Category Archives: Uncategorized

Mark Cuban charged for insider trading…Idiot stock rises

Considering the News…

Mark Cuban is many things – owner of the Dallas Mavericks, a billionaire, a balding wannabe playboy, and a hopeless dillweed, but now he can even tack “outed white collar crook” to that list.

The SEC has filed a civil lawsuit against Cuban, accusing the friendless rogue of insider trading. Martha Stewart all over again, as apparently Cuban received some good info on a going-nowhere search engine company named back in 2004.

After swearing to conceal all knowledge regarding the worst-named company of all time, Cuban – to his credit – kept it on the hush for a whopping 8 minutes, when he called up his broker and yelled “SELL!” on his $750,000 in stock.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

The unabashed scrub-monger who wastes millions each year on the overpriced salaries of washed up hacks was actually worried about losing a few hundred G’s on a stock. Wow. Now he faces SEC charges and potential jail time because of it, leaving us to conclude one thing – his stock in idiocy is recession-proof. Buy now!  

On a related note, perhaps Cuban should have sought a little insider information on that Devin Harris for Jason Kidd trade, because that was a stupid investment if ever there was one.


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Obama Family Secret Service Names Revealed – Reno Raines Has Beef

Considering the News…

Reno Raines can’t be happy these days. One thing’s for sure, his life will never be the same. Now that the next First Family’s Secret Service names are public, Raines sadly becomes just the second most famous “Renegade” on the planet.

In perhaps one of the more dubious news stories of the year, we learned today that President-Elect, Barack Obama, has assumed the rebel alias as his codename. There’s no reports indicating the name is a cunning jab at his republican rival in the election, The Maverick McCain, but it would be more amusing if such later proved to be true.

And daddy Barry isn’t alone, as the entire Obama pack now has ostentatious code names – Michelle (Renaissance…I’m serious), Malia (Radiance…alright, give ’em that), and Sasha (Rosebud…I know, I know.) It’s uncertain why they all took on R-words for names, but I’m sure there’s some excessively intellectual reasoning behind it.

What we can confirm is Reno Raines is a lame duck Renegade.

Alright, it was a terrible show, but you know you watched at least 14 episodes on USA between the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. back in 1996.

Alright, it was a terrible show, but you know you watched at least 14 episodes on USA between the hours of 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. back in 1996.

Not that he can be entirely pissed off about it…the man had a damn good run. From the show’s debut on September 17, 1992 until about 12 or so hours ago, Raines took full advantage of that name. In fact, few have probably ever gotten more tail out of a Hollywood moniker.

The quasi-bad ass, long-haired cop – framed for the murder of his wife, a murder the poor fool didn’t commit – made his name by patrolling the streets as a contracted bounty hunter (It’s strongly believed that Dog the Bounty Hunter blatantly ripped off his entire life from the show).

Having teamed up with the comedic Native American known as Bobby Sixkiller (fourth coolest name in television history behind B.A. Baracus, Cozmo Kramer and Optimus Prime…one spot before Angus MacGyver), the two kicked mad ass every day, before calling it a night to hit the town and beat some mad ass.

And now it’s gone. The inherent glory of being the star of a show syndicated in 100 countries is all flushed down the shit bowl on account of Barack “Renegade” Obama. But I’m sure Reno Raines would want it this way. Why, if he’s anything like his protege Dog the Bounty Hunter then I’m sure he embraces the idea of Obama in office….


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Poll Problems: Florida urban areas boast ONE voting booth

Considering the News…

Writing that headline made my ears ring for some reason. A loud, piercing ring showed up and I’m uncertain whether I should expect it to quiet in the coming hours, or even coming days for that matter.

A story from the Huffington Post, credited to TMZ (still confused why that particular institution got involved), reports that heavily-populated areas in urban Florida only have one freaking polling booth.

How the hell is this possible? Coming from a remotely-populated area in the Midwest, my polling place featured 10 voting booths and probably just as many people waiting in line to usethem. And yet the drastically saturated areas of the country (battleground states at that) have only one damn booth for thousands of voters…hmm.

A travesty of the worst kind. I’m utterly appalled, as well as frightened. The ghost of Katherine Harris is evidently alive and well in Florida. And that’s scary shit.

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Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.


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More Republicans endorse Obama – McCain gets Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

On the same day John McCain sealed the deal with the most coveted voter in America (at least in terms of insignificant people who somehow earned undeserved fame), Barack Obama continued reeling in big catches from the GOP pond.

Ronald Reagan’s chief of staff is the latest McCain political casualty, as Ken Duberstein announced he will be voting for Barack Obama come Tuesday.

He joins numerous other lifelong conservatives who feel, among other things, that Obama’s potential for greatness outweighs McCain’s lengthy record of “being a true American.”

Here’s a short list of other republicans dazzled by the light streaming from Obama’s campaign:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

Former Solicitor General for Reagan, Charles Fried

Former South Dakota Senator, Larry Pressler

Former Maryland Senator, Charles Mathias

Former Rhode Island Senator, Lincoln Chafee

Former Massachusettes Governor, William Weld

Former Minnesota Governor, Arne Carlson

Former Bush Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

Former Iowa Congressman, Jim Leach

….You will notice the word “former” precedes many of these distinguished names, thus the McCain camp obviously downplays these figures as irrelevant. However, consider how many times McCain and Palin have invoked the name Reagan in this campaign, and it’s easy to deduce what’s happening.

McCain and Palin say the name Reagan hoping to coerce voters into thinking their broken policies and campaign will somehow translate to a presidency similar to that of President Reagan.

Well, if his own staffers don’t believe it…then why the hell should we?

But good job on the Joe the Plumber endorsement, Senator McCain. It’s a really big deal. Really. I mean that.

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?


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McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

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