Tag Archives: Presidential Election

Obama aims for mandate – queue Katherine Harris hunt

Considering the News…

Park the trucks and open the coolers – the workday is done. Now it’s up to the one-time superstars to get out and make sweet love to the ballots…make some history. Only voter lethargy stands between Barack Obama and the presidency. Well, that and maybe Katherine Harris apologists.

With the majority of early voters having supported Obama, McCain probably lost the election before election day ever arrived. Reports from MSNBC and CNN both indicate Mr. Maverick needs something like 115 percent of the undecided voters to clear the wicked hurdle of Obama’s high-rising and well-calculated campaign. Not a likely feat considering the math.

Which brings four questions to the table. 1) What the hell was McCain doing for those five months when Hillary and Barack were still engaged in that heated bar brawl? 2) How will the swindlers attempt to steal the election? 3) If Obama wins, will he secure a mandate? 4) Can similarly faulty polls to those that preceded the New Hampshire primary mean this race was closer than most figured?

Something has to give. No way McCain just rolls over and dies like this. Not by giving a final speech of a two-year campaign and lifelong mission about…coal mines?

Odd, I know. I hadn’t presumed even an erratic mind like McCain’s could conjure up the preposterous notion that this line could sink the titanic ship Obama’s been cruising on. No chance in hell. But leave it to McCain to invoke underground fossils as his campaign finale. Perhaps he was being mildly methaphorical. Perhaps incredibly humorous.

So there must be something else brewing in the GOP labratories. Even after running a half-ass campaign with no real momentum outside a three-week Alaskan bender, it’s still impossible to conclude republicans have conceded this election. Even when you consider that the next president must face a 400-mph shitstorm with only a white blanket to shield himself, the GOP doesn’t pass up on any opportunity to sustain power. Just not in their political genes.

Thus we must brace ourselves for the shadiest of tactics. Prepare for the stories of thousands left standing in line outside precincts (while precincts will stay open, to what hour of the night will change-seeking voters stand in line?). We must acknowledge the likelihood of some being turned away because Charles Brown Jr. is a felon, even though Charles Brown III isn’t (many expunged voters have been re-added to voting lists, but mass confusion will still unfold).

Should many inner-city voters be turned away, at least we’ll know the answer to question one: What the hell was McCain doing those first five months when his campaign was less organized than George Costanza’s wallet? We’ll know he didn’t need to invest much energy in this race, because the Katherine Harris philosophy doesn’t require efficient campaigning (or even a message) to win an election.

But I don’t anticipate much resistance, not after the 2000 fiasco. The Obama team has studied the angles, read the reports, and won’t allow it on any grand scale. Obama volunteers and staffers will be breathing down the neck of every precinct official, ensuring the sanctity of the vote.

However, an Obama mandate will require an epic wave of voters turning out for the first time. If the youth and black vote turns out as expected, then he has a respectable chance at a mandate. It’s imperative he drive up the vote even in states he won’t win, such as Mississippi, South Carolina, and Alabama, while also padding the vote in locked states like New York and California. It’s unlikely he will secure the needed electoral votes for a mandate, but this is a campaign with big ambitions, so stay tuned.

Either way. An Obama victory – even by the slightest of margins – will be an enormous testament to democracy as a system and Americans as a society. That a mere community organizer could rise up and reclaim the government for regular citizens means change is on the horizon.

The fear tactics have been thwarted. The mudslinging has been cleaned up. And the time for change will be officially documented some time in the early hours of Wednesday, November 5, 2008.

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McCain buys house on eBay…Denies allegations of drug use

Corrupting the News…

Keeping track of all those houses just got a little tougher for John McCain. He doesn’t have a clue what the count is up to these days.

But whether he figures the dwelling count to be at one or two or seven is immaterial, as rumors are now circulating that he recently acquired yet another one.

When Joanne Smith of Chicago won an eBay auction for an abandoned crack house in Saginaw, Michigan, early reports indicated she aimed to do the wise thing: fix it up and flip it on the booming Saginaw crack house market.

