Tag Archives: Michelle Obama

Rod Blagojevich: Public Menace, National Hero, or Both? Plus a brief list of things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market

Considering the News…

Embattled Illinois Governor and renowned public ass Rod Blagojevich fancies himself to be somewhat of a hero.

Actually, that statement does him no justice whatsoever. Many apologies to his family for selling the man so short.

He fancies himself to be one of the most prolific and undeniably great heroes in American history – make that world history while we’re at it – a stalwart supporter of due process, civil liberties, and everything that is right and just in the universe.

This righteous man, one of the humblest you could hope to meet,  freely compares himself to Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi. Yes, I know. That Ghandi.

And rightly so.  These fine gentlemen were imprisoned for their persistence and pursuit of spreading revolutionary ideals. Blago is being impeached for corruption.

These profound men inspired millions, spawned mass movements and permanently transformed antiquated public opinions. Blago sacrificed his dignity so late night talk show hosts might never again suffer a shortage of hair jokes.

These selfless men endured the brutal wrath of millions, faced endless death threats, and bared the burden of so many, all in hopes of leaving behind a more tolerant world. Blago skipped the opening of his Senate impeachment hearings to go on “The View” and condemn unfair trials to Barbara Walters.

Because Rod Blagojevich is a veritable man of the people. Always has been, really.

“I’m talking to Americans to let them know what’s happening in the land of Lincoln,” he said so valiantly. “If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you.”

Transcendent words from a brilliant man. If they can do it to a governor, they can do it to you. Any of you!

That most Americans never have the opportunity to appoint a U.S. Senator doesn’t undermine his point, it reinforces it.

That most Americans have never been caught on federal wiretaps attempting to sell such an appointment to the highest bidder doesn’t compromise his defense, it only endears him to the state senators charged by the citizens of Illinois to deliver a fair verdict.

There is much to learn from the Rod Blagojevich saga. Thoughts on traditional common sense and ethics have been forever altered.  For that we must thank the man. Even if he is no hero, he is still the delusional ass with a silly haircut who reminded Americans that a free market doesn’t necessarily mean everything is for sale. Just one more thing to teach my kids one day.

Things that under no circumstances can be sold on the otherwise open market (In order of my learning them):

1. Anything belonging to my sister, with extra emphasis on her internal organs.

2. Any automobile not immediately belonging to me, with extra emphasis on automobiles rightfully owned by my parents.

3. Any small child, with extra emphasis on children entrusted to you by parents paying for services from the daycare you may or may not be employed at.

4. Any sexual favors, with extra emphasis on favors you are not readily willing to perform but are eagerly awaiting to be performed by women you may or may not have met on random street corners.

5. Any federal appointments, with extra emphasis on any federal appointment discussed in a room where federal wiretaps may or may not be present.

As is always the case, this list is amendable at any time. Thanks again for your submission, Rod.

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Bush vacates the White House, a terribly sad sun sets

Considering the News…

President Bush is back in Crawford, Texas, the sun having set at last on his memorable and abundantly eventful presidency. It’s back to civilian life, back to making trivial decisions that affect no one of interest.

Done are the presidential press conferences that inspired the collective cheers of so many Americans, all lauding his fine leadership while saying, “Just look at the truth spray from the glorious fountain that is his blessed mouth.”

Gone are the nightly compliments paid by popular late night talk show hosts, who so often honored President Bush with flattering Top Ten lists illustrating his competence and valor, or featured unforgettable clips from his valiant speeches, inevitably comparing him with the prolific orators who preceded him to the Oval Office.

Evaporated is the comforting notion of unchallenged national security, impregnable to the venomous terrorists hellbent on sowing America’s terrible doom, forever ready to sweep up any suspicious rogue who attempted to board the wrong plane or make the wrong cell phone call.

Lost is the simple honesty and crystal transparency of the Executive Branch, where Bush devoted the entirety of his eight years to illuminating to us common Americans the duties and privileges of this uncommon office, incidentally proving formidable leaders are never compromised by arrogance, stubbornness, or hubris.

Ended are the jovial bonds forged in the Bush administration, a successful experimentation in which friends and close colleagues worked intimately together to achieve the monumental, dismissing the antiquated sentiment that only a hodgepodge of so-called experts can propell the country to unbridled prosperity.

The nation, and thus the world, is much different today. A queer and unsettling feeling looms. Can our country survive without George W. Bush, the man who so cautiously overlooked our armed forces and national pocketbook with prudence and due diligence, the Commander-in-Chief who sacrificed his own passion, familial grudges, and personal agenda for the betterment of his treasured country?

No one can be certain. The future looks grim, with only a hint of sunshine gleaming off the coast of Hawaii. No expert myself, I have no authority to say.

But as a proud and concerned citizen of the greatest nation in history, I’m sure as shit ready to find out. God damn.

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McCain snubs Obama on post debate handshake…blames the weather

Corrupting the News…

For the record, John McCain’s refusal to shake Barack Obama’s hand was not a slight – it was a thoughtful gesture.

