Corrupting the News…
With the Halloween shenanigans nearly upon us, I suspect it’s high time we give some earnest thought to what costumes the candidates will be wearing to their sexy parties this weekend. I know, they’ll likely be much too busy pandering to the masses to even enjoy the festivities, but where would be as people without speculating about this type of shit every now and again?
John McCain: Well, according to Joe Biden, John McCain would make a damn fine President Bush. I’m not certain he can pull off the smirk and head nods, but simply wearing a suit and parading around with his voting record in hand would create a rather convincing illusion.
Runner up: The cowboy from the Village People. Wait, that whole “can’t raise his arms above his shoulders” would likely screw him on that ‘YMCA’ deal.
Third Place: A baby with pacifier and bonnet. Decent way to distract voters from his biggest flaw – being a rusty heart beat away from handing the presidency to Sarah Palin.
Barack Obama: Joe the Plumber. This simultaneously accomplishes two things: 1) Probably secures the most sought after vote in the country – that damn Joe Wurzelbacher. 2) Makes people think Obama really is an “average Joe” and thus dismisses any excuses for paranoid citizens who are reluctant to put a check mark next to the name “Barack Hussein Obama.
Runner up: George “The Ice Man” Gervin. Since Obama enjoys hooping it up on the basketball court, why not go as the silky smooth Ice Man. Just makes sense.
Third place: George W Bush. Halloween is synonymous with scary and freaky shit. What’s scarier and freakier than that…I’m even sweating right now just thinking about it.
Sarah Palin: A lawyer specializing in Constitutional Law. There’s nothing more endearing than a funny costume, and this would have the people rolling about wildly. Plus, it would boost her image for that big presidential run in 2012. You know, so it looks like she might have read a few lines of the Constitution at one time or another.
Runner up: A two-timing street-walking hustler. Wait a second…
Third place: Hillary Clinton. This would be McCain’s dream materializing right before our eyes, as Hillary’s ardent supporters scoot over to the right for this election. You didn’t actually think Palin was picked for her experience or governing abilities, did you?
Joe Biden: A silent nun. This would temporarily excuse him from running his mouth like the town drunk on a four-day bender after being laid off from the local coal mine. He might learn something from the experience.
Runner up: A mute. See above.
Third place: Sloth from The Goonies. He wouldn’t be able to say much except, “Heyyyyy, you guyyyyyys!” And everybody would love him for it. They would absolutely fucking love him for it.
…So there it is. My costume ideas for the candidates are laid out. What? You think I made some poor choices? Well, don’t just be a smug wise-ass – put yours down below. Let the ideas flow…