Tag Archives: Election 2008

McCarthyism is alive and well…let the witch hunt begin

Considering the News…

Sometimes it’s not a democrat and republican thing. Sometimes the beef isn’t between different ethnic groups, or genders, or SUV and hybrid drivers, or missionary thrusters and reverse-cowboy riders.

Sometimes it’s the straight delusional and paranoid folks versus the rest of the sane and sober (maybe not the right word) citizens of the country.

And when the desperately warped minds of the former get charged up on hate and vengeance, then it’s time for a good old fashioned witch hunt.

Bring out the pitchforks, wash the white sheets, and fire up the torches, because there’s outsiders among us, and lord knows that shit doesn’t fly with the deranged minds mistaking prejudice for patriotism.

Indeed, Minnesota Congresswoman, republican Michelle Bachmann, has been reading the McCarthy Doctrine by candlelight and getting off on historical accounts of the Salem Witch Trials.

She’s studied up. She’s been working out. She’s ready.

Now this lame headline grabber is plotting against a democrat-controlled congress and White House, assuming Barack Obama wins the election, by summoning the media to conduct a thorough investigation of congress.

For what? Get this: Anti-Americanism.

Oooooh.

No, this isn’t a twisted and demented Halloween gag. It’s craziness at it’s worst.

Anti-Americanism? What? Why?

Because Barack “Yes my middle name is Hussein – Got a fucking problem with it?” Obama is on the White House front stoop. He’s “measuring the curtains” and changing the sheets and finding kinky spots for him to get presidential on Michelle’s ass…

And Bachmann’s not having it. She’s prepared to drag every democrat (it’s safe to assume that party will be the primary target) in Washington across the fiery coals of lunacy, because damn it! she’s a patriot.

But is she? Is she really? Perhaps not.

It’s one thing to ridicule a senator for voting against funding the troops or for not wearing a freaking Senate pin on the lapel or suggesting Americans pay taxes – and it’s another thing to wage war against half the country because your grip on power is weakening.

But that’s what some republicans are doing these days, more or less. Whether it’s saying “I know a liberal when I see one” or “Senator Obama’s economic policies sound like pure socialism” or “He’s not a Christian, so he must be anti-American” – some just resort to stigmatism.

Fuck talking issues or policies or ideas, let’s just label and castrate those who disagree with us.

After all, that’s what democracy’s all about. Right?

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Bush-McCain comparisons valid – sort of

Considering the News…

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, it’s not exactly “Britney’s prego again!” breaking news, but a simple reminder of how fragmented the Bush administration has been.

Essentially the White House has been fractured into two parts – W and all the good old boys like Mean Dick, Rove, Scooter, and the like…and then everyone else, namely the disillusioned few W has told to fuck off a time or two before.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with this. America wants a leader. Someone to tell Gorbachev to wipe the Soviet tears from his eyes and do away with the walls of terror and injustice.

But when does the cowboy finally saddle over the line? At what point do the congenial PTA-parents, church-going do-gooders, and everyday brown-nosing sandbaggers finally say, “Does this lunatic listen to anyone?”

Bush hands McCain the keys

Bush hands McCain the keys

That should be our most pressing concern in regards to drawing Bush-McCain comparisons. Not the “90 percent of the time” or “Four more years of failed economic policy” or “10 billion dollars a month in Iraq.”

Those lines are trivial garbage, for certainly the most jagged scars on the ass of W’s presidency won’t be the doomed policies he insisted on perpetuating, but the actual insistence with which he implemented them.

Many presidents employ fallacies for policies, which can often be attributed to the incompetence of a collective cabinet. But not Bush. No, his problem is the arrogant, recluse manner in which he made his every decision.

And a McCain presidency promises more of the same.

Never mind the occupation of Iraq, the slumping economy, and the erratic immigration – these issues are frightening, yet no more so than the social cancers that lurched in the American bellies of yesteryear.

So it is imperative the country’s leaders begin taking a collective and all-inclusive approach to these problems.

