Tag Archives: Entertainment News

Alert:Boy George is creepier than we thought

Considering the Weird…

Turns out Boy George is the one hurting people these days.

The disturbed pervert, who stormed through the fame gates with his 1980s songs “Karma Chameleon” and “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, was found guilty today of falsely imprisoning one of his teammates from the coke-addled porn stars.

Turns out Georgie lured his unsuspecting victim back to the crib after a porn shoot (creepy), handcuffed him to a wall (creepier), and then proceeded to beat him into submission with a chain (creepy, yes, but also wrong as hell).

The 47-year-old cross dresser reportedly hatched the wicked scheme in retaliation for his victim refusing to sleep with him when they originally met, which highlights just how jumbled Boy George’s head is.

The two starred together in a raunchy pino before heading back to a nasty love palace where handcuffs and chains and lotions awaited, yet George was ticked about not getting that weeks or months or whatever beforehand…Wow.

Just doesn’t make any damn sense. But, then again, neither do songs about chameleons, so what do I know.

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The spicy battle between 50 Cent and Taco Bell

Considering the News…

There’s beef and beans between 50 Cent and Taco Bell. Expect corpses to start piling up because this feud could get nasty in the streets. Many will parish. Bloodied chalupas scattered in the hood.

The lisp-riddled rapper is pissed at the Tex-Mex giant because the latter hoped he might consider temporarily changing his name to 79 Cent or 89 Cent or even – you ready for this shit? – 99 Cent to spearhead an unprecedented marketing campaign bringing hip hop and crappy Mexican food together at last.

Well, this clearly challenged a “gangsta’s” street cred, and now Curtis “Can’t Act” Jackson is seeking mad paper for trademark infringment. Ok. So this gangster ass rapper will embarrass himself on the big screen and pimp diluted vitamin piss water, but he’s worried that hawking tacos is going to diminish his reputation. Whatever you say. Stay hood, buddy.

50 Cent and his gangster ass homie

50 Cent and his gangster ass homie

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Auto Giants seek bailout – As do I

Considering the News…

The three stooges of Detroit are dead broke and need money to pay the bookies and dealers. Don’t we all. This debilitating epidemic of corporate bailouts will soon bring about the death of failure. Worries will cease to exist, as CEOs realize the government prefers Nintendo world to these savage realities.

Oh, your stock died? Fuck it, here’s some cash, just restart the game and don’t screw it up this time. Jesus, you fucked up again. Whatever, here’s some more cash. Try harder this time.

Indeed, the American business world is devolving into a college dorm room, where bong hits for Jesus blur the tedious line between failure and a fresh slate. It’s disconcerting, but who the hell didn’t love freshman year?

So rather than waste even an ounce of the energy or spirit I will undoubtedly need later in life, I will save the verbal crucifixions of the auto industry for another time. If they want more money to build even more of the antiquated gas-guzzlers that no one is buying and never will, then who am I to suggest they embrace the evolving technologies of the industry. Lord knows Toyota isn’t begging for cheddar.

Instead I will wholeheartedly welcome the welfare tactics that aim to undermine the working man’s motivation. If I haven’t yet failed with the best of them, thus necessitating the need for a healthy government check, then perhaps my mission should be forming a coalition of failures to strengthen this lone voice of need.

There is power in numbers. The government won’t consider the bailout of one man, only that of many. If you’re unemployed, broke, and in need, then the government shall be your savior. If you’re gainfully employed but have grown weary of the daily grind, so too shall you find salvation in the undeserved riches of our lords in Washington. There’s bailout checks to be had. Everyone can cash in. Now is our time to say fuck it and start over.

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Spitzer prostitute sits down with Diane Sawyer – Hilarity ensues

Considering the News…

Diane Sawyer’s tireless tentacles have slithered around yet another monumental catch, and this one smells like an epic tale.

Eliot Spitzer’s high-class whore wants to open up the forbidden satchel of naughty memories, and who better to lob the juicy questions than the great Sawyer. Damn, this should be a show!

