Category Archives: Dirty Politics

Obama to limit executive bonuses – Plus, why high-class prostitution will suffer

Considering the News…

As the financial crisis paralyzes every industry not specializing in online pornography, ill-timed is President Obama’s audacious plan to limit executive bonuses for companies receiving “exceptional assistance” under the bailout program.

A closer glimpse into this seedy plan only further illustrates how downright silly his shameless middle-class pandering has become.

No secret is it the extravagant taste of these very executives is solely responsible for keeping the luxury industries afloat – so what could possibly compel Obama to risk undermining this sector of the market at such a time?

Why, who will buy the $100 lobster dinners should this plan come to fruition? Or the private jets! How can that industry realistically survive if General Motors has merely one jet instead of five?

Caviar, yachts, private golf clubs, exotic beauty products, Oliver Goldsmith sunglasses, Stefano Bemer shoes – I ask you, Mr. President, where will the customers come from if under-performing executives of collapsing corporations fail to receive outrageous and undeserved compensation?

And this is to say nothing of the high-class prostitution business! Where will the next great generation of lawyers and doctors come from if aspiring professionals cannot fund graduate school because the underground service industry went belly up?

Obama and the Dream Team Circus claim to boast a myriad of fantastic tricks to bewilder the eye and wow the crowd – but this particular performance, I am afraid to say, is incredibly underwhelming, unrewarding, and greatly lacking both theme and direction.

Back to the dressing room, Good sir, the audience is getting rather anxious.

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Rod Blagojevich: Public Menace, National Hero, or Both? Plus a brief list of things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor and renowned public ass Rod Blagojevich fancies himself to be somewhat of a hero.

Actually, that statement does him no justice whatsoever. Many apologies to his family for selling the man so short.

He fancies himself to be one of the most prolific and undeniably great heroes in American history – make that world history while we’re at it – a stalwart supporter of due process, civil liberties, and everything that is right and just in the universe.

This righteous man, one of the humblest you could hope to meet,  freely compares himself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi. Yes, I know. That Ghandi.

And rightly so.  These fine gentlemen were imprisoned for their persistence and pursuit of spreading revolutionary ideals. Blago is being impeached for corruption.

These profound men inspired millions, spawned mass movements and permanently transformed antiquated public opinions. Blago sacrificed his dignity so late night talk show hosts might never again suffer a shortage of hair jokes.

These selfless men endured the brutal wrath of millions, faced endless death threats, and bared the burden of so many, all in hopes of leaving behind a more tolerant world. Blago skipped the opening of his Senate impeachment hearings to go on “The View” and condemn unfair trials to Barbara Walters.

Because Rod Blagojevich is a veritable man of the people. Always has been, really.

“I’m talking to Americans to let them know what’s happening in the land of Lincoln,” he said so valiantly. “If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you.”

Transcendent words from a brilliant man. If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you. Any of you!

That most Americans never have the opportunity to appoint a U.S. Senator doesn’t undermine his point, it reinforces it.

That most Americans have never been caught on federal wiretaps attempting to sell such an appointment to the highest bidder doesn’t compromise his defense, it only endears him to the state senators charged by the citizens of Illinois to deliver a fair verdict.

There is much to learn from the Rod Blagojevich saga. Thoughts on traditional common sense and ethics have been forever altered.  For that we must thank the man. Even if he is no hero, he is still the delusional ass with a silly haircut who reminded Americans that a free market doesn’t necessarily mean everything is for sale. Just one more thing to teach my kids one day.

Things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market (In order of my learning them):

1. Anything belonging to my sister, with extra emphasis on her internal organs.

2. Any automobile not immediately belonging to me, with extra emphasis on automobiles rightfully owned by my parents.

3. Any small child, with extra emphasis on children entrusted to you by parents paying for services from the daycare you may or may not be employed at.

4. Any sexual favors, with extra emphasis on favors you are not readily willing to perform but are eagerly awaiting to be performed by women you may or may not have met on random street corners.

5. Any federal appointments, with extra emphasis on any federal appointment discussed in a room where federal wiretaps may or may not be present.

As is always the case, this list is amendable at any time. Thanks again for your submission, Rod.

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Bush vacates the White House, a terribly sad sun sets

Considering the News…

President Bush is back in Crawford, Texas, the sun having set at last on his memorable and abundantly eventful presidency. It’s back to civilian life, back to making trivial decisions that affect no one of interest.

