Corrupting the News…
John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.
Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.
With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all coming together at the perfect time. Sarah Palin’s about as popular as Michael Richards, thus McCain and Co. are desperately trying to plunge all this shit down the clogged pipes of American media.
This is the headline-grabber they need right now. No talk of Troopergate or Moose hunting or appearing less competent than Katie Couric.
Bristol’s getting married and it’s gonna be the wildest gun-slinging shindig Alaska’s ever seen. The biggest public wedding since Charles and Diana…since the second season of The Bachelor…or the fourth season of The Bachelorette…or just about any season of The Flavor of Love…
Needing to shore up support amongst middle-aged women, they’re throwing out the irresistible Bon Bon, the one event all women froth over. Middle-aged women love weddings like they love Regis, like they love slot machines and lavender candles.
They don’t care who or where or when. Just want to see that passion, that kiss. Want to feel love in the air. They yearn to be in the presence of a connection greater than any they themselves have ever been part of.
And a Bristol Palin wedding promises to be the tear-jerker of the fall season. Grey’s Anatomy producers are pissed off right now. So too the entire Lifetime writing staff.
This will be unmatchable, and the McCain camp is elated.
Bristol turns 18 on October 18th, and they’re dragging that poor, horny fuck, Levi Johnston down the aisle with her the next week.
Doesn’t matter if Sarah has to force him at gunpoint. This wedding’s happening. No doubt about it.
Every magazine’s cover photo. Every news program’s lead story. Every entertainment smut program’s lead story. Every punchline of every joke on every talk show. The publicity will be priceless and endless.
The president and McCain trading jokes under their breath in the front row…Obama’s got hope and change and 50 million in the bank, but we got Bristol and the election – God bless America!!!
Rush Limbaugh chewing pills in the restroom. Ann Coulter banging one of the groomsmen in the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot. Cindi and Sarah drunk and singing “Loving You is Easy” on the karaoke machine.
What a goddamn party. What an election. What a depressingly ignorant country if this ends up saving a campaign.