Tag Archives: Sarah Palin Troopergate

McCain camp takes over Alaska…Palin as Tony Soprano

The Anchorage Daily News recently asked in an editorial, “Is it too much to ask that Alaska’s governor speak for herself, directly to Alaskans, about her actions as Alaska’s governor?”

Great question. Nobody seems to have any answers. Well, people have answers, they just aren’t coming from Governor Sarah Palin…they’re coming from Team America: John McCain.

While Palin tours Main Streets and Wall Street in the lower 48, she has reportedly turned over all communication regarding state government to McCain staffers. Even her own staff in the governor’s office is on the hush. Sitting on hands. Playing a great deal of solitaire. Searching for