Tag Archives: Election Coverage

Alaska to God, it’s me Sarah Palin

Considering the News…

The election is now a week behind us, yet Sarah Palin’s religious and political delusions are worse than ever. Some wise sage in her Alaskan entourage (there must be at least one) needs to pull the moose queen aside and tell her to pull it together, because this shit is getting downright embarrassing.

Palin has spent the past week doing one media interview after another, refusing to freely say what everyone already knows is coming, “Heck ya I’m running in two thousand and twelve – you betcha!” Which is fine by me. She can parade the Wasilla Five (Six including Todd) around the country all she wants, but claiming God as a political adviser has passed the point of disturbing.

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” Palin said in a Fox News interview. “And if there is an open door in ’12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

(Note: That is a verbatim Palin quote – no comedic alterations needed.)

Anyhow, I cannot claim to comprehend the ways of the Almighty Power, but some assumptions – no matter how unusual – can be easily made.

1. God didn’t give you that Academy Award, so quit crying, quit thanking him, and give some props to the 400 people who grinded out 100-hour weeks for 3 months to make sure your untalented ass could claim such a prize.

2. God simply grants unexplainable breaks to some sports teams and not others, but there’s no reasoning behind it…otherwise the Cubs, Clippers, and Cardinals (NFL) would have caught one or two over the last grueling century.

3. God is present in more prison cells than confession booths. Don’t believe me? Then consider how many inmates have found Jesus and how many priests have found the zipper on little Timmy’s Wrangler Jeans.

4. God doesn’t need the repeated shout-outs when you’re grinding in the love sack. He knows what you’re doing. He knows exactly what you’re doing. And if it isn’t strictly for reproductive purposes, or if it in anyway involves the phrase “Hey, I picked up this KY the other day, let’s try something new,” then you likely won’t be seeing Him in the after life.

5. God plays little to no role in Presidential elections. He’s already afforded the majority of American citizens the gift of rational thought, therefore, His main role is mostly as an amused spectator.

So sorry, Sarah, that door you keep referring to is already slammed shut. And if you don’t believe me, then perhaps you should concede already and let Todd breakout that KY he picked up a few weeks back. Then you’ll see.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

God originally wanted Sarah Palin to be the best weekend sports anchor in Alaskan history.

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A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

obama_chicago

Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

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43 white guys and Barack

Considering the News…

Holy freaking shit. 43 white guys preceded Barack Obama to the White House. Maybe there was a reason Jackie Robinson wore the number 44 then.

Barack Obama’s landslide victory validates the notion America is prepared for seminal change, deviating not just from our old political practices, but the traditional norms and accepted social perceptions that have plagued our country like a bubbling case of syphilis for centuries.

It signifies a great leap for our still young republic. Landing on the moon was invoked many times tonight, and Barack himself alluded to the barriers overcome with the monumental collapse of the Berlin wall. Surprisingly, there was no mention of Moses splitting the Red Sea (at least not on the programs I stumbled across).

Obama spoke of a 106-year-old woman surviving decades of racial and gender discrimination, living long enough to touch a magic computer screen and help pave a sterling road for the first black man into the White House.

This epic moment was celebrated with the most magnanimous political spectacle the country has ever seen. Hundred of thousands, perhaps millions, of citizens flocked into Grant Park like Woodstock was cracking off again. There were no hippies – well probably a few – just mostly the regular whirlwind of fellow Americans you live and work with everyday. And it wasn’t melodies and dance they came for, but the inspiring rhetoric of a true leader, words illuminating a new direction.

And those words soared through the crowd, striking visions of hope and fresh prosperity in the eyes of every onlooker, billowing about like the flurries of a fresh beginning. I am not a biblical man, however, I understand the power of a figure, a message, and a time colliding together before the awe-struck hearts and faces of a common people enduring common struggles.

Barack Obama did that tonight. He reminded us of an American dream, one that seemed too elusive and unreachable to strive for in past days. And it was a moving thing to witness. The kind of thing you witness and immediately recognize to be unrivaled greatness. The kind of thing you sit back and marvel at.

Probably kind of like watching Jackie Robinson sliding into home, when he was the only man of his kind in sight.

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Poll Problems: Florida urban areas boast ONE voting booth

Considering the News…

Writing that headline made my ears ring for some reason. A loud, piercing ring showed up and I’m uncertain whether I should expect it to quiet in the coming hours, or even coming days for that matter.

A story from the Huffington Post, credited to TMZ (still confused why that particular institution got involved), reports that heavily-populated areas in urban Florida only have one freaking polling booth.

How the hell is this possible? Coming from a remotely-populated area in the Midwest, my polling place featured 10 voting booths and probably just as many people waiting in line to usethem. And yet the drastically saturated areas of the country (battleground states at that) have only one damn booth for thousands of voters…hmm.

