
Having grown weary from the exhaustive news coverage of our economy being in shambles and  the fate of everyone essentially being doomed, I was more than pleased to learn chlamydia is surging like a blind horse in heat.
One can read about new record  lows only so many times before he goes madly insane, [...]

The Army to recruit flabby soldiers – The end is near

Considering the News…
The common American (to say nothing of the extraordinary American) has come to expect very little of his fellow countrymen, and doing so has enabled meager standards and expectations to fashion comfortable homes in every sector of society, something for which we are all ultimately worse off.
From regular consumer services to exotic dance [...]

Tim Tebow, future President of the United States?

Considering the News…
I’m now convinced Florida Gators football superstar, American legend, and Christian goodfella, Tim Tebow, will be President a day not too far from today. No doubts. No reservations about that one.
The guy exudes confidence. Spouts leadership. Is to charisma what Amy Winehouse is to crackheads – the definition.
Now some will say, hey, what [...]

Applying for a dream job – FBI here I come

FBI:
It recently came to my attention the Federal Bureau of Investigation is aggressively seeking talented new agents, and I must say this joyous news couldn’t have come at a better time. Believe it or not, I have myself been aggressively seeking the right agency for my services, yet the economic uncertainty of today has made [...]

Six-Day Weeks and Failed 2009 Resolutions

Considering the state of things…
Unlike tens of millions of my fellow Americans who chose yet again to celebrate this new year by embarking on ridiculous quests for self-improvement -  like losing weight or quitting smoking or quitting drinking or limiting sexual conquests or quitting sex altogether or renouncing organized religion or endorsing the metric system [...]