Corrupting the News…Sarah Palin appeared before record crowds in Florida over the weekend, as she continues boosting her celebrity status by trumpeting McCain’s agenda with a straight face.
A storm of hip-failing retirees – by some estimates 80-90 percent of Florida’s documented population – endured near triple digit temperatures to catch a glimpse of the conservative hockey mom who is storming the country with a bible, 2500-dollar suits, and a “Red lipstick’s not just for whores” attitude.
To the dismay of McCain staffers, there were no heat-related injuries, deaths, falls or stains reported.
“It’s a god damn miracle we didn’t have any casualties,” said McCain Florida co-chairman, Scott Stalwart. “Like we always say, if you’re older than the temperature, maybe you shouldn’t be outside. That’s especially true when it’s 95 freaking degrees out there.”
Nearly one million retired Floridians unfolded lawn chairs, threw open sun umbrellas, lathered on chicken grease and canceled tee times, to hear Palin deliver an impassioned speech…written by a McCain speech writer the day before while Palin took her kids to Disney World.
“We wanted Sarah to say something fresh, because the hockey routine just isn’t resonating in Florida” said McCain speech writer, Chuck Fallery. “Other than golf, shuffleboard, yachting and plastic surgery, these folks don’t care about much else except money. So we had Sarah talk about just that – how the radically liberal Barack Obama’s gonna steal their money.”
Until they can bolster Palin’s confidence, the McCain camp has elected to resist non-staged questioning. However, one withered old man circumvented the system and brought his own loud speaker.
“Explain your extravagant budgets and tax hikes in Wasilla! You’re no Republican!”
Palin responded coyly by saying, “I was against that budget after I realized the political fallout it wrought.”
The crowd was littered with a litany of pro-Palin signs.
Palin for President……When I grow up, I want to be Sarah Palin…….When I have my surgeries, I’ll be Sarah Palin……..I have a dream – a wet one…….Unborn babies for Palin…….Helicopters and Shotguns for Palin……..Drill, Baby, Drill…….If duct tape don’t work, slap some lipstick on it………………
This was the first opportunity for Floridians to observe the vice presidential candidate in person, and she didn’t disappoint.
“Normally, I need pills for this kind of excitement,” said Thomas Clayborn, an 87-year-old from Tampa. “This was like a freebie, a freebie that proves there’s still quite a bit of blood in these veins.”
James Conway echoed these sentiments, saying his 91-year-old wife typically frowns on him admiring stage shows featuring this much “va-va-voom.”
“Sarah Palin strutted on stage, and I knew within 38 seconds that she had my vote,” Conway said. “If it doesn’t happen within 38 seconds, then it won’t happen. My wife, Linda, looked over at me and smiled. Sarah Palin in the White House will be great for our marriage.”
When asked if Palin would make any Florida campaign stops outside of retirement communities – generally republican strong holds – the McCain camp said there was a strong possibility.
“We would be extremely naive to believe we can carry Florida without the Hispanic vote,” said Stalwart. “Hispanic men between the ages of 18 and 65 have responded strongly to Sarah Palin. They like her message too.”
In a side story, Sarah Palin will meet with former great musician, Bono, this week. It is unknown what the two could possibly have to discuss, but insiders say Palin is a tremendous fan of his music and purple sunglasses.
“That one song, ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ has been playing non-stop on Sarah’s iPod since the 13 main subpoenaed witnesses baled on her ethics hearing last week,” said Palin personal music assistant, DJ Bulldog. “Plus, purple glasses hide the wrinkles around the eyes. She’s examining all beauty tips in a bipartisan manner.”
Change we can believe in.