A travesty of the worst kind. I’m utterly appalled, as well as frightened. The ghost of Katherine Harris is evidently alive and well in Florida. And that’s scary shit.

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Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

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Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.

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Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers – the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

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More Republicans endorse Obama – McCain gets Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

On the same day John McCain sealed the deal with the most coveted voter in America (at least in terms of insignificant people who somehow earned undeserved fame), Barack Obama continued reeling in big catches from the GOP pond.

Ronald Reagan’s chief of staff is the latest McCain political casualty, as Ken Duberstein announced he will be voting for Barack Obama come Tuesday.

He joins numerous other lifelong conservatives who feel, among other things, that Obama’s potential for greatness outweighs McCain’s lengthy record of “being a true American.”

Here’s a short list of other republicans dazzled by the light streaming from Obama’s campaign:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

Former Solicitor General for Reagan, Charles Fried

Former South Dakota Senator, Larry Pressler

Former Maryland Senator, Charles Mathias

Former Rhode Island Senator, Lincoln Chafee

Former Massachusettes Governor, William Weld

Former Minnesota Governor, Arne Carlson

Former Bush Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

Former Iowa Congressman, Jim Leach

….You will notice the word “former” precedes many of these distinguished names, thus the McCain camp obviously downplays these figures as irrelevant. However, consider how many times McCain and Palin have invoked the name Reagan in this campaign, and it’s easy to deduce what’s happening.

McCain and Palin say the name Reagan hoping to coerce voters into thinking their broken policies and campaign will somehow translate to a presidency similar to that of President Reagan.

Well, if his own staffers don’t believe it…then why the hell should we?

But good job on the Joe the Plumber endorsement, Senator McCain. It’s a really big deal. Really. I mean that.

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

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1 in 7 still undecided? Who the hell are these people?

Considering the News…

There’s so many poll numbers out right now the backs of my eyes throb and my hands are shaking. It’s not even noon but I know a stiff drink might be the only thing to remedy the anxiety. Can’t imagine how Obama’s feeling right now. He has to be fiendish for a smoke, wondering what harm two or six puffs actually inflict.

Despite brewing relatively sizable leads in most polls not conducted by Fox News or the McCain camp, Obama still fears his fate rests with those mindboggled undecideds. They’re scary people for a candidate like him. So persuadable…”moveable” or “changeable” as they’re often called.

A Yahoo!-Associated Press poll says 14 percent have no freaking clue who they’ll vote for. 14 percent! That’s 1 in 7 people who get to the front of the McDonald’s line and act like they’re really pondering some unprecedented order, only to decide on the same Big Mac meal they get every other damn time. Not good for the new chicken wrap that is Barack’s candidacy.

The Washington Post estimates the clueless society to be closer to 10 percent, which is several points lower than this same time in 2000 and 2004. So I suppose we’re at least making some progress as a society.

The McCain camp is confident the majority of undecideds will secretly, quietly sneak over to the maverick, come election day, saying this sector of the electorate are, “older, downscale, more rural and are certainly economically stressed.”

Older, downscale, more rural. I won’t speculate what this really means, but I’m confident in my readers’ intelligence and ability to decipher the GOP code inherent in that statement.

But luckily these undecideds have wittled away at these candidates’ stances, as the Associated Press reports that when “Asked where they disagree with Obama, changeable voters most frequently mention taxes and the economy, health care, abortion and social issues such as gun control, and personal traits including his race and his honesty. For McCain, it’s the economy and taxes, health care, foreign policy and abortion.”

So there you have it. They disagee with both candidates on taxes, the economy, health care, and abortion. However, McCain has a slight disadvantage on foreign policy, and Obama is struggling with race and guns.

That’s right, you just read that correctly. This election will boil down to race, guns and war. Phew! It’s a goddamn relief we at least have our priorities straight.

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Obama’s final 30 minutes

Considering the News…

Several days remain in this endless election, but tonight signified Barack Obama’s final 30 minutes of the campaign. He’s given the rib-rattling speeches. Told every version of his American dream story. Sold most elements of his policies. Shook millions of worried hands. And now there aren’t many lines he can butter without sounding like a syndicated rerun.

If Obama doesn’t win the election, it’s safe to say this country truly is doomed. Sitting here 30 minutes after his 30 minute special, I’m left wondering what else America could want in a president at this time, in this corrupted economy, and with the American dream slipping further and further from the reach of us common citizens.

It was a genuine depiction of his vision and values. From spending time with his daughters reading Harry Potter to expressing the need for helping legacy workers achieve the same success as their fathers, mothers, and grandparents, Obama emphasized the need to view all people as common Americans, with similar dreams, matching desires, and unequivocal suffering.

We all want something better. Few Americans can proclaim their lives to be perfect, even though we all strive for such euphoria, so why perpetuate the fallacies of our past by voting for it again.

