Tag Archives: election

Obama 30-minute show: Media Overkill or McCain Killer

Considering the News…

Tonight should prove quite entertaining. It’s make or break. American society as we know it could either completely unravel or bond together, as the manifest force of the looming Obama presidency reveals itself tonight.

With Obama’s 30-minute self-history seminar set to constipate the Wednesday primetime lineup, I can already here the collective moans from the millions of viewers who have either 1) already committed to Obama and can’t wait for these campaign charades to cease 2) wouldn’t vote for Obama even if George W. Bush and Carrot Top were the only other names on the ballot 3) got the days mixed up and thought they were tuning into It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

I can hear the beer bottles shattering against back-alley walls. The incessant cries of young children terrorizing my ear drums and sanity. The panicked moans of sci-fi freaks wondering “Where the hell is my goddamn CSI ?!?! Where’s the crime lab? Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on here!”

Obama’s running full speed with 30 miles of tight rope pressing between his toes. This 30-minute stunt could be the old man unbuckling his trousers and taking a big dump on two years of near-perfect campaigning. If McCain wakes up next Wednesday with a morning presidential chubby, it won’t be on account of anything he did. No, that scenario only materializes because Obama took this messiah thing too damn far (think 200,000 in Berlin or the temple stage before 80,000 at the convention).

But perhaps it will be the clinching, albeit unnecessary, field goal that provides an insurmountable 10-point lead with 6 seconds to play. We won’t know for sure. Fans and supporters might think it’s the best 30 minutes in television history; a few of them might even set the Tivo and replay it for friends and family. But we won’t know about the rest of the nation. Not until tomorrow.

That’s when we’ll all creep into the office, nervous as hell that the undecideds are so pissed about being cheated out of 30 minutes of Deal or No Deal that they saddle over to the crusty McCain supporters during lunch.

That’s how we’ll know. The pundits don’t have to declare it a success or failure – we’ll know when those blasted undecideds make a move at lunch tomorrow. If they stumble over to the McCain crowd, we’ll know it failed. Should they saunter over to the Obama side, we’ll note the genius of this dubious campaign maneuver. (Then again, maybe they’ll just watch reruns of House on USA tonight, never knowing that 30 minutes of campaign history aired on the major networks.

Hopefully the country likes what it sees and saves itself by voting this man into the White House. It’s time to put shallow differences aside and embrace a different America, where our friends and neighbors and community mean more than 30 minutes of television. I can see it vividly…and I like it.

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Filed under Dirty Politics

Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

Considering the News…

How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Filed under Corrupting the News

Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

Considering the News…

Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain – many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how tough he is with a gun

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

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Filed under Corrupting the News