Monthly Archives: September 2008

McCain’s October Surprise…A Bristol Palin Wedding

Corrupting the News…

John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.

Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.

With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all coming together at the perfect time. Sarah Palin’s about as popular as Michael Richards, thus McCain and Co. are desperately trying to plunge all this shit down the clogged pipes of American media.

This is the headline-grabber they need right now. No talk of Troopergate or Moose hunting or appearing less competent than Katie Couric.

Bristol’s getting married and it’s gonna be the wildest gun-slinging shindig Alaska’s ever seen. The biggest public wedding since Charles and Diana…since the second season of The Bachelor…or the fourth season of The Bachelorette…or just about any season of The Flavor of Love

Needing to shore up support amongst middle-aged women, they’re throwing out the irresistible Bon Bon, the one event all women froth over. Middle-aged women love weddings like they love Regis, like they love slot machines and lavender candles.

They don’t care who or where or when. Just want to see that passion, that kiss. Want to feel love in the air. They yearn to be in the presence of a connection greater than any they themselves have ever been part of.

And a Bristol Palin wedding promises to be the tear-jerker of the fall season. Grey’s Anatomy producers are pissed off right now. So too the entire Lifetime writing staff.

This will be unmatchable, and the McCain camp is elated.

Bristol turns 18 on October 18th, and they’re dragging that poor, horny fuck, Levi Johnston down the aisle with her the next week.

Doesn’t matter if Sarah has to force him at gunpoint. This wedding’s happening. No doubt about it.

Every magazine’s cover photo. Every news program’s lead story. Every entertainment smut program’s lead story. Every punchline of every joke on every talk show. The publicity will be priceless and endless.

The president and McCain trading jokes under their breath in the front row…Obama’s got hope and change and 50 million in the bank, but we got Bristol and the election – God bless America!!!

Rush Limbaugh chewing pills in the restroom. Ann Coulter banging one of the groomsmen in the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot. Cindi and Sarah drunk and singing “Loving You is Easy” on the karaoke machine.

What a goddamn party. What an election. What a depressingly ignorant country if this ends up saving a campaign.

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McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

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McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…

Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.

As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.

“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”

Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.

“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”

Fair enough.

McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.

He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.

“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”

And thank god.

John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.

He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.

Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.

“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.

“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”

Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.

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McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ’99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

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Palin meets with world leaders…now ready for presidency

It’s official – Sarah Palin is now ready for the world stage.

No more questions of experience. No more Wasilla bashing. No more forecasts of looming disaster should McCain’s heart forfeit the fight.

Palin has finally bolstered her foreign policy credentials (continental cred, for you slang talkers) by meeting with a slew of world leaders at the U.N. General Assembly in New York City today. Thus she is now armed and ready for any shit the world slings onto America’s windshield.

All the big names are there…Afghani President Hamid Karzai…Columbia’s Alvaro Uribe…former US Secretary of State Henry Kissinger…U2 front man Bono…New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner (or was it Hank?).

Indeed, shaking hands with foreign leaders is the ideal international icebreaker for rookies, especially one as raw as Palin, whose passport was issued just two years ago – no time for traveling overseas…but what about that layover in Ireland?

For Palin, it will be a crash course in foreign diplomacy, or “maverick gunslinging” as Mac calls it. While the ticket leader meets with big shots from Georgia, Ukraine, and India, Palin will likely be seeking out Russian officials, any Russian officials, to tell them about the exquisite view she’s had of their country these past years. Maybe talk hunting, fishing, drilling, etc.

How valuable it all will be. Now she can look Charlie Gibson in the eye, without the peculiar twitch, and say, “Hell yeah, Charlie, I’ve met with world leaders. What’s it to you?”

Which is a good thing. For despite Palin’s misguided guess on national television, every vice presidential candidate of the past 30 years had previously met with at least one freaking foreign leader prior to running.

