Tag Archives: government

Blagojevich to Obama: Go to Hell

Considering the News…

Fearing he might not be governor for much longer, overlooking the shimmering fact his powers have all but been diminished, if not already seized, Rod Blagojevich unbuckled the belt holding up his trousers and gave the President-elect an unmissable shot of his steaming bum.

Despite the strategic tantrums of senate majority leader and the chamber’s most masculine of senators, Harry Reid, Blago saw no good reason why he shouldn’t do his duty as governor and appoint Obama’s senate replacement.

FBI investigations can be quite drawn out and cumbersome, something a man of Blago’s stature can’t have much patience for, so the esteemed governor heroically refused to delay the appointment in these times of frustration and economic turmoil.

Thus Roland Burris, unknown to most before today’s bizarre press conference, became the latest star in this he-said-I-said-the-tape-said saga, and in doing so found his name as the hottest search on Google – a triumphant feat most will never know.

Rightly suspecting team Obama might not immediately embrace his nomination, Blago arranged for Congressman Bobby Rush to join him onstage in order to remind people that Obama’s senatorial departure had left the chamber without any black men at all.

As Mr. Burris is indeed a black gentleman, we must then commend Governor Blagojevich for setting aside all criminal investigations and impeachment threats and the like to serve his nation in the best way he sees fit. Evidently that means telling the President-elect to fuck off, lugging a good man’s name through the mud, and resuming business as usual.

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Illinois continues streak of corrupt governors

Considering the News…

The state of Illinois is precise and methodical in electing only the most corrupt scumbags to office, especially when it comes to the governorship. Perhaps no other member of the union boasts a better track record of crooked politicians than Illinois, save maybe New Jersey and Louisiana.

It’s rather startling to fathom one state successfully electing such brazen thieves time and time again, an ultimate exercise of participatory democratic destruction. Nevermind the occasional successes like, say, a Durbin or an Obama – Illinois embraces the notion of unsavory, untrustworthy government  and should be commended for its ardent devotion to a single set of ideals.

How rebellious. How adventurous. How non-partisan.

You see, as news breaks of Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich’s arrests on too many counts of corruption to trouble the WordPress servers with, one must appreciate how bipartisan Illinois corruption really is, for his arrest comes as his predecessor rots in federal prison for racketeering and fraud.

Blagojevich, the silly son of a bitch he is, actually campaigned on, get this, cleaning up the despicable mess left by Republican Governor George Ryan. And, of course, he won!

But, contrary to Blagojevich’s charming beliefs, Illinois didn’t put him in office because they yearned for change, but, rather, because they knew he was just the man to perpetuate the seedy ways of Ryan. Indeed, having realized this soon after the inauguration, Blagojevich embarked on his own term of terror, cutting deals with any and every company with a checkbook.

And Blagojevich, God bless his soul, became so proud of his work in corruption that he fancied extending a dirty hand to the nation’s capitol, offering up the Senate seat left open by Obama’s election to the highest bidder. Now that’s government we can believe in.

It’s now a shame that Blago won’t be around to see what his great work in corruption means to his beloved home state, the Land of Lincoln. But we know this. We know the citizens of Illinois always have a crook lurking in the shadows, and his replacement will perhaps be an even bigger piece of shit than him.

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Message to Obama: Get Harry Reid Under Control

Considering the News…

The President-Elect probably hasn’t even shaved since winning the election, but it’s imperative Barack Obama gets Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, to put his fiery balls in a bucket of ice water before he singlehandedly undermines Obama’s “new way of politics.”

Reports indicate Reid’s closed-door meeting yesterday with Democratic disgrace, Sen. Joe Lieberman, played out more like a belligerent back-alley brawl than a civilized meeting between well-known congressmen. Pissed off about Joe’s unbridled support of John McCain, Reid is contemplating stripping the independent senator of his chairman duties for the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee.

The Democrats are less than 72 hours removed from winning the White House and increasing leads in both the House and Senate, yet Reid already aims to take a steamy, bubbly piss all over that whole “reach across the aisle” bull shit that inspired his party’s entire campaign.

