McCain: Phiten necklace keeps me alive

Corrupting the News…

It appears John McCain is a rather superstitious man. He’s betting his life on voodoo.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today McCain told reporters that he would have been “old news” if not for his Phiten necklace, which stabilizes the electric flow nerves use to communicate actions to the body.

“Just look at me, look at this withered old body – was there any question I have some help,” he said, flossing the necklace to oohs and ahs of reporters. “I wouldn’t even be able to get my crusty balls out of bed in the morning if not for this technological miracle. It’s second to nothing, except maybe the Blackberry – which I, of course, invented.”

McCain claims Phiten necklaces keep him going

McCain: Phiten necklaces keep me going

Phiten necklaces – invented by Japanese quasi-doctor/scientist, Yoshihiro Hirata – are highly popular among athletes, who believe the magnetic circles grant them superhuman powers.

“John Daly, John Kruk, Kimbo Slice – they’re all big on this shit,” said Clyde Hopp, managing editor of Fake Medicine in Athletics. “It’s practically a necklace made out of drugs. It’s that awesome.”

Some experts question the plausibility of a necklace of tiny magnets having any actual effect on the body, calling claims of superhuman abilities gained through jewelry “absolutely preposterous.”

“You’re telling me I can put a necklace around my neck and prolong life or gain superhuman athletic abilities,” said Dr. Tom Braley. “Yeah, and I’m fucking Iron Man.”

Despite not having any substantial evidence that the necklaces work, the McCain campaign is having a Phiten necklace, earings, and bracelets made for Sarah Palin.

“Right now we need as much blood or electricity or whatever the hell it is flowing through that woman’s brain,” said McCain aide, Bill Bryer. “We need as much help as possible. Jewelry, voodoo, witchcraft – we’re exploring all options.”


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