Corrupting the News…
‘Hear ye, Hear ye – the McRib hath returned!’
This proclamation has saturated recent headlines, as 50s of millions of Americans disregard staggering gas prices and SUV over to the nearest McDonalds in celebration of the 38th (121st, according to some reports) return of the paramount union of barbequed quasi-pork and slightly accelerated food service.
This phenomenon hasn’t gone unnoticed by the presidential candidates, with both senators John McCain and Barack Obama now vying for support amonsgt what poondits are labeling the “congested arteries voters.”
Experts predict this demographic – predominately made up of people who can name between 8 and 12 items from the McDonalds dollar menu – will undoubtedly determine this year’s election.
“You don’t live to be 72 years old without occasionally snarfing down half a dozen McRibs,” said Tabitha Anderson, a McCain spokeswoman and self-proclaimed rib sandwich aficionado. “Senator McCain’s adoration for the McRib is well documented.”
With McCain having seized control of the sleigh ride of change to the White House, the Obama camp has vowed not to repeat its mistakes in judgment leading up to the national conventions.
“We carry Obama onto a stage made for Caesar, and (the McCain campaign) lures an anonymous snow queen down from Alaska amidst a snowstorm of ass-kicking soccer-mom energy and voluptuous body parts,” said Alec Sheen, Obama spokesman and self-proclaimed fiend for any woman who could have arguably been cast on Northern Exposure. “It just doesn’t make any sense. We can’t fuck the McRib up, too.”
While campaigning in Memphis today on Obama’s behalf, former President Clinton assumed command of the national McRib debate: should it be permanent or simply an occasional breath of fresh air.
Only the plan backfired wildly.
“Now I love McRibs more than anybody – anybody – even more than Barack,” Clinton said. “Gosh, do they even eat McRibs in Maui or Kenya or wherever he’s from?”
An ever-eager McCain campaign seized the opportunity presented by Clinton’s blunder, as the republican nominee made an unexpected stop at a Detroit (well, a half-way-respectable suburb of Detroit) McDonalds.
“I will be forever grateful for the Big Mac,” McCain said. “It was the last American pizza I ate prior to my terrible experiences as a captive in Vietnam. Only thinking of eating another one kept my will strong.”
There were no immediate reports of whether McCain later acknowledged the Big Mac was not, in fact, a McRib…Or that neither sandwich had been introduced prior to his captivity, making the claim utterly impossible…Or that neither sandwich is a pizza, prompting more questions of his “touch” with reality. Any reality. Even his own.