Done are the presidential press conferences that inspired the collective cheers of so many Americans, all lauding his fine leadership while saying, “Just look at the truth spray from the glorious fountain that is his blessed mouth.”

Gone are the nightly compliments paid by popular late night talk show hosts, who so often honored President Bush with flattering Top Ten lists illustrating his competence and valor, or featured unforgettable clips from his valiant speeches, inevitably comparing him with the prolific orators who preceded him to the Oval Office.

Evaporated is the comforting notion of unchallenged national security, impregnable to the venomous terrorists hellbent on sowing America’s terrible doom, forever ready to sweep up any suspicious rogue who attempted to board the wrong plane or make the wrong cell phone call.

Lost is the simple honesty and crystal transparency of the Executive Branch, where Bush devoted the entirety of his eight years to illuminating to us common Americans the duties and privileges of this uncommon office, incidentally proving formidable leaders are never compromised by arrogance, stubbornness, or hubris.

Ended are the jovial bonds forged in the Bush administration, a successful experimentation in which friends and close colleagues worked intimately together to achieve the monumental, dismissing the antiquated sentiment that only a hodgepodge of so-called experts can propell the country to unbridled prosperity.

The nation, and thus the world, is much different today. A queer and unsettling feeling looms. Can our country survive without George W. Bush, the man who so cautiously overlooked our armed forces and national pocketbook with prudence and due diligence, the Commander-in-Chief who sacrificed his own passion, familial grudges, and personal agenda for the betterment of his treasured country?

No one can be certain. The future looks grim, with only a hint of sunshine gleaming off the coast of Hawaii. No expert myself, I have no authority to say.

But as a proud and concerned citizen of the greatest nation in history, I’m sure as shit ready to find out. God damn.

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2008 – The Year of Experience and Merit in Politics

Considering the News…

2008 will be remembered for a plethora of historic achievements – A Philadelphia team not choking in the championship, Oprah becoming the first talk show host to eclipse 200 pounds more than 12 times in a career, Detroit auto companies selling more cars than ever – but perhaps this year’s most distinguished contributions to history have come per the political spectrum.

Yessir, 2008 is going down as the year experience and merit propelled savvy politicians to the mountain’s top.

There was Barack Obama dismissing the notion community organizers aren’t people, too, as he raised ungodly sums of money to spearhead his successful presidential campaign, ultimately shocking the world by becoming the country’s first black commander-in-chief.

There was Sarah Palin proving intelligence and familiarity with the U.S. Constitution is by no means a requisite for political dominance, having quickly claimed the throne of the Conservative Kingdom of Yahoos, ridding the world of barriers that hindered the likes of Forrest Gump, Britney Spears, and the French.

And now there is Caroline Kennedy laboring to extend her family’s rule in the Senate, scoffing at any indignant asshole who might contend there is more to public office than a surname and a shit-ton of money, laughing at those poor souls who are quick to remind us she has accomplished nothing of substance outside of writing a book or two and being born a Kennedy, mocking us simpletons who ever believed Democracy was devised to elect the best and the brightest – and not merely those with a familiar name and, yes, a shit ton of money.

What a year 2008 has been. Surely it will go down in infamy as the year pragmatisim had a heart attack on the john.

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8 percent of Illinois residents are crazy…Many proud parents

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is still a very popular figure in his home state, as recent polls indicate eight percent of his constituents still think rather highly of him.

And that’s no laughable accomplishment considering his current legal troubles, so I imagine his parents are quite proud of him these days, calling all friends and acquaintences in the rolodex for some good old fashioned offspring praising.

And yet Blago might not even be the most admired golden child in the state, what with Jessie Jackson’s boy Jessie Jackson sowing a rather sparkling image for himself, making all sorts of glamorous headlines and becoming an earnest talking point for late night talk show hosts. Quite a big deal he’s become.

Indeed, I’m no father myself, however, I’m compelled to believe a son like Jessie Jr. would bring me unparalleled joy. Few things elevate the spirits of a good-hearted man in the same fashion as witnessing a son surpass the public greatness of himself, and Jessie Jackson’s certainly a good-hearted man if there ever was one.

I’m sure the Jacksons are going to have a splendid Christmas this year, and so too the Blagojevich family. They’ll receive all sorts of thoughtful gifts and a litany of endearing cards, all coming from eight percent of the friends and family they once had.

