Monthly Archives: November 2008

Restoring the Fairness Doctrine – Rush Limbaugh moans self to sleep

Considering the News…

If they’re down, kick the rascals in the ribs – it’s the only means for solidifying a new social order.

Rush Limbaugh’s fat jaw has been jiggling with trepidation since the “far left” won the election and established a sizable advantage in both houses of congress. The pill-popping propagandist’s fears continue snowballing each broadcast, as he laments the restoration of the Fairness Doctrine and what terrible fate awaits his paranoia kingdom if such a nightmare comes true.

And why wouldn’t he be frightened – conservative talk radio has experienced unparalleled growth since the doctrine was abolished in 1987. 10-1! That’s the advantage these chatty fear-mongers and religionados have in the market, so it’s no surprise they’ve chomped their nails down to bloody stubs in recent months.

With Obama’s victory comes the appointment of a Democrat to the most influential post in the FCC – the chairman – as well as the highly influential five-person panel.

This would seemingly spell doom for the Limbaughs and Sean Hannitys of the world, yet there’s no evidence Obama even supports the Fairness Doctrine, let alone aims to re-establish its restrictive measures since it challenges aspects of the First Amendment. In fact, Limbaugh’s daily temper tantrums will ultimately prove a waste of raw energy and emotion…though, that’s nothing beyond the ordinary. That’s what talking heads do – stoke public outcries and watch the ratings soar.

Free hookers and booze will find the streets before “fairness” ever realistically hits the airwaves, yet the eventual move to “localism” could spawn a similarly daunting effect, as the FCC forms “community advisory boards” to determine whether a respective station is adequately addressing the public needs of local citizens, fining those that fail to meet the requisite standards (whatever those may be).

What will happen is the hardcore conservative areas (fewer and fewer of these black holes exist each year) will pass with the flying colors of a Cirque de Soleil acid trip, while the other 94 percent of the under-represented country will insist on more progressive programming.

And that sucks for Rush’s kingdom, where subordinates cower under beds with swords ready, listening attentively to the puppet master as he forecasts the imminent demise of everything American…BOO!

What Humpty neglects to address during his insufferable rants and tangents is that his own eventual fall from the wall won’t be the product of crazy liberal doctrines sweeping him away with a spurt of hocus pocus, but because more enlightened Americans are reaching for the dial each day, leaving the dick in a box to continue rambling on and on and on all by himself…

Either way, liberals and Fairness Doctrines won’t be the cause of conservative talk radio’s death – the temper, tone and content already does a damn fine job killing off its own creators.

The paranoia kingdom goes up in smoke

The paranoia kingdom goes up in smoke

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President Bush pardons 14 – The real juice awaits

Considering the News…

Georgie boy shocked the world by granting 14 Presidential pardons and two sentence commutations – not because of the sheer number or inherent malice behind the execused crimes, but because the list lacks the blockbuster ringers we particularly expect from such a surreptitious and unapologetic man.

This list simply begs one question: Where the hell’s the juice, George? Give us something, for Chrissake.

The yawn-inducing roll call of elementary crimes reads more like a high school suspension log than a catalogue rife with heinous, wicked crimes against humanity. Why break the news of these pardons unless offering a long list of society-crippling acts glorified in movies but unimaginable to the common, sensible citizenry?

Bank embezzlement?

Income tax evasion?

Unauthorized aquisition of food stamps? Food stamps?

Improper storage and disposal of toxic waste?

Violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act?

Conspiracy to distribute cocaine and Ricky Williams’ personal stash? (Old college buddy from Yale?)

Aiding and abetting the theft of government property? (Cheney and the Haliburton posse?)

George better beef up the list before exiting stage right, lest he desires the long-lasting classification of “America’s biggest Pussy-elect.” I don’t think he does. No, I’m compelled to believe we’ll soon see the most repulsive collection of “Get out of jail free” cards since Ford, when he said all was well and forgotten with that crook Nixon.

This limited sample is but an unsatisfying taste of what awaits us. Yes sir, George’s last day in office will blow more minds than LSD did in the 60s. The pre-emptive pardons will clear the names of every war criminal that wreaked havoc under his rein…It’s going to be a damn long list, too.

