Tag Archives: John McCain Scandal

Hugh Hefner endorses McCain…Then Reneges

Corrupting the News…

Hugh Hefner is a big John McCain fan. At least he was.

Having endorsed McCain several weeks back, saying the two shared the same taste in women, now Hefner wants his endorsement and his girlfriend back.

Rumors are circulating betwixt Hollywood insiders that former Hef lover and star of E!’s The Girls Next Door, Holly Madison, has abandoned the publishing icon for a presidential candidate ten years his younger.

Hugh reaches for his Viagra

Hugh realizes he left the Viagra on his bureau

“Obviously age played a big part in her decision,” said Laura Heart, managing editor of Hollywood Smut. “Holly finally realized Hef was just too old to realistically have a future with him. John McCain’s youth and energy has revivified her. It’s a complete transformation.”

The Hefner-Madison fallout initially seemed a natural occurence, as the blonde vixen’s star power has climbed steadily since the show’s debut in 2001. However, her decison to move from the Playboy Mansion to the White House startled even her closest friends.

“I really thought Holly would take some personal time before jumping into another relationship, but her spontaneity has always been one of her best qualities – that and her breasts anyway,” said Rachel Ford, one of Madison’s closest confidantes.

The McCain campaign hopes Holly and McCain’s relationship – which they insist is somewhat platonic – can provide the same momentum boost seen when Sarah Palin was added to the ticket.

“The more sexy women McCain has at his side, the better off he is with independent male voters between the ages of 18 and 108,” said McCain spokesman, Todd Clary. “Experience and fancy rhetoric garner a lot of votes, but nothing sways the American male electorate like 36-Cs.”

Hefner has yet to make any public comments on the situation, though sources in the Playboy Mansion said he isn’t taking this lightly.

“There’s two things Hef hates losing – money and women,” the source said. “He’s obviously distraught right now, but he still has his millions of dollars and dozens of women, so I think he’ll get by. He actually has a pair of Playboy twins moving in soon. And when I say twins, I mean twins.”

When asked by reporters how she felt about the campaign addition, Cindy McCain said she wasn’t worried the least bit.

“If John thinks her tits won’t sag in twenty years, then he’s got another thing coming,” she said. “Besides, I’m the one with all the money in this marriage. If John wants to go broke for a busty chest, then I hope the two of them don’t mind living on welfare. It would probably change his entire platform.”

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Palin Discloses State Spending Checkbook

Corrupting the News…

Sarah Palin is earnest about absolute government transparency and accountability, so much so the Alaska governor’s office is now releasing comprehensive spending records from her time in office.

Answering the calls of media critics accusing her of cloaking controversial documents as governor, Palin aims to reassure voters that she will bring pure change to a “greedy and corrupt” Washington.

“America wants honest leaders, so I want to show them I got nothin’ to hide,” Palin said. “If Barack Obama is serious about being president, I would hope he does the same.”

Palin declined to comment on the fact Senator Obama has never held an executive office, and thus has never assumed responsibility of a comparable checkbook. She also appeared quite dumbfounded when reporters informed her of the federal government already having full disclosure at USASpending.gov, where Obama’s spending records are easily accessible.

Palin charged Alaskan taxpayers $875 in October of 2007 for a professional fisherman to land her a prize catch.

Palin charged Alaskan taxpayers $875 in October of 2007 for a professional fisherman to land her a prize catch.

“Well, it’s about darn time,” Palin said. “I’ll have to have someone on my staff read those and see what he’s been up to.”

Some notable expenditures of Governor Sarah Palin’s:

  • $1,200 to Winchester Ammunition: One-time payment for year’s supply of shotgun shells and limited edition Teddy Roosevelt cartridges.
  • $2,700 to COVERGIRL: One-time payment for basics cosmetics, including 27 tubes of lip gloss.
  • $2.95 to Amazon.com: One-time payment for copy of The U.S. Constitution:And Fascinating Facts About It. (Accounting Note: This purchase was later returned. A full refund was granted.)
  • $2,800 to Pitbull Breeding Co.: One-time payment for 10 female and 2 male bulldogs.
  • $4,800 to Michael Vick Dogfighting, Inc.: One-time payment for complete dogfighting kit, including cages, training videos, and whips.
  • $79 to Bikini Unlimited: One-time payment for American flag bikini.
  • $6,600 to Tanning Bed Paradise: One-time payment for personal tanning bed, plus installation.
  • $397 to Hank’s Knives: One-time payment for complete moose-scalping knife collection.
  • $900 to Mounting Industries: One-time payment for moose-head mounting kit.

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McCain the Nazi…Played integral role in Iran-Contra affair

Corrupting the News…

John McCain the Nazi sympathizer? Barack Obama thinks so.

The Obama camp reignited the conversation regarding McCain’s ties with an ultra-right-wing, pro-Nazi death squad involved in the Iran-Contra affair during the mid-1980s.