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Jessie Jackson Jr., how dare you bring money into politics

Considering the News…

If recent speculation out of Illinois proves to be remotely veracious, then Jessie Jackson Jr., son of the esteemed Jessie Jackson, yes, that Jessie Jackson, had better commence preparation of an explanation.

The damning word from Lincoln’s Land is that J-Cubed is “Candidate 5” of the scandalous saga concerning Illinois Gov. Blagojevich’s unique interpretation of corruption. While the alias “Candidate 5” has a pleasant ring to it – it sounds both official and surprisingly James Bondish – it isn’t a moniker Jessie’s son Jessie necessarily enjoys today.

This because Candidate 5 is allegedly the only candidate of the group (it is believed there were only 5 candidates, but who can be certain these days?) who offered straight cash for the open senate seat left by President-elect Obama.

Although the other 4 implicated candidates (again, I stress there may be many, many more, perhaps dozens, if not hundreds) reportedly refused participance in Blagojevich’s “Pay for Play” style of business, it appears Triple-J was more than willing to deliver one million in unmarked bills straight to Blago’s campaign coffers in exchange for the appointment.

(Editor’s Note: I have yet to find any reports of how Rep. Jackson Jr. obtained these unmarked bills, or any reports that he actually ever even offered unmarked bills, for that matter. They likely weren’t unmarked bills.)

What we do know, or what speculators close to the investigation believe they know, is that the son of Jessie sought to purchase the senate seat in very much the same way a mob boss furnishes the condo of his mistress – with straight cash. And such an ostentatious approach doesn’t jive with accepted political tradition, for democracy is the people’s system, not the financier’s playpen.

Thus Junior Jackson’s current standing isn’t enviable in the least, for what politician wishes to be marred by allegations of buying his or her office? What public official wants his or her legacy tainted by astronomical sums of money, ungodly amounts of money, being used to close the deal?

Indeed, not many that I know of. Especially not from Illinois, the cherished Land of Lincoln. Not a chance.

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Obama is British and Harry Potter is a Muggle

Considering the News…

The grandest court in all the land has rejected an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man who claims to know more about the President-elect than even, say, the President-elect.

No, he’s not a biographer, per se, but he understands natural citizenship more than most, which makes it a damn shame his case won’t be heard in earnest by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Leo Donofrio (yes, that’s his real name) of Brunswick, N.J., contends that as Obama’s mother was American but his father was Kenyan, and thus a British subject, in no way whatsoever can Obama really be a pure-blood American, rendering him ineligible for the presidency.

It’s a vague and shady genetic equation, but Donofrio’s theory is flawless and has the backing of a monumental precedent. You see, in the case of Hermione v. Hogwartz School of Wizardry, Professor Dumbledore ruled that as Ms. Granger was undeniably the mixed blood product of a witch and a muggle, she did not qualify for classification as a pure-blood witch, no matter how prodigious her abilities.

Thus I hope the U.S. Supreme Court reconsiders the egregious dismissal of such a sincere case. Once again America finds itself at the mercy of the courts electing to legislate from the bench. What a dark world we live in.

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Love him or hate him, Karl Rove has a point

Considering the News…

A lot of people hate that Karl Rove. They hate him for getting George W. Bush elected. They hate him for nearly succeeding in his devious quest for everlasting conservative rule. They hate him because his wobbly chin(s) just tend to piss people off.

He’s been called ruthless, conniving, underhanded, surreptitious, heartless, and I’m sure even a pole-smoking SOB.

Yet what political mastermind achieves such notoriety without boasting a few of these unsavory traits? Love and warmth seldom imbue the hearts of iconic political strategist, especially those like Rove who consider every angle of character assassination…Like freaking out a bunch of rednecks by insinuating a certain candidate may or may not have an illegitimate child with a black woman, in much the same way Rove and Bush infamously did to John McCain in South Carolina during the 2000 Republican primaries.

Yes, a lot of folks despise that Rove. Wish evil things upon him. Google things like “Hitman for hire” because of him. However, for good or ill, mostly ill, Karl Rove knows politics. He also knows just how much money plays in any given election.

