Tag Archives: Barack Obama scandal

Jessie Jackson Jr., how dare you bring money into politics

Considering the News…

If recent speculation out of Illinois proves to be remotely veracious, then Jessie Jackson Jr., son of the esteemed Jessie Jackson, yes, that Jessie Jackson, had better commence preparation of an explanation.

The damning word from Lincoln’s Land is that J-Cubed is “Candidate 5” of the scandalous saga concerning Illinois Gov. Blagojevich’s unique interpretation of corruption. While the alias “Candidate 5” has a pleasant ring to it – it sounds both official and surprisingly James Bondish – it isn’t a moniker Jessie’s son Jessie necessarily enjoys today.

This because Candidate 5 is allegedly the only candidate of the group (it is believed there were only 5 candidates, but who can be certain these days?) who offered straight cash for the open senate seat left by President-elect Obama.

Although the other 4 implicated candidates (again, I stress there may be many, many more, perhaps dozens, if not hundreds) reportedly refused participance in Blagojevich’s “Pay for Play” style of business, it appears Triple-J was more than willing to deliver one million in unmarked bills straight to Blago’s campaign coffers in exchange for the appointment.

(Editor’s Note: I have yet to find any reports of how Rep. Jackson Jr. obtained these unmarked bills, or any reports that he actually ever even offered unmarked bills, for that matter. They likely weren’t unmarked bills.)

What we do know, or what speculators close to the investigation believe they know, is that the son of Jessie sought to purchase the senate seat in very much the same way a mob boss furnishes the condo of his mistress – with straight cash. And such an ostentatious approach doesn’t jive with accepted political tradition, for democracy is the people’s system, not the financier’s playpen.

Thus Junior Jackson’s current standing isn’t enviable in the least, for what politician wishes to be marred by allegations of buying his or her office? What public official wants his or her legacy tainted by astronomical sums of money, ungodly amounts of money, being used to close the deal?

Indeed, not many that I know of. Especially not from Illinois, the cherished Land of Lincoln. Not a chance.

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Obama is British and Harry Potter is a Muggle

Considering the News…

The grandest court in all the land has rejected an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man who claims to know more about the President-elect than even, say, the President-elect.

No, he’s not a biographer, per se, but he understands natural citizenship more than most, which makes it a damn shame his case won’t be heard in earnest by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Leo Donofrio (yes, that’s his real name) of Brunswick, N.J., contends that as Obama’s mother was American but his father was Kenyan, and thus a British subject, in no way whatsoever can Obama really be a pure-blood American, rendering him ineligible for the presidency.

It’s a vague and shady genetic equation, but Donofrio’s theory is flawless and has the backing of a monumental precedent. You see, in the case of Hermione v. Hogwartz School of Wizardry, Professor Dumbledore ruled that as Ms. Granger was undeniably the mixed blood product of a witch and a muggle, she did not qualify for classification as a pure-blood witch, no matter how prodigious her abilities.

Thus I hope the U.S. Supreme Court reconsiders the egregious dismissal of such a sincere case. Once again America finds itself at the mercy of the courts electing to legislate from the bench. What a dark world we live in.

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The Juice faces 6 years to life – The squeeze is on

Considering the News…

O.J. can set the golf clubs down and grab a trash pick, because the only greens he’ll be seeing for awhile will be roadside ditch weeds as he stabs at McDonald’s sacks  in his neon orange vest.

Yes sir, the Juice is finally doing time. Six years to life, in fact. Should be brutal. Especially as he sits in his unfinished cell block trying to wrap his meager mind around the bewildering fact a man can actually do hard time for stealing his own shit. Simply dumbfounding, I know, Juice.

But all the glitter isn’t gold, as they say, and the sparks around O.J. Simpson’s once glorified life have faded faster than the 2008 Buffalo Bills.

Perhaps the Juice will use this opportunity to establish a new state of mind, one that doesn’t take orbit around his own greed and self-centered ambitions, one where ex-lovers become friends and fans find equal ground with stars.

Maybe he’ll find Jesus. Maybe he’ll find Allah. Maybe he’ll find Tito the lovely body builder from cell block 9.

Not sure. Nor do I care. The glove fit this time and they used it to keep hands clean while squeezing the freedom juice from Simpson’s fantasy world. Ain’t life grand, that so many can find peace and joy in the unnecessary sorrows of such a confused soul.

oj-simpson-tv-book-special-hypothetical-11-16-2006   

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Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

Considering the News…

Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain – many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how tough he is with a gun

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

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Bigots, Lunatics, Robocalls, and the McCain Campaign

Considering the News…

There’s much panic, paranoia and uncertainty swarming around the dysfunctional McCain camp, as volunteers and supporters launch vigilante fear-mongering campaigns to sway (scare) undecided voters.

