Tag Archives: Political Commentary

Sarah Palin Shopping Spree – News or Poor Judgment?

Considering the News…

So Sarah Palin likes nice clothes. Really nice clothes. What woman doesn’t?

The recent disclosure of the Republican National Committee’s $150K spent on campaign accessories (read Palin’s flashy outfits) has made a lot of jaws hurt, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. It shouldn’t be a topic at all. Politicians should look good. Give the crowd something to look at. Feel good about.

But it is a story. Especially considering the fiery sack of shit that is our current economy.

Hillary Clinton had $3,000 haircuts. John Edwards got his ears lowered $400 at a time. John McCain does is stumping two-step in $600 leather shoes. Barack Obama rocks Burberry – shit ain’t cheap.

So why doesn’t Palin get a pass? How can she be simultaneously lauded for her chic fashion sense and morally condemned for her chic fashion sense?

Because hockey moms aren’t supposed to wear $10k outfits. It just doesn’t make any damn sense. Wayne Gretzky’s mom maybe, but not your average rink-side bulldog cheering on her son’s 15-year-old AAU team.

Her authenticity falters. Her speeches about helping put food on the table and gas in the tank become condescending. Who can believe a woman shares your daily financial struggles when you know her leather boots are worth more than your weekly pay check.

But it’s no fault of hers. The McCain camp gave her the VISA card and what reasonable human being wouldn’t drop $49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenue? I’d be all over it. Never even been to Saks Fifth Avenue, but I’m intrigued by any clothing store where one can blow 50 grand without buying the same item twice.

Now McCain will suffer for this blank check. He took his prized hockey mom from Alaska, gave her a million-dollar makeover, and is left not with a perfect running mate, but exactly what he’s allegedly campaiging against – a spoiled Washington insider. This one just happens to be from Alaska.

(Author’s Note: I fully understand this expensive clothing will be donated to charity after the campaign. However, it makes little difference politically. The damage has been done.)

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McCain’s October Surprise…A Bristol Palin Wedding

Corrupting the News…

John McCain found the open seem. He’s back in the race. And he’s dusting off the tuxedo.

Amidst his recent tumble in the polls, losing valuable ground to Barack Obama, McCain is saving dates and preparing for the unthinkable October surprise – a Bristol Palin wedding.

With approximately five weeks until the election, it’s all coming together at the perfect time. Sarah Palin’s about as popular as Michael Richards, thus McCain and Co. are desperately trying to plunge all this shit down the clogged pipes of American media.

This is the headline-grabber they need right now. No talk of Troopergate or Moose hunting or appearing less competent than Katie Couric.

Bristol’s getting married and it’s gonna be the wildest gun-slinging shindig Alaska’s ever seen. The biggest public wedding since Charles and Diana…since the second season of The Bachelor…or the fourth season of The Bachelorette…or just about any season of The Flavor of Love

Needing to shore up support amongst middle-aged women, they’re throwing out the irresistible Bon Bon, the one event all women froth over. Middle-aged women love weddings like they love Regis, like they love slot machines and lavender candles.

They don’t care who or where or when. Just want to see that passion, that kiss. Want to feel love in the air. They yearn to be in the presence of a connection greater than any they themselves have ever been part of.

And a Bristol Palin wedding promises to be the tear-jerker of the fall season. Grey’s Anatomy producers are pissed off right now. So too the entire Lifetime writing staff.

This will be unmatchable, and the McCain camp is elated.

Bristol turns 18 on October 18th, and they’re dragging that poor, horny fuck, Levi Johnston down the aisle with her the next week.

Doesn’t matter if Sarah has to force him at gunpoint. This wedding’s happening. No doubt about it.

Every magazine’s cover photo. Every news program’s lead story. Every entertainment smut program’s lead story. Every punchline of every joke on every talk show. The publicity will be priceless and endless.

The president and McCain trading jokes under their breath in the front row…Obama’s got hope and change and 50 million in the bank, but we got Bristol and the election – God bless America!!!

Rush Limbaugh chewing pills in the restroom. Ann Coulter banging one of the groomsmen in the back of a pickup truck in the parking lot. Cindi and Sarah drunk and singing “Loving You is Easy” on the karaoke machine.

What a goddamn party. What an election. What a depressingly ignorant country if this ends up saving a campaign.

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McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

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McCain suspends campaign in order to campaign

Corrupting the News…

Maverick John delivered an unprecedented display of patriotism by suspending his presidential campaign to focus on the economic crisis that threatens to bankrupt egotistical moneymakers and financial institutions the country over.

As has been well-documented, such an economic disaster consequently figures to fuck all Americans – both documented and not – as lenders aim to cut credit umbilical cords. If such an atrocity were to occur, which seems inexorable without a swift bailout plan likely costing as much as the entire Iraq quagmire, Americans will suffer greatly.

“Americans aren’t cutting mustard without a creditor backing the purchase of the mustard…and the knife…and the mortgage on the house in which the cutting would be performed,” said McCain economic adviser Ralph Snitzel, who incidently starred in three Grey Poupon commercials from 1993-95. “The American way is integrally intertwined with mustard…ahem, credit.”

Which explains the Maverick’s self-ejection from the campaign trail. With an economic apocalypse on the horizon, McCain couldn’t fathom alienating his people.

“John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an election,” said McCain economic adviser, William Crystal, whose colossal profits from investing in derivatives single-handedly funded McCain’s campaign a year ago, when everyone else thought Mac was crazy, and delusional, and on the precipice of death. “Of course, I mean John McCain would rather lose an election than lose an economy.”

Fair enough.

McCain’s first mission after suspending his campaign was to make a stop at CBS studios, where he met with Katie Couric and attempted to convince the country that Sarah Palin’s recent appearance on the same news program was actually a joke, and that Palin isn’t, in fact, a bumbling idiot.

He also detailed how former president Ronald Reagan forecast our impending financial doom nearly three decades ago.

“Reagonomics is finally coming to fruition,” McCain said. “No one knew more about American capitalism than he did. The trickle-down effect he championed is finally coming down from the top, and it’s hitting the bottom feeders ten-fold right about now.”

And thank god.

John McCain, who has never reportedly attempted to replicate Reagan’s charm or wit, went onto to explain that he is as frightened as anyone.

He can’t sleep at night. Not even with all the pills. Not even after he’s had his half-cup of chocolate frozen yogurt following dinner. Insomnia haunts his being, although it hasn’t evidently deterred his campaign.

Following his stop at CBS, McCain was slated for non-campaign campaign stops at CNN, Fox News, NBC, and MSNBC, as well as a rash of appearances in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, Virginia, Florida, Iowa, and Nevada.

“This stretch should prove to be the most critical in Senator McCain’s campaign against partisan campaigning, which is exactly why he won’t give in to Barack Obama’s unpatriotic and shallow attempt to move forward with the scheduled presidential debate on Friday,” said a McCain staffer, who spoke under conditions of anonymity for fear of being sent to McCain’s Alaskan headquarters – the Alaska Governor’s mansion.

“If Senator Obama wants to debate the economy in times of an economic crisis, well, he’s got another thing coming.”

Indeed, McCain isn’t campaigning, which, perhaps, is the best approach he has taken in this entire campaign.

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McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ’99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

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