Corrupting the News…
Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.
As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.
“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”
Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.
“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”
McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.
He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.
“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”
And thank god.
John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.
He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.
Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.
“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.
“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”
Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.