It’s bad enough that you have Rudy Giuliani’s smug little ass robo-calling American households at all hours of the night. It’s even worse that you have depressed and delusional coeds carving up their own faces and blaming the savagery on imaginary 6-4 black dudes.

The racial undertones behind these incidents are disturbing – in the mildest sense – but at least the cockeyed hooligans responsible had the decency (cowardice?) to suppress them to the point of mere undertones.

Then you have the brazen racists and bigots groping each other at Sarah Palin’s KKK rallies – mean folks hellbent on bleaching the American citizenry. The kind of nervous and intolerant rednecks who sleep with Confederate flag quilts and Nazi throw pillows…Twisted back-country minds that will likely plague our society for decades to come.

And it’s a damn shame. As an ardent supporter of the First Amendment I am torn on whether it extends to the kind of pure smut featured below. From Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire and Brandenburg v. Ohio to National Socialist (Nazi) Party v. Skokie, the issue of hate speech has been addressed by the Supreme Court numerous times. However, I’m uncertain where this letter – taped to mailboxes in Wisconsin – falls under these rulings. Maybe I don’t want to know……

This fucked letter was taped to Wisconsin mailboxes

This fucked letter was taped to Wisconsin mailboxes

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Joe the Unlicensed Plumber

Considering the News…

Looks like Joe the Plumber is going to be out of a job. Stardom is a bitch like that.

You don’t become an iconic archetype of American politics and get away unscathed. As McCain would even say – first it’s the hatchet, then the scalpel.

Well, they’re taking the scalpel right between Joe’s ears and legs right now, because reports from the Toledo Blade indicate that Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher is an Ohio plumber – just not a legally licensed one.

Which, of course, is a problem, seeing as how most state laws require proper credentials for obtaining jobs that dictate where and when the shit flows.

I’m sure Joe the Plumber will be fine, however. He has every major TV, radio, and news medium in the country wanting to polish that sleak dome of his. Thus I imagine a handsome reward – possibly a book deal or star role in the WWE – will land in his lap shortly…assuming it hadn’t already before he ever “happened” upon Barack Obama last week.

Oh, how fate does put the average Joe in unfathomable situations.

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Daily Kos: Joe the Plumber or Joe the Tax Evader

Considering the News…

Maybe Joe the Plumber doesn’t have to worry about Obama’s proposed tax hikes for the rich and famous after all. Looks like the unregistered voter of the year doesn’t care for paying taxes no matter what the amount.

After ABC News identified America’s new favorite plumber’s crack as one Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher, a quick check on Ohio’s online tax records reveals one Samuel J Wurzelbacher of Toledo is being pursued in the Lucas County Court of Common Pleas for $1,182.98 in unpaid dues to Uncle Sam.

The Daily Kos shed the light on this story. We’ll see where the roaches scramble to for cover.

Such a brutal turn of events might discredit my claims that Joe the Plumber is a fraud faker than Pam Anderson’s fun bags, for certainly Mr. Wurzelbacher wouldn’t have willingly injected himself into the mainstream media hoopla of this paramount election knowing he’d left the needle and burnt spoon out on the bathroom sink for any mudslinger to trudge up.

So a weird and unenviable fate awaits Mr. McCain’s new favorite stump figure, Mr. Working Man America, Joe the Plumber.

Either his unexpected fame was pure luck, shitty luck, or, as I contended before, a complete fabrication by the McCain camp. If it turns out it’s the latter, Joe the Plumber should at least ask the Maverick to borrow 1,200 bucks and a lawyer.

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Message to Joe the Plumber: You’re Rich, Bitch! And a Fraud!

Considering the News…

Joe the Plumber is a goddamn American hero. In the flesh. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body…American hero.

At least that’s what the McCain campaign wants the country to believe. They want us to eat him up and say, “Ah, that Joe the Plumber’s just like me – I’ll be damned! McCain really is the guy for regular folks like Joe the Plumber and myself.”

The only problem is Joe the Plumber’s likely a fraud. Actually, I have no doubts about it. This is character placement of the worst kind – like in porn when the pizza guy shows up just as the sexy coed chicks are lotioning each other up, having totally forgotten they even ordered a large cheese 30 minutes before.

Joe the Plumber watches McCain make an ass out of him.

Joe the Plumber watches McCain make an ass out of him.

Joe Six Pack meet Joe the Plumber. That’s what this surreptitious political ploy is all about – putting a face, a rather stern and frustrated one, on Joe Six Pack.

Pull him out of the crowd, teach him a few clutch lines, slip him a thousand bucks, and say, “Joe, congratulations – you’re famous!”

Knowing that the McCain campaign has been writing thousands of bogus “Letters to the Editor” around the country, is it any surprise his shameless cohorts would devise such a Rovian scheme?

Not at all. We expect as much. That’s why republicans win more campaigns. That’s why you occasionally experience the patriotism-inspired notion that, “You know, McCain really is a patriot. If he wins, well fuck, I’m right behind him.” Then he smirks and thrusts an unnecessary dagger and the feeling fades quick enough that fortunately no permanent scars or streak marks stay on your conscience.

They’re dirty dogs running a dirty campaign. “I regret some of the things said in this campaign,” McCain said. “Every time there’s been an out-of-bounds remark made by a republican, no matter where they are, I have repudiated them.”

This was just another lame excuse from a cut-throat quasi-racist campaign. High school freshmen showing up at 3 a.m. reeking like booze come up with more compelling excuses than that heartless smut.

At least throw us a fucking bone here, John. Make up some unbelievable shit. Say Sarah Palin’s been hypnotized by terrorists or aliens or something of the sort. Don’t act like you can say anything as long as you repudiate it. Did that work for Michael Richards? No.

And Joe Wurzelbacher may indeed be a plumber wanting to someday buy his own company, but there’s no way he was a random bystander that mystically collided with Obama.

The McCain camp knew Barack was going door-to-door, and if it wasn’t Joe the Plumber it would have been Joe the Carpenter, Joe the Trucker or Joe the Bartender. Eitherway, Joe Middle-Class America was running into Obama that day. It just happened to be Wurzelbacher.

The amusing part of the whole charade was during the debate when flustered McCain ended up flipping out on his own planted gem, Joe the Plumber. Flipped out like a freaking lunatic. Flipped out like the hot head all his cronies, confidants and acquaintances know him to be.

“Joe, congratulations – you’re rich, bitch! And Senator Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!!!”

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McCain condemns Angelina Jolie breastfeeding photos

Corrupting the News…

John McCain doesn’t care much for breasts. At least not on the cover of magazines.

The Arizona senator told a pro-life crowd in Ohio that the latest issue of W magazine – featuring Jolie’s provocative ta’s and an infant’s curious paw – should be pulled from newstands in the name of common decency.

“My friends, I’m all about breasts in magazines, just check my mailbox,” said the 72-year-old. “But, my fellow Americans, when naked hooters start showing up on newstand covers, unhidden from children’s eyes, then enough is enough. These Hollywood liberals might not care about ethical standards, but just check my record – I have put my country before boobs every time.”

Although the move stands to re-re-resolidify his support among the non-sexual ultra-conservative base, republican analysts speculate it might hurt his image among independents.

“I just don’t see how you denounce breastfeeding, or even breasts in general, for that matter – especially when they’re Angelina Jolie’s of all people,” said Robert Rowdy, republican analyst for Cinemax. “There’s probably six men in America who will vote for him now, and he’s related to all of them.”

The harsh stance has also spawned a rift between McCain and vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, who is an ardant supporter of the voluptuous appendages.

“Sarah Palin has always advocated on behalf of breasts of all shapes, sizes, and angles,” said Maureen Browley, Palin’s wardrobe aide. “In all seriousness, where would Sarah be without them? Probably married to some wife beater in Alaska…I mean Iowa.”

The Obama campaign released a statement applauding Jolie for her courage and her extensive work for mothers worldwide.

“Senator Obama has always been a huge Angelina Jolie fan,” said Mitch Brock, an Obama aide. “He’s already requested a signed copy of the issue, as well as any extra photo negatives the photographer might have lying around. Huge fan of hers. Huge.

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McCain the Nazi…Played integral role in Iran-Contra affair

Corrupting the News…

John McCain the Nazi sympathizer? Barack Obama thinks so.

The Obama camp reignited the conversation regarding McCain’s ties with an ultra-right-wing, pro-Nazi death squad involved in the Iran-Contra affair during the mid-1980s.

McCain and Bush Heil Hitler?

McCain and Bush Hail Hitler?

The move comes in response to Sarah Palin unleashing some savage witchery in Florida on Monday, condemning Obama for “palling around with terrorists” and “speaking too el-o-gently for a man of color.”

“You just don’t go there in American politics,” said Stevie Johns, an Obama spokesman. “If you can’t talk about your slutty daughter getting knocked up in high school, then how the hell are you gonna talk about Obama being a fucking terrorist? When she said that shit, we knew it was time to smack a bitch. That bitch, of course, being McCain. Not Palin, who…well, you get the point.”

McCain played the ignorance card when responding, saying that he “didn’t know whether the (U.S. Council For World Freedom’s) actions were legal or illegal,” but that he just “thought the Swastika tattoos were pretty neat.”

“I guess you could say I was a bit out of touch – he he he he he he,” McCain said amidst an insufferable spurt of awkward laughs. “Guess the liberals won’t be able to blame it on my age anymore.”

The U.S. Council For World Freedom funded covert arms shipments to the Contra Rebels, a mission funded with underground arms sales to Iran. However, McCain denies having knowledge of any wrongdoing.

“I didn’t know what was going on really, I just liked that my name was on their letterhead,” McCain said of his involvement with USCFWF. “I didn’t have many friends when I first came to Washington, and here was a group putting a hand out to a young congressman from Arizona. I wasn’t really a Nazi, but Hitler had always been a big inspiration for me. I’ve always kind of tried to emulate his demeanor. So I joined.”

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

The Obama staff also released a statement concerning the democratic nominee’s links to the Weather Underground, a domestic terrorist ring that accomplished little in the 1960s.

“After further review, we still find that Senator Obama was only eight years old when the Weather Underground was wreaking havoc in Washington, making any direct connections a stretch at best. Obama is a man of diplomacy, not bombs.”

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Obama Denounces Kimbo Slice Comparison…Fight Planned

Corrupting the News…

Amidst predictions that his presidency would prove as farcical as Kimbo Slice’s MMA career, Barack Obama is now considering a three-event showdown with the once-revered fighter in an attempt to bolster his fledgling Washington street cred.

The event comes as reaction to a recent McCain ad that juxtaposes Obama’s tenuous voting record with Slice’s unimpressive performance in the ring.

“Barack Obama’s voted present 129 times during his brief tenure in the U.S. Senate, while Kimbo Slice can’t even put the beat down on skinny white boys,” the ad narrates. “Clearly neither one is as courageous as he’s cracked up to be.”

Team Obama is now working feverishly to schedule the trio of competitions aimed at reinventing the candidate’s toughness image.

Aside from a three-round MMA match, the plan also includes a Slice-Obama economic policy debate and slam dunk contest.

“Clearly the biggest concern right now is the debate on the economy,” said Obama aide, Andrew Sullivan. “Anyone who has duped as many people as Kimbo Slice obviously knows a thing or two about how the American economy works. That said, we expect Barack to kick Kimbo’s ass in the ring, while his skills on the basketball court are well documented.”

Experts contend that Obama’s massive reach will prove unbeatable for the slow and stocky Slice, as the junior senator from Illinois is expected to use his quick hands to slay the slumping street fighter.

“Obama has a crazy wingspan – no way Slice even lays a hand on him,” said Carl Watkins, managing editor of Beat Down magazine. “Slice’s only chance would be to wrestle around with Obama. I mean just look at the guy. He’s a great senator, and I really hope he wins the election, but he’s just a skinny little fucker.”

Not to be outshined, the McCain campaign announced today that the republican nominee is planning multiple appearances on Dancing with the Stars.

“This is a win-win, because the senator will get a chance to sway some women voters while also competing on his favorite show,” said McCain consultant, Woodrow Chopski. “Our main fear is that he falls and breaks a hip or has a heart attack and dies. He’s a fierce competitor, but competitiveness never dismisses the fact you’re old as shit.”

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Old video surfaces…Barack faces fraud charges

Corrupting the News…

Barack Obama might not be who he claims to be.

The junior senator from Illinois faces heated charges of false representation, after copies of a 1980s television commercial began surfacing earlier this week.

The conservative political action committee, Jesus for Freedom, claims the man of hope is actually a convicted felon named Alfonso Ribeiro, a former break dancing prodigy who made millions on his how-to dance video Breakin and Poppin’.

The Obama camp quickly denied these claims, calling them “egregious” and that “the individual in the commercial, Alfonso Ribeiro, is clearly Carlton from The Prince of Bel Air. There is no substantive evidence that Senator Obama is not who he says he is, or that he can even break dance. He’s actually stiff as a Viagra-fueled Johnson on the dance floor.”

Mr. Ribeiro’s office declined questioning, but released a statement that said, “Mr. Ribeiro is still the baddest muthafucka to ever throw down on the break dancing scene. His skills are undeniable, and that red leather jacket continues to get him laid to this day.”

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