Category Archives: Corrupting the News

Halloween Costumes for the Candidates

Corrupting the News…

With the Halloween shenanigans nearly upon us, I suspect it’s high time we give some earnest thought to what costumes the candidates will be wearing to their sexy parties this weekend. I know, they’ll likely be much too busy pandering to the masses to even enjoy the festivities, but where would be as people without speculating about this type of shit every now and again?

John McCain: Well, according to Joe Biden, John McCain would make a damn fine President Bush. I’m not certain he can pull off the smirk and head nods, but simply wearing a suit and parading around with his voting record in hand would create a rather convincing illusion.

Runner up: The cowboy from the Village People. Wait, that whole “can’t raise his arms above his shoulders” would likely screw him on that ‘YMCA’ deal.

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

Third Place: A baby with pacifier and bonnet. Decent way to distract voters from his biggest flaw – being a rusty heart beat away from handing the presidency to Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama: Joe the Plumber. This simultaneously accomplishes two things: 1) Probably secures the most sought after vote in the country – that damn Joe Wurzelbacher. 2) Makes people think Obama really is an “average Joe” and thus dismisses any excuses for paranoid citizens who are reluctant to put a check mark next to the name “Barack Hussein Obama.

Runner up: George “The Ice Man” Gervin. Since Obama enjoys hooping it up on the basketball court, why not go as the silky smooth Ice Man. Just makes sense.

Nobody's smoother than the Ice Man - except maybe Obama

Nobody is smoother than the Ice Man...Barack maybe?

Third place: George W Bush. Halloween is synonymous with scary and freaky shit. What’s scarier and freakier than that…I’m even sweating right now just thinking about it.

Sarah Palin: A lawyer specializing in Constitutional Law. There’s nothing more endearing than a funny costume, and this would have the people rolling about wildly. Plus, it would boost her image for that big presidential run in 2012. You know, so it looks like she might have read a few lines of the Constitution at one time or another.

Runner up: A two-timing street-walking hustler. Wait a second…

Third place: Hillary Clinton. This would be McCain’s dream materializing right before our eyes, as Hillary’s ardent supporters scoot over to the right for this election. You didn’t actually think Palin was picked for her experience or governing abilities, did you?

Joe Biden: A silent nun. This would temporarily excuse him from running his mouth like the town drunk on a four-day bender after being laid off from the local coal mine. He might learn something from the experience.

Runner up: A mute. See above.

Third place: Sloth from The Goonies. He wouldn’t be able to say much except, “Heyyyyy, you guyyyyyys!” And everybody would love him for it. They would absolutely fucking love him for it.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

…So there it is. My costume ideas for the candidates are laid out. What? You think I made some poor choices? Well, don’t just be a smug wise-ass – put yours down below. Let the ideas flow…

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Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

Considering the News…

Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain – many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how tough he is with a gun

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

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Will Bush endorse Obama?

Considering the News…

It’s getting tougher and tougher for Obama to make the case that “A John McCain presidency would be four more years of the Bush White House.” Hell, it might just be McCain’s campaign theme the final weeks heading into the election, with Obama as the apparent continuation of the unpopular lame duck prick from Texas.

Yet another former Bush lacky has latched onto the Obama wagon of hope, and it appears even Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby could be stumping for him within days.

Former Bush press secretary, Scott McClellan, didn’t exactly shock the world with his endorsement of Obama, for his Bush-bashing book spelled the end of his role in W’s reign of terror months ago. However, it does highlight just how badly the country wants to move in a new direction, so much so two former Bush officials have crossed parties in less than a week.

To assert such endorsements could have been possible even 4 years ago would be utterly ridiculous, like Lindsey Lohan advocating abstinence.

So who’s next? Condi? Dick? The First Lady? Bush himself?

I wouldn’t bet on any of them. Nor would I bet on anyone with adequate brain functioning ever possibly buying the absurdities McCain’s been trumpeting about being the candidate who will bring about actual change in Washington.

Not when your own party members see it for the crockpot of bubbling shit that it is. Not when your idea of change means courting around an Alaskan power-mongering farce who can’t even dress herself. Not when you’ve been frequenting Washington cocktail parties for 26 years, rubbing elbows and trading favors with the same bloodthirsty lobbyists you’d supposedly go after if elected.

Not when your name is John McCain and everybody agrees your record is commendable, but your yellow and bloodshot eyes illuminate the greedy and vindictive truth that has been your work, your life, your being.

Not when the country is ready for something new.

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Nixon, Rove and Giuliani – A Political Poker Game in Hell

Considering the News…

Richard Nixon has two seats saved in Hell for Karl Rove and Rudy Giuliani. The bastards plan to smoke cigars, shoot guns and trade pots, cackling it up as they compare stories of political warfare. Might even play some darts afterwards.

Nixon and Rove would naturally dominate the conversation, slapping each other on the back each time one trumped the other. We can only pray the twisted, god-spiting nature of these ruthless leaders of the Distinguished League of Political Crooks is never replicated again. Pure evil plagues their spirits. Straight from the devil’s boiling cauldron of fear and hate.

“I broke into Watergate and damn near got away with it,” Nixon grunts. “That goddamn Forrest Gump and those two clowns from the Washington Post fucked it all up!”