To many, political inclinations are burdensome, but they have become increasingly necessary these past few years, when our country’s leaders proved not to be leaders at all. Thus the search for unadulterated landscapes was launched by the indignant masses. And we are now on the precipice of a distant arrival.

This election and these dire times have illuminated the social, economic and cultural travesties that plague our daily lives. All of our lives. Everyday. But people still thirst for a shot of undiluted sweetness, a shot of what our forefathers must have been shit-faced on.

Now change looms. Hope thrives. The American dream will prevail. And Barack Obama is a momentous step in that direction.

So why not take this 30 minutes he offered and consider what the next 30 years can sow if we plant the seeds of prosperity and hope today. I know I’ll be in the voting booth endorsing Barack Obama for president next Tuesday. I hope a few of you join me

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Halloween Costumes for the Candidates

Corrupting the News…

With the Halloween shenanigans nearly upon us, I suspect it’s high time we give some earnest thought to what costumes the candidates will be wearing to their sexy parties this weekend. I know, they’ll likely be much too busy pandering to the masses to even enjoy the festivities, but where would be as people without speculating about this type of shit every now and again?

John McCain: Well, according to Joe Biden, John McCain would make a damn fine President Bush. I’m not certain he can pull off the smirk and head nods, but simply wearing a suit and parading around with his voting record in hand would create a rather convincing illusion.

Runner up: The cowboy from the Village People. Wait, that whole “can’t raise his arms above his shoulders” would likely screw him on that ‘YMCA’ deal.

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

McCain would fit right in with the Village People

Third Place: A baby with pacifier and bonnet. Decent way to distract voters from his biggest flaw – being a rusty heart beat away from handing the presidency to Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama: Joe the Plumber. This simultaneously accomplishes two things: 1) Probably secures the most sought after vote in the country – that damn Joe Wurzelbacher. 2) Makes people think Obama really is an “average Joe” and thus dismisses any excuses for paranoid citizens who are reluctant to put a check mark next to the name “Barack Hussein Obama.

Runner up: George “The Ice Man” Gervin. Since Obama enjoys hooping it up on the basketball court, why not go as the silky smooth Ice Man. Just makes sense.

Nobody's smoother than the Ice Man - except maybe Obama

Nobody is smoother than the Ice Man...Barack maybe?

Third place: George W Bush. Halloween is synonymous with scary and freaky shit. What’s scarier and freakier than that…I’m even sweating right now just thinking about it.

Sarah Palin: A lawyer specializing in Constitutional Law. There’s nothing more endearing than a funny costume, and this would have the people rolling about wildly. Plus, it would boost her image for that big presidential run in 2012. You know, so it looks like she might have read a few lines of the Constitution at one time or another.

Runner up: A two-timing street-walking hustler. Wait a second…

Third place: Hillary Clinton. This would be McCain’s dream materializing right before our eyes, as Hillary’s ardent supporters scoot over to the right for this election. You didn’t actually think Palin was picked for her experience or governing abilities, did you?

Joe Biden: A silent nun. This would temporarily excuse him from running his mouth like the town drunk on a four-day bender after being laid off from the local coal mine. He might learn something from the experience.

Runner up: A mute. See above.

Third place: Sloth from The Goonies. He wouldn’t be able to say much except, “Heyyyyy, you guyyyyyys!” And everybody would love him for it. They would absolutely fucking love him for it.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

Sloth...Biden can learn from his ways.

…So there it is. My costume ideas for the candidates are laid out. What? You think I made some poor choices? Well, don’t just be a smug wise-ass – put yours down below. Let the ideas flow…

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Obama 30-minute show: Media Overkill or McCain Killer

Considering the News…

Tonight should prove quite entertaining. It’s make or break. American society as we know it could either completely unravel or bond together, as the manifest force of the looming Obama presidency reveals itself tonight.

With Obama’s 30-minute self-history seminar set to constipate the Wednesday primetime lineup, I can already here the collective moans from the millions of viewers who have either 1) already committed to Obama and can’t wait for these campaign charades to cease 2) wouldn’t vote for Obama even if George W. Bush and Carrot Top were the only other names on the ballot 3) got the days mixed up and thought they were tuning into It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

I can hear the beer bottles shattering against back-alley walls. The incessant cries of young children terrorizing my ear drums and sanity. The panicked moans of sci-fi freaks wondering “Where the hell is my goddamn CSI ?!?! Where’s the crime lab? Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on here!”

Obama’s running full speed with 30 miles of tight rope pressing between his toes. This 30-minute stunt could be the old man unbuckling his trousers and taking a big dump on two years of near-perfect campaigning. If McCain wakes up next Wednesday with a morning presidential chubby, it won’t be on account of anything he did. No, that scenario only materializes because Obama took this messiah thing too damn far (think 200,000 in Berlin or the temple stage before 80,000 at the convention).