Inspired by the Obama campaign fundraising juggernaut, Rove penned this Op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, where he is a regularly contributor. Essentially, Rove argues that McCain was a victim of his own sword, as the 2002 campaign finance reform he spearheaded with Sen. Russ Feingold ultimately swung back around and sliced off his own manhood during the battle against Barack.

Thus Rove now advocates complete “Freedom of Political Speech” in regards to campaign donations, meaning he wants to give rich Republican donors the opportunity to buy elections, like back in the good old days.

In years past, this idiocy would have warranted an immediate condemnation from this writer, standing behind the pure democratic thought that money should play little to no factor in elections.

Having now considered the many reports of citizens like Bart Simpson and Darth Vader donating to Obama’s campaign via pre-paid debit cards, I concede the issue must be readdressed. I concede that pole-smoking SOB, Karl Rove, might just have a point.

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Women politicians aren’t all stupid

Considering the News…

lleana Ros-Lehtinen might live her life paranoid as a first-time overnight prison guest, but at least she doesn’t suffer from dumb. No, the Republican congresswoman from Florida is sharp, crafty, witty, eloquent, familiar with the U.S. Constitution…

Hell, those traits are mere hearsay, and I have no evidence to support those claims. But whether Ros-Lehtinen is a valedictorian or a varsity football team bicycle is no concern of mine, for at least we know she’s a pure-hearted skeptic, willing to insult the President-elect to preserve whatever dignity she might fancy herself to have.

When Barack Obama extended a benevolent hand across the aisle, Ros-Lehtinen slapped it down like Barry was making an sleazy pass at her thighs. Reports indicate that Obama, then Rahm Emanuel, attempted to phone Ros-Lehtinen, only to hear echos and a freaking click.

There was no malicious intent on her part, Ros-Lehtinen simply thought some limp-dicks from a local radio station were trying to make light of her. Sensing it might be a prank phone call, she played hardball right backand hung up on the bastards…Only it was the next President.

Embarrassing for her, yes. But not quite as humiliating as, say, a clueless Alaskan moosetress believing President Sarkozy of France truly gives two shits and wants to wish her well on the campaign trail. Because, you know, that would be quite the blemish on an otherwise sterling common sense track record.

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President Bush pardons 14 – The real juice awaits

Considering the News…

Georgie boy shocked the world by granting 14 Presidential pardons and two sentence commutations – not because of the sheer number or inherent malice behind the execused crimes, but because the list lacks the blockbuster ringers we particularly expect from such a surreptitious and unapologetic man.

This list simply begs one question: Where the hell’s the juice, George? Give us something, for Chrissake.

The yawn-inducing roll call of elementary crimes reads more like a high school suspension log than a catalogue rife with heinous, wicked crimes against humanity. Why break the news of these pardons unless offering a long list of society-crippling acts glorified in movies but unimaginable to the common, sensible citizenry?

Bank embezzlement?

Income tax evasion?

Unauthorized aquisition of food stamps? Food stamps?

Improper storage and disposal of toxic waste?

Violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act?

Conspiracy to distribute cocaine and Ricky Williams’ personal stash? (Old college buddy from Yale?)

Aiding and abetting the theft of government property? (Cheney and the Haliburton posse?)

George better beef up the list before exiting stage right, lest he desires the long-lasting classification of “America’s biggest Pussy-elect.” I don’t think he does. No, I’m compelled to believe we’ll soon see the most repulsive collection of “Get out of jail free” cards since Ford, when he said all was well and forgotten with that crook Nixon.

This limited sample is but an unsatisfying taste of what awaits us. Yes sir, George’s last day in office will blow more minds than LSD did in the 60s. The pre-emptive pardons will clear the names of every war criminal that wreaked havoc under his rein…It’s going to be a damn long list, too.

The 140 pardons granted by Clinton on his last day will be a sack of dusty seeds next to the bewildering fields of crookedness George will soon sow before the public’s eyes. Executive privilege will be invoked many times, as he execuses his own self from any explanations or motives. It’s going to be some scandalous shit, but at least we’ll get a little juice.

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Hannity and Colmes part ways – No reports of violence

Considering the News…

Alan Colmes is leaving Sean Hannity. The relationship became too nasty and abusive for the limp Colmes to endure yet another year of savage beatings and taunts and black eyes, so he’s filing his papers and seeking some much needed psychiatric attention – a well deserved respite if I’ve ever seen one.