The Arizona senator said a coughing fit resulted in a massive wad of spit landing in his right palm, which he didn’t believe Obama would have appreciated.

“It’s not the 19th century anymore, people don’t spit and shake,” McCain said. “I could have shaken his hand, sure, and I would have left a disgusting green loogie in it. That’s not the way I plan to get elected. I’m running a clean campaign here.”

The Obama camp has accepted McCain’s apology, saying the germaphobic senator from Illinois likely would have passed out if such a gruesome exchange had been made.

“Senator Obama typically avoids handshakes whenever possible, so he’s glad McCain kept his bodily fluids to himself – Barack really dodged a bullet there,” said Obama spokesman, Charles Splat. “I mean, would you want McCain hacking up phlegm in your hand?”

While the two candidates failed to shake hands, Obama did share a brief embrace with Cindy McCain, who Obama said made an unusual request.

“Vicodin – that’s what she was after,” Obama said. “I told her I was fresh out, but that I support providing more painkillers to 95 percent of Americans. I have a plan for that actually, but it’s going to take a firm investment from the country.”

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Michelle Obama snubs Cindy McCain…Cat fight awaits

Corrupting the News…

Things nearly got ugly after the presidential debate Tuesday night, as Michelle Obama eyed Cindy McCain like a wildebeest keen on slashing a jugular.

As the candidates roamed the crowd greeting the audience and repeating the phrase “hope I can count on you in November” 200 times, Michelle thrust a vicious glare at an obviously frightened Cindy, who bowed her head in silent church-going fashion.

When asked about the incident later Cindy said she definitely feared for her life.

Michelle Obama prepares to scrap with anyone...anyone. Even dudes.

“I didn’t realize how big and tall she is,” Cindy McCain said. “All it took was one glimpse to know Michelle’s a bad mutha. Bet she’s on steroids like that Barry Bonds.”

Michelle was noticeably incensed backstage, where it took three Obama staffers to refrain her from attacking Cindy.

“Look at these guns – look at ’em,” said Michelle, pointing to her enormous biceps. “That scrawny little bitch doesn’t wanna step to this! Nuh uh. Nuh uh uh!”

Thomas Spectre, who writes a column for Cat Fight Weekly, said the fight would be more competitive than some might assume.

“I look at Michelle and obviously am like ‘Wow, that broad is stacked!'” Spectre said. “But I think Cindy is underrated because she is quick and scrappy. Plus I’m pretty sure she hates black people, so that would only further fuel her rage.”

When asked how she would fare against either of the candidate’s wives, Sarah Palin said she could take both of them out with little hardship.

“Are you kidding me, I have guns for crying out loud,” Palin said. “I would drop both of them with two pulls of the trigger.”

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Michelle Obama Sets Standards…Sarah Palin Plans to Strip

Corrupting the News…With Michelle Obama receiving invaluable coverage in the upcoming People’s “Top 10 Best & Worst Dressed” issue, the McCain camp is scurrying like rabid dogs to highlight Sarah Palin’s scintillating fashion sense.

Barack’s self-proclaimed “better half” joined widely-despised Hollywood skanks Fergie, Eva Mendez and Sarah Jessica Parker as this year’s posse of well-pampered charlatans. And the Obama camp couldn’t be more thrilled.

“This is huge for us because the majority of American women read nothing other than People’s,” said Obama fashion director, Lloyd Spalding. “This is like free propaganda. A lot of women voters don’t concern themselves with trivial issues. The big question is always, ‘What will the first lady wear!” Well, Michelle proved she won’t disappoint during her four years, hopefully eight years, of touring the world and doing almost nothing of significance other than looking like a damn fox.”

Spalding said the key to Michelle’s dressing success is her ability to hide her powerful man shoulders, which he said were reminiscent of a “freaking linebacker.”

With Sarah Palin’s approval rankings sinking faster than an unopened beer over the side of a fishing boat, the McCain team is contemplating a major makeover for the sass of the ticket.

“It will be kind of like that movie She’s All That, except Sarah’s obviously not in high school,” McCain fashion guru, Carla Stripes said. “She might act like she’s still in high school, but now she can definitely look like it, too.”

Plans include a new line of dresses to replace her trademark dress suits, which proved to be the dagger in Hillary Clinton’s farcical campaign. Also being considered is a weekly “Swimsuit Saturday,” where Palin would don her cherished American flag bikini and tour small towns in battleground states, where the population is predominately comprised of greasy, toothless folks who aren’t accustomed to seeing the bare skin of non-kin.

“It’s a risky move, but we don’t want to look back in November and realize John McCain lost the election because Sarah didn’t properly use her assets,” Stripes said. “We’ve found that people are tired of listening to her read from telepromtors, so this is our best option. Especially if we decide to take advantage of the pole dancing classes she’s been taking.”

On a side note, the worst dressed woman this year is “American Idol” psychotic judge, Paula Abdul – an award that surprised nobody. Not even Paula Abdul.

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