But perhaps it will be the clinching, albeit unnecessary, field goal that provides an insurmountable 10-point lead with 6 seconds to play. We won’t know for sure. Fans and supporters might think it’s the best 30 minutes in television history; a few of them might even set the Tivo and replay it for friends and family. But we won’t know about the rest of the nation. Not until tomorrow.

That’s when we’ll all creep into the office, nervous as hell that the undecideds are so pissed about being cheated out of 30 minutes of Deal or No Deal that they saddle over to the crusty McCain supporters during lunch.

That’s how we’ll know. The pundits don’t have to declare it a success or failure – we’ll know when those blasted undecideds make a move at lunch tomorrow. If they stumble over to the McCain crowd, we’ll know it failed. Should they saunter over to the Obama side, we’ll note the genius of this dubious campaign maneuver. (Then again, maybe they’ll just watch reruns of House on USA tonight, never knowing that 30 minutes of campaign history aired on the major networks.

Hopefully the country likes what it sees and saves itself by voting this man into the White House. It’s time to put shallow differences aside and embrace a different America, where our friends and neighbors and community mean more than 30 minutes of television. I can see it vividly…and I like it.

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Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Apology from Drudge Report: She Made It Up!!!

Considering the News…

Seeing as how Mr. Drudge of the esteemed Drudge Report has too much pride to take at least partial blame for the hysteria incited by an obviously mentally-ill McCain supporter who fabricated an assault and carved a fucking backwards B into her own face (seriously, girl, you didn’t think it all through before taking a blade to your cheek?), Winn & Tonic feels obliged to offer one on his behalf.

I am sorry that I put that sensational headline on my web site before knowing all the facts (Obama supporter attacks McCain volunteer…Carves B in her face), which prompted hundreds of right-wing bloggers to run rampant with “Typical Obama Supporter” and “Obama and his gang of hoodlum supporters should be imprisoned” stories, blogs, and opinions.

Little old Winn & Tonic, which would never claim to rival the influence of the infamous Drudge, would like to take the time to say this…

Typical McCain supporters and their do anything to win political schemes…are politics worth self-mutilation?

The backwards B fooled only delusional McCain supporters.

The backwards B fooled only delusional McCain supporters.

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Obama will say anything to get elected. Really, John McCain? Really?

Considering the News…

Barack Obama will say anything to get elected, you know. He panders to both sides and changes policies like the wind blows, wouldn’t you say? He would lose a war to get elected, haven’t you heard this shit?

John McCain has tried to beat this into American minds like he’s massaging a knot out of Cindy’s back. He wants to discredit the mystical illusion that Obama’s a god-sent shepherd of hope, by labeling him just another politician who will say anything on account of unbridled ambition.

And rightly so. Obama does a commendable job hunting for the imaginary center threshold of American opinion, because this is a freaking presidential election. He’d be ignorant or naive not to, as you don’t secure 270 electoral votes by addressing only 25 percent of the electorate.

So the problem with John McCain’s statement, “Thirteen days to go, and he changed his tax plan because the American people had learned the truth about it and they didn’t like it,” is that it’s more hypocritical than ordering a goddamn Diet Coke with your triple Whopper value meal.

The accusation might have gone unnoticed had it not come within a week of the McCain campaign’s sleezy, underhanded and illegal swarm of robocalls overemphasizing Obama’s connection to Bill Ayers and the even more vile and unfounded litany of Rudy Giuliani robocalls implying Obama will let rapists and drug dealers run rampant through the streets like rats during a plague.

So there it is, Mr. Maverick. There isn’t much advice one can give to an experienced and tried veteran and U.S. Senator who has survived 72 years on this earth.

But I’m compelled to at least try.

Look over your shoulder and take a good whiff. Do you smell that? Your ass smells just as bad, if not worse, than everybody else’s.

Oh, yeah, while we’re chatting – any comments on your decision earlier in the campaign to pull a complete 180 on your opposition to offshore drilling once you learned the majority of voters in the great swing state of Florida were all for it?

I didn’t think so.

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Nixon, Rove and Giuliani – A Political Poker Game in Hell

Considering the News…

Richard Nixon has two seats saved in Hell for Karl Rove and Rudy Giuliani. The bastards plan to smoke cigars, shoot guns and trade pots, cackling it up as they compare stories of political warfare. Might even play some darts afterwards.

Nixon and Rove would naturally dominate the conversation, slapping each other on the back each time one trumped the other. We can only pray the twisted, god-spiting nature of these ruthless leaders of the Distinguished League of Political Crooks is never replicated again. Pure evil plagues their spirits. Straight from the devil’s boiling cauldron of fear and hate.

“I broke into Watergate and damn near got away with it,” Nixon grunts. “That goddamn Forrest Gump and those two clowns from the Washington Post fucked it all up!”

