Corrupting the News…
Americans gained some valuable insight into what the top priorities of a John McCain administration would be.
The outlook doesn’t look good for trick-or-treaters and the millions of Americans suffering from obesity.
When asked by mediator Tom Brokaw to list in order his top priorities should he become president, McCain said he would first attack health care, energy, and entitlement reform simultaneously, an improbable feat that had many shaking their heads in dismay.
But then the republican nominee went a step crazier, saying he would banish all “goodies” from the country.
This declaration triggered maniacal trepidation amongst youngsters and sweet-lovers nationwide, as they mistakenly interpreted the statement to mean McCain would ban candies and desserts.
“His choice of words really got him in some hot water – his balls have to be boiling right now” said political analyst, Tucker Williams. “You can say you’ll rid Washington of greed and corruption, and America will love you. Hell, you can even tell them you’ll cut education spending and still get elected. But when you fuck with someone’s cake and pie – that’s just not a vote you can count on anymore.”
The Obama camp pounced on the gaffe, releasing a statement that the democratic nominee plans to bolster domestic funding for research on Ho-Hos, Bon-Bons, and Zebra Cakes.
“Everybody knows Senator Obama loves chocolate-chip cookies,” said Obama spokesman, Daryl Hines. “He’s really a big fan of brownies, too, but not as much as he was in high school and college.”
The McCain campaign also released a statement in an attempt to ebb any further damage, however, the ripples sent by threatening to wrestle the truffle from America’s hands might prove unstoppable.
“Senator McCain has been known to eat an occasional animal cracker, and his wife pounds Oreos by the dozens,” the statement said. “But lets look at the facts – Senator Obama has voted against sweets and delicacies 94 times. America cannot afford a president as dangerous as Barack Obama in these dark and delicious times.”