McCain & Obama Stole My Television

The television doesn’t work like it used to. Like it did even just the other day. Not that it’s broken or damaged in any irreparable way, but its performance has been questionable at best.

Images of Barack Obama and John McCain have been burned into the screen. Their faces haunt me now at all hours. I should have listened when that bastard at Best Buy warned of these malfunctions destroying plasma screens.

I couldn’t have known this is what he meant by that. Their faces are burned in my brain.

Of all the rotten luck, too. Why couldn’t it be an oily, scantily clad Sarah Palin burned into the screen? Fresh from the tanning bed. Mmm. Or even a captivating panoramic mountain view would have been nice. Hell, even a shot of Jared inhaling a 12-inch meatball sub would be manageable.

But it’s Barack and John. All day. Fucking up my Law and Order and my football and my daily dose of Emeril Live. I love that dude – bam! But no more. Not now.

And even my girlfriend’s reality television shows are no longer viewable…Perhaps this isn’t entirely tragic. Yes, some good always comes from the bad. Like Willie Stark used to say.

Problem is that Barack and John have little to do with it, really. I asked a canvasser to cut me a check for the damage, and the runt had the audacity to tell me to take it up with the 527s.

Who can find these people? They sleep in shadows. Hide in alleys. Drink whole milk.

Finally got a hold of  Eli Pariser at  He  couldn’t elaborate – in any  comprehensible way – on what it was his organization aimed to accomplish. But I’m a member now, I guess.  4.2 million members  strong and growing.

Then a gentleman from phoned me. Said the country needed my help. Said I couldn’t sit around and wait for change – I needed to “effect” change. Whatever the hell that means. When he asked me if I was into change, I assured him that I was all about it.

“McCain’s change or the change promised by Barack Obama?” He asked.

So I told him both sounded pretty fancy. Joined his organization, too.

I’m pretty popular these days. Feeling good about things. Might even buy my ass a new TV.


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