The 140 pardons granted by Clinton on his last day will be a sack of dusty seeds next to the bewildering fields of crookedness George will soon sow before the public’s eyes. Executive privilege will be invoked many times, as he execuses his own self from any explanations or motives. It’s going to be some scandalous shit, but at least we’ll get a little juice.

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China hates on Guns N’ Roses – Americans applaud China

Considering the News…

The ruling Communist Party of China has a thorn up its ass, and it goes by the name Guns N’ Roses. We should then expect some form of attack, for one is surely imminent. Not an attack on America as a whole, but specifically that greasy bandanna-rocking clown Axl…I imagine Slash is under siege just the same.

GNR’s highly-anticipated album Chinese Democracy is just too free spirited for the paranoid erectors of mysterious walls, as the state sponsored Global Times denounced the mildly provocative album of, “venomously attacking,” the rising superpower.

Thus record sales of the 14-year project (GNR began production of the sure-fire classic in 1994) will suffer to no end in China…mostly because it will be outlawed…but also because the Chinese aren’t stupid.

Communism must fry a black, charred trail through the vulnerable pastures of one’s mind, but I suspect the perceptions of reality are not so devastated and damaged to the point its victims are forever incapable of classifying shitty music when they hear it.

So while it’s imperative we commend the Chinese government for rejecting this lame musical offering from society, I fear the move was quite unnecessary – no matter how many democratically inspired lyrics grace the album’s songs, freedom lyrics aren’t saving this album, or band, either way.

Axl scares the Chinese...among others

Axl scares the Chinese...among others

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Hannity and Colmes part ways – No reports of violence

Considering the News…

Alan Colmes is leaving Sean Hannity. The relationship became too nasty and abusive for the limp Colmes to endure yet another year of savage beatings and taunts and black eyes, so he’s filing his papers and seeking some much needed psychiatric attention – a well deserved respite if I’ve ever seen one.

The 12-year marriage will officially dissolve at the year’s end, when Colmes leaves to “pursue other creative projects” within the Republican National Committee’s official network, Fox News. The loan liberal on a star studded station of neo-cons and Bushites will reportedly continue contributing on his radio show and a new weekend pilot, however, his days of verbal sparring with that smug and pretentious Hannity shall be no more.

Which is rather sad when you reminisce on all the good times they’ve had, launching vicious attacks at one another’s party ideology and coming close to blows on numerous occasions. Colmes was vastly outnumbered, the entire network against him, yet somehow managed to hold his own. Thus I’m saddened by the thought of him leaving the show without ever having jammed a dull, lead pencil into Hannity’s right eye.

Too many opportunities escaped him, and I clearly recall at least 300 moments of unbridled Hannity condescension when I said, “This is it, this is when that little pussy Colmes finally stabs that cock Hannity in the goddamn eye with a dull, lead pencil. This is it!”

But it never happened. And now Colmes is calling it quits while turning in his badge and pocket protector.

Damn.

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

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The Obese – Two people or people, too?

Considering the News…

Fat people are people, too – that’s just accepted science. Perhaps they suffer inconveniences and alienation unknown to the rest, but pound for pound they are just as human as their undersized brethren.

However, now those afflicted by clapping man titties, cottage cheese thighs, and bubbling and bulging waist lines will be considered more than mere people. They are now super people…Yes, super people with the rights of two citizens.

You see, the Canadian Supreme Court (in the most perplexing of all rulings) has concluded each ass cheek should be given equal rights, at least when it comes to traveling on commercial jets. Therefore, Canadian airlines must now sell the extraordinarily healthy folks two seats for the price of one, if, of course, their bloated asses cannot comfortably fit into seats fitted for the common man.

Wow. Fucking wow. I am an ardent supporter of all things equality, but this is downright egregious. The skinny man gets the long, cold and rigid shaft, as his chubby counterparts reap the benefits of luxury seating on account of their inflated rumps trumping standard seat sizes.