You see, Sawyer has scraped a bottomless cradle of closed minds – world leaders, iconic Hollywood skanks, crooked politicians, gifted thinkers, transcendent beings, J-Lo’s horse ass, the whole bucket of slop – but the numbing monotony can never rival the sheer pleasure derived from watching a true sex goddess ratting out her slaves.

Diane admires J-Lo's rack of lamb

Diane admires J-Lo's rack of lamb

Not that I don’t sympathize with Spitzer. The man was doing a commendable job and he was well respected, yet occasionally the unrelenting instincts of man seem to require some form of strange satisfaction. However, this is what comes with getting caught freelancing in these conflicted and hypocritical times.

Indeed, I would freely wage a thousand dollars that at least eight people on set during the filming have tickled a neighbor or two or twelve, like the great Sawyer herself!

And yet I’d wager another thousand that none of those affairs was with an upper-class call girl pulling down 6 six figures a year. Spitzer at least has some freaking standards.

The Spitzers realize monogamy awaits them both

The Spitzers realize monogamy awaits them both

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President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.

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16-year-old Schoolgirl to become first Japanese female professional baseball player

Considering the News…

I read this headline half a dozen times before actually clicking through. My initial thoughts were, “Oh, those Japanese and their silly marketing tactics. What will they think up next?”

But then it occurred to me that there might be something more to the story, some freakish angle that no curious mind should neglect to enjoy. I began wondering, “What if this one’s like 6-6, 250 and throws in the upper 90s, the product of some bizarre Japanese genetics tests that could someday lead to the first 10-foot-tall, 1,000-pound man…I’d be a fool to pass up a good read like that!”

So I finally clicked through and read about a 5-foot, 114-pound knuckleballer drafted by the newly created Independent League set to launch next April. Indeed, the exact kind of trivial fluff I rightly assumed awaited me, and many thousands of other curious folks, behind the tantalizing headline.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a silly marketing tactic!

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a silly Japanese marketing tactic!

Those fucking Japanese and their silly marketing tactics…sure fooled me.

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Mark Cuban charged for insider trading…Idiot stock rises

Considering the News…

Mark Cuban is many things – owner of the Dallas Mavericks, a billionaire, a balding wannabe playboy, and a hopeless dillweed, but now he can even tack “outed white collar crook” to that list.

The SEC has filed a civil lawsuit against Cuban, accusing the friendless rogue of insider trading. Martha Stewart all over again, as apparently Cuban received some good info on a going-nowhere search engine company named Mamma.com back in 2004.

After swearing to conceal all knowledge regarding the worst-named company of all time, Cuban – to his credit – kept it on the hush for a whopping 8 minutes, when he called up his broker and yelled “SELL!” on his $750,000 in stock.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

The unabashed scrub-monger who wastes millions each year on the overpriced salaries of washed up hacks was actually worried about losing a few hundred G’s on a stock. Wow. Now he faces SEC charges and potential jail time because of it, leaving us to conclude one thing – his stock in idiocy is recession-proof. Buy now!  

On a related note, perhaps Cuban should have sought a little insider information on that Devin Harris for Jason Kidd trade, because that was a stupid investment if ever there was one.

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Kanye West arrested in England…Still a Douche

Considering the News…

Famous rapper and perpetual nuisance, Kanye West, was arrested outside an England night club for getting rowdy with his fella’s. Apparently West wasn’t charged with anything, but it is believed one of the officers on the scene accused him of being the world’s biggest douchebag.

This comes in the wake of West’s comments that he is the “voice of his generation” and that Justin Timberlake could have easily claimed the crown if he weren’t so damn busy vacationing with ugly chicks. As a member of this so-called “generation,” it is quite unnerving to know that Kanye is my voice. Actually, it really sucks and I am aggressively seeking new generations to become a part of.

Just “wait ’til I get my money right,” as my voice would say.

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Good News: Christian Slater is Alive…Bad News: Still Can’t Act

Considering the News…

There’s really good news out of Hollywood – Christian Slater is alive. I know, right, seems like he’s been dead for years.

He’s exactly the kind of Hollywood figure you randomly think of – usually while you’re either stuck in traffic or doing bathroom office dirty work – and say, “Hey, I wonder what happened to that douche…think I remember hearing something about him OD-ing back in ’96.”

