McCain buys house on eBay…Denies allegations of drug use

Corrupting the News…

Keeping track of all those houses just got a little tougher for John McCain. He doesn’t have a clue what the count is up to these days.

But whether he figures the dwelling count to be at one or two or seven is immaterial, as rumors are now circulating that he recently acquired yet another one.

When Joanne Smith of Chicago won an eBay auction for an abandoned crack house in Saginaw, Michigan, early reports indicated she aimed to do the wise thing: fix it up and flip it on the booming Saginaw crack house market.

Having won the glorified shed for only $1.75, the story was initially trumpeted as a quasi-humorous testament to the slumping housing market, or as they say about foreclosures in Saginaw, “Folks abandoned they home.”

However, further investigation has shed light on potentially shady property dealings by John McCain, namely that Smith was bidding on his behalf.

Witness claims of fraudulent behavior by Mr. Mac are mounting fast, as nearly two dozen Saginawians say they personally witnessed McCain inspecting the property during a Michigan campaign stop in June.

“I seen that McCain looking at the house for over an hour – but maybe it was only a couple minutes – and maybe it was another house,” said Saginaw resident, Travis Henry. “I was pretty drunk that day.”

The McCain camp is refuting accusations of any wrongdoing, saying McCain owning any property in Saginaw would be impractical since he already owns homes in Sterling Heights and Kalamazoo.

“Do you have any clue how far up north Saginaw is?” Said McCain property manager, Tyler Donahue. “He’d freeze his bloody balls off living in Saginaw. Go get yourself a fucking map before you bring these kind of charges.”

Allegations began swirling after it was revealed earlier this week that McCain didn’t, in fact, own seven houses, but 47…now 48, if his ownership of the crack house in Saginaw is confirmed.

But some experts contend that media institutions are missing the point.

“It’s not a question of how many houses a man owns – shit, McCain could own every house in Sandusky, for all I care,” said Carl Crawford, lead statistician at the Washington think tank, People With Many Houses. “The true question is what the hell does McCain want with a decrepit, trick-infested crack house in Saginaw. Why, he could buy a meatball sandwich and increase his personal worth more than this.”

Democratic opposition research teams have been working for months to tie Senator McCain to several drug scandals across the county – ecstasy rings in Phoenix, amphetamine production in Marshalltown, his wife’s Vicodin and Percocet addiction, and now a crack hotel in Saginaw.

To Bill Watkins of, McCain’s alleged interest in an abandoned crack house makes perfect sense.

“To believe Senator McCain is involved with drugs isn’t entirely unfounded,” said Watkins. “If you just listen to the guy stutter and mumble, or hear that uncomfortable and nervous laugh, or see the way he’s always showing too much of his gums when he smiles, or that glazed look in his eyes – all the signs lead to one thing. We have a hunch it might be crack.”


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