Tag Archives: Funny

8 percent of Illinois residents are crazy…Many proud parents

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is still a very popular figure in his home state, as recent polls indicate eight percent of his constituents still think rather highly of him.

And that’s no laughable accomplishment considering his current legal troubles, so I imagine his parents are quite proud of him these days, calling all friends and acquaintences in the rolodex for some good old fashioned offspring praising.

And yet Blago might not even be the most admired golden child in the state, what with Jessie Jackson’s boy Jessie Jackson sowing a rather sparkling image for himself, making all sorts of glamorous headlines and becoming an earnest talking point for late night talk show hosts. Quite a big deal he’s become.

Indeed, I’m no father myself, however, I’m compelled to believe a son like Jessie Jr. would bring me unparalleled joy. Few things elevate the spirits of a good-hearted man in the same fashion as witnessing a son surpass the public greatness of himself, and Jessie Jackson’s certainly a good-hearted man if there ever was one.

I’m sure the Jacksons are going to have a splendid Christmas this year, and so too the Blagojevich family. They’ll receive all sorts of thoughtful gifts and a litany of endearing cards, all coming from eight percent of the friends and family they once had.


Filed under Dirty Politics, Unexplainable Happenings

Sarah Palin told me to do it – Psychiatric evaluation ensues

Considering the News…

God is a mysterious being – no one denies that – but His actions have been quite questionable as of late.

First it was letting Sarah Palin in on the secret that His “Will” inspired Americans to rid the earth of all terrorists. Then it was telling Sarah Palin the prospects for a 2012 run look good. And now He’s even telling truckers to patrol traffic, stopping at nothing to get the lousy drivers off the road.

At least one vigilante driver took God’s wishes to heart, as a San Antonio trucker rammed his truck into some woman’s ride because the Man Upstairs told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”

Apparently God is so far ahead of schedule these days He’s now extended the list of sins to include shitty driving. Right.

Well, we can already see where this is heading. Pleading insanity was a 1990s thing. Now “God’s Will” is the new best defense for criminal believers and lunatics. Which leads me to conclude I should attend service more often. Get in touch with God. See if he can’t tell me to rob a bank or knock off a few convenience shops. Guess He only contacts the good and the righteous. Damn.


Filed under I Don't Believe It!

Things you can’t say in Colorado – Your lady is a tramp

Considering the News…

One has to wonder how the hell Hunter S. Thompson ever got away with living in Colorado. The guy should have done some serious time…and not just for the abundance of mind-bending drugs and explosives…Thompson’s typewriter should have gotten him locked up thrice daily.

The news out of Fort Collins is that some 40-year-old buster was arrested for, get this reader, calling his lady a lousy whore on Craigslist. Ok, perhaps his rhetoric was a weeee-bit more libelous than that (He actually claimed she was giving her lawyer the business in exchange for legal representation), but it sets a startling precedent either way you lube the shaft.

You see, people just don’t get arrested for saying, writing, or publishing that kind of twisted shit these days. Wrists are slapped. Retractions are printed. Apologies are faked. But no one gets 18 months in the “fun shower” for calling his lady a no-good, meddling tramp on the damn “Raves and Rants” section of Craigslist. Maybe in China. Maybe in North Korea. Maybe those blasted Russians even take a pinky toe to prove a point.

But under no circumstances should any American face time for calling a loved one an easy skank – no matter how ludicrous the claims. This is a classic case of “Slander per se”  since the guy challenged a woman’s “chastity,” however, such ugly claims are made in every middle school, high school, college, and redneck-infested watering hole 365 days a year.  

Should this truly warrant one’s imprisonment? Do we have room for this in American prisons? Do you, reader, personally know anyone outside of your grandmother who hasn’t called someone a whore, even in jest, at one time or twelve others?

You see, the worst part is the actual wording of the Colorado statute that made this arrest possible…Any words “tending to blacken the memory of one who is dead” or to “expose the natural defects of one who is alive, and thereby to expose him to public hatred, contempt or ridicule.”

Jesus! Pretty damn vague if you ask me. Seems quite a few could be picked up on this. The people of Colorado better act fast and fix this preposterous speech limitation, lest they wish to winnow away their remaining days in complete solitude and silence.

And as for Mr. Man with the filthy mind – perhaps he should consider reading up on John Peter Zenger and private investigators before his hearing, because if his lady is as naughty as he claims, this could be a quick and easy defense.


Filed under I Don't Believe It!

President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.


Filed under Dirty Politics

Kanye West arrested in England…Still a Douche

Considering the News…

Famous rapper and perpetual nuisance, Kanye West, was arrested outside an England night club for getting rowdy with his fella’s. Apparently West wasn’t charged with anything, but it is believed one of the officers on the scene accused him of being the world’s biggest douchebag.

This comes in the wake of West’s comments that he is the “voice of his generation” and that Justin Timberlake could have easily claimed the crown if he weren’t so damn busy vacationing with ugly chicks. As a member of this so-called “generation,” it is quite unnerving to know that Kanye is my voice. Actually, it really sucks and I am aggressively seeking new generations to become a part of.

Just “wait ’til I get my money right,” as my voice would say.

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Filed under I Don't Believe It!

Good News: Christian Slater is Alive…Bad News: Still Can’t Act

Considering the News…

There’s really good news out of Hollywood – Christian Slater is alive. I know, right, seems like he’s been dead for years.

He’s exactly the kind of Hollywood figure you randomly think of – usually while you’re either stuck in traffic or doing bathroom office dirty work – and say, “Hey, I wonder what happened to that douche…think I remember hearing something about him OD-ing back in ’96.”

Nope. Christian Slater is alive, healthy, and probably still rich from his killer run in the 80s; however, unfortunately he still can’t act worth a shit. In light of this fact, NBC has elected to can his horrible show about an assassin or secret agent or someone cooler and sneakier than America could ever believe Slater to be.

No matter what his character supposedly did for a living this much is certain – no one cared to tune in long enough to find out. Oh well, I’m sure in the future Slater will rise from the dead yet again, failing to impress anyone with his acting abilities. Can’t wait.

Even Slater often wonders why he sucks so much...

Even Slater often wonders why he sucks so much...


Filed under I Don't Believe It!