I have not and I think if you go back in history and if you ask that question of many vice presidents, they may have the same answer that I just gave you,” Palin said. “But, Charlie, again, we’ve got to remember what the desire is in this nation at this time. It is for no more politics as usual and somebody’s big, fat resume maybe that shows decades and decades in that Washington establishment, where, yes, they’ve had opportunities to meet heads of state.

Now even this doesn’t sound nearly as ridiculous. The bulldog is bona fide. Ready to brawl.

And it couldn’t have come at a better time for the McCain-Palin camp. Her stock was plummeting and here’s the bailout…A chance for a few photo ops…An opportunity to appear presidential…A possibility of meeting Bill Clinton – weee doggies…And best of all, a chance for the entire world to get a taste of this Alaskan cream pie.

But although Mac and company are understandably excited about the advantageous implications, they should be equally leery of the potential for a backyard bloodbath of the worst kind.

Yes, this political ploy can backfire worse than stealing box seats at a Yankees game, where the whole crowd laughs and taunts your ass as the security guards whisk a fraud to the exit.

Barack Obama survived his staged world tour production relatively unscathed. He spoke before thunderous crowds thousands of adoring fans. Met with a few foreign leaders. Played hoops with the troops. Said all sorts of fancy and worldly things. But the lasting image will forever be of him standing before that maniacal Woodstock crowd in Berlin. That’s it. The fading memory is that the world loves that fucking Obama.

Palin won’t be nearly as privileged. She’s only meeting with people boasting international presence. One photo of her shaking hands with a president wearing a “Who is this sexy dame?” look and it’s over. It will be the Clinton-Lewinsky hug shot. Gary Hart and his whore on Monkey Business shot.

It will be game, set, match for the Obama camp.

McCain better hope Palin smiles, acts strong and composed, and doesn’t unintentionally turn anyone on…it could turn the whole country off quickly.

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Clinton supporters go agnostic…Obama goes crazy

For the record, don’t fuck with Hillary Clinton supporters. They’re tough folks. More brutal than a 3-inch heel in the groin.

Even Barack Obama has realized as much.

It’s not that he doesn’t want/need their support – he’s just scared shitless of them. To the point it’s looking increasingly like he has a better chance of recruiting three-quarters of Joel Osteen’s followers than he does one-half of Hillary’s.

It’s ridiculous. Farcical. Doesn’t make any damn sense. But that’s politics.

People are stubborn. Set in their ways. They eat vanilla because they like vanilla. No need for chocolate. No need for strawberries. No need for change. No new positions just because the kids are off at your mother’s.

And thus Barack has made NO headway on Clintonites since she packed in the season and conceded. None. None? How’s that freaking possible?

58 percent of Hillary supporters said they would back Barack in June.

58 percent of Hillary supporters say they will back Barack today.

Yet McCain’s support amongst Hillarians has climbed to 28 percent from 21 in that same time frame.

What in god’s name gives here?

Are they really that pissed off? Are they still clinging to cries of “sexism” and “misogyny” like small-town hicks cling to guns and religion? Is it really a black-white thing? Has the whole political universe gone crazy!

Unfortunately, it appears so. Hillarians agree with Barack on Iraq, abortion, eliminating tax cuts to the ostentatious swine on Wall Street and the oil barons in Texas – they just don’t agree with Barack.

They don’t like him. Don’t trust him. Don’t think he’s experienced…They think he’s a fraud.

And they’re willing to risk the whole election on this childish grudge. Third graders do this shit, not suffering Americans in desperate need of an alternative direction. Never mind the country’s economy and global standing sinking faster than a turd in an empty bucket…that bastard stole the election from us, so we’re going to snatch it from him!

That’s what going on here. That’s the skinny in a fucking nutshell. You can take that charge to the bank and stamp it with red lipstick and fit it for a dress suit.

And I have no qualms with it. Screw it. I might even enjoy it in some sick and sadistic way.

