Tag Archives: Foreign Affairs

Iran is ticked at Hollywood – Plus, why movie stars make wonderful diplomats

Considering the News…

It’s rather delightful to learn Iran finally has its priorities in a peaceful place, and it can only be a matter of time before relations with the West are repaired for the collective good of all. Indeed, good times await us yet.

The occasionally troublesome nation took earnest strides this past weekend by warmly hosting a team of Hollywood directors, producers and actors who ventured to the surging American vacation destination for a film-making seminar.

Here they were kindly greeted by President Ahmadinejad’s personal film and cinema adviser – that such a cabinet position even exists has yet to spawn any headlines, although surely this will change in time – who politely and respectfully requested some form of apology for Hollywood’s brazen role in the production of “300” and “The Wrestler”, two movies Iran contends to be blatantly anti-Persian and with very good reason.

Thank God Warren Beatty’s wonderful wife Annette Bening was present to defuse the awkward situation.

The stunning and graceful starlet, best known for her moving performances in the Hollywood blockbuster “Mars Attacks” and one particular 1987 episode of “Miami Vice”, did not reportedly say or doing anything prolific, however, neither are there any reports of her abduction or imprisonment – which, of course, is a positive thing. So as I stated before, thank God she was there.

The trip is part of a grand strategy to breed peace between Iran and America through the universal love and appreciation for movies. As all forms of Iranian mass media are closely overlooked by Ahmadinejad’s regime, the eventual benevolence between the two nations seems incredibly likely, if not inexorable.

Ahmadinejad did not issue an immediate response to the joyous gathering, but he is believed to be a wholehearted fan of “Bugsy”, which for obvious reasons bodes well for Bening’s safe return to America. Perhaps not.

Either way, it’s encouraging to know Iran didn’t make an ugly mess of this otherwise harmless trip. Lord knows Hollywood stars can be rather difficult at times.

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British, French nuclear subs collide – Plus, why Iran and North Korea might as well have a few nukes

Considering the News…

France and Britain are rather crimson and clover in the face today, as nuclear-armed submarines from the two national powers played a viscous game of underwater chicken, with neither side ever deciding to bail out.

Too much pride on the line, I suppose. And that’s a good thing, even if a couple dozen warheads colliding is not.

Some physical harm was endured, yes – mostly non-lethal bumps, bruises, and scratches – yet the major damage comes in the volatile form of concerned members of the press and members of a growing citizens group known simply by the succinct moniker Not too crazy about getting accidentally blown up because trained officers cannot clearly distinguish a nuclear-armed submarine from a dead whale.

(Indeed, any given day will find me willing to take a chance with 100 warheads before crossing the aforementioned citizens group. No hesitation whatsoever.)

It is true that history has bared witness to myriad mishaps by the French and British armed forces, however, this most clumsy incident illustrates just how integrally connected we all are as citizens of the same world, and that these blunders risk ravaging more than mere national pride.

While the self-proclaimed good guys forecast imminent global doom should Iran or North Korea ever obtain nuclear weapons, perhaps the more pressing concern is our allies throwing 50 warheads in the trunk and driving around with a head full of whiskey, wine and downers.

And yet who can condemn the British or the French? This obviously is no fault of theirs.

That two nuclear-armed submarines managed to collide in the Atlantic Ocean, as ridiculous as it all is considering the infinite space and avenues, is a bloody amazing feat for which only god can take credit.

The math alone requires us to forgive the two mortal nations without questions, punishment, or ridicule, as this was not of their doing. It would be like two 8-foot-tall redheads with 160 IQs and only 8 toes running into each other on a bike trail in Wichita, Kansas. Just doesn’t happen without good reason.

What won’t be forgiven is our grave suspicions of the ocean, for the world survived another day, but at what cost. I for one will never step foot in the Atlantic again, lest I wish for my right foot to fall off and grow tentacles and a set of teeth in its place. No, that doesn’t sound too swell at all.


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The Osama Bin Laden Guide to Immortality

Considering the News…

Former terrorism mogul and one-time television sensation Osama bin Laden has lugged his crippled bones out of the death box once again, this time calling for jihad hell in Israel until Jerusalem is rightfully or wrongfully (who really knows) returned to the Palestinians.

Bin Laden, the generous soul that he was, also welcomed the President-elect to the world stage with a nugget of invaluable advice, namely that his unthoughtful predecessor is leaving him a pile of shit and he might consider withdrawing American troops if he doesn’t wish to step in it.