Having won the glorified shed for only $1.75, the story was initially trumpeted as a quasi-humorous testament to the slumping housing market, or as they say about foreclosures in Saginaw, “Folks abandoned they home.”

However, further investigation has shed light on potentially shady property dealings by John McCain, namely that Smith was bidding on his behalf.

Witness claims of fraudulent behavior by Mr. Mac are mounting fast, as nearly two dozen Saginawians say they personally witnessed McCain inspecting the property during a Michigan campaign stop in June.

“I seen that McCain looking at the house for over an hour – but maybe it was only a couple minutes – and maybe it was another house,” said Saginaw resident, Travis Henry. “I was pretty drunk that day.”

The McCain camp is refuting accusations of any wrongdoing, saying McCain owning any property in Saginaw would be impractical since he already owns homes in Sterling Heights and Kalamazoo.

“Do you have any clue how far up north Saginaw is?” Said McCain property manager, Tyler Donahue. “He’d freeze his bloody balls off living in Saginaw. Go get yourself a fucking map before you bring these kind of charges.”

Allegations began swirling after it was revealed earlier this week that McCain didn’t, in fact, own seven houses, but 47…now 48, if his ownership of the crack house in Saginaw is confirmed.

But some experts contend that media institutions are missing the point.

“It’s not a question of how many houses a man owns – shit, McCain could own every house in Sandusky, for all I care,” said Carl Crawford, lead statistician at the Washington think tank, People With Many Houses. “The true question is what the hell does McCain want with a decrepit, trick-infested crack house in Saginaw. Why, he could buy a meatball sandwich and increase his personal worth more than this.”

Democratic opposition research teams have been working for months to tie Senator McCain to several drug scandals across the county – ecstasy rings in Phoenix, amphetamine production in Marshalltown, his wife’s Vicodin and Percocet addiction, and now a crack hotel in Saginaw.

To Bill Watkins of MoveUp.org, McCain’s alleged interest in an abandoned crack house makes perfect sense.

“To believe Senator McCain is involved with drugs isn’t entirely unfounded,” said Watkins. “If you just listen to the guy stutter and mumble, or hear that uncomfortable and nervous laugh, or see the way he’s always showing too much of his gums when he smiles, or that glazed look in his eyes – all the signs lead to one thing. We have a hunch it might be crack.”

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McCain’s Crappy Week…Barack’s Big Gift

John McCain better organize another Republican National Convention. Better do it fast. Maybe by the end of the week.

Hell, it might be a good idea for him to host one or two each week until the election. Otherwise McCain-Palin doesn’t stand a chance…two bumbling idiots who can’t seem to do anything right aside from reading the script.

Since the dramatic convention – bolstered by the horny hoopla encompassing Palin hysteria – it’s been a jagged, sanity-ravaging journey for the Sidestep Express. Shit doesn’t look good. Looks like Heather Locklear might be driving.

Thus the need for mass distraction. Summon Karl Rove. Write a few noble speeches. Some good old fashion liberal bashing.

Somebody bleach Ann Coulter’s hair, give her a new push-up bra, and throw her on stage…those devil-worshipping libs want to give abortions to every pregnant teenager raised by Bible-defying faggots who want state-sponsored health care to pay for it!

Nothing else will suffice. Anything less would be a travesty. That’s the recipe for victory – not this “hope” and “change” bullshit.

Might be too late. The radical Obama has it in cruise control. A 500-million dollar sedan doing 110 through Chevy Chase…destination White House.

Did you see the poll numbers? More Americans thought that Muslim Barack appeared more presidential during the debates. More presidential than the man who’s been auditioning for the job for 25 years – Fucking unbelievable!

That’s the conversation being had in every McCain office across the country. Staffers are pocketing staplers and laptops. Volunteers are making off with phones and office furniture. Rusted pickup trucks are swarming the parking lots outside, ready for some serious knuckle-gouging campaign dumpster diving.

It’s a going out of business sale. Everything must go. And it’s gotta go now.

There’s no telling how long this charade can continue – not with the senile campaign McCain’s been running this past week. It all sounds pretty damn familiar, too.