When McCain’s getting his jaw re-adjusted because the thing snapped as he laughed his ass off into the White House, I’ll call every Hillary supporter I know and say: You see what the hell you’ve done. Do you see what the hell you’ve done? There stick your nose in it. Stick your nose in it!

Tails between legs for four more years. Hell, they might as well give ’em eight. Lord knows Democrats don’t want the stinking White House back. Not when they’re too busy organizing “All Girls” and “All Boys” clubs in their tree houses.

Somewhere McCain is smiling. Somewhere Palin is getting fitted for a new line of vice-presidential dresses. Somewhere Hillary Clinton is stumping for Barack Obama, thinking that 2012 really isn’t that far away.

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McCain camp supports freedom of press…kind of…

John McCain is a true American. A stalwart patriot. An admirable senator. A respectable man. A former POW. At times of convenience, he’s even a god-fearing Christian.

He is a lot of things. A lot of nouns and adjectives are readily employed to describe him, his track record, his wives, his many homes.

But it appears John McCain’s campaign is crapping on the United States Constitution – namely that blasted First Amendment that has spawned raging hemorrhoids in the anuses of tens of thousands of politicians and government officials throughout the years.

McCain campaign architect and on-again-off-again McCain employee, Steve Schmidt, is on the offensive. He’s pissed off. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body is pissed off. And he’s gunning for the foremost beacon of American journalism – The New York Times.

“Whatever The New York Times once was, it is today not by any standard a journalistic organization,” Schmidt said. “It is a pro-Obama advocacy organization that every day impugns the McCain campaign, attacks Sen. McCain, attacks Gov. [Sarah] Palin.”

Schmidt also lambaste the Times for neglecting to ever sniff Obama’s sheets and exploit his shortcomings. However, the Times responded by citing 42 articles in which the newspaper had done just that in the past year.

Schmidt’s and McCain’s distaste for the Times isn’t a fresh revelation – the Times has been fucking up republicans’ weekends for decades – this just marks the latest installment of them crying foul on the Times to drum up political sympathy…political coinage.

McCain v Times has become Ali v Frazier shit…seems to happen all the time. But now it’s highly necessary. The White House depends on it.

Schmidt isn’t amplifying his negative opinions of the Times in hopes of merely diminishing the publication’s advertising revenue – something I’m sure he would drink 18 fingers of whiskey to – but to perpetuate the trite GOP technique of blaming liberal media to deflect attention from a fledgling campaign (or administration, in regards to those currently residing in the White House).

Little less than a month ago, the McCain camp was struggling to maintain. Gasping for breath. Praying for momentum. Wondering if anyone had paid the god damn power bill.

Then came the duchess of Wasilla. Indeed, the needed energy came in the form of an angelic and busty ass-thrasher named Sarah Palin.

But even her playboy shine couldn’t last forever. The world already proved Jenny McCarthy couldn’t act. It was only a matter of time until Palin stopped getting call-backs as well.

Now the McCain camp is fumbling the cumbersome task of protecting her from the venomous fangs of relentless news institutions. America’s curious minds. A task that’s nearly impossible, lest she be shackled up in a dark Alaskan cave until after the election……..hmm…….

The McCain campaign is scheming to achieve just that – win the election not on merits and qualifications, but an idea of an American woman, that if distorted would render the implosion of this already volatile campaign. If media cannot create a definitive depiction of Palin, then only a superficial, albeit beneficial, myth is on the ticket come November.

Dodging American media, no matter what your make of their political agenda, benefits no one outside the McCain campaign – the entire American society suffers.

But McCain-Palin should be wary. Reporters will find a story. If you won’t answer the questions, they will find someone who will. So rather than point fingers and accuse the Times of journalistic malpractice, why not step up to the podium and face the thousands of inquiries that will benefit the American people – even if it devastates the campaign. I would rather lose an election, than to……..

If McCain-Palin win the election on account of one scripted speech at the GOP National Convention, it will prove to be the darkest moment in American politics and media.

Yes, McCain and his camp are a lot of things. But are cowardice and conniving two of them?

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