Only then will our leaders prove triumphant once again. Citizens will rejoice. Confetti will rain on Times Square. Even Tara Reid’s saggy sack of cottage cheese in back won’t appear as gruesome.

But such a scenarior will never materialize behind the leadership of yet another “cowboy” or “maverick” or “reformer” or “friendless straight talking renegade.”

“Talk softly and carry a big stick,” is what Teddy Roosevelt used to say.

Maybe when historians reflect on a Barack Obama presidency they will attribute a similarly epic and transcendent phrase – “Listen closely and never act alone.”

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New McCain strategy – defend Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

John McCain’s going on the defensive for his new son-in-law, Joe the Plumber.

After latching his campaign to the anti-socialist Mr. Clean fanatic, McCain now looks to score points by accusing Obama’s camp of bringing down poor Joe.

While I’m sure the O-Team relishes the fact Joe the Plumber is a 40K-a-year nobody and not an authentic 250K-earning potential small business owner, the media lunatics raiding Toledo are responsible for the vicious revelations concerning this political creature – not Obama staffers.

Hence McCain’s desperate strategy. By going after Obama for going after America’s premier plumber’s crack, McCain-Palin is employing yet another “he’s not really like us” tactic.

Will it work? Probably not. But the more people talk about a tax-evading plumber, the better off McCain is.

Obama wants to talk about issues – doesn’t every politician – but McCain needs people to forget about the slumping economy and the seedy republican party the country predominately associates it with.

And he needs them to forget fast. For it doesn’t matter whose policies are better, as Obama wins the economy debate by default. Not tax codes.

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Hugh Hefner endorses McCain…Then Reneges

Corrupting the News…

Hugh Hefner is a big John McCain fan. At least he was.

Having endorsed McCain several weeks back, saying the two shared the same taste in women, now Hefner wants his endorsement and his girlfriend back.

Rumors are circulating betwixt Hollywood insiders that former Hef lover and star of E!’s The Girls Next Door, Holly Madison, has abandoned the publishing icon for a presidential candidate ten years his younger.

Hugh reaches for his Viagra

Hugh realizes he left the Viagra on his bureau

“Obviously age played a big part in her decision,” said Laura Heart, managing editor of Hollywood Smut. “Holly finally realized Hef was just too old to realistically have a future with him. John McCain’s youth and energy has revivified her. It’s a complete transformation.”

The Hefner-Madison fallout initially seemed a natural occurence, as the blonde vixen’s star power has climbed steadily since the show’s debut in 2001. However, her decison to move from the Playboy Mansion to the White House startled even her closest friends.

“I really thought Holly would take some personal time before jumping into another relationship, but her spontaneity has always been one of her best qualities – that and her breasts anyway,” said Rachel Ford, one of Madison’s closest confidantes.

The McCain campaign hopes Holly and McCain’s relationship – which they insist is somewhat platonic – can provide the same momentum boost seen when Sarah Palin was added to the ticket.

“The more sexy women McCain has at his side, the better off he is with independent male voters between the ages of 18 and 108,” said McCain spokesman, Todd Clary. “Experience and fancy rhetoric garner a lot of votes, but nothing sways the American male electorate like 36-Cs.”

Hefner has yet to make any public comments on the situation, though sources in the Playboy Mansion said he isn’t taking this lightly.

“There’s two things Hef hates losing – money and women,” the source said. “He’s obviously distraught right now, but he still has his millions of dollars and dozens of women, so I think he’ll get by. He actually has a pair of Playboy twins moving in soon. And when I say twins, I mean twins.”

When asked by reporters how she felt about the campaign addition, Cindy McCain said she wasn’t worried the least bit.

“If John thinks her tits won’t sag in twenty years, then he’s got another thing coming,” she said. “Besides, I’m the one with all the money in this marriage. If John wants to go broke for a busty chest, then I hope the two of them don’t mind living on welfare. It would probably change his entire platform.”