This from the same guy who already canned nearly his entire staff earlier in the gauntlet. Pink slips going around McCain offices like Chlamydia at Delta Delta Gamma. Nobody was immune.

He ran his own campaign and things were ugly. No organization. No message. No game plan.

Yet he somehow survived long enough to actually claim the nomination – to the surprise of everybody except McCain himself…even Cindi called him a dumbass for running. And yet the creepy bastard actually won.

His campaign inspired absolutely no one, but he managed to steal a victory by outlasting a republican field entirely comprised of candidates who as children were never picked better than last in dodge ball.

Huckabee and Romney are still shaking their heads for blowing it…Jeb Bush and Newt Gingrich are kicking each other in the ass for miscalculating the republicans’ chances this year…Schwarzenegger’s taking Xanax by the bottle for not being a nationalist…

But despite his unlikely rise to the nomination, his unlikely surge in the polls behind his unlikely selection of a pair of 36-Cs from Alaska, McCain still figures to blow it all for making one stubborn-ass mistake again and again – making critical decisions without consulting anyone…anyone…not even the guys he’s paying to help him do just that.

Indeed, hubris is wrecking McCain’s campaign. It’s not a lack of money, message, or morale anymore. John McCain’s personal perception of John McCain’s decision-making abilities is dooming this campaign.

First he puts a moratorium on campaigning…then takes precious time for TV appearances…and then travels to the White House to listen as his colleagues discuss something they all actually know a thing or two about – the economy.

That could have only been McCain’s idea. No way Steve Schmidt’s throwing him to the wolves like that.

No way Schmidt said, “Senator, everyone knows you don’t know dick about the economy. You actually sound like a moron when you even bring it up. In fact, people laugh at you most of the time. It’s goddamn embarrassing, sir.

“But despite all that, we’d like to suspend your campaign and send you to Washington to help pass the biggest economic bailout in our nation’s history. We want to highlight your incredible lack of knowledge on the topic. It will be the focus of your campaign from here on out – the fact you failed economics twice in high school…and then once in the academy. It will scare the shit out of everyone. It will be fucking great.”

No way that happened. No goddamn way.

McCain even attempted to cancel the first presidential debate just to show people how freaking serious he was. That’s right. Instead of debating the economy during times of economic crisis, affording the country a prime opportunity to deduce which candidate has the better ideas, McCain wanted to cruise to Washington in order to discuss…the economy.

But he never really had a hand in it – no matter what his lackeys tried to claim on the Sunday morning news circuit. The only hands he had were the two he sat on while competent congressmen addressed the issue. He just watched. Occasionally called somebody an idiot. Almost forced the republican house members to back out.

And for it all, it’s Barack Obama who comes away looking like some economics Yoda, maybe Adam Smith – not McCain. Most people couldn’t tell you what role Barack even played in the discussion, they just know he didn’t almost sink the deal like McCain with his irritable politiking.

But McCain’s shitty week didn’t end there. That would’ve been too easy.

Remember when his campaign was actually surging like a breeding steed? Remember that? It was when he went door-to-door selling broken off-shore drilling policies…Drill, Baby, Drill!!!

Well, that bill passed on Saturday. America’s ban on off-shore drilling was lifted.

And John McCain could have been there for the ticker-tape parade…But he wasn’t. Didn’t even show up to vote for the bill that launched the resurgence of his campaign. Why? He was busy lifting his own ban. You know that one he put on his campaign last week.

Just another great decision by a man who’s ready to lead the country. Ready to lead the country into the nearest freaking loony bin.

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Watching football with Barack – McCain packs his bags

John McCain is in some serious shit.

His chances at the White House are fading faster than Elizabeth Taylor’s sense of reality. Even Palin’s questioning the dire outlook, wishing she wouldn’t have muted Desperate Housewives to pick up the phone and accept the invitation onto the Sidestepping Express.

The Associated Press released a poll today that likely spells the end of yet another failed presidential run for Maverick Mac. Numbers seldom lie, not unless age, weight or infidelities are involved. And these numbers had to steal Mac’s breath like a piece of steak fat caught in the throat – More Americans would prefer catching a football game with Barack, a devastating statistic that analysts say is more representative of the electorate body than favorableness or confidence polls.

