Tag Archives: food

The Colonel’s fried chicken secret is safe – Plus, why nobody cares

Considering the News…

Fried chicken enthusiasts can rest easy today, thanks to comforting reports the beloved KFC recipe has at last been safely transported and secured in a secret vault somewhere in the enchanted hills of Kentucky.

Learning the exact contents of this hand-written document – penned by the mystical Colonel himself – has sent fried chicken impersonators through the depths of hell, as countless combinations have failed in the honorable quest of authentically replicating the mythical 11-herb mixture.

Few things have incited greater culinary madness through the ages, with some comparing the importance of the scintillating chicken recipe to that of Jesus’ bread, Emeril’s Caribbean-style chicken, and Bo Jackson’s signature BO Burger.

Naturally, every precaution was taken in transporting the historical document – with many security guards and a handcuff briefcase involved in the covert mission – before it was finally laid to rest in a high-tech vault that will be guarded around the clock by living personnel. And thank God for that.

At any given time, but only two living KFC executives harness the dear privilege of knowing the full recipe, which no doubt qualifies them both for the ‘Luckiest Damn Person Alive Competition’ held annually in Waukee, Iowa.

Merely disclosing a single element of the recipe means instant death by way of the guillotine, a long-standing Kentucky law that has surely survived many Supreme Court challenges, as it is no secret Rehnquist loved nothing more than a late-night bucket of crispy and succulent fried chicken.

Yes, this 68-year-old legend of a recipe is poised to remain a well-kept treasure for at least another 10 years, when slumping sales inspire KFC executives to move the document yet again, to any even bigger vault, with even more human security guards – reminding Americans the Colonel’s chicken is still accessible at your local KFC chain store.Today. And right now.

I myself haven’t eaten the filth in years. Maintaing a good cholesterol level just doesn’t allow for it, I’m afraid. Plus, the grocery store fried chicken tastes just as good, if not much better.

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The Sky is Falling: It’s National Men Cook Dinner Day!

Considering the News…

There was a rather chilling story featured on CBS’ The Early Show this morning. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. If this is the kind of offensive change we should expect under an Obama administration, then perhaps my vote was a tragic blunder. The apocalypse may be nearing.

You see, The Early Show brought it to the country’s attention that today is “National Men Cook Dinner Day.”

Yes, I too experienced that numb, dumbfounded feeling when initially learning such a twisted holiday even existed. It lends one’s mind to wondering what we can expect next…National Women Change the Oil Day? National Let the Gas Hand Past Empty Before Refilling the Fucking Tank Again Day? National, Honey, Don’t Worry I’ll Go Grab that Gallon Of Milk while You Have a Nice Cocktail and Watch the Game Day?

Well, all these ideas sound downright blasphemous in some regard – at least according to the bible of common sense. But even despite the many minds these holidays would blow, they might not be far from fruition. Maybe this Obama thing will work out for the best after all. Indeed, the surgical twist of reality this country needs right now, a proverbial Botox injection in the ass of America, if you will.

And my reasoning is this…After studying the various conseqences and implications of this dubious holiday, one glaringly absurd element continued to bemuse me. That one thing is this: I am already the one who cooks dinner every fucking night as it is. Not her – me! What, she needs a night off from sitting on her ass, lotioning her legs and watching Shear Genius?

Such concepts verge on appalling. And that’s what bewilders the mind, that The Early Show hosts all find the idea so silly and amusing…those people are on drugs. Or maybe they just need to look around and see it’s not the freaking 1950s anymore. Not even the 1970s, for crying out loud.

It’s 2008 and men enjoy cooking. I could cook eight out of every ten women out of a housewife job, so screw them if they truly believe this country is in need of a “National Men Cook Dinner Day.”

But I digress. No sense in becoming upset here. I will simply launch my own ridiculous holiday. Gonna start it today. Should be showing up on 2010 calendars, if not 2009.

“Hey, honey, did you know it’s National Rub Your Man’s Feet and Fix Him a Goddamn Sandwich Day? Yeah, weird shit, right? I saw it on The Early Show. I’m stoked beyond belief! See you right after work, ok. Bring the salami, cheese, and lotion, because today is my special day.”

Man has cooked for some time.

Man has cooked for some time.


Filed under I Don't Believe It!