Monthly Archives: October 2008

More Republicans endorse Obama – McCain gets Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

On the same day John McCain sealed the deal with the most coveted voter in America (at least in terms of insignificant people who somehow earned undeserved fame), Barack Obama continued reeling in big catches from the GOP pond.

Ronald Reagan’s chief of staff is the latest McCain political casualty, as Ken Duberstein announced he will be voting for Barack Obama come Tuesday.

He joins numerous other lifelong conservatives who feel, among other things, that Obama’s potential for greatness outweighs McCain’s lengthy record of “being a true American.”

Here’s a short list of other republicans dazzled by the light streaming from Obama’s campaign:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

Former Solicitor General for Reagan, Charles Fried

Former South Dakota Senator, Larry Pressler

Former Maryland Senator, Charles Mathias

Former Rhode Island Senator, Lincoln Chafee

Former Massachusettes Governor, William Weld

Former Minnesota Governor, Arne Carlson

Former Bush Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

Former Iowa Congressman, Jim Leach

….You will notice the word “former” precedes many of these distinguished names, thus the McCain camp obviously downplays these figures as irrelevant. However, consider how many times McCain and Palin have invoked the name Reagan in this campaign, and it’s easy to deduce what’s happening.

McCain and Palin say the name Reagan hoping to coerce voters into thinking their broken policies and campaign will somehow translate to a presidency similar to that of President Reagan.

Well, if his own staffers don’t believe it…then why the hell should we?

But good job on the Joe the Plumber endorsement, Senator McCain. It’s a really big deal. Really. I mean that.

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

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1 in 7 still undecided? Who the hell are these people?

Considering the News…

There’s so many poll numbers out right now the backs of my eyes throb and my hands are shaking. It’s not even noon but I know a stiff drink might be the only thing to remedy the anxiety. Can’t imagine how Obama’s feeling right now. He has to be fiendish for a smoke, wondering what harm two or six puffs actually inflict.

Despite brewing relatively sizable leads in most polls not conducted by Fox News or the McCain camp, Obama still fears his fate rests with those mindboggled undecideds. They’re scary people for a candidate like him. So persuadable…”moveable” or “changeable” as they’re often called.

A Yahoo!-Associated Press poll says 14 percent have no freaking clue who they’ll vote for. 14 percent! That’s 1 in 7 people who get to the front of the McDonald’s line and act like they’re really pondering some unprecedented order, only to decide on the same Big Mac meal they get every other damn time. Not good for the new chicken wrap that is Barack’s candidacy.

The Washington Post estimates the clueless society to be closer to 10 percent, which is several points lower than this same time in 2000 and 2004. So I suppose we’re at least making some progress as a society.

The McCain camp is confident the majority of undecideds will secretly, quietly sneak over to the maverick, come election day, saying this sector of the electorate are, “older, downscale, more rural and are certainly economically stressed.”

Older, downscale, more rural. I won’t speculate what this really means, but I’m confident in my readers’ intelligence and ability to decipher the GOP code inherent in that statement.

But luckily these undecideds have wittled away at these candidates’ stances, as the Associated Press reports that when “Asked where they disagree with Obama, changeable voters most frequently mention taxes and the economy, health care, abortion and social issues such as gun control, and personal traits including his race and his honesty. For McCain, it’s the economy and taxes, health care, foreign policy and abortion.”

So there you have it. They disagee with both candidates on taxes, the economy, health care, and abortion. However, McCain has a slight disadvantage on foreign policy, and Obama is struggling with race and guns.

That’s right, you just read that correctly. This election will boil down to race, guns and war. Phew! It’s a goddamn relief we at least have our priorities straight.

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Obama’s final 30 minutes

Considering the News…

Several days remain in this endless election, but tonight signified Barack Obama’s final 30 minutes of the campaign. He’s given the rib-rattling speeches. Told every version of his American dream story. Sold most elements of his policies. Shook millions of worried hands. And now there aren’t many lines he can butter without sounding like a syndicated rerun.

If Obama doesn’t win the election, it’s safe to say this country truly is doomed. Sitting here 30 minutes after his 30 minute special, I’m left wondering what else America could want in a president at this time, in this corrupted economy, and with the American dream slipping further and further from the reach of us common citizens.

It was a genuine depiction of his vision and values. From spending time with his daughters reading Harry Potter to expressing the need for helping legacy workers achieve the same success as their fathers, mothers, and grandparents, Obama emphasized the need to view all people as common Americans, with similar dreams, matching desires, and unequivocal suffering.

We all want something better. Few Americans can proclaim their lives to be perfect, even though we all strive for such euphoria, so why perpetuate the fallacies of our past by voting for it again.

To many, political inclinations are burdensome, but they have become increasingly necessary these past few years, when our country’s leaders proved not to be leaders at all. Thus the search for unadulterated landscapes was launched by the indignant masses. And we are now on the precipice of a distant arrival.

This election and these dire times have illuminated the social, economic and cultural travesties that plague our daily lives. All of our lives. Everyday. But people still thirst for a shot of undiluted sweetness, a shot of what our forefathers must have been shit-faced on.

Now change looms. Hope thrives. The American dream will prevail. And Barack Obama is a momentous step in that direction.

