Considering the News…
I’m making a bold prediction right now – this will be the worst Christmas in the history of man. Indeed, this holiday season is going to be one jock-thrashing disappointment after another, as a piss-poor economy means half as many gifts under the tree, perhaps even less than that. (Note: for those households not fortunate enough to have any gifts in previous years, expect the status quo).
For the rest of you, brace yourselves for the worst. By “worst” I naturally mean an abundance of sweaters, socks, and white tee-shirts. Expect unexplainable and obviously pre-owned gifts, like deformed picture frames, full-grown plants, half-dead plants, deodorant featuring random hairs, gift certificates to restaurants defunct since 2002, Pezz dispensers with the Pezz already in it, and windshield scrapers with half the brush bristles already frayed.
It’s going to be that brutal. Many will wish for February before the college football bowl season is even half over. Some might even pretend Christmas just isn’t coming this year. Many children will be confused, having previously believed the shitload of sweet gifts was an every year affair. Well, I got news for the no-good spoiled brats of the world – it’s not. When good-paying jobs are going out of style, cutting the fat is the only way to get by.
For those privileged few who believe devastation awaits everyone but you this December, here’s a little needle to sit your fat ass on. That Guitar Hero: World Tour you’re planning on rocking out to in your closed-foot jammies? It’s sold out, fucker.
Or that Wii Fitness you assumed would help carve that lumpy and bloated figure back down to your old fighting weight? There’s a better chance one of the Cheetah Girls takes pictures of her sweet, naked rump, uploads them on her computer, proceeds to leave that computer in an airport, the computer is found, then infiltrated, and the result is the pictures coming to the Internet for the enjoyment of every heterosexual male with five minutes and Wi-Fi.
Hmm. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will find its way into the lives of the lucky few with the audacity to believe. This might not be such a disastrous holiday season after all.