“Yeah, well you see what I did to that son of bitch John McCain before the South Carolina primary in 2000?” Rove responds. “Took that straight out of LBJ’s play book. The only democrat to contribute anything worth a damn the whole twentieth century.”

And Giuliani wouldn’t have shit to say. The glib little punk just sits on his hands and smirks. Laughing at all of Mean Dick’s lame and misogynistic jokes, asking if he requires another scotch. Asking Rove if he can iron his shirt and polish his undercarriage again.

Because Giuliani’s never been more than a political hack whose ambition exceeds his competence and balls, having only won the NYC mayorship because nobody else was stupid or egotistical enough to take on such a doomed mission. Whatever power he might have fancied himself to boast was never worth much, because even his closest comrades knew his word wasn’t worth shit.

But now I’m not so sure. After reading about his disgusting robocall on the Huffington Post I now suspect little Rudy might indeed be as evil and shameless as the best of them (worst of them, I suppose).

We always knew the words oozing through his insufferable lisp were imbued with some venomous substance, yet the exact elements seemed to always elude us.

Now we know.

His despicable being is comprised of a lethal cocktail of East River sewer water, pure ethanol, a gallon of putrid stomach bile, and a half-cup of Nixon’s piss. Not the kind of toxic chemicals you want around the house. It eats you alive. Full-grown men don’t stand a chance, let alone the children and the elderly.

So consider this a kind warning: steer clear of Giuliani and anyone who speaks his name with a straight face. No good can come of it. Not when smug Rudy is behind the plot.

Actual message from Rudy Giuliani:

“Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I’m calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It’s true, I read Obama’s words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals — trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can’t trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.”

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Sarah Palin Shopping Spree – News or Poor Judgment?

Considering the News…

So Sarah Palin likes nice clothes. Really nice clothes. What woman doesn’t?

The recent disclosure of the Republican National Committee’s $150K spent on campaign accessories (read Palin’s flashy outfits) has made a lot of jaws hurt, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. It shouldn’t be a topic at all. Politicians should look good. Give the crowd something to look at. Feel good about.

But it is a story. Especially considering the fiery sack of shit that is our current economy.

Hillary Clinton had $3,000 haircuts. John Edwards got his ears lowered $400 at a time. John McCain does is stumping two-step in $600 leather shoes. Barack Obama rocks Burberry – shit ain’t cheap.

So why doesn’t Palin get a pass? How can she be simultaneously lauded for her chic fashion sense and morally condemned for her chic fashion sense?

Because hockey moms aren’t supposed to wear $10k outfits. It just doesn’t make any damn sense. Wayne Gretzky’s mom maybe, but not your average rink-side bulldog cheering on her son’s 15-year-old AAU team.

Her authenticity falters. Her speeches about helping put food on the table and gas in the tank become condescending. Who can believe a woman shares your daily financial struggles when you know her leather boots are worth more than your weekly pay check.

But it’s no fault of hers. The McCain camp gave her the VISA card and what reasonable human being wouldn’t drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue? I’d be all over it. Never even been to Saks Fifth Avenue, but I’m intrigued by any clothing store where one can blow 50 grand without buying the same item twice.

Now McCain will suffer for this blank check. He took his prized hockey mom from Alaska, gave her a million-dollar makeover, and is left not with a perfect running mate, but exactly what he’s allegedly campaiging against – a spoiled Washington insider. This one just happens to be from Alaska.

(Author’s Note: I fully understand this expensive clothing will be donated to charity after the campaign. However, it makes little difference politically. The damage has been done.)

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Sarah Palin Rewrites Constitution – Smarter than 3rd Grader

Considering the News…

U.S. Constitution Sarah’s Book of Fun Powers!!!

Sarah Palin’s foot landed in her mouth again. It’s almost ridiculous how well she does it. Unprecedented perhaps.

When she first entered the American conscience seven weeks ago it appeared accidental, almost as if she were merely demonstrating how high she could kick. But now she seems to be intentionally targeting her own teeth…and on a daily basis to boot.

While responding to the inquiry of a third grader during a recent television interview, Palin threw out the U.S. Constitution like she was buying new linens.

In glamorizing describing creating the vice president’s actual influence, the pride of Alaska defiled the country’s sacred document yet again by expanding the position’s authority beyond mere President of the Senate, to a hybrid political figure the likes of which have never been seen. A President-slash- Majority-slash-Minority Leader.

Although Article I clearly states:
The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.

Palin responded by yodeling out, “That’s something that Piper would ask me! … (The vice president is) in charge of the U.S. Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes.”

I beg your pardon. Really get in there? Make a lot of good policy changes?

I’m forced to believe she either absorbed Tina Fey’s sense of humor over the weekend, or is truly convinced Washington does need some crooked element of change – because this is utterly preposterous.