So why not take this 30 minutes he offered and consider what the next 30 years can sow if we plant the seeds of prosperity and hope today. I know I’ll be in the voting booth endorsing Barack Obama for president next Tuesday. I hope a few of you join me

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Halloween Costumes for the Candidates

Corrupting the News…

With the Halloween shenanigans nearly upon us, I suspect it’s high time we give some earnest thought to what costumes the candidates will be wearing to their sexy parties this weekend. I know, they’ll likely be much too busy pandering to the masses to even enjoy the festivities, but where would be as people without speculating about this type of shit every now and again?

John McCain: Well, according to Joe Biden, John McCain would make a damn fine President Bush. I’m not certain he can pull off the smirk and head nods, but simply wearing a suit and parading around with his voting record in hand would create a rather convincing illusion.

Runner up: The cowboy from the Village People. Wait, that whole “can’t raise his arms above his shoulders” would likely screw him on that ‘YMCA’ deal.

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

Third Place: A baby with pacifier and bonnet. Decent way to distract voters from his biggest flaw – being a rusty heart beat away from handing the presidency to Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama: Joe the Plumber. This simultaneously accomplishes two things: 1) Probably secures the most sought after vote in the country – that damn Joe Wurzelbacher. 2) Makes people think Obama really is an “average Joe” and thus dismisses any excuses for paranoid citizens who are reluctant to put a check mark next to the name “Barack Hussein Obama.

Runner up: George “The Ice Man” Gervin. Since Obama enjoys hooping it up on the basketball court, why not go as the silky smooth Ice Man. Just makes sense.

Nobody's smoother than the Ice Man - except maybe Obama

Nobody is smoother than the Ice Man...Barack maybe?

Third place: George W Bush. Halloween is synonymous with scary and freaky shit. What’s scarier and freakier than that…I’m even sweating right now just thinking about it.

Sarah Palin: A lawyer specializing in Constitutional Law. There’s nothing more endearing than a funny costume, and this would have the people rolling about wildly. Plus, it would boost her image for that big presidential run in 2012. You know, so it looks like she might have read a few lines of the Constitution at one time or another.

Runner up: A two-timing street-walking hustler. Wait a second…

Third place: Hillary Clinton. This would be McCain’s dream materializing right before our eyes, as Hillary’s ardent supporters scoot over to the right for this election. You didn’t actually think Palin was picked for her experience or governing abilities, did you?

Joe Biden: A silent nun. This would temporarily excuse him from running his mouth like the town drunk on a four-day bender after being laid off from the local coal mine. He might learn something from the experience.

Runner up: A mute. See above.

Third place: Sloth from The Goonies. He wouldn’t be able to say much except, “Heyyyyy, you guyyyyyys!” And everybody would love him for it. They would absolutely fucking love him for it.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

…So there it is. My costume ideas for the candidates are laid out. What? You think I made some poor choices? Well, don’t just be a smug wise-ass – put yours down below. Let the ideas flow…

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Obama 30-minute show: Media Overkill or McCain Killer

Considering the News…

Tonight should prove quite entertaining. It’s make or break. American society as we know it could either completely unravel or bond together, as the manifest force of the looming Obama presidency reveals itself tonight.

With Obama’s 30-minute self-history seminar set to constipate the Wednesday primetime lineup, I can already here the collective moans from the millions of viewers who have either 1) already committed to Obama and can’t wait for these campaign charades to cease 2) wouldn’t vote for Obama even if George W. Bush and Carrot Top were the only other names on the ballot 3) got the days mixed up and thought they were tuning into It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

I can hear the beer bottles shattering against back-alley walls. The incessant cries of young children terrorizing my ear drums and sanity. The panicked moans of sci-fi freaks wondering “Where the hell is my goddamn CSI ?!?! Where’s the crime lab? Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on here!”

Obama’s running full speed with 30 miles of tight rope pressing between his toes. This 30-minute stunt could be the old man unbuckling his trousers and taking a big dump on two years of near-perfect campaigning. If McCain wakes up next Wednesday with a morning presidential chubby, it won’t be on account of anything he did. No, that scenario only materializes because Obama took this messiah thing too damn far (think 200,000 in Berlin or the temple stage before 80,000 at the convention).

But perhaps it will be the clinching, albeit unnecessary, field goal that provides an insurmountable 10-point lead with 6 seconds to play. We won’t know for sure. Fans and supporters might think it’s the best 30 minutes in television history; a few of them might even set the Tivo and replay it for friends and family. But we won’t know about the rest of the nation. Not until tomorrow.

That’s when we’ll all creep into the office, nervous as hell that the undecideds are so pissed about being cheated out of 30 minutes of Deal or No Deal that they saddle over to the crusty McCain supporters during lunch.

That’s how we’ll know. The pundits don’t have to declare it a success or failure – we’ll know when those blasted undecideds make a move at lunch tomorrow. If they stumble over to the McCain crowd, we’ll know it failed. Should they saunter over to the Obama side, we’ll note the genius of this dubious campaign maneuver. (Then again, maybe they’ll just watch reruns of House on USA tonight, never knowing that 30 minutes of campaign history aired on the major networks.

Hopefully the country likes what it sees and saves itself by voting this man into the White House. It’s time to put shallow differences aside and embrace a different America, where our friends and neighbors and community mean more than 30 minutes of television. I can see it vividly…and I like it.

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Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

Considering the News…

Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain – many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how tough he is with a gun

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

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