That’s just fucking crazy. And it’s only the first step in a long and dirty trend that will unfold as people get fatter and more pissed off about it. If fat people are getting away with this today (given it’s only Canada) then we can only imagine what startling perks they will be rewarded in the coming decades.

The little man better bulk up now. Double Whoppers for everyone. Skinny folks can’t afford to fall behind. There’s too much riding on it. The porkers of the world have spoken, and they now hold all the cards. And apparently all the seats, too.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's TWO fucking people!

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's TWO fucking people!

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Innocent turkey slaughtered – Best Sarah Palin interview yet

Considering the News…

My esteemed, albeit irrational and afflicted, colleague I.M. Fletcher brought this remarkable video to my attention. While I’m sure I would have stumbled across it in time, it brings me greater joy knowing this priceless entertainment came from such an appreciative source.  

Sarah Palin has endured seismic humiliation since slithering into the limelight, mostly due to her utter stupidity and mind-boggling ability to slaughter the English language with every sentence (or attempt at a sentence) she speaks.

While conducting a nice little local interview and sounding surprisingly more coherent and relevant than we are accustomed to hearing, the curious eye cannot help but gaze directly at the worker giving a turkey the business in the background. Which likely explains why this is the best performance offered hitherto by the Alaskan moosetress – your mind can’t process a word she says. All you can do is stare, mesmerized, as the poor turkey’s head is grinded brutally to a pulp in the distance.

The worker seems quite pleased with his own performance – and I commend him for it.

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On again, off again – the Clinton-Obama power saga

Considering the news…

These two clowns are worse than Whitney and Bobby Brown. One day they’re cuddling on the campaign trail, unforced smiles and waves for the camera, only to abandon the bond 36 hours later, projecting fictitious distance and autonomy while confusing the shit out of people.

Which is what makes this Clinton-Obama political love affair and political warfare so addicting for everyone watching – even more so for the enamored fiends who have followed this combative grudge match through each fiery day of the last two years. This is Ali-Frazier, except now archenemies are teaming up for the good of mankind…or so it seems.hillary-clinton-barack-obama-new-hampshire

Barack needs the Clintons and the Clintons need him, but I’ll be damned if any of them openly admits as much. When the situation requires one of them to suck it up and offer an endorsement of sorts, such lines are visibly forced from their mouths, a look of contempt and agitation dominates their eyes and expression.

Thus there are some parts admiration and some parts hatred in this ongoing feud, with the latter winning out most times. Especially now that Barack is offering Clinton a piece of the action in his race to history.  

Hillary knows 2016 is a painful and impossible dream, so accepting Barack’s Secretary of State invitation is her last and best shot at some feable grasp of glory. Her downplaying the position, posing an auro of pseudo-disinterest and snobby foolishness, is a farmer selling a dead donkey as a prized bull because no one’s buying that shit. She just wants it to seem as though Barack needs her more, like he’s pining for her love and affection, like she’s that piece of Grade-A ass he got back in college and has been fantasizing about everyday since.

And he is. He desires the most talented minds to be in his company – yet sometimes prodigious minds bring a circus of tricks and jokers along with them on tour. With Hillary on board, Barack’s mission  will be to continually convince everyone he’s, in fact, the almighty ring leader and that some gross mutation won’t spawn a third Clinton term somehow.

By inviting Hillary (and thus Slick Willie) into the administration, Obama realizes the power sacrifice he’s conceding – he’s far too strategic and observant not to. However, by letting this offer flutter in the stale air of cable news commentary for the past week, Obama has once again turned the attention away from himself and onto the Clintons, the kind of maneuver that ultimately seized momentum toward winning the nomination, when media personalities lodged their heads in the trash and spent a week questioning Bill’s admiration for candidates of color, forgetting there was even a blasted race going on in the background.

And it’s a brilliant diversion on Barack’s part. There’s a feel that he wants Hillary but doesn’t need Hillary. The way it should be, for it takes a trailer park of great people for an administration to succeed in the eyes of present day thinkers. Historians, on the other hand, generally remember only one name when writing the books of presidential blunders and glories. No matter what happens, Barack better make sure it’s his name on the cover.

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