“Yeah, well you see what I did to that son of bitch John McCain before the South Carolina primary in 2000?” Rove responds. “Took that straight out of LBJ’s play book. The only democrat to contribute anything worth a damn the whole twentieth century.”

And Giuliani wouldn’t have shit to say. The glib little punk just sits on his hands and smirks. Laughing at all of Mean Dick’s lame and misogynistic jokes, asking if he requires another scotch. Asking Rove if he can iron his shirt and polish his undercarriage again.

Because Giuliani’s never been more than a political hack whose ambition exceeds his competence and balls, having only won the NYC mayorship because nobody else was stupid or egotistical enough to take on such a doomed mission. Whatever power he might have fancied himself to boast was never worth much, because even his closest comrades knew his word wasn’t worth shit.

But now I’m not so sure. After reading about his disgusting robocall on the Huffington Post I now suspect little Rudy might indeed be as evil and shameless as the best of them (worst of them, I suppose).

We always knew the words oozing through his insufferable lisp were imbued with some venomous substance, yet the exact elements seemed to always elude us.

Now we know.

His despicable being is comprised of a lethal cocktail of East River sewer water, pure ethanol, a gallon of putrid stomach bile, and a half-cup of Nixon’s piss. Not the kind of toxic chemicals you want around the house. It eats you alive. Full-grown men don’t stand a chance, let alone the children and the elderly.

So consider this a kind warning: steer clear of Giuliani and anyone who speaks his name with a straight face. No good can come of it. Not when smug Rudy is behind the plot.

Actual message from Rudy Giuliani:

“Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I’m calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It’s true, I read Obama’s words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals — trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can’t trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.”

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McCain: Phiten necklace keeps me alive

Corrupting the News…

It appears John McCain is a rather superstitious man. He’s betting his life on voodoo.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today McCain told reporters that he would have been “old news” if not for his Phiten necklace, which stabilizes the electric flow nerves use to communicate actions to the body.

“Just look at me, look at this withered old body – was there any question I have some help,” he said, flossing the necklace to oohs and ahs of reporters. “I wouldn’t even be able to get my crusty balls out of bed in the morning if not for this technological miracle. It’s second to nothing, except maybe the Blackberry – which I, of course, invented.”

McCain claims Phiten necklaces keep him going

McCain: Phiten necklaces keep me going

Phiten necklaces – invented by Japanese quasi-doctor/scientist, Yoshihiro Hirata – are highly popular among athletes, who believe the magnetic circles grant them superhuman powers.

“John Daly, John Kruk, Kimbo Slice – they’re all big on this shit,” said Clyde Hopp, managing editor of Fake Medicine in Athletics. “It’s practically a necklace made out of drugs. It’s that awesome.”

Some experts question the plausibility of a necklace of tiny magnets having any actual effect on the body, calling claims of superhuman abilities gained through jewelry “absolutely preposterous.”

“You’re telling me I can put a necklace around my neck and prolong life or gain superhuman athletic abilities,” said Dr. Tom Braley. “Yeah, and I’m fucking Iron Man.”

Despite not having any substantial evidence that the necklaces work, the McCain campaign is having a Phiten necklace, earings, and bracelets made for Sarah Palin.

“Right now we need as much blood or electricity or whatever the hell it is flowing through that woman’s brain,” said McCain aide, Bill Bryer. “We need as much help as possible. Jewelry, voodoo, witchcraft – we’re exploring all options.”

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McCain downplays Tony Romo injury…says Cowboys still the favorites

Corrupting the News…

John McCain still has his money on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl.

Despite losing starting quarterback, Tony Romo, for up to a month with a broken pinky on his throwing hand, the republican presidential nominee told reporters Monday that “the fundamentals of the Dallas Cowboys are still strong,” and that he “expects big things out of Jessica Simpson’s man.”

“The Cowboys represent America, that’s why they’re America’s team,” McCain said. “You look at their jerseys, and cheerleaders, and their players, and their owner, and their cheerleaders, and that’s what you see – main street America.”

When asked to comment on the disruptions caused by volatile personalities like Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones, McCain continued the America metaphor.

“You visit the inner city neigborhoods of some of our most impoverished cities and that’s what you see – jackass clowns like that,” he said. “Not that I’ve seen it personally, that’s just what you hear. But me? I avoid those areas like the goddamn plague. Never go. Why? They aren’t voting for me anyway. Fuck ’em.”

The Obama campaign pounced on the McCain quote, saying it was the economy all over again.

I'm the coolest thing ever!

I'm the greatest ever!

“John McCain comes out and says the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and then Wall Street goes down like a lame hooker,” said Obama spokeswoman, Sharon Felt. “Now he says the Cowboys are still favorites, even though Romo’s hand is fucked worse than O.J. The man obviously has no freaking clue of what’s going on in the world around him.”

Tony Romo, who broke the pinky Sunday while getting crushed for the twentieth time by the Arizona Cardinals, said he appreciated McCain’s support in these dark times.

“That’s really neat that a man who could be president is thinking about little old me,” Romo said. “You know what’s also neat? That I’m bangin’ Jessica Simpson and everybody thinks I’m the greatest thing ever. Which they should. Because I am.”

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