McCain and Bush Heil Hitler?

McCain and Bush Hail Hitler?

The move comes in response to Sarah Palin unleashing some savage witchery in Florida on Monday, condemning Obama for “palling around with terrorists” and “speaking too el-o-gently for a man of color.”

“You just don’t go there in American politics,” said Stevie Johns, an Obama spokesman. “If you can’t talk about your slutty daughter getting knocked up in high school, then how the hell are you gonna talk about Obama being a fucking terrorist? When she said that shit, we knew it was time to smack a bitch. That bitch, of course, being McCain. Not Palin, who…well, you get the point.”

McCain played the ignorance card when responding, saying that he “didn’t know whether the (U.S. Council For World Freedom’s) actions were legal or illegal,” but that he just “thought the Swastika tattoos were pretty neat.”

“I guess you could say I was a bit out of touch – he he he he he he,” McCain said amidst an insufferable spurt of awkward laughs. “Guess the liberals won’t be able to blame it on my age anymore.”

The U.S. Council For World Freedom funded covert arms shipments to the Contra Rebels, a mission funded with underground arms sales to Iran. However, McCain denies having knowledge of any wrongdoing.

“I didn’t know what was going on really, I just liked that my name was on their letterhead,” McCain said of his involvement with USCFWF. “I didn’t have many friends when I first came to Washington, and here was a group putting a hand out to a young congressman from Arizona. I wasn’t really a Nazi, but Hitler had always been a big inspiration for me. I’ve always kind of tried to emulate his demeanor. So I joined.”

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

Obama on his way to a 1968 bombing in Washington D.C.

The Obama staff also released a statement concerning the democratic nominee’s links to the Weather Underground, a domestic terrorist ring that accomplished little in the 1960s.

“After further review, we still find that Senator Obama was only eight years old when the Weather Underground was wreaking havoc in Washington, making any direct connections a stretch at best. Obama is a man of diplomacy, not bombs.”

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McCain buys house on eBay…Denies allegations of drug use

Corrupting the News…

Keeping track of all those houses just got a little tougher for John McCain. He doesn’t have a clue what the count is up to these days.

But whether he figures the dwelling count to be at one or two or seven is immaterial, as rumors are now circulating that he recently acquired yet another one.

When Joanne Smith of Chicago won an eBay auction for an abandoned crack house in Saginaw, Michigan, early reports indicated she aimed to do the wise thing: fix it up and flip it on the booming Saginaw crack house market.

Having won the glorified shed for only $1.75, the story was initially trumpeted as a quasi-humorous testament to the slumping housing market, or as they say about foreclosures in Saginaw, “Folks abandoned they home.”

However, further investigation has shed light on potentially shady property dealings by John McCain, namely that Smith was bidding on his behalf.

Witness claims of fraudulent behavior by Mr. Mac are mounting fast, as nearly two dozen Saginawians say they personally witnessed McCain inspecting the property during a Michigan campaign stop in June.

“I seen that McCain looking at the house for over an hour – but maybe it was only a couple minutes – and maybe it was another house,” said Saginaw resident, Travis Henry. “I was pretty drunk that day.”

The McCain camp is refuting accusations of any wrongdoing, saying McCain owning any property in Saginaw would be impractical since he already owns homes in Sterling Heights and Kalamazoo.

“Do you have any clue how far up north Saginaw is?” Said McCain property manager, Tyler Donahue. “He’d freeze his bloody balls off living in Saginaw. Go get yourself a fucking map before you bring these kind of charges.”

Allegations began swirling after it was revealed earlier this week that McCain didn’t, in fact, own seven houses, but 47…now 48, if his ownership of the crack house in Saginaw is confirmed.

But some experts contend that media institutions are missing the point.

“It’s not a question of how many houses a man owns – shit, McCain could own every house in Sandusky, for all I care,” said Carl Crawford, lead statistician at the Washington think tank, People With Many Houses. “The true question is what the hell does McCain want with a decrepit, trick-infested crack house in Saginaw. Why, he could buy a meatball sandwich and increase his personal worth more than this.”

Democratic opposition research teams have been working for months to tie Senator McCain to several drug scandals across the county – ecstasy rings in Phoenix, amphetamine production in Marshalltown, his wife’s Vicodin and Percocet addiction, and now a crack hotel in Saginaw.

To Bill Watkins of MoveUp.org, McCain’s alleged interest in an abandoned crack house makes perfect sense.

“To believe Senator McCain is involved with drugs isn’t entirely unfounded,” said Watkins. “If you just listen to the guy stutter and mumble, or hear that uncomfortable and nervous laugh, or see the way he’s always showing too much of his gums when he smiles, or that glazed look in his eyes – all the signs lead to one thing. We have a hunch it might be crack.”

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