Monthly Archives: November 2008

Joe the Plumber and Joe the Victim

Considering the News…

Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.

Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash in search of the mucky sludge on which the American machine runs? Is there no shame funneling through the veins of these atrocious gossip-mongers?

Well, I say someone owes poor Joe an apology. Or at least a damn convincing explanation, something the seedy and conniving Helen Jones-Kelley couldn’t offer her superior, however. The Department of Job and Family Services director faltered miserably when asked to explain these 18 unwarranted checks, and now Gov. Ted Strickland is in her ass hardcore, suspending HJK for a month sans pay.

Oooh-weeee that’s justice!

But not for poor Joe the Plumber, who will never again know dignity. The humiliation cost the 48K-a-year man a chance at one day owning that shiny plumbing company on the hill. Now he wallows and whines his way into the night, with nothing but a book deal and potential country music record to rely on. I fear I may never understand the purpose of life’s harsh unfairness.

You deserve better, Joe.

You deserve better, Joe.

Leave a comment

Filed under Dirty Politics

The spicy battle between 50 Cent and Taco Bell

Considering the News…

There’s beef and beans between 50 Cent and Taco Bell. Expect corpses to start piling up because this feud could get nasty in the streets. Many will parish. Bloodied chalupas scattered in the hood.

The lisp-riddled rapper is pissed at the Tex-Mex giant because the latter hoped he might consider temporarily changing his name to 79 Cent or 89 Cent or even – you ready for this shit? – 99 Cent to spearhead an unprecedented marketing campaign bringing hip hop and crappy Mexican food together at last.

Well, this clearly challenged a “gangsta’s” street cred, and now Curtis “Can’t Act” Jackson is seeking mad paper for trademark infringment. Ok. So this gangster ass rapper will embarrass himself on the big screen and pimp diluted vitamin piss water, but he’s worried that hawking tacos is going to diminish his reputation. Whatever you say. Stay hood, buddy.

50 Cent and his gangster ass homie

50 Cent and his gangster ass homie

6 Comments

Filed under I Don't Believe It!

Auto Giants seek bailout – As do I

Considering the News…

The three stooges of Detroit are dead broke and need money to pay the bookies and dealers. Don’t we all. This debilitating epidemic of corporate bailouts will soon bring about the death of failure. Worries will cease to exist, as CEOs realize the government prefers Nintendo world to these savage realities.

Oh, your stock died? Fuck it, here’s some cash, just restart the game and don’t screw it up this time. Jesus, you fucked up again. Whatever, here’s some more cash. Try harder this time.

Indeed, the American business world is devolving into a college dorm room, where bong hits for Jesus blur the tedious line between failure and a fresh slate. It’s disconcerting, but who the hell didn’t love freshman year?

So rather than waste even an ounce of the energy or spirit I will undoubtedly need later in life, I will save the verbal crucifixions of the auto industry for another time. If they want more money to build even more of the antiquated gas-guzzlers that no one is buying and never will, then who am I to suggest they embrace the evolving technologies of the industry. Lord knows Toyota isn’t begging for cheddar.

Instead I will wholeheartedly welcome the welfare tactics that aim to undermine the working man’s motivation. If I haven’t yet failed with the best of them, thus necessitating the need for a healthy government check, then perhaps my mission should be forming a coalition of failures to strengthen this lone voice of need.

There is power in numbers. The government won’t consider the bailout of one man, only that of many. If you’re unemployed, broke, and in need, then the government shall be your savior. If you’re gainfully employed but have grown weary of the daily grind, so too shall you find salvation in the undeserved riches of our lords in Washington. There’s bailout checks to be had. Everyone can cash in. Now is our time to say fuck it and start over.

3 Comments

Filed under I Don't Believe It!

Spitzer prostitute sits down with Diane Sawyer – Hilarity ensues

Considering the News…

Diane Sawyer’s tireless tentacles have slithered around yet another monumental catch, and this one smells like an epic tale.

Eliot Spitzer’s high-class whore wants to open up the forbidden satchel of naughty memories, and who better to lob the juicy questions than the great Sawyer. Damn, this should be a show!

You see, Sawyer has scraped a bottomless cradle of closed minds – world leaders, iconic Hollywood skanks, crooked politicians, gifted thinkers, transcendent beings, J-Lo’s horse ass, the whole bucket of slop – but the numbing monotony can never rival the sheer pleasure derived from watching a true sex goddess ratting out her slaves.

Diane admires J-Lo's rack of lamb

Diane admires J-Lo's rack of lamb

Not that I don’t sympathize with Spitzer. The man was doing a commendable job and he was well respected, yet occasionally the unrelenting instincts of man seem to require some form of strange satisfaction. However, this is what comes with getting caught freelancing in these conflicted and hypocritical times.

Indeed, I would freely wage a thousand dollars that at least eight people on set during the filming have tickled a neighbor or two or twelve, like the great Sawyer herself!

And yet I’d wager another thousand that none of those affairs was with an upper-class call girl pulling down 6 six figures a year. Spitzer at least has some freaking standards.

The Spitzers realize monogamy awaits them both

The Spitzers realize monogamy awaits them both

1 Comment

Filed under I Don't Believe It!

Secret Palin doodles illustrate her confused nature – Charles Manson prevails

Considering the News…

The recent discovery of Sarah Palin’s secret doodles, drawn during her time on the Wasilla City Council in 1996, clearly illustrate the confusion that has forever plagued this woman’s mind. This doodle was originally sketched by the Alaskan artist to adequately exhibit her qualifications for public office. This serves as evidence that those reasons were just as confusing and chaotic then as they are now.palindoodles1

 

Here, by contrast, is a doodle done by President Warren G. Harding, one of the country’s biggest political travesties. While the artist doesn’t offer us much substance, we cannot easily dismiss the clarity and depth of his vision. That vision is evidently of throwing a handful of shit against a brick wall…Well, a first-year art student would be satisfied with this art deco effort nonetheless.

 

4_dood_harding_warren_g_art_deco

 

And lastly we have this doodle done by Charles Manson while awaiting trial for his heinous crimes. Observers must appreciate the self-image he projected – the duality of man, if you will. Alright, alright, we’re stretching it here. But it somehow seemed oddly fitting for these three pieces to come together as a definitive statement on the doodles offered to us by some of America’s most disappointing citizens.doodle1

Leave a comment

Filed under Dirty Politics

Lance Armstrong fears attack – French people still crazy

Considering the News…

Word on the bike trail is the French are going to unleash the fury on Lance Armstrong next summer, when the 7-time Tour de France champion emerges from retirement in a quest for yet another title.

Armstrong has expressed his fear of being brutalized by a pack of crazed frogs, who he evidently  believes are all foaming at the mouth, eager to get a lick or two on him. Armstrong falsely imagines that the French, who hate all Americans, hate him the most on account of his dominance in their silly, shitty little race.

This story naturally means two things…

1) The French are in serious need of a new passion. When only wine and bicycling get you out of bed in the morning, one should consider grabbing a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Xanax, and a .44 Magnum. A memorable afternoon surely awaits any man or woman (even the French) brandishing those mind-blowing items.

2) Lance Armstrong is crazy as shit. This paranoid and newly inspired version of Armstrong should not be allowed in or on anything that moves faster than 6 mph. Not until his sanity returns and the illusions of 700-pound vultures chasing him through the desert disappear. His mind is moving much too fast these days. And going to France again cannot be the answer.

Would a sane man agree to this?

Would a sane man agree to this?

2 Comments

Filed under I Don't Believe It!

President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.

2 Comments

Filed under Dirty Politics