Not a wise move, Reid. Not very wise at all. Dismissing Lieberman for strictly political purposes sends the message that you and your entire party are backsliding power-mongers just like your opposition. And the American citizenry proved on Tuesday that they pay attention to that kind of thing.

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Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers – the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

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Preparing for 2012: Palin, McCain and the GOP divide

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How did it get to this? How did the GOP split like the pants of a fat man trying to touch his toes? It once seemed an impossible divorce. Now it must ravage their brains like a horrific dream.

W’s first years in office symbolized the era of an unrelenting bond between fiscal conservatives, evangelicals, and southern zealots. It was a peculiar medley of citizens living harmoniously on the axis of patriotism, Christianity, and an ire for taxes. Different shades of characters all agreeing on a few certainties – Jesus lives, terrorists die, the tax man can get fucked.

Such unrelated concepts bound a majority of the electorate together, with Karl Rove’s devious plan of everlasting power seemingly on the cusp of fruition.

Moderate democrats and radical liberals pissed themselves, fearing the country’s absolute political narrative had been writtten. Something had to give. Surely this shit couldn’t endure forever. However, no immediate demographic shifts appeared likely. Perhaps never again in this lifetime.

So what the hell happened? How are the democrats a mere seven days away from claiming governing dominance? Seven days away from forging a monopoly in congress and the White House. Seven days away from throwing more republicans out of Washington.

Well, George W. Bush happened. Then John McCain happened. And then Sarah Palin happened.

Three different entities representing three wildly different visions of the party. And we all know three heads in one bed just doesn’t make any damn sense – not unless porn is involved.

Bush’s approval ratings illuminate the growing discontent even party loyalists have with undisciplined spending. John McCain’s original immigration stance and utter failure to court the core party base proves they won’t just vote for any yokel waving a flag and wearing GOP pins. And Sarah Palin’s thinning patience with McCain highlights where the party is now headed – for a drastic overhaul before 2012.

Palin’s swift claim of Christian conservative hearts indicates the party’s future lies with its past. She’s cut ties with her runningmate on many issues, trashing pre-drafted speeches and trumpeting her own record instead. McCain’s closest aides have responded with vicious words, berating her with cries of “diva” and “whack job.”

Either way, the grand old party has become a festering heap of crucifixes and tax cuts, as more and more people realize Jesus could just as well be a democrat and republicans can waste money with the best of them. Now a massive shortage on ideas has Karl Rove losing sleep, as his righteous dreams prove naive and unfounded.

Now it’s back to the drawing board. Preparations for 2012 begin next Wednesday. John McCain won’t be involved in any notable fashion, but something tells me Palin will have a black magic marker in her hand and a smile on her face.

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Skinheads Plot Obama Assassination – Fail Miserably

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Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman are not your typical white supremacist skinheads. They have big ambitions and delusions of neo-Nazi grandeur, you see. Death concerns them none. Not their own or anyone else’s.  They concoct evil schemes of epic proportions. Spine-rattling schemes straight out of Hitler’s racial-cleansing playbook.

They have a myriad of things going for them. Fortunately for mankind, competence and common sense were never sown into their organic roots.

Thus in lieu of achieving infamy and martyrdom in the bigot kingdom, these two cankerous jackals will receive cute nicknames like ‘Baby D’ and ‘Sweet P Schlesselman’ in the land of kinky felons and god-spiting sodomites.

Indeed, Danny and Paul are off to the dungeons of mental-oppression, having fallen 102 bodies short of their 102-corpse plot that would have began with a predominately black high school and ended with Senator Obama.

Hopefully they one day feel remorse. Hopefully they someday feel shame. Lord knows they will soon feel pain – many thrusts of it.

And today I am imbued with gratitude – thankful that lunacy and ambition failed to accomplish anything this time around…thankful those two punks will be remembered for idiocy and hatred, but not for efficiency and productivity.

Rot in hell, you scumbags. The world, even in its most bigoted terrains, is a better place today. Now that you’re off the streets.

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how tough he is with a gun

Tired of being beaten up as a child, Cowart shows how big and bad and tough he is with a gun.

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