Corrupting the News…
Amidst predictions that his presidency would prove as farcical as Kimbo Slice’s MMA career, Barack Obama is now considering a three-event showdown with the once-revered fighter in an attempt to bolster his fledgling Washington street cred.
The event comes as reaction to a recent McCain ad that juxtaposes Obama’s tenuous voting record with Slice’s unimpressive performance in the ring.
“Barack Obama’s voted present 129 times during his brief tenure in the U.S. Senate, while Kimbo Slice can’t even put the beat down on skinny white boys,” the ad narrates. “Clearly neither one is as courageous as he’s cracked up to be.”
Team Obama is now working feverishly to schedule the trio of competitions aimed at reinventing the candidate’s toughness image.
Aside from a three-round MMA match, the plan also includes a Slice-Obama economic policy debate and slam dunk contest.
“Clearly the biggest concern right now is the debate on the economy,” said Obama aide, Andrew Sullivan. “Anyone who has duped as many people as Kimbo Slice obviously knows a thing or two about how the American economy works. That said, we expect Barack to kick Kimbo’s ass in the ring, while his skills on the basketball court are well documented.”
Experts contend that Obama’s massive reach will prove unbeatable for the slow and stocky Slice, as the junior senator from Illinois is expected to use his quick hands to slay the slumping street fighter.
“Obama has a crazy wingspan – no way Slice even lays a hand on him,” said Carl Watkins, managing editor of Beat Down magazine. “Slice’s only chance would be to wrestle around with Obama. I mean just look at the guy. He’s a great senator, and I really hope he wins the election, but he’s just a skinny little fucker.”
Not to be outshined, the McCain campaign announced today that the republican nominee is planning multiple appearances on Dancing with the Stars.
“This is a win-win, because the senator will get a chance to sway some women voters while also competing on his favorite show,” said McCain consultant, Woodrow Chopski. “Our main fear is that he falls and breaks a hip or has a heart attack and dies. He’s a fierce competitor, but competitiveness never dismisses the fact you’re old as shit.”
Winn & Tonic 