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Palin Discloses State Spending Checkbook

Corrupting the News…

Sarah Palin is earnest about absolute government transparency and accountability, so much so the Alaska governor’s office is now releasing comprehensive spending records from her time in office.

Answering the calls of media critics accusing her of cloaking controversial documents as governor, Palin aims to reassure voters that she will bring pure change to a “greedy and corrupt” Washington.

“America wants honest leaders, so I want to show them I got nothin’ to hide,” Palin said. “If Barack Obama is serious about being president, I would hope he does the same.”

Palin declined to comment on the fact Senator Obama has never held an executive office, and thus has never assumed responsibility of a comparable checkbook. She also appeared quite dumbfounded when reporters informed her of the federal government already having full disclosure at USASpending.gov, where Obama’s spending records are easily accessible.

Palin charged Alaskan taxpayers $875 in October of 2007 for a professional fisherman to land her a prize catch.

Palin charged Alaskan taxpayers $875 in October of 2007 for a professional fisherman to land her a prize catch.

“Well, it’s about darn time,” Palin said. “I’ll have to have someone on my staff read those and see what he’s been up to.”

Some notable expenditures of Governor Sarah Palin’s:

  • $1,200 to Winchester Ammunition: One-time payment for year’s supply of shotgun shells and limited edition Teddy Roosevelt cartridges.
  • $2,700 to COVERGIRL: One-time payment for basics cosmetics, including 27 tubes of lip gloss.
  • $2.95 to Amazon.com: One-time payment for copy of The U.S. Constitution:And Fascinating Facts About It. (Accounting Note: This purchase was later returned. A full refund was granted.)
  • $2,800 to Pitbull Breeding Co.: One-time payment for 10 female and 2 male bulldogs.
  • $4,800 to Michael Vick Dogfighting, Inc.: One-time payment for complete dogfighting kit, including cages, training videos, and whips.
  • $79 to Bikini Unlimited: One-time payment for American flag bikini.
  • $6,600 to Tanning Bed Paradise: One-time payment for personal tanning bed, plus installation.
  • $397 to Hank’s Knives: One-time payment for complete moose-scalping knife collection.
  • $900 to Mounting Industries: One-time payment for moose-head mounting kit.

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McCain the Nazi…Played integral role in Iran-Contra affair

Corrupting the News…

John McCain the Nazi sympathizer? Barack Obama thinks so.

The Obama camp reignited the conversation regarding McCain’s ties with an ultra-right-wing, pro-Nazi death squad involved in the Iran-Contra affair during the mid-1980s.

McCain and Bush Heil Hitler?

McCain and Bush Hail Hitler?

The move comes in response to Sarah Palin unleashing some savage witchery in Florida on Monday, condemning Obama for “palling around with terrorists” and “speaking too el-o-gently for a man of color.”

“You just don’t go there in American politics,” said Stevie Johns, an Obama spokesman. “If you can’t talk about your slutty daughter getting knocked up in high school, then how the hell are you gonna talk about Obama being a fucking terrorist? When she said that shit, we knew it was time to smack a bitch. That bitch, of course, being McCain. Not Palin, who…well, you get the point.”

McCain played the ignorance card when responding, saying that he “didn’t know whether the (U.S. Council For World Freedom’s) actions were legal or illegal,” but that he just “thought the Swastika tattoos were pretty neat.”

“I guess you could say I was a bit out of touch – he he he he he he,” McCain said amidst an insufferable spurt of awkward laughs. “Guess the liberals won’t be able to blame it on my age anymore.”

The U.S. Council For World Freedom funded covert arms shipments to the Contra Rebels, a mission funded with underground arms sales to Iran. However, McCain denies having knowledge of any wrongdoing.

“I didn’t know what was going on really, I just liked that my name was on their letterhead,” McCain said of his involvement with USCFWF. “I didn’t have many friends when I first came to Washington, and here was a group putting a hand out to a young congressman from Arizona. I wasn’t really a Nazi, but Hitler had always been a big inspiration for me. I’ve always kind of tried to emulate his demeanor. So I joined.”

