Tag Archives: Election Coverage

Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…

The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.

Palin has spent the past week doing one media interview after another, refusing to freely say what everyone already knows is coming, “Heck ya I’m running in two thousand and twelve – you betcha!” Which is fine by me. She can parade the Wasilla Five (Six including Todd) around the country all she wants, but claiming God as a political adviser has passed the point of disturbing.

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in a Fox News interview. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

(Note: That is a verbatim Palin quote – no comedic alterations needed.)

Anyhow, I cannot claim to comprehend the ways of the Almighty Power, but some assumptions – no matter how unusual – can be easily made.

1. God didn’t give you that Academy Award, so quit crying, quit thanking him, and give some props to the 400 people who grinded out 100-hour weeks for 3 months to make sure your untalented ass could claim such a prize.

2. God simply grants unexplainable breaks to some sports teams and not others, but there’s no reasoning behind it…otherwise the Cubs, Clippers, and Cardinals (NFL) would have caught one or two over the last grueling century.

3. God is present in more prison cells than confession booths. Don’t believe me? Then consider how many inmates have found Jesus and how many priests have found the zipper on little Timmy’s Wrangler Jeans.

4. God doesn’t need the repeated shout-outs when you’re grinding in the love sack. He knows what you’re doing. He knows exactly what you’re doing. And if it isn’t strictly for reproductive purposes, or if it in anyway involves the phrase “Hey, I picked up this KY the other day, let’s try something new,” then you likely won’t be seeing Him in the after life.

5. God plays little to no role in Presidential elections. He’s already afforded the majority of American citizens the gift of rational thought, therefore, His main role is mostly as an amused spectator.

So sorry, Sarah, that door you keep referring to is already slammed shut. And if you don’t believe me, then perhaps you should concede already and let Todd breakout that KY he picked up a few weeks back. Then you’ll see.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

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A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

obama_chicago

Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

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43 white guys and Barack

Considering the News…

Holy freaking shit. 43 white guys preceded Barack Obama to the White House. Maybe there was a reason Jackie Robinson wore the number 44 then.

Barack Obama’s landslide victory validates the notion America is prepared for seminal change, deviating not just from our old political practices, but the traditional norms and accepted social perceptions that have plagued our country like a bubbling case of syphilis for centuries.

It signifies a great leap for our still young republic. Landing on the moon was invoked many times tonight, and Barack himself alluded to the barriers overcome with the monumental collapse of the Berlin wall. Surprisingly, there was no mention of Moses splitting the Red Sea (at least not on the programs I stumbled across).

Obama spoke of a 106-year-old woman surviving decades of racial and gender discrimination, living long enough to touch a magic computer screen and help pave a sterling road for the first black man into the White House.

This epic moment was celebrated with the most magnanimous political spectacle the country has ever seen. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of citizens flocked into Grant Park like Woodstock was cracking off again. There were no hippies – well probably a few – just mostly the regular whirlwind of fellow Americans you live and work with everyday. And it wasn’t melodies and dance they came for, but the inspiring rhetoric of a true leader, words illuminating a new direction.

And those words soared through the crowd, striking visions of hope and fresh prosperity in the eyes of every onlooker, billowing about like the flurries of a fresh beginning. I am not a biblical man, however, I understand the power of a figure, a message, and a time colliding together before the awe-struck hearts and faces of a common people enduring common struggles.

Barack Obama did that tonight. He reminded us of an American dream, one that seemed too elusive and unreachable to strive for in past days. And it was a moving thing to witness. The kind of thing you witness and immediately recognize to be unrivaled greatness. The kind of thing you sit back and marvel at.

Probably kind of like watching Jackie Robinson sliding into home, when he was the only man of his kind in sight.

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Poll Problems: Florida urban areas boast ONE voting booth

Considering the News…

Writing that headline made my ears ring for some reason. A loud, piercing ring showed up and I’m uncertain whether I should expect it to quiet in the coming hours, or even coming days for that matter.

A story from the Huffington Post, credited to TMZ (still confused why that particular institution got involved), reports that heavily-populated areas in urban Florida only have one freaking polling booth.

How the hell is this possible? Coming from a remotely-populated area in the Midwest, my polling place featured 10 voting booths and probably just as many people waiting in line to usethem. And yet the drastically saturated areas of the country (battleground states at that) have only one damn booth for thousands of voters…hmm.

A travesty of the worst kind. I’m utterly appalled, as well as frightened. The ghost of Katherine Harris is evidently alive and well in Florida. And that’s scary shit.

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Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

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Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.

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Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers – the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

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