Initially, my reaction to this latest installment in The Middle East is Fucked Diaries was “Wow, that inbred clown is still around. Go figure.” Then it was, “Wow, what happened to al-Quaida’s marketing budget? They go from polished militant videos to a barely audible audio recording played over a picture of Osama from 1998? Something’s gone terribly wrong here. Have they not been to Best Buy Dubai lately? Have they not seen the kickass HD camcorders on the market?”

Further analyzing this Wizard of OZ tomfoolery spawned thoughts of my own immortality, and what low-budget production might prolong my own impact beyond these living days. The exact nature and capacity of my impact concerned me little – only how I could prolong the damn thing.

Thus I commenced recording a manifest compilation of random, spontaneous, and often times nonsensical ramblings. No topic escaped my attention. I realized that the recorded word, no matter how outlandish, could ultimately breed everlasting life if the right people managed my affairs after my expiration.

My plan now is to find someone, anyone, to play my tapes (Yes, I’m using tapes) once every six months after my death. Then it will be as if I were alive and well and speaking the fine words of wisdom myself – and in real time, too.

By recording 200 or 300 variations of the same speech – occasionally throwing in a fact I trust will withstand the test of time (Say, the Palestinians and Israelis fighting an everlasting holy war) – and then summoning a responsible and trustworthy colleague to play the tapes while holding up a picture of me (Personal Note: Find old high school baseball photos), then immortality will be mine.

That oafish assclown Osama was a ruthless son of a bitch, but he certainly had it all figured out. What a prodigious mind that rat bastard had to be. Way ahead of his time. And apparently beyond his time to boot.

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Cease Fires and Virginity Pledges…Two Pinnacle Ploys of Mankind

Considering the News…

After enjoying my morning coffee with a few riotous news stories exploring the missile hurling competitions in the Middle East, attention was drawn to a recent study examining the true prudence of teens willingly agreeing to the infamous virginity pledge.

Now, initially I saw no connection between the two, as there doesn’t seem an obvious link between the frisky nature of raucous teenagers and the fearless demeanor of the bomb-happy Palestinians and Israelis currently reconfiguring the border along the West Bank.

Yet the more I read, the more I pondered, and the more I compared, it occurred to me that man indeed is a frivolous being, perpetually haunted by an innate instinct to seek and destroy, not long deterred by pesky cease-fire agreements and virginity pledges.

Yessir, restrictive pledges inhibit man for only so long, this evidenced by the hundreds of bombs that have rained from Middle East skies since the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas ended but only 10 days ago; and also reinforced by the alarming conclusions of a recent federal study that found the majority of teenagers pledging to abstain from sex have little intention of earnestly adhering to any of the guidelines.

In fact, these conspicuous teens seem to be taking that pledge out behind the woodshed and defiling it in much haste.

Thus we see the basic instincts of man will forever prevail over arbitrary agreements and pledges, for ploys of peace and purity seem quite nice and pleasing and G-rated and what have you, but nothing sates the soul quite like bombs and orgasms – a fact of the highest caliber.

Certain truths never falter, therefore, what sense is there in pretending east and west might soon exchange sides of the moon? Jews and Palestinians don’t appear overly anxious to exchange niceties, whores never make fine housewives, and the Yankees buy a losing, albeit expensive, team nine years out of ten.

So we should aim not to suppress these indulgences, but embrace them, never relenting in our epic quest to quench the desire to make it rain. That’s all we have. Hallelujah.

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China hates on Guns N’ Roses – Americans applaud China

Considering the News…

The ruling Communist Party of China has a thorn up its ass, and it goes by the name Guns N’ Roses. We should then expect some form of attack, for one is surely imminent. Not an attack on America as a whole, but specifically that greasy bandanna-rocking clown Axl…I imagine Slash is under siege just the same.

GNR’s highly-anticipated album Chinese Democracy is just too free spirited for the paranoid erectors of mysterious walls, as the state sponsored Global Times denounced the mildly provocative album of, “venomously attacking,” the rising superpower.

Thus record sales of the 14-year project (GNR began production of the sure-fire classic in 1994) will suffer to no end in China…mostly because it will be outlawed…but also because the Chinese aren’t stupid.

Communism must fry a black, charred trail through the vulnerable pastures of one’s mind, but I suspect the perceptions of reality are not so devastated and damaged to the point its victims are forever incapable of classifying shitty music when they hear it.

So while it’s imperative we commend the Chinese government for rejecting this lame musical offering from society, I fear the move was quite unnecessary – no matter how many democratically inspired lyrics grace the album’s songs, freedom lyrics aren’t saving this album, or band, either way.

Axl scares the Chinese...among others

Axl scares the Chinese...among others

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