No one gives a damn what Dick Cheney thinks as he sits in the Senate President’s chair and polishes his rifle and exacerbates the hemorrhoids riddling his ass, for it only becomes relevant should a vote end in a tie. Other than that – nothing. Just listen to the debate, slam a gavel or something, and shut up.

But not in Palin’s view. Not in her world. Wait, that might just be it. Perhaps this is simply Palin’s World of which Madam Maverick speaks.

If this is indeed the case with Palin, one’s time would be ill-spent becoming upset, offended, or even dumbfounded by any of her dubious remarks – no matter how absurd, befuddled, illegal or unconstitutional – as she’s not coming back down any time soon.

There’s no use. Her perceptions of established government procedures differ from conventional wisdom. Real change, I suppose.

This is America. This is the United States. This is Alaska. This is Palin’s World.

Welcome, we hope you enjoy it. It’s kind of like Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. But with no rule of law.

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McCarthyism is alive and well…let the witch hunt begin

Considering the News…

Sometimes it’s not a democrat and republican thing. Sometimes the beef isn’t between different ethnic groups, or genders, or SUV and hybrid drivers, or missionary thrusters and reverse-cowboy riders.

Sometimes it’s the straight delusional and paranoid folks versus the rest of the sane and sober (maybe not the right word) citizens of the country.

And when the desperately warped minds of the former get charged up on hate and vengeance, then it’s time for a good old fashioned witch hunt.

Bring out the pitchforks, wash the white sheets, and fire up the torches, because there’s outsiders among us, and lord knows that shit doesn’t fly with the deranged minds mistaking prejudice for patriotism.

Indeed, Minnesota Congresswoman, republican Michelle Bachmann, has been reading the McCarthy Doctrine by candlelight and getting off on historical accounts of the Salem Witch Trials.

She’s studied up. She’s been working out. She’s ready.

Now this lame headline grabber is plotting against a democrat-controlled congress and White House, assuming Barack Obama wins the election, by summoning the media to conduct a thorough investigation of congress.

For what? Get this: Anti-Americanism.

Oooooh.

No, this isn’t a twisted and demented Halloween gag. It’s craziness at it’s worst.

Anti-Americanism? What? Why?

Because Barack “Yes my middle name is Hussein – Got a fucking problem with it?” Obama is on the White House front stoop. He’s “measuring the curtains” and changing the sheets and finding kinky spots for him to get presidential on Michelle’s ass…

And Bachmann’s not having it. She’s prepared to drag every democrat (it’s safe to assume that party will be the primary target) in Washington across the fiery coals of lunacy, because damn it! she’s a patriot.

But is she? Is she really? Perhaps not.

It’s one thing to ridicule a senator for voting against funding the troops or for not wearing a freaking Senate pin on the lapel or suggesting Americans pay taxes – and it’s another thing to wage war against half the country because your grip on power is weakening.

But that’s what some republicans are doing these days, more or less. Whether it’s saying “I know a liberal when I see one” or “Senator Obama’s economic policies sound like pure socialism” or “He’s not a Christian, so he must be anti-American” – some just resort to stigmatism.

Fuck talking issues or policies or ideas, let’s just label and castrate those who disagree with us.

After all, that’s what democracy’s all about. Right?

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Bush-McCain comparisons valid – sort of

Considering the News…

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Well, it’s not exactly “Britney’s prego again!” breaking news, but a simple reminder of how fragmented the Bush administration has been.

Essentially the White House has been fractured into two parts – W and all the good old boys like Mean Dick, Rove, Scooter, and the like…and then everyone else, namely the disillusioned few W has told to fuck off a time or two before.

Perhaps there’s nothing wrong with this. America wants a leader. Someone to tell Gorbachev to wipe the Soviet tears from his eyes and do away with the walls of terror and injustice.

But when does the cowboy finally saddle over the line? At what point do the congenial PTA-parents, church-going do-gooders, and everyday brown-nosing sandbaggers finally say, “Does this lunatic listen to anyone?”

Bush hands McCain the keys

Bush hands McCain the keys

That should be our most pressing concern in regards to drawing Bush-McCain comparisons. Not the “90 percent of the time” or “Four more years of failed economic policy” or “10 billion dollars a month in Iraq.”

Those lines are trivial garbage, for certainly the most jagged scars on the ass of W’s presidency won’t be the doomed policies he insisted on perpetuating, but the actual insistence with which he implemented them.

Many presidents employ fallacies for policies, which can often be attributed to the incompetence of a collective cabinet. But not Bush. No, his problem is the arrogant, recluse manner in which he made his every decision.

And a McCain presidency promises more of the same.

Never mind the occupation of Iraq, the slumping economy, and the erratic immigration – these issues are frightening, yet no more so than the social cancers that lurched in the American bellies of yesteryear.