If someone can’t fathom spending an entire Saturday or Sunday afternoon with you watching pigskins fly, there’s not a chance in hell they will stomach voting you into office. Not when it means four, possibly eight, years of unexpected game interruptions so you can blather on about international crises, economic fallouts, and the like, while the Packers and Cowboys are duking it out in overtime.

No, not in this country. Not now. Not when football’s only competition for attention on the weekend is sex. Even that barely holds weight in a showdown with such a formidable opponent. The excitement and promise for rewards just isn’t there like it is on the gridiron.

Thus McCain better ignite the farewell tour. Shake hands with the folks who made ill-advised donations to the campaign. Apologize to the state of Alaska for dragging their beautiful state through the muck while their once-revered governor flashes her brutal scabs and bruises to the entire country…world.

Indeed, sitting next to Mac for an entire football game, let alone an entire day of games, would be nearly insufferable. The irrelevant comments. The contrived chuckles. The sporadic farts and burps. The continual flip-flopping through the game’s entirety, always rooting on the winning team. Eating all the god damn pretzels…not what this country needs right now.

Dirty Bill and W? The country would surely catch a game with either one of them. Put politics aside. Bring out the beers, let W chop the rails, and enjoy a clash of titans. Barack would fit right into the party. Him and W telling old stories like they were college roommates. Bill brings the ladies and James Carville taps the keg – enough said.

But McCain? No, the only thing worthwhile he would bring to the soiree is Sarah Palin. And she doesn’t even like football. She would suggest we turn on the Vancouver Canucks and Toronto Maple Leafs match. People would stare. Frightened stares.

And then collectively think – and we were this close to putting these people in the White House.

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Hackers Seize Palin’s Email and Obama’s Fantasy Football

Corrupting the News…A slew of privacy invasions has all of Washington on edge. Nobody appears to be safe.

First it was access to Sarah Palin’s email account the hackers seized.

Then it was Barack Obama’s fantasy football team they jostled.

Rumors are now swirling that John McCain’s Facebook profile was sabotaged.

It’s all just gone too damn far.

The inexcusable trespasses began when some foul rogue cracked Palin’s password for her Yahoo! email account and uploaded several screen shots on the gossip Web sites Gawker and WIRED. Her personal ID was GovernorBulldog69. It appears her password was also GovernorBulldog69.

Yahoo! government relations director, Thomas Dupri, said this could have been easily avoided.

“We typically suggest our users employ a little common sense when creating passwords,” Dupri said. “I mean, Sarah Palin could have at least made the password ‘GovernorBulldog6969’ so it wasn’t exactly the freaking same. God damn unbelievable is what it is.”

Unfortunately for the public, the hackers didn’t reveal any juicy information. No secret files. No plots. No schemes. No photos of Sarah Palin tied up to the bed with lavender satin scarfs on Valentines Day back in 1999. Nothing.

“It’s really a shame that nothing worthwhile was released,” said popular culture critic, Clyde Foster. “They didn’t even give us a bloody bone here. What, we get Bristol’s cell phone number? The broad has been knocked up for crying out loud.”

The perpetrators also succeeded in gaining access to Barack Obama’s fantasy football team. It’s been widely reported that Senator Obama inadvertently selected the “Remember Password” option when signing in to set his weekly roster while visiting a public library in Fargo, South Dakota.

“His whole roster was trashed,” said Obama fantasy football consultant, Bill Brackens. “Who trades Aaron Rodgers for fucking Vince Young? Vince Young! The guy’s out of his mind – probably won’t ever see the field again. And Rodgers? His stats are sick. This was a huge blow to Barack’s chances.”

Aside from trading Green Bay Packers starting quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, for the Tennessee Titans mentally-questionable backup quarterback, Vince Young, the perpetrators also dropped the four running backs on Obama’s roster and signed pot-smoking jackals Dante Culpepper and Lawrence Phillips – both of whom are out of football and probably awaiting trial for some heinous crime.

