Tag Archives: Palin scandal

Obama Denounces Kimbo Slice Comparison…Fight Planned

Corrupting the News…

Amidst predictions that his presidency would prove as farcical as Kimbo Slice’s MMA career, Barack Obama is now considering a three-event showdown with the once-revered fighter in an attempt to bolster his fledgling Washington street cred.

The event comes as reaction to a recent McCain ad that juxtaposes Obama’s tenuous voting record with Slice’s unimpressive performance in the ring.

“Barack Obama’s voted present 129 times during his brief tenure in the U.S. Senate, while Kimbo Slice can’t even put the beat down on skinny white boys,” the ad narrates. “Clearly neither one is as courageous as he’s cracked up to be.”

Team Obama is now working feverishly to schedule the trio of competitions aimed at reinventing the candidate’s toughness image.

Aside from a three-round MMA match, the plan also includes a Slice-Obama economic policy debate and slam dunk contest.

“Clearly the biggest concern right now is the debate on the economy,” said Obama aide, Andrew Sullivan. “Anyone who has duped as many people as Kimbo Slice obviously knows a thing or two about how the American economy works. That said, we expect Barack to kick Kimbo’s ass in the ring, while his skills on the basketball court are well documented.”

Experts contend that Obama’s massive reach will prove unbeatable for the slow and stocky Slice, as the junior senator from Illinois is expected to use his quick hands to slay the slumping street fighter.

“Obama has a crazy wingspan – no way Slice even lays a hand on him,” said Carl Watkins, managing editor of Beat Down magazine. “Slice’s only chance would be to wrestle around with Obama. I mean just look at the guy. He’s a great senator, and I really hope he wins the election, but he’s just a skinny little fucker.”

Not to be outshined, the McCain campaign announced today that the republican nominee is planning multiple appearances on Dancing with the Stars.

“This is a win-win, because the senator will get a chance to sway some women voters while also competing on his favorite show,” said McCain consultant, Woodrow Chopski. “Our main fear is that he falls and breaks a hip or has a heart attack and dies. He’s a fierce competitor, but competitiveness never dismisses the fact you’re old as shit.”

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McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ’99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

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