Considering the News…
There’s a problem with the presidential debates – they’re boring as shit. It doesn’t matter what the format is, who’s moderating, or what topics are addressed – they’re boring as shit. It’s that simple.
National League baseball is more interesting. A 19-year-old college slacker stoned out of his gord and watching the shopping network is liable to exert more enthusiasm than the millions of “My 401K is fucked” Americans forced to devise arbitrary drinking games just to trudge through the first two Sunday school sessions the candidates bludgeoned our sanity with.
“McCain said ‘My friends’ – drink up, motherfucker!”
The vice-presidential debate was inherently interesting on account of the heated expectations of Sarah Palin falling on her Alaskan-fisherman-cock-smoking face…or whether Loquacious Joe would attack her like an evangelist condemning the whores at the 8th Street Asian massage parlor. That’s just good television.
However, we won’t be as privileged this time around. We have the monotonous maverick and his awkward laughs and disoriented attacks, making up economic policies as he goes along. We have the recently subdued messenger of hope endlessly portraying his steady presidential demeanor nobody figured he had, resisting the perpetual urge to break into a valiant oration of change.
And the American electorate suffers for it. Not only has watching the debates been more viciously dreadful than Sunday television the week after the Super Bowl, but seemingly half the channels broadcast them, leaving few outs.
Thus we must readdress the fundamental basics of what presidential debates are comprised of. Renegotiate the terms. Go back to the damn drawing board.
First, if a coin flip decides which candidate receives the first question, let’s manipulate such an approach for the delight of viewers. Before each question the candidates play a game of quarters to determine 1) Who takes a shot of Jameson and answers first 2) Who chugs a 24-ounce beer and follows up.
I figure by the time the moderator gets around to public education – assuming such a topic is ever discussed in this campaign – both candidates will be fucked out of their minds, creating a true test of who has the mental fortitude and bulging cajones to lead our nation.
Whenever a candidate exceeds his time limit, a practical certainty for every question, he is penalized by force of the beer bong. Should it take him longer than two seconds to suck it down, he sacrifices his next question altogether and sheds one garment of clothing.
The second 30 minutes of the debate will be entirely devoted to a senatorial game of “I’ve never”, where the candidates take turns calling out their opponent.
For instance, Obama might lead by saying, “In the senate I’ve never wasted 26 years doing absolutely dick about energy independence.” Then McCain rebuttals by saying something like, “In the senate I’ve never spent half my tenure dodging my duties while running for president.”
Considering both candidates will be drunk off their asses by this point, one would expect at least three fights to break out, which leads me to the next 30 minutes of the debate.
10 minutes for a Cindy McCain-Michelle Obama KY Jelly wrestling match. America deserves this. However, knowing that Michelle would easily manhandle the frail, germaphobic Cindy, she only gets to use her left arm. Fair is fair.
10 minutes for Barack and John to run the final gauntlet in American Gladiator. Although McCain is at a notable disadvantage here, it would be a prime opportunity for him to dismiss America’s concerns about him being old as fuck and near death, by merely completing the course. The odds and physical realities are against him, but so goes his run for the Oval Office.
The final 10 minutes of the debate will then go to audience questioning – with a savage twist.
In lieu of “I’m John Davis and I’d a like ta know what y’all’s stance is on medicare,” the audience participants will be permitted to ask the questions reasonable Americans really want to know.
“Barack, how often do you bang the misses? Five, six times a week?”
“John, when was the last time you had sex without any pharmaceutical assistance? 1983? 87 maybe?”
“Barack, have the words ‘I hate white people’ ever come out of your mouth?”
“John, what does the sentence ‘I’m crazy as shit’ mean to you?”
Such a debate format would definitely help television ratings, while also preserving the sanity and overall morale of tens of millions of Americans. It would afford the electorate a comprehensive opportunity to decide exactly which candidate they prefer. Simply put, it would be a damn good time.
My suggestions are merely a stepping stone. Let me know what I left out. What additional challenges should the candidates be put up against? Should fire be involved in any way? Strippers? The Pope?