Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…

The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.

Palin has spent the past week doing one media interview after another, refusing to freely say what everyone already knows is coming, “Heck ya I’m running in two thousand and twelve – you betcha!” Which is fine by me. She can parade the Wasilla Five (Six including Todd) around the country all she wants, but claiming God as a political adviser has passed the point of disturbing.

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in a Fox News interview. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

(Note: That is a verbatim Palin quote – no comedic alterations needed.)

Anyhow, I cannot claim to comprehend the ways of the Almighty Power, but some assumptions – no matter how unusual – can be easily made.

1. God didn’t give you that Academy Award, so quit crying, quit thanking him, and give some props to the 400 people who grinded out 100-hour weeks for 3 months to make sure your untalented ass could claim such a prize.

2. God simply grants unexplainable breaks to some sports teams and not others, but there’s no reasoning behind it…otherwise the Cubs, Clippers, and Cardinals (NFL) would have caught one or two over the last grueling century.

3. God is present in more prison cells than confession booths. Don’t believe me? Then consider how many inmates have found Jesus and how many priests have found the zipper on little Timmy’s Wrangler Jeans.

4. God doesn’t need the repeated shout-outs when you’re grinding in the love sack. He knows what you’re doing. He knows exactly what you’re doing. And if it isn’t strictly for reproductive purposes, or if it in anyway involves the phrase “Hey, I picked up this KY the other day, let’s try something new,” then you likely won’t be seeing Him in the after life.

5. God plays little to no role in Presidential elections. He’s already afforded the majority of American citizens the gift of rational thought, therefore, His main role is mostly as an amused spectator.

So sorry, Sarah, that door you keep referring to is already slammed shut. And if you don’t believe me, then perhaps you should concede already and let Todd breakout that KY he picked up a few weeks back. Then you’ll see.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

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1 Comment

Filed under Dirty Politics

One response to “Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

  1. Brian Stewart

    God did give her some set of legs though.

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