So it is imperative the country’s leaders begin taking a collective and all-inclusive approach to these problems.

Only then will our leaders prove triumphant once again. Citizens will rejoice. Confetti will rain on Times Square. Even Tara Reid’s saggy sack of cottage cheese in back won’t appear as gruesome.

But such a scenarior will never materialize behind the leadership of yet another “cowboy” or “maverick” or “reformer” or “friendless straight talking renegade.”

“Talk softly and carry a big stick,” is what Teddy Roosevelt used to say.

Maybe when historians reflect on a Barack Obama presidency they will attribute a similarly epic and transcendent phrase – “Listen closely and never act alone.”

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New McCain strategy – defend Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

John McCain’s going on the defensive for his new son-in-law, Joe the Plumber.

After latching his campaign to the anti-socialist Mr. Clean fanatic, McCain now looks to score points by accusing Obama’s camp of bringing down poor Joe.

While I’m sure the O-Team relishes the fact Joe the Plumber is a 40K-a-year nobody and not an authentic 250K-earning potential small business owner, the media lunatics raiding Toledo are responsible for the vicious revelations concerning this political creature – not Obama staffers.

Hence McCain’s desperate strategy. By going after Obama for going after America’s premier plumber’s crack, McCain-Palin is employing yet another “he’s not really like us” tactic.

Will it work? Probably not. But the more people talk about a tax-evading plumber, the better off McCain is.

Obama wants to talk about issues – doesn’t every politician – but McCain needs people to forget about the slumping economy and the seedy republican party the country predominately associates it with.

And he needs them to forget fast. For it doesn’t matter whose policies are better, as Obama wins the economy debate by default. Not tax codes.

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Will Obama’s support actually show up?

Considering the News…

Barack Obama’s looking over his shoulder like a vulnerable sweetheart scampering through the streets of Harlem at 3 in the morning. Why wouldn’t he?

Having survived the final debate with the new-car smell still fresh in his RV of Hope, Obama reminded supporters yesterday of two words that dispel any notion the election is in the bag – New Hampshire.

While this is a reasonable point – Hillary’s tears of patriotism 36 hours before the NH primary resulted in a Obama second-place finish – it doesn’t entirely translate to his current position.

Obama was the hot piece of ass after storming through Iowa with a leadoff victory, but a New Hampshire win was never “inevitable,” to use the Hillary camp parlance, as his election seems to some right now.

Therefore, perhaps he should have said three words – New England Patriots.

That’s the plight of team Obama now. If too many supporters…especially the young cats idolizing him like…Sammy Davis Jr…neglect to vote on account of overconfidence, Obama’s election hopes will sink faster than a bar of soap in the prison shower. Which is quite fast considering gravity.

Thus Obama will spend the remaining 18 days of his campaign reinvigorating his already-committed voters. It sounds asinine, but the thorn in his ass isn’t the “independent” voters who could go McCain, but the voters he already successfully seduced six months ago.

Should a considerable amount of sure-thing voters decide to do laundry or catch the new episode of House, Obama’s extensive support will dwindle and provide McCain an unnecessary opening.

Pissed off republicans like Joe the Plumber won’t stay home on election day, no matter what’s on TV or how much they hate Bush. So the question is whether Barack’s fan base shows up on moving day to help him pack up boxes for the White House.

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Who’s the Socialist: Obama or McCain?

Considering the News…

 

The Straight Talk Express and its 527 trolleys love depicting Obama as the most liberal Democrat alive. They get off on it. Or they get off track. Either way.

 

They scare the American electorate with frightening images of Obama, usually black and white pictures, which I assume are supposed to make a black man appear even more…well, I won’t even complete that sentence.

 

Anyone who’s viewed the commercials gets the drift. It’s a shady operation…Like driving down Fear Politics Highway at 130 with an open bottle of Jack Daniels and Nine Inch Nails blaring. George H. W. Bush shit.

 

And it works on ignorant people. People with prejudices. People who drive Buicks and Ford Tauruses.

 

Thus the spineless captain of double-speak takes to the stump with lines like “Obama and his liberal buddies in Washington” and “The country can’t afford someone as dangerous as Barack Obama right now.”

 

It’s precisely the kind of ostensible crap you expect to hear in a presidential race. It’s only politics, as W would say, and if lies get under your skin then feel free to abandon your benevolent campaign or to get some damn thicker skin.

 

Yet what makes this instance so amusing – frightening, were he to defy all poll numbers and common logic by actually winning the election – is that McCain, as of late, has been out-libbing even the one he’s spent an entire campaign smearing as the most disgusting liberal in Washington.

 

In a moment that even Michael Jackson thought was fucking crazy, McCain winged his solution to the financial crisis during the town hall debate last week – his presumed strong area. In front of millions of stupefied people to boot. It was that bewildering.

