Corrupting the News…Amidst allegations that none of the presidential or vice presidential candidates boast enough experience to handle CEO duties at a major corporation, truth squads for both camps released background information that suggests just the opposite.
The egregious statements made by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, came as a shock to both candidates, especially McCain, whom Fiorina was supposedly surrogating for on national television.
“That bitch’s travel expenses won’t be covered,” said McCain campaign assistant director, Paul Shuck.
The McCain staff also issued a statement earlier today that said, “While Senator McCain may have never ran a business of his own, per se, he has been intimately involved with many individuals who have – or whose parents have.”
The Obama office replied in just as much haste, releasing notarized documents from 1986, when the junior senator established Ivy League Scrappers, Inc., a Boston-based record label that filed for bankruptcy within 18 months of incorporating.
“There just wasn’t much hip-hop talent at Harvard,” said Obama deputy communications director, Roger Taft. “Obama was this close to signing ‘X 2 Tha Third Power,’ but that son of a bitch Suge Knight showed up.”
Both campaigns also defended the business records of their respective vice presidential candidates.
The McCain camp noted that Sarah Palin earned an estimated 1200 dollars in 1987 from sales of her original hockey puck-shaped cookies, which she baked at home when not working as a part-time sportscaster at a now defunct Anchorage news station.
The fate of her company, Puck-errred Lips Cookies, suffered an inexorable doom once local bakeries accused Palin’s hockey puck-shaped cookies of being blatant rip offs of their trademark design – the standard cookie.
The Obama camp is now reporting that running mate, Joe Biden, headed a 32-person operation that specialized in the manufacturing and distributing of premium earplugs. The design was comprised of a durable foam decorated with bedazzled jewels – low-cost, glitzy plastic that was all the rage from roughly the series premiers and finales of Full House and Rosanne.
Biden supposedly perfected the design by testing prototypes on his family members, mostly during his elaborate and loquacious rants about former president Richard Nixon being inherently evil on account of liking ketchup on his cottage cheese.
“Looking back, it explains a great deal about the closeness of my family,” Biden said. “They have been through a lot.”