The 12-year marriage will officially dissolve at the year’s end, when Colmes leaves to “pursue other creative projects” within the Republican National Committee’s official network, Fox News. The loan liberal on a star studded station of neo-cons and Bushites will reportedly continue contributing on his radio show and a new weekend pilot, however, his days of verbal sparring with that smug and pretentious Hannity shall be no more.

Which is rather sad when you reminisce on all the good times they’ve had, launching vicious attacks at one another’s party ideology and coming close to blows on numerous occasions. Colmes was vastly outnumbered, the entire network against him, yet somehow managed to hold his own. Thus I’m saddened by the thought of him leaving the show without ever having jammed a dull, lead pencil into Hannity’s right eye.

Too many opportunities escaped him, and I clearly recall at least 300 moments of unbridled Hannity condescension when I said, “This is it, this is when that little pussy Colmes finally stabs that cock Hannity in the goddamn eye with a dull, lead pencil. This is it!”

But it never happened. And now Colmes is calling it quits while turning in his badge and pocket protector.

Damn.

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

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Innocent turkey slaughtered – Best Sarah Palin interview yet

Considering the News…

My esteemed, albeit irrational and afflicted, colleague I.M. Fletcher brought this remarkable video to my attention. While I’m sure I would have stumbled across it in time, it brings me greater joy knowing this priceless entertainment came from such an appreciative source.  

Sarah Palin has endured seismic humiliation since slithering into the limelight, mostly due to her utter stupidity and mind-boggling ability to slaughter the English language with every sentence (or attempt at a sentence) she speaks.

While conducting a nice little local interview and sounding surprisingly more coherent and relevant than we are accustomed to hearing, the curious eye cannot help but gaze directly at the worker giving a turkey the business in the background. Which likely explains why this is the best performance offered hitherto by the Alaskan moosetress – your mind can’t process a word she says. All you can do is stare, mesmerized, as the poor turkey’s head is grinded brutally to a pulp in the distance.

The worker seems quite pleased with his own performance – and I commend him for it.

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On again, off again – the Clinton-Obama power saga

Considering the news…

These two clowns are worse than Whitney and Bobby Brown. One day they’re cuddling on the campaign trail, unforced smiles and waves for the camera, only to abandon the bond 36 hours later, projecting fictitious distance and autonomy while confusing the shit out of people.

Which is what makes this Clinton-Obama political love affair and political warfare so addicting for everyone watching – even more so for the enamored fiends who have followed this combative grudge match through each fiery day of the last two years. This is Ali-Frazier, except now archenemies are teaming up for the good of mankind…or so it seems.hillary-clinton-barack-obama-new-hampshire

Barack needs the Clintons and the Clintons need him, but I’ll be damned if any of them openly admits as much. When the situation requires one of them to suck it up and offer an endorsement of sorts, such lines are visibly forced from their mouths, a look of contempt and agitation dominates their eyes and expression.

Thus there are some parts admiration and some parts hatred in this ongoing feud, with the latter winning out most times. Especially now that Barack is offering Clinton a piece of the action in his race to history.  

Hillary knows 2016 is a painful and impossible dream, so accepting Barack’s Secretary of State invitation is her last and best shot at some feable grasp of glory. Her downplaying the position, posing an auro of pseudo-disinterest and snobby foolishness, is a farmer selling a dead donkey as a prized bull because no one’s buying that shit. She just wants it to seem as though Barack needs her more, like he’s pining for her love and affection, like she’s that piece of Grade-A ass he got back in college and has been fantasizing about everyday since.

And he is. He desires the most talented minds to be in his company – yet sometimes prodigious minds bring a circus of tricks and jokers along with them on tour. With Hillary on board, Barack’s mission  will be to continually convince everyone he’s, in fact, the almighty ring leader and that some gross mutation won’t spawn a third Clinton term somehow.

By inviting Hillary (and thus Slick Willie) into the administration, Obama realizes the power sacrifice he’s conceding – he’s far too strategic and observant not to. However, by letting this offer flutter in the stale air of cable news commentary for the past week, Obama has once again turned the attention away from himself and onto the Clintons, the kind of maneuver that ultimately seized momentum toward winning the nomination, when media personalities lodged their heads in the trash and spent a week questioning Bill’s admiration for candidates of color, forgetting there was even a blasted race going on in the background.

