Tag Archives: Joe the Plumber

Joe the Plumber and Joe the Victim

Considering the News…

Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.

Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash in search of the mucky sludge on which the American machine runs? Is there no shame funneling through the veins of these atrocious gossip-mongers?

Well, I say someone owes poor Joe an apology. Or at least a damn convincing explanation, something the seedy and conniving Helen Jones-Kelley couldn’t offer her superior, however. The Department of Job and Family Services director faltered miserably when asked to explain these 18 unwarranted checks, and now Gov. Ted Strickland is in her ass hardcore, suspending HJK for a month sans pay.

Oooh-weeee that’s justice!

But not for poor Joe the Plumber, who will never again know dignity. The humiliation cost the 48K-a-year man a chance at one day owning that shiny plumbing company on the hill. Now he wallows and whines his way into the night, with nothing but a book deal and potential country music record to rely on. I fear I may never understand the purpose of life’s harsh unfairness.

You deserve better, Joe.

You deserve better, Joe.

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Move over Mario – It’s Super Obama World

Considering the News…

George W Bush isn’t the only one losing his spot atop the pedestal. Nor is Joe Wurzelbacher the only plumber Barack Obama has fucked over lately – now even Super Mario is out of a damn job. Obama’s just that big these days.

In celebration of his monumental election victory, SUPER OBAMA WORLD has been created to slash worker productivity rates worldwide. The free online game pits Obama against lobbyists, lipstick-wearing pit bulls, and, of course, the evil Sarah Palin, in a world highly reminiscent of Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.
What a kickass idea for a game! Those company reports just got thrown on the backburner. I’m Baracking the fuck out for the rest of the day.

Sorry, boss. Sorry, Mario.

Later, Mario!

Later, Mario!

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More Republicans endorse Obama – McCain gets Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

On the same day John McCain sealed the deal with the most coveted voter in America (at least in terms of insignificant people who somehow earned undeserved fame), Barack Obama continued reeling in big catches from the GOP pond.

Ronald Reagan’s chief of staff is the latest McCain political casualty, as Ken Duberstein announced he will be voting for Barack Obama come Tuesday.

He joins numerous other lifelong conservatives who feel, among other things, that Obama’s potential for greatness outweighs McCain’s lengthy record of “being a true American.”

Here’s a short list of other republicans dazzled by the light streaming from Obama’s campaign:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell

Former Solicitor General for Reagan, Charles Fried

Former South Dakota Senator, Larry Pressler

Former Maryland Senator, Charles Mathias

Former Rhode Island Senator, Lincoln Chafee

Former Massachusettes Governor, William Weld

Former Minnesota Governor, Arne Carlson

Former Bush Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

Former Iowa Congressman, Jim Leach

….You will notice the word “former” precedes many of these distinguished names, thus the McCain camp obviously downplays these figures as irrelevant. However, consider how many times McCain and Palin have invoked the name Reagan in this campaign, and it’s easy to deduce what’s happening.

McCain and Palin say the name Reagan hoping to coerce voters into thinking their broken policies and campaign will somehow translate to a presidency similar to that of President Reagan.

Well, if his own staffers don’t believe it…then why the hell should we?

But good job on the Joe the Plumber endorsement, Senator McCain. It’s a really big deal. Really. I mean that.

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

Can Joe the Plumber fix McCain's clogged campaign pipes?

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New McCain strategy – defend Joe the Plumber

Considering the News…

John McCain’s going on the defensive for his new son-in-law, Joe the Plumber.

After latching his campaign to the anti-socialist Mr. Clean fanatic, McCain now looks to score points by accusing Obama’s camp of bringing down poor Joe.

While I’m sure the O-Team relishes the fact Joe the Plumber is a 40K-a-year nobody and not an authentic 250K-earning potential small business owner, the media lunatics raiding Toledo are responsible for the vicious revelations concerning this political creature – not Obama staffers.

Hence McCain’s desperate strategy. By going after Obama for going after America’s premier plumber’s crack, McCain-Palin is employing yet another “he’s not really like us” tactic.

Will it work? Probably not. But the more people talk about a tax-evading plumber, the better off McCain is.

Obama wants to talk about issues – doesn’t every politician – but McCain needs people to forget about the slumping economy and the seedy republican party the country predominately associates it with.

And he needs them to forget fast. For it doesn’t matter whose policies are better, as Obama wins the economy debate by default. Not tax codes.

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Will Obama’s support actually show up?

Considering the News…

Barack Obama’s looking over his shoulder like a vulnerable sweetheart scampering through the streets of Harlem at 3 in the morning. Why wouldn’t he?

Having survived the final debate with the new-car smell still fresh in his RV of Hope, Obama reminded supporters yesterday of two words that dispel any notion the election is in the bag – New Hampshire.

While this is a reasonable point – Hillary’s tears of patriotism 36 hours before the NH primary resulted in a Obama second-place finish – it doesn’t entirely translate to his current position.

Obama was the hot piece of ass after storming through Iowa with a leadoff victory, but a New Hampshire win was never “inevitable,” to use the Hillary camp parlance, as his election seems to some right now.

Therefore, perhaps he should have said three words – New England Patriots.

That’s the plight of team Obama now. If too many supporters…especially the young cats idolizing him like…Sammy Davis Jr…neglect to vote on account of overconfidence, Obama’s election hopes will sink faster than a bar of soap in the prison shower. Which is quite fast considering gravity.

Thus Obama will spend the remaining 18 days of his campaign reinvigorating his already-committed voters. It sounds asinine, but the thorn in his ass isn’t the “independent” voters who could go McCain, but the voters he already successfully seduced six months ago.