John McCain’s Facebook profile also fell victim to hackers, however, the damage was minimal. Under the information section where users define their sexual preferences, McCain’s status was changed from “I am interested in my wife” to “I am interested in dudes.”

The McCain campaign has yet to comment.

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Obama the Christian…McCain the Rebel

Prepare for some savage road rage. Obama’s officially out for blood. He’s harvesting plans for a massive base expansion. And he’s gunning for Christians. Go figure.

Having watched McCain hijack his change wagon to Washington by strapping a provocative sophomore coed named Sarah Palin in the passenger seat, Obama is now hell-bent on nudging his adversary’s pro-life minivan into the ditch for restitution.

The Obama campaign recently produced a litany of faith-based political paraphernalia to sink a fierce donkey tooth into the republican stronghold – ardent pro-life Christians who traditionally tend to view Democrats and bird shit splattered on the windshield in the same gloomy light.

Believers for Barack…Catholics for Barack…Pro-Life/Pro-Obama…Joel Osteen Impregnated an Obama Mama!

Bumper stickers featuring these slogans will have drivers veering off roads across the country. Regular folks befuddled and confused, struggling to recall which side of the damn road they’re supposed to drive on.

And this from a candidate whom many religious conservatives fear to be of the Islamo-Fascist persuasion…like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Muhammad Ali and any citizen of a country that begins with the letter I (note: this namely implies Iraq and Iran, however, I’ve recently crossed many Americans fostering beef with Ireland and Italy as well).

That’s what happens when you let a 72-year-old man steal your ride. Not even at gunpoint. Just flat out stole the fucker while you were inside paying for gas.

Indeed, the grim future of American politics will soon be mirrored in the chaos of ideologically drunk citizens navigating too many slippery roads. Everyone driving all over the map, taking any and every ill-advised route, making directions up as they go along.

And then all will be well again. Just as long as someone gets where they originally intended to go…Pennsylvania Avenue.

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McCain and Obama now seek CEO position

Corrupting the News…Amidst allegations that none of the presidential or vice presidential candidates boast enough experience to handle CEO duties at a major corporation, truth squads for both camps released background information that suggests just the opposite.

The egregious statements made by former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, came as a shock to both candidates, especially McCain, whom Fiorina was supposedly surrogating for on national television.

“That bitch’s travel expenses won’t be covered,” said McCain campaign assistant director, Paul Shuck.

The McCain staff also issued a statement earlier today that said, “While Senator McCain may have never ran a business of his own, per se, he has been intimately involved with many individuals who have – or whose parents have.”

The Obama office replied in just as much haste, releasing notarized documents from 1986, when the junior senator established Ivy League Scrappers, Inc., a Boston-based record label that filed for bankruptcy within 18 months of incorporating.

“There just wasn’t much hip-hop talent at Harvard,” said Obama deputy communications director, Roger Taft. “Obama was this close to signing ‘X 2 Tha Third Power,’ but that son of a bitch Suge Knight showed up.”

Both campaigns also defended the business records of their respective vice presidential candidates.

The McCain camp noted that Sarah Palin earned an estimated 1200 dollars in 1987 from sales of her original hockey puck-shaped cookies, which she baked at home when not working as a part-time sportscaster at a now defunct Anchorage news station.

The fate of her company, Puck-errred Lips Cookies, suffered an inexorable doom once local bakeries accused Palin’s hockey puck-shaped cookies of being blatant rip offs of their trademark design – the standard cookie.

The Obama camp is now reporting that running mate, Joe Biden, headed a 32-person operation that specialized in the manufacturing and distributing of premium earplugs. The design was comprised of a durable foam decorated with bedazzled jewels – low-cost, glitzy plastic that was all the rage from roughly the series premiers and finales of Full House and Rosanne.

Biden supposedly perfected the design by testing prototypes on his family members, mostly during his elaborate and loquacious rants about former president Richard Nixon being inherently evil on account of liking ketchup on his cottage cheese.

“Looking back, it explains a great deal about the closeness of my family,” Biden said. “They have been through a lot.”

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