And it’s a brilliant diversion on Barack’s part. There’s a feel that he wants Hillary but doesn’t need Hillary. The way it should be, for it takes a trailer park of great people for an administration to succeed in the eyes of present day thinkers. Historians, on the other hand, generally remember only one name when writing the books of presidential blunders and glories. No matter what happens, Barack better make sure it’s his name on the cover.

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Joe the Plumber and Joe the Victim

Considering the News…

Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.

Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash in search of the mucky sludge on which the American machine runs? Is there no shame funneling through the veins of these atrocious gossip-mongers?

Well, I say someone owes poor Joe an apology. Or at least a damn convincing explanation, something the seedy and conniving Helen Jones-Kelley couldn’t offer her superior, however. The Department of Job and Family Services director faltered miserably when asked to explain these 18 unwarranted checks, and now Gov. Ted Strickland is in her ass hardcore, suspending HJK for a month sans pay.

Oooh-weeee that’s justice!

But not for poor Joe the Plumber, who will never again know dignity. The humiliation cost the 48K-a-year man a chance at one day owning that shiny plumbing company on the hill. Now he wallows and whines his way into the night, with nothing but a book deal and potential country music record to rely on. I fear I may never understand the purpose of life’s harsh unfairness.

You deserve better, Joe.

You deserve better, Joe.

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Secret Palin doodles illustrate her confused nature – Charles Manson prevails

Considering the News…

The recent discovery of Sarah Palin’s secret doodles, drawn during her time on the Wasilla City Council in 1996, clearly illustrate the confusion that has forever plagued this woman’s mind. This doodle was originally sketched by the Alaskan artist to adequately exhibit her qualifications for public office. This serves as evidence that those reasons were just as confusing and chaotic then as they are now.palindoodles1

 

Here, by contrast, is a doodle done by President Warren G. Harding, one of the country’s biggest political travesties. While the artist doesn’t offer us much substance, we cannot easily dismiss the clarity and depth of his vision. That vision is evidently of throwing a handful of shit against a brick wall…Well, a first-year art student would be satisfied with this art deco effort nonetheless.

 

4_dood_harding_warren_g_art_deco

 

And lastly we have this doodle done by Charles Manson while awaiting trial for his heinous crimes. Observers must appreciate the self-image he projected – the duality of man, if you will. Alright, alright, we’re stretching it here. But it somehow seemed oddly fitting for these three pieces to come together as a definitive statement on the doodles offered to us by some of America’s most disappointing citizens.doodle1

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President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.

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George W Bush admits mistakes – Seems remotely human

Considering the News…

It’s not like you can hate the guy forever. You know, that George W Bush guy.

Sure he’s seemed to fumble one thing after another, to the point he’s become somewhat of a living symbol of Freud’s definition of insanity.

Sure he’s pissed you off at least once a week, every week, for the last 8 freaking years.

Sure he took a scorching dump on several American civil liberties, invading our privacy and striving hard to make the ominous Big Brother of 1984 a living reality here in the grandest of so-called free societies.

And sure he spearheaded ungodly tax cuts which ultimately padded the pockets of fat cats at the expense of the common – dare I say Joe Six Pack – citizens.

But shucks, looking at it now – with the silly bastard packing his Presidential bags – he might not be so evil after all.

Judging by Bush’s interview with CNN aboard the U.S.S. Intrepid in New York after a Veterans Day ceremony, perhaps Georgie does, in fact, have a conscience. All those times you asked yourself or your friends or some random bystander on the streets, “Does the guy even realize how bad he’s fucking up the country? Does he understand the least bit?” It seems the answer – to a mild extent – is probably “Yes.”

Bush finally cut the bullshit, benched the facade, and admitted to causing a few blunders. He might not have broken down completely, categorizing his presidency as an utter disaster, and there were no tears, unfortunately…but this will have to do for now.  We’ll leave the rest to the history books.

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Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…

The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.

Palin has spent the past week doing one media interview after another, refusing to freely say what everyone already knows is coming, “Heck ya I’m running in two thousand and twelve – you betcha!” Which is fine by me. She can parade the Wasilla Five (Six including Todd) around the country all she wants, but claiming God as a political adviser has passed the point of disturbing.

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in a Fox News interview. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

(Note: That is a verbatim Palin quote – no comedic alterations needed.)