Should a considerable amount of sure-thing voters decide to do laundry or catch the new episode of House, Obama’s extensive support will dwindle and provide McCain an unnecessary opening.

Pissed off republicans like Joe the Plumber won’t stay home on election day, no matter what’s on TV or how much they hate Bush. So the question is whether Barack’s fan base shows up on moving day to help him pack up boxes for the White House.

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Joe the Unlicensed Plumber

Considering the News…

Looks like Joe the Plumber is going to be out of a job. Stardom is a bitch like that.

You don’t become an iconic archetype of American politics and get away unscathed. As McCain would even say – first it’s the hatchet, then the scalpel.

Well, they’re taking the scalpel right between Joe’s ears and legs right now, because reports from the Toledo Blade indicate that Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher is an Ohio plumber – just not a legally licensed one.

Which, of course, is a problem, seeing as how most state laws require proper credentials for obtaining jobs that dictate where and when the shit flows.

I’m sure Joe the Plumber will be fine, however. He has every major TV, radio, and news medium in the country wanting to polish that sleak dome of his. Thus I imagine a handsome reward – possibly a book deal or star role in the WWE – will land in his lap shortly…assuming it hadn’t already before he ever “happened” upon Barack Obama last week.

Oh, how fate does put the average Joe in unfathomable situations.

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Daily Kos: Joe the Plumber or Joe the Tax Evader

Considering the News…

Maybe Joe the Plumber doesn’t have to worry about Obama’s proposed tax hikes for the rich and famous after all. Looks like the unregistered voter of the year doesn’t care for paying taxes no matter what the amount.

After ABC News identified America’s new favorite plumber’s crack as one Samuel Joe Wurzelbacher, a quick check on Ohio’s online tax records reveals one Samuel J Wurzelbacher of Toledo is being pursued in the Lucas County Court of Common Pleas for $1,182.98 in unpaid dues to Uncle Sam.

The Daily Kos shed the light on this story. We’ll see where the roaches scramble to for cover.

Such a brutal turn of events might discredit my claims that Joe the Plumber is a fraud faker than Pam Anderson’s fun bags, for certainly Mr. Wurzelbacher wouldn’t have willingly injected himself into the mainstream media hoopla of this paramount election knowing he’d left the needle and burnt spoon out on the bathroom sink for any mudslinger to trudge up.

So a weird and unenviable fate awaits Mr. McCain’s new favorite stump figure, Mr. Working Man America, Joe the Plumber.

Either his unexpected fame was pure luck, shitty luck, or, as I contended before, a complete fabrication by the McCain camp. If it turns out it’s the latter, Joe the Plumber should at least ask the Maverick to borrow 1,200 bucks and a lawyer.

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Message to Joe the Plumber: You’re Rich, Bitch! And a Fraud!

Considering the News…

Joe the Plumber is a goddamn American hero. In the flesh. All 250 pounds of his bald-headed body…American hero.

At least that’s what the McCain campaign wants the country to believe. They want us to eat him up and say, “Ah, that Joe the Plumber’s just like me – I’ll be damned! McCain really is the guy for regular folks like Joe the Plumber and myself.”

The only problem is Joe the Plumber’s likely a fraud. Actually, I have no doubts about it. This is character placement of the worst kind – like in porn when the pizza guy shows up just as the sexy coed chicks are lotioning each other up, having totally forgotten they even ordered a large cheese 30 minutes before.

Joe the Plumber watches McCain make an ass out of him.

Joe the Plumber watches McCain make an ass out of him.

Joe Six Pack meet Joe the Plumber. That’s what this surreptitious political ploy is all about – putting a face, a rather stern and frustrated one, on Joe Six Pack.

Pull him out of the crowd, teach him a few clutch lines, slip him a thousand bucks, and say, “Joe, congratulations – you’re famous!”

Knowing that the McCain campaign has been writing thousands of bogus “Letters to the Editor” around the country, is it any surprise his shameless cohorts would devise such a Rovian scheme?

Not at all. We expect as much. That’s why republicans win more campaigns. That’s why you occasionally experience the patriotism-inspired notion that, “You know, McCain really is a patriot. If he wins, well fuck, I’m right behind him.” Then he smirks and thrusts an unnecessary dagger and the feeling fades quick enough that fortunately no permanent scars or streak marks stay on your conscience.

They’re dirty dogs running a dirty campaign. “I regret some of the things said in this campaign,” McCain said. “Every time there’s been an out-of-bounds remark made by a republican, no matter where they are, I have repudiated them.”

This was just another lame excuse from a cut-throat quasi-racist campaign. High school freshmen showing up at 3 a.m. reeking like booze come up with more compelling excuses than that heartless smut.

At least throw us a fucking bone here, John. Make up some unbelievable shit. Say Sarah Palin’s been hypnotized by terrorists or aliens or something of the sort. Don’t act like you can say anything as long as you repudiate it. Did that work for Michael Richards? No.

And Joe Wurzelbacher may indeed be a plumber wanting to someday buy his own company, but there’s no way he was a random bystander that mystically collided with Obama.

The McCain camp knew Barack was going door-to-door, and if it wasn’t Joe the Plumber it would have been Joe the Carpenter, Joe the Trucker or Joe the Bartender. Eitherway, Joe Middle-Class America was running into Obama that day. It just happened to be Wurzelbacher.

The amusing part of the whole charade was during the debate when flustered McCain ended up flipping out on his own planted gem, Joe the Plumber. Flipped out like a freaking lunatic. Flipped out like the hot head all his cronies, confidants and acquaintances know him to be.

“Joe, congratulations – you’re rich, bitch! And Senator Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!!!”

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