Tag Archives: John McCain

Hannity and Colmes part ways – No reports of violence

Considering the News…

Alan Colmes is leaving Sean Hannity. The relationship became too nasty and abusive for the limp Colmes to endure yet another year of savage beatings and taunts and black eyes, so he’s filing his papers and seeking some much needed psychiatric attention – a well deserved respite if I’ve ever seen one.

The 12-year marriage will officially dissolve at the year’s end, when Colmes leaves to “pursue other creative projects” within the Republican National Committee’s official network, Fox News. The loan liberal on a star studded station of neo-cons and Bushites will reportedly continue contributing on his radio show and a new weekend pilot, however, his days of verbal sparring with that smug and pretentious Hannity shall be no more.

Which is rather sad when you reminisce on all the good times they’ve had, launching vicious attacks at one another’s party ideology and coming close to blows on numerous occasions. Colmes was vastly outnumbered, the entire network against him, yet somehow managed to hold his own. Thus I’m saddened by the thought of him leaving the show without ever having jammed a dull, lead pencil into Hannity’s right eye.

Too many opportunities escaped him, and I clearly recall at least 300 moments of unbridled Hannity condescension when I said, “This is it, this is when that little pussy Colmes finally stabs that cock Hannity in the goddamn eye with a dull, lead pencil. This is it!”

But it never happened. And now Colmes is calling it quits while turning in his badge and pocket protector.

Damn.

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

Hannity gets in a final blow on Colmes

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Innocent turkey slaughtered – Best Sarah Palin interview yet

Considering the News…

My esteemed, albeit irrational and afflicted, colleague I.M. Fletcher brought this remarkable video to my attention. While I’m sure I would have stumbled across it in time, it brings me greater joy knowing this priceless entertainment came from such an appreciative source.  

Sarah Palin has endured seismic humiliation since slithering into the limelight, mostly due to her utter stupidity and mind-boggling ability to slaughter the English language with every sentence (or attempt at a sentence) she speaks.

While conducting a nice little local interview and sounding surprisingly more coherent and relevant than we are accustomed to hearing, the curious eye cannot help but gaze directly at the worker giving a turkey the business in the background. Which likely explains why this is the best performance offered hitherto by the Alaskan moosetress – your mind can’t process a word she says. All you can do is stare, mesmerized, as the poor turkey’s head is grinded brutally to a pulp in the distance.

The worker seems quite pleased with his own performance – and I commend him for it.

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Joe the Plumber and Joe the Victim

Considering the News…

Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.

Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash in search of the mucky sludge on which the American machine runs? Is there no shame funneling through the veins of these atrocious gossip-mongers?

Well, I say someone owes poor Joe an apology. Or at least a damn convincing explanation, something the seedy and conniving Helen Jones-Kelley couldn’t offer her superior, however. The Department of Job and Family Services director faltered miserably when asked to explain these 18 unwarranted checks, and now Gov. Ted Strickland is in her ass hardcore, suspending HJK for a month sans pay.

Oooh-weeee that’s justice!

But not for poor Joe the Plumber, who will never again know dignity. The humiliation cost the 48K-a-year man a chance at one day owning that shiny plumbing company on the hill. Now he wallows and whines his way into the night, with nothing but a book deal and potential country music record to rely on. I fear I may never understand the purpose of life’s harsh unfairness.

You deserve better, Joe.

You deserve better, Joe.

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A New Country Under Obama? Probably Not

Considering the News…

After two years of watching the blood bubbles gush from pundits’ ears, things now begin settling quietly. The election is over and we have our first black president to show for it, which pisses some folks off and flat out frightens others.

But 63 million people can’t be wrong. Not this time.

Which isn’t to say every bill Obama signs as president will be entirely beneficial, or even advisable. Nor is it to imply his dominant campaign is a natural indicator that he will be a kickass president in the eyes of historians one century from today.

Indeed, there’s no more evidence that Obama will be a fruitful president than there is proof cars will run on tabs of acid by the year 2020. However, this monumental election was never about individual success or experience, it was about the American people finding a prism through which piles of shit begin looking like fat bowls of pudding again.

obama_chicago

Today things look and feel different than yesterday, even despite the Dow Jones blowing through another 300 points. The smell of pig shit, noxious gas and skunk is slowly evaporating from the air, even if the same impenetrable smog still lurks like it did 24 hours ago. That McDonald’s Big Mac was much tastier this afternoon, even if those blasted trans fats are deadlier than ever.

That’s what this election was about – a change of perception, a reason to hope, a message that hard times must not always have dark endings. Thus Barack Obama winning the presidency is a feather in all our sweat-stained caps. Whether you descend from African lineage is of no matter, for we are all Americans evolving in these times toward a united future. This was just as much our victory as it was Obama’s and victory feels pretty damn good.

So with that we say farewell to the campaign season and all its political banter. I can already feel my brain breathing again. My vision is returning rapidly. Long division isn’t nearly as difficult as it was three weeks ago. I no longer crave that stiff drink two hours removed from lunch…well, change isn’t always universal.

For better or ill, Winn & Tonic will continue this unparalleled ride through streets splattered with trash and squirrel carcasses. There’s too much surreal shit going on in this world to even think of retiring prematurely. Indeed, this venture has just begun.

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Poll Problems: Florida urban areas boast ONE voting booth

Considering the News…

Writing that headline made my ears ring for some reason. A loud, piercing ring showed up and I’m uncertain whether I should expect it to quiet in the coming hours, or even coming days for that matter.

A story from the Huffington Post, credited to TMZ (still confused why that particular institution got involved), reports that heavily-populated areas in urban Florida only have one freaking polling booth.

How the hell is this possible? Coming from a remotely-populated area in the Midwest, my polling place featured 10 voting booths and probably just as many people waiting in line to usethem. And yet the drastically saturated areas of the country (battleground states at that) have only one damn booth for thousands of voters…hmm.

A travesty of the worst kind. I’m utterly appalled, as well as frightened. The ghost of Katherine Harris is evidently alive and well in Florida. And that’s scary shit.

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Poll Problems: Ohio voters dropped from rolls

Considering the News…

Ohio election officials just can’t seem to figure it out. Either that or they’ve figured out just how to effectively disenfranchise voters time and again.

Calls are streaming into the Election Protection Coalition with complaints that registered voters are suddenly disappearing from the poll lists. Voters who have been registered at the same address for years are now stricken from the lists, which has Cuyahoga and Franklin County officials racing to fix these faults.

These same counties, representing Cleveland and Columbus, mysteriously encountered similar voting barriers in 2004 and 2006. One would think these minor mistakes could have been corrected by now. One would also question who benefits by this perpetual problem. Then one concludes that stunting voters in these democratic strongholds could really only benefit one party. But one doesn’t like to make any unfounded accusations. Especially not this one.

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Poll Problems: Wrong address has Iowa students’ votes in peril

Considering the News…

Here comes a ball-buster of a story out of Iowa, where 50 Grinnell College students errantly excluded their personal mailbox numbers on absentee ballots and now risk having their votes scooped up and trashed like cat turds from the litter box.  

The students evidently listed the general campus address and neglected to include their personal mailbox numbers. Well, the Poweshiek County Republicans weren’t going to let this little blunder slide, as the co-chairs filed a complaint aimed at getting the ballots tossed.

A hearing will be held Thursday, meaning even if these votes eventually are included, the students won’t have the satisfaction of knowing they contributed. And it’s a goddamn shame.

Stay tuned for more slime – the stories are rolling in from all over.

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