Anyhow, I cannot claim to comprehend the ways of the Almighty Power, but some assumptions – no matter how unusual – can be easily made.

1. God didn’t give you that Academy Award, so quit crying, quit thanking him, and give some props to the 400 people who grinded out 100-hour weeks for 3 months to make sure your untalented ass could claim such a prize.

2. God simply grants unexplainable breaks to some sports teams and not others, but there’s no reasoning behind it…otherwise the Cubs, Clippers, and Cardinals (NFL) would have caught one or two over the last grueling century.

3. God is present in more prison cells than confession booths. Don’t believe me? Then consider how many inmates have found Jesus and how many priests have found the zipper on little Timmy’s Wrangler Jeans.

4. God doesn’t need the repeated shout-outs when you’re grinding in the love sack. He knows what you’re doing. He knows exactly what you’re doing. And if it isn’t strictly for reproductive purposes, or if it in anyway involves the phrase “Hey, I picked up this KY the other day, let’s try something new,” then you likely won’t be seeing Him in the after life.

5. God plays little to no role in Presidential elections. He’s already afforded the majority of American citizens the gift of rational thought, therefore, His main role is mostly as an amused spectator.

So sorry, Sarah, that door you keep referring to is already slammed shut. And if you don’t believe me, then perhaps you should concede already and let Todd breakout that KY he picked up a few weeks back. Then you’ll see.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

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Bush and Obama put Presidency above Politics – Frighten the Children

Considering the News…

Barack Obama’s first trip to the White House as President-Elect is big news. Not really, but at least the mainstream media thinks so. It’s a swell photo opportunity for capturing worthless pictures of Presidents No. 43 and 44 waving, both grinning like bastards while sharing jokes (unfunny to the rest of mankind) about how cool it is possessing powers the rest of the air-breathing world will never know (like tapping Kim Kardashian’s cell phone to see what kind of naughty things her and Reggie Bush talk about…My guess? Her huge donkey ass, but never mind that).

Obama and Bush smile as they consider just how much they really hate each other.

Obama and Bush smile as they consider just how much they really hate each other.

Most of their Oval Office visit will be comprised of mindless nonsense, as Bush offers Obama a few unsolicited words of advice, all the while biting his tongue and suppressing the urge to leap over his desk and rip Obama’s freaking throat out for dragging his name through the mud everyday of the last two years. Conversely, Obama will brandish that 70-tooth smile, fending off the mounting need for doubling over in laughter as Bush spews his bullshit about “what it takes to be a great president.”

As if you know, Obama will think. But what can he say? It’s all trivial posturing for the sole purpose of convincing the drunken, maladroit androids of the country that politicking is a necessary evil, however, in the end we all love each other like dogs in heat and need to get along. After all, it’s not a red America and a blue America, but a country that loves football and hates terrorists. So lets all get hosed and roast a jihad or two…maybe even bring a tournament to college football before the year 2020. Whatever.

And Michelle and Laura will do their own little tea-slurping ditty, and Entertainment Tonight will feature some 30-second bit about the current First Lady suggesting the Obama’s get a terrier or some shit like that. No one will remember three days from now, but it’s good filler today.

The travesty of it all is that the MSM dropped the ball on the main story here. With so much focus on Presidents shmoozing and First Ladies cooing, non-existent was the coverage of what terrifying and haunting things must be rattling the minds of young Malia and Sasha Obama. After two consecutive years of hearing George W. Bush is the goddamn devil, how could these girls step foot in his house without fearing some ill fate, like jagged blades or raging flames disfiguring their bodies permanently?

I have no clue how these brave young women did it. I just know I wouldn’t have been able to. Not a chance in hell.

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Message to Obama: Get Harry Reid Under Control

Considering the News…

The President-Elect probably hasn’t even shaved since winning the election, but it’s imperative Barack Obama gets Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, to put his fiery balls in a bucket of ice water before he singlehandedly undermines Obama’s “new way of politics.”

Reports indicate Reid’s closed-door meeting yesterday with Democratic disgrace, Sen. Joe Lieberman, played out more like a belligerent back-alley brawl than a civilized meeting between well-known congressmen. Pissed off about Joe’s unbridled support of John McCain, Reid is contemplating stripping the independent senator of his chairman duties for the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

The Democrats are less than 72 hours removed from winning the White House and increasing leads in both the House and Senate, yet Reid already aims to take a steamy, bubbly piss all over that whole “reach across the aisle” bull shit that inspired his party’s entire campaign.