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

The Obama staff also released a statement concerning the democratic nominee’s links to the Weather Underground, a domestic terrorist ring that accomplished little in the 1960s.

“After further review, we still find that Senator Obama was only eight years old when the Weather Underground was wreaking havoc in Washington, making any direct connections a stretch at best. Obama is a man of diplomacy, not bombs.”

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Palin draws record crowds…aims to whoo Bono

Corrupting the News…Sarah Palin appeared before record crowds in Florida over the weekend, as she continues boosting her celebrity status by trumpeting McCain’s agenda with a straight face.

A storm of hip-failing retirees – by some estimates 80-90 percent of Florida’s documented population – endured near triple digit temperatures to catch a glimpse of the conservative hockey mom who is storming the country with a bible, 2500-dollar suits, and a “Red lipstick’s not just for whores” attitude.

To the dismay of McCain staffers, there were no heat-related injuries, deaths, falls or stains reported.

“It’s a god damn miracle we didn’t have any casualties,” said McCain Florida co-chairman, Scott Stalwart. “Like we always say, if you’re older than the temperature, maybe you shouldn’t be outside. That’s especially true when it’s 95 freaking degrees out there.”

Nearly one million retired Floridians unfolded lawn chairs, threw open sun umbrellas, lathered on chicken grease and canceled tee times, to hear Palin deliver an impassioned speech…written by a McCain speech writer the day before while Palin took her kids to Disney World.

“We wanted Sarah to say something fresh, because the hockey routine just isn’t resonating in Florida” said McCain speech writer, Chuck Fallery. “Other than golf, shuffleboard, yachting and plastic surgery, these folks don’t care about much else except money. So we had Sarah talk about just that – how the radically liberal Barack Obama’s gonna steal their money.”

Until they can bolster Palin’s confidence, the McCain camp has elected to resist non-staged questioning. However, one withered old man circumvented the system and brought his own loud speaker.

“Explain your extravagant budgets and tax hikes in Wasilla! You’re no Republican!

Palin responded coyly by saying, “I was against that budget after I realized the political fallout it wrought.”

The crowd was littered with a litany of pro-Palin signs.

Palin for President……When I grow up, I want to be Sarah Palin…….When I have my surgeries, I’ll be Sarah Palin……..I have a dream – a wet one…….Unborn babies for Palin…….Helicopters and Shotguns for Palin……..Drill, Baby, Drill…….If duct tape don’t work, slap some lipstick on it………………

This was the first opportunity for Floridians to observe the vice presidential candidate in person, and she didn’t disappoint.

“Normally, I need pills for this kind of excitement,” said Thomas Clayborn, an 87-year-old from Tampa. “This was like a freebie, a freebie that proves there’s still quite a bit of blood in these veins.”

James Conway echoed these sentiments, saying his 91-year-old wife typically frowns on him admiring stage shows featuring this much “va-va-voom.”

“Sarah Palin strutted on stage, and I knew within 38 seconds that she had my vote,” Conway said. “If it doesn’t happen within 38 seconds, then it won’t happen. My wife, Linda, looked over at me and smiled. Sarah Palin in the White House will be great for our marriage.”

When asked if Palin would make any Florida campaign stops outside of retirement communities – generally republican strong holds – the McCain camp said there was a strong possibility.

“We would be extremely naive to believe we can carry Florida without the Hispanic vote,” said Stalwart. “Hispanic men between the ages of 18 and 65 have responded strongly to Sarah Palin. They like her message too.”

In a side story, Sarah Palin will meet with former great musician, Bono, this week. It is unknown what the two could possibly have to discuss, but insiders say Palin is a tremendous fan of his music and purple sunglasses.

“That one song, ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’ has been playing non-stop on Sarah’s iPod since the 13 main subpoenaed witnesses baled on her ethics hearing last week,” said Palin personal music assistant, DJ Bulldog. “Plus, purple glasses hide the wrinkles around the eyes. She’s examining all beauty tips in a bipartisan manner.”

Change we can believe in.

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