Tag Archives: Jessica Simpson

The flabby saga of Jessica Simpson – Plus Barack Obama proves in one week that he is not God

Considering the News…

Thirsting for a major news story to fill the ominous void left by the passing of President Barack Obama’s inauguration, the mainstream media naturally turned to Jessica Simpson’s luscious jelly rolls.

I cannot honestly claim to be surprised, nor can I fathom any other way this could have unfolded. The sequence of events makes rather perfect sense.

A country predominately comprised of fat, hypocritical, superficial louts falls in love with a transcendent public figure, unwittingly believes manifest change will sweep through the land by the efforts of one, only to then direct all eyes and attention to a flabby, washed-up music icon 7 days later.

This must be poetic justice for the conservative fellows who trumpeted the farce of Obama’s celebrity from the beginning. While President #44 may indeed salvage the economy, resurrect our foreign endeavors, and breed unparalleled mental peace, he certainly cannot wrench our attention away from flabby, washed-up music icons. An impossible feat, if ever one was so.

Ms. Simpson’s pooch has now spawned one of the most contentious public discourses since the November election, as a myriad of pundits and talk show hosts (many of the female variety) don capes and attempt to save Simpson’s dignity. Another impossible feat.

What they fail to understand is that Jessica Simpson’s jiggly mid-section is deserving of ridicule, for she claimed the admiration of many only by flaunting a once impeccable figure. Once that falters, so does America’s appreciation for her existence. If sheer singing ability and intelligence defined her, I would not have invested 20 minutes of my time in writing these playful words. She would be just another fat, hypocritical, superficial lout clogging up the pores of America.

But perhaps there is hope for Simpson to reinvent her image, maybe as a physical metaphor for the American people, the people who once soared to wondrous heights by utilizing god’s gifts, only to stuff the spoils down the chute with no sense of consequence.

This unflattering attention will likely inspire Simpson to hit the treadmill, working earnestly to reclaim her fruitful form. The true wonder is whether America can do the same.


Filed under I Don't Believe It!

McCain downplays Tony Romo injury…says Cowboys still the favorites

Corrupting the News…

John McCain still has his money on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl.

Despite losing starting quarterback, Tony Romo, for up to a month with a broken pinky on his throwing hand, the republican presidential nominee told reporters Monday that “the fundamentals of the Dallas Cowboys are still strong,” and that he “expects big things out of Jessica Simpson’s man.”

“The Cowboys represent America, that’s why they’re America’s team,” McCain said. “You look at their jerseys, and cheerleaders, and their players, and their owner, and their cheerleaders, and that’s what you see – main street America.”

When asked to comment on the disruptions caused by volatile personalities like Terrell Owens and Pacman Jones, McCain continued the America metaphor.

“You visit the inner city neigborhoods of some of our most impoverished cities and that’s what you see – jackass clowns like that,” he said. “Not that I’ve seen it personally, that’s just what you hear. But me? I avoid those areas like the goddamn plague. Never go. Why? They aren’t voting for me anyway. Fuck ’em.”

The Obama campaign pounced on the McCain quote, saying it was the economy all over again.

I'm the coolest thing ever!

I'm the greatest ever!

“John McCain comes out and says the fundamentals of the economy are strong, and then Wall Street goes down like a lame hooker,” said Obama spokeswoman, Sharon Felt. “Now he says the Cowboys are still favorites, even though Romo’s hand is fucked worse than O.J. The man obviously has no freaking clue of what’s going on in the world around him.”

Tony Romo, who broke the pinky Sunday while getting crushed for the twentieth time by the Arizona Cardinals, said he appreciated McCain’s support in these dark times.

“That’s really neat that a man who could be president is thinking about little old me,” Romo said. “You know what’s also neat? That I’m bangin’ Jessica Simpson and everybody thinks I’m the greatest thing ever. Which they should. Because I am.”

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Filed under Corrupting the News