Not a wise move, Reid. Not very wise at all. Dismissing Lieberman for strictly political purposes sends the message that you and your entire party are backsliding power-mongers just like your opposition. And the American citizenry proved on Tuesday that they pay attention to that kind of thing.

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A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

obama_chicago

Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

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43 white guys and Barack

Considering the News…

Holy freaking shit. 43 white guys preceded Barack Obama to the White House. Maybe there was a reason Jackie Robinson wore the number 44 then.

Barack Obama’s landslide victory validates the notion America is prepared for seminal change, deviating not just from our old political practices, but the traditional norms and accepted social perceptions that have plagued our country like a bubbling case of syphilis for centuries.

It signifies a great leap for our still young republic. Landing on the moon was invoked many times tonight, and Barack himself alluded to the barriers overcome with the monumental collapse of the Berlin wall. Surprisingly, there was no mention of Moses splitting the Red Sea (at least not on the programs I stumbled across).

Obama spoke of a 106-year-old woman surviving decades of racial and gender discrimination, living long enough to touch a magic computer screen and help pave a sterling road for the first black man into the White House.

This epic moment was celebrated with the most magnanimous political spectacle the country has ever seen. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of citizens flocked into Grant Park like Woodstock was cracking off again. There were no hippies – well probably a few – just mostly the regular whirlwind of fellow Americans you live and work with everyday. And it wasn’t melodies and dance they came for, but the inspiring rhetoric of a true leader, words illuminating a new direction.

And those words soared through the crowd, striking visions of hope and fresh prosperity in the eyes of every onlooker, billowing about like the flurries of a fresh beginning. I am not a biblical man, however, I understand the power of a figure, a message, and a time colliding together before the awe-struck hearts and faces of a common people enduring common struggles.

Barack Obama did that tonight. He reminded us of an American dream, one that seemed too elusive and unreachable to strive for in past days. And it was a moving thing to witness. The kind of thing you witness and immediately recognize to be unrivaled greatness. The kind of thing you sit back and marvel at.

Probably kind of like watching Jackie Robinson sliding into home, when he was the only man of his kind in sight.

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Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

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Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers – the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

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1 in 7 still undecided? Who the hell are these people?

Considering the News…

There’s so many poll numbers out right now the backs of my eyes throb and my hands are shaking. It’s not even noon but I know a stiff drink might be the only thing to remedy the anxiety. Can’t imagine how Obama’s feeling right now. He has to be fiendish for a smoke, wondering what harm two or six puffs actually inflict.

Despite brewing relatively sizable leads in most polls not conducted by Fox News or the McCain camp, Obama still fears his fate rests with those mindboggled undecideds. They’re scary people for a candidate like him. So persuadable…”moveable” or “changeable” as they’re often called.

A Yahoo!-Associated Press poll says 14 percent have no freaking clue who they’ll vote for. 14 percent! That’s 1 in 7 people who get to the front of the McDonald’s line and act like they’re really pondering some unprecedented order, only to decide on the same Big Mac meal they get every other damn time. Not good for the new chicken wrap that is Barack’s candidacy.

The Washington Post estimates the clueless society to be closer to 10 percent, which is several points lower than this same time in 2000 and 2004. So I suppose we’re at least making some progress as a society.

The McCain camp is confident the majority of undecideds will secretly, quietly sneak over to the maverick, come election day, saying this sector of the electorate are, “older, downscale, more rural and are certainly economically stressed.”

Older, downscale, more rural. I won’t speculate what this really means, but I’m confident in my readers’ intelligence and ability to decipher the GOP code inherent in that statement.

But luckily these undecideds have wittled away at these candidates’ stances, as the Associated Press reports that when “Asked where they disagree with Obama, changeable voters most frequently mention taxes and the economy, health care, abortion and social issues such as gun control, and personal traits including his race and his honesty. For McCain, it’s the economy and taxes, health care, foreign policy and abortion.”

So there you have it. They disagee with both candidates on taxes, the economy, health care, and abortion. However, McCain has a slight disadvantage on foreign policy, and Obama is struggling with race and guns.

That’s right, you just read that correctly. This election will boil down to race, guns and war. Phew! It’s a goddamn relief we at least have our priorities straight.

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