Nope. Christian Slater is alive, healthy, and probably still rich from his killer run in the 80s; however, unfortunately he still can’t act worth a shit. In light of this fact, NBC has elected to can his horrible show about an assassin or secret agent or someone cooler and sneakier than America could ever believe Slater to be.

No matter what his character supposedly did for a living this much is certain – no one cared to tune in long enough to find out. Oh well, I’m sure in the future Slater will rise from the dead yet again, failing to impress anyone with his acting abilities. Can’t wait.

Even Slater often wonders why he sucks so much...

Even Slater often wonders why he sucks so much...

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George W Bush admits mistakes – Seems remotely human

Considering the News…

It’s not like you can hate the guy forever. You know, that George W Bush guy.

Sure he’s seemed to fumble one thing after another, to the point he’s become somewhat of a living symbol of Freud’s definition of insanity.

Sure he’s pissed you off at least once a week, every week, for the last 8 freaking years.

Sure he took a scorching dump on several American civil liberties, invading our privacy and striving hard to make the ominous Big Brother of 1984 a living reality here in the grandest of so-called free societies.

And sure he spearheaded ungodly tax cuts which ultimately padded the pockets of fat cats at the expense of the common – dare I say Joe Six Pack – citizens.

But shucks, looking at it now – with the silly bastard packing his Presidential bags – he might not be so evil after all.

Judging by Bush’s interview with CNN aboard the U.S.S. Intrepid in New York after a Veterans Day ceremony, perhaps Georgie does, in fact, have a conscience. All those times you asked yourself or your friends or some random bystander on the streets, “Does the guy even realize how bad he’s fucking up the country? Does he understand the least bit?” It seems the answer – to a mild extent – is probably “Yes.”

Bush finally cut the bullshit, benched the facade, and admitted to causing a few blunders. He might not have broken down completely, categorizing his presidency as an utter disaster, and there were no tears, unfortunately…but this will have to do for now.  We’ll leave the rest to the history books.

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Wii and Guitar Hero Running Low – Sweater Industry Booms – Cheetah Girl Saves the Day

Considering the News…

I’m making a bold prediction right now – this will be the worst Christmas in the history of man. Indeed, this holiday season is going to be one jock-thrashing disappointment after another, as a piss-poor economy means half as many gifts under the tree, perhaps even less than that. (Note: for those households not fortunate enough to have any gifts in previous years, expect the status quo).

For the rest of you, brace yourselves for the worst. By “worst” I naturally mean an abundance of sweaters, socks, and white tee-shirts. Expect unexplainable and obviously pre-owned gifts, like deformed picture frames, full-grown plants, half-dead plants, deodorant featuring random hairs, gift certificates to restaurants defunct since 2002, Pezz dispensers with the Pezz already in it, and windshield scrapers with half the brush bristles already frayed.

What grand gifts await you this Christmas?

What grand gifts await you this Christmas?

It’s going to be that brutal. Many will wish for February before the college football bowl season is even half over. Some might even pretend Christmas just isn’t coming this year. Many children will be confused, having previously believed the shitload of sweet gifts was an every year affair. Well, I got news for the no-good spoiled brats of the world – it’s not. When good-paying jobs are going out of style, cutting the fat is the only way to get by.

For those privileged few who believe devastation awaits everyone but you this December, here’s a little needle to sit your fat ass on. That Guitar Hero: World Tour you’re planning on rocking out to in your closed-foot jammies? It’s sold out, fucker.

Or that Wii Fitness you assumed would help carve that lumpy and bloated figure back down to your old fighting weight? There’s a better chance one of the Cheetah Girls takes pictures of her sweet, naked rump, uploads them on her computer, proceeds to leave that computer in an airport, the computer is found, then infiltrated, and the result is the pictures coming to the Internet for the enjoyment of every heterosexual male with five minutes and Wi-Fi.

Hmm. Maybe a Christmas Miracle will find its way into the lives of the lucky few with the audacity to believe. This might not be such a disastrous holiday season after all.

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