Corrupting the News…
Illinois is anyone’s trophy come November.
Yet it appears no one wants it…Certainly not Barack Obama or John McCain, who are doing nearly everything in their collective power to alienate the entire state.
This comes as a major blow to the Democrats, as Illinois has been in Obama’s pocket since the beginning. And rightly so – he’s only a junior senator from the state, having occasionally voted in favor of bills that directly benefit the Land of Lincoln.
But a recent gaffe by Obama has ignited a serious shit storm in the state best known for the destitute, drug and prostitute-riddled town of DeKalb, and now Illinois’ electoral votes are up for grabs like dollars on the catwalk.
It all started on a seemingly benign campaign stop in Arlington Heights, where Obama told a group of reporters that Cubs fans “blame curses on everything – from the Cubbies’ misfortunes to the sinking economy and the quagmire in Iraq.”
Cubs fans responded brashly, burning Obama campaign signs and raiding several campaign offices. Millions of dollars in damages were reported, and one Obama staffer was even forced to have the phrase “Go, Cubs, Go” tattooed on her upper left breast.
“Obama can rot in hell,” said Brooke Todd, a diehard Cubs fan who doesn’t wash his drawers during Cubs winning streaks. “We’ll put Ron Santo in the goddamn White House before that two-faced White Sox fan. You can’t have it both ways, Barack!”
The Obama camp said the quote was taken drastically out of context, and what Obama meant to say is that Chicagoans, predominately those from the north side, hold onto Cubs baseball in times of crisis much in the same way south side Chicagoans hold onto their guns, drugs, bitches, and 22-inch rims.
“Senator Obama loves the Cubs,” said Obama spokesman Felix Pie. “He met his wife at a Cubs game, for crying out loud. I mean, both of his daughters were conceived after Cubs victories.”
Senator McCain also succeeded in pissing off the entire Cubs nation. At a campaign stop in Batavia, McCain told a crowd of 16 or 17 people that he is confident, “Michael Jordan will take Notre Dame back to the Super Bowl this year.”
When later asked about the quote, McCain said, “I’m terribly sorry if I offended any voters in Illinois. Obviously I meant to say Wayne Gretzky. Go, Broncos, Go!”
Sarah Palin made a similar misstep, but the recent disclosure of her extreme stupidity prompted most media institutions to abandon the story.
While entertaining questions about the likelihood of a Cubs World Series championship, Palin said, “I’ve shot quite a few of them in my days while, uh, hunting in the state I’m executive of. This coat’s made from cub fur, actually.”