 

He truly went Maverick on the country’s ass, taking not the road less traveled, but the road no one in their right mind should be stumbling down – that the government bail out every American saddled with an unmanageable mortgage.

 

Not just the impoverished and underprivileged Americans who can’t make ends meet and face imminent foreclosure – that would have at least been an honorable approach – but bail out every fool in the country who fancied themselves millionaires because they bought a 1.2-million-dollar crib on a trash-collector’s salary.

 

Indeed, the Maverick has been sitting too close to the gas tank of the Straight Talk Express. He’s no longer talking straight – he’s straight rambling like a lunatic without his pill bottle handy.

 

Now he aims to claw his way out of the treacherous pits of unfavorable poll numbers by suggesting the government take on its most substantial project since the New Deal. Did he consult anyone about this absurd plan before blurting it out on national television?

 

Who knows. What we do know is he’s doing it as the nominee for the Grand Ole Party…the party of small government…less government spending…praise Jesus, not the government…keep the White House at all costs, even if it means ravaging and defiling every rule or law we claim to care about.

 

So remember that filthy little nugget of information when you step into the voting booth in three weeks and have the audicity to consider voting for Barack Obama and his asinine liberal cronies in Washington.

 

Lord knows we can’t afford a reckless liberal spender like him.

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McCain the Nazi…Played integral role in Iran-Contra affair

Corrupting the News…

John McCain the Nazi sympathizer? Barack Obama thinks so.

The Obama camp reignited the conversation regarding McCain’s ties with an ultra-right-wing, pro-Nazi death squad involved in the Iran-Contra affair during the mid-1980s.

McCain and Bush Heil Hitler?

McCain and Bush Hail Hitler?

The move comes in response to Sarah Palin unleashing some savage witchery in Florida on Monday, condemning Obama for “palling around with terrorists” and “speaking too el-o-gently for a man of color.”

“You just don’t go there in American politics,” said Stevie Johns, an Obama spokesman. “If you can’t talk about your slutty daughter getting knocked up in high school, then how the hell are you gonna talk about Obama being a fucking terrorist? When she said that shit, we knew it was time to smack a bitch. That bitch, of course, being McCain. Not Palin, who…well, you get the point.”

McCain played the ignorance card when responding, saying that he “didn’t know whether the (U.S. Council For World Freedom’s) actions were legal or illegal,” but that he just “thought the Swastika tattoos were pretty neat.”

“I guess you could say I was a bit out of touch – he he he he he he,” McCain said amidst an insufferable spurt of awkward laughs. “Guess the liberals won’t be able to blame it on my age anymore.”

The U.S. Council For World Freedom funded covert arms shipments to the Contra Rebels, a mission funded with underground arms sales to Iran. However, McCain denies having knowledge of any wrongdoing.

“I didn’t know what was going on really, I just liked that my name was on their letterhead,” McCain said of his involvement with USCFWF. “I didn’t have many friends when I first came to Washington, and here was a group putting a hand out to a young congressman from Arizona. I wasn’t really a Nazi, but Hitler had always been a big inspiration for me. I’ve always kind of tried to emulate his demeanor. So I joined.”

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

The Obama staff also released a statement concerning the democratic nominee’s links to the Weather Underground, a domestic terrorist ring that accomplished little in the 1960s.

“After further review, we still find that Senator Obama was only eight years old when the Weather Underground was wreaking havoc in Washington, making any direct connections a stretch at best. Obama is a man of diplomacy, not bombs.”

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Palin the Racist…Obama the Terrorist Lover

Corrupting the News…

Barack Obama has been keeping some bad company.

Sarah Palin intends to let the country know about it.

At a campaign stop in Florida today, Palin lambaste the democratic nominee, saying Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Franklin Raines and William Ayers are the least of his problems.

“I know for a fact, from what I’ve heard from people who know, that not only do O’bama and O’sama spend time together at Bin Laden’s cave, but O.J. Simpson threw a fundraiser for him in recent memory, of times not too long ago from today,” Palin said. “I don’t know about you, but that’s not the kind of guy I want to be president of America – a man who rolls with terrorists and Leslie Nielsen apologists.”

The Obama campaign responded swiftly, condemning the vice-presidential candidate’s comments as inherently racist.

“To claim any man who wears Burberry also spends time in caves is fucking ludicrous,” said Obama campaign adviser, Tyler Priori. “And I would really like to know what that snowmobiling bitch has against the Juice, because the dude did rush for 2,000 yards – and in only 14 games!”

The McCain-Palin camp refuted any claims of racism, saying in a released statement that, “Governor Palin knows and loves many people of color. She not only hired three black cooks at the governor’s mansion, but the snow removal crew was headed by an Eskimo.

And as for Senator McCain?

“President Bush clearly illustrated John McCain’s affinity for black people leading up to the South Carolina primary in 2000. The man can’t get enough of them.”

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