Tag Archives: Christmas Gifts

Barrels of Oil – The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Considering the News…

For the first time since 2004, you can get your hands on a barrel of oil for under 40 bucks a pop, and all economic signs point to it becoming the most fashionable and trendy gift this holiday season.

Considered the “ripoff of the summer” when Americans couldn’t hump there way into a barrel for under 140, now oil is flying off the shelves at bewildering rates, prompting some experts to call it the hottest Christmas item since the original Tickle Me Elmo.

Thus I anticipate considerable joy next week, as I celebrate the Yuletides and whatnot by showering my loved ones, all my loved ones, with a their own barrel  of bubbling oil.

Indeed, each wayward drop of black gold that flutters to the white carpet below will be but one more symbol of my love and appreciation for those close to me. This is going to be a damn fine holiday season.


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Home Shopping Network crime spree – When will the madness end?

Considering the News…

The Home Shopping Network is renowned for its worldly products and seductive bargains…We’re not only going to slash the original price, but we’re going to take another 25 dollars off and throw in a Russian made-for-order bride and a Swiss Army knife to the next 50 callers…Who can beat that? You can’t. You won’t.

You see, there’s successful business models, piss-poor business models, and then there’s the Home Shopping Network – the house of essentials glistening on a staged hill.

Marketing and advertising are unshakable staples of the consumer economy, yet the Home Shopping Network has thrived by taking chances, testing limits like Rosie O in spandex at a $7.95 Chinese buffet. Indeed, HSN doesn’t market in the traditional sense, like say, Hardees jamming the double bacon monster burger down the throats of the imminent triple-bypass crowd…too damn easy. The strategy of short-sighted simpletons.

Instead, at HSN, the actual product is the marketing.

Sexy vixens massaging fishing poles. Loquacious butchers slicing scintillating Omaha steaks. Sexy vixens massaging lotions into palms and forearms, lotions with which one might massage and lotion other things. Loquacious butchers now drilling through 28 stuffed Turduckens. Sexy vixen massaging Omaha steaks.

Doesn’t matter what the product is, just who’s drilling, slicing or cradling the thing. And it works. It’s entertaining. Enlightening. Addictive. How addictive, you ask…

A former bank teller who pleaded guilty to embezzlement told investigators she was addicted to a cable TV shopping network.

Cassandra Ryder, a former teller at the Branch Banking & Trust (BB&T) in Copperhill, Tenn., said she often purchased items from the network with the embezzled funds.

Ryder was sentenced Monday to 15 months in prison for embezzling $134,000 between January 2005 and September 2007

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Victoria’s Secret Bras Mutilate Breasts – No Bra Look to Return

Considering the News…

At one time or another everyone has been mentally scarred by images of the 1960s feminist hippie fashion rebellion, namely the unabashed bra-less look that insulted man’s imagination the country over. Certain staples of the era will never be forgotten; melodies and visions of reckless jubilation seared permanently into the senses.

There was the free-flowing music, the psychedelic drugs, the unbridled locks of hair…and millions upon millions of pointy nipples challenging the barriers of flimsy fabrics. At times, there was no fabric whatsoever – just millions of pointy nipples.

Is this what you want, America?

Is this what you want, America?

But we progressed as a society, eventually arriving at point in the 1990s when lift bras gave every woman (ok, many women) the seductive boost of long-forgotten Greek goddesses. Women and men everywhere rejoiced, as it seemed fashion, comfort and lust had finally arrived at that distant apex of visual sensation. And times were damn good for all of us.

However, recent negligence by America’s favorite bra-maker – Victoria’s Secret – risks erasing decades of work. A class action lawsuit has been filed against the sex tease conglomerate, and the looming implications are dire. Apparently the latest lines have been causing rashes, hives, scars, and even welts on the bosoms of society, and the country’s women are answering with vigor.

Which, of course, spells imminent doom for the curious and admiring gentlemen of the world. Today it’s a class action lawsuit, tomorrow it’s a complete rejection of the technology altogether. We could be facing a savage return to the past, to a time dominated by drooping flesh and vulgar fabric penetration.

Indeed, it’s a sad day. Hopefully Victoria’s Secret gets its shit together and fixes the glitches. Rebellion would lead to misery. Salvation is in their hands. If not for the comfort of our women, then at least for the sake of our treasured catalogues. Only time will tell.

Call up your congressmen - there's too much at stake.

Call up your congressmen and congresswomen - there's too much at stake.


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Wii and Guitar Hero Running Low – Sweater Industry Booms – Cheetah Girl Saves the Day

Considering the News…

I’m making a bold prediction right now – this will be the worst Christmas in the history of man. Indeed, this holiday season is going to be one jock-thrashing disappointment after another, as a piss-poor economy means half as many gifts under the tree, perhaps even less than that. (Note: for those households not fortunate enough to have any gifts in previous years, expect the status quo).

For the rest of you, brace yourselves for the worst. By “worst” I naturally mean an abundance of sweaters, socks, and white tee-shirts. Expect unexplainable and obviously pre-owned gifts, like deformed picture frames, full-grown plants, half-dead plants, deodorant featuring random hairs, gift certificates to restaurants defunct since 2002, Pezz dispensers with the Pezz already in it, and windshield scrapers with half the brush bristles already frayed.

What grand gifts await you this Christmas?

What grand gifts await you this Christmas?

It’s going to be that brutal. Many will wish for February before the college football bowl season is even half over. Some might even pretend Christmas just isn’t coming this year. Many children will be confused, having previously believed the shitload of sweet gifts was an every year affair. Well, I got news for the no-good spoiled brats of the world – it’s not. When good-paying jobs are going out of style, cutting the fat is the only way to get by.

For those privileged few who believe devastation awaits everyone but you this December, here’s a little needle to sit your fat ass on. That Guitar Hero: World Tour you’re planning on rocking out to in your closed-foot jammies? It’s sold out, fucker.

Or that Wii Fitness you assumed would help carve that lumpy and bloated figure back down to your old fighting weight? There’s a better chance one of the Cheetah Girls takes pictures of her sweet, naked rump, uploads them on her computer, proceeds to leave that computer in an airport, the computer is found, then infiltrated, and the result is the pictures coming to the Internet for the enjoyment of every heterosexual male with five minutes and Wi-Fi.

Hmm. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will find its way into the lives of the lucky few with the audacity to believe. This might not be such a disastrous holiday season after all.


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