Tag Archives: Election 2008 Coverage

A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

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Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

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Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

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Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.

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McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…

Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.

As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.

“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”

Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.

“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”

Fair enough.

McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.

He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.

“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”

And thank god.

John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.

He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.

Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.

“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.

“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”

Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.

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Watching football with Barack – McCain packs his bags

John McCain is in some serious shit.

His chances at the White House are fading faster than Elizabeth Taylor’s sense of reality. Even Palin’s questioning the dire outlook, wishing she wouldn’t have muted Desperate Housewives to pick up the phone and accept the invitation onto the Sidestepping Express.

The Associated Press released a poll today that likely spells the end of yet another failed presidential run for Maverick Mac. Numbers seldom lie, not unless age, weight or infidelities are involved. And these numbers had to steal Mac’s breath like a piece of steak fat caught in the throat – More Americans would prefer catching a football game with Barack, a devastating statistic that analysts say is more representative of the electorate body than favorableness or confidence polls.

If someone can’t fathom spending an entire Saturday or Sunday afternoon with you watching pigskins fly, there’s not a chance in hell they will stomach voting you into office. Not when it means four, possibly eight, years of unexpected game interruptions so you can blather on about international crises, economic fallouts, and the like, while the Packers and Cowboys are duking it out in overtime.

No, not in this country. Not now. Not when football’s only competition for attention on the weekend is sex. Even that barely holds weight in a showdown with such a formidable opponent. The excitement and promise for rewards just isn’t there like it is on the gridiron.

Thus McCain better ignite the farewell tour. Shake hands with the folks who made ill-advised donations to the campaign. Apologize to the state of Alaska for dragging their beautiful state through the muck while their once-revered governor flashes her brutal scabs and bruises to the entire country…world.

Indeed, sitting next to Mac for an entire football game, let alone an entire day of games, would be nearly insufferable. The irrelevant comments. The contrived chuckles. The sporadic farts and burps. The continual flip-flopping through the game’s entirety, always rooting on the winning team. Eating all the god damn pretzels…not what this country needs right now.

Dirty Bill and W? The country would surely catch a game with either one of them. Put politics aside. Bring out the beers, let W chop the rails, and enjoy a clash of titans. Barack would fit right into the party. Him and W telling old stories like they were college roommates. Bill brings the ladies and James Carville taps the keg – enough said.

But McCain? No, the only thing worthwhile he would bring to the soiree is Sarah Palin. And she doesn’t even like football. She would suggest we turn on the Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Maple Leafs match. People would stare. Frightened stares.

And then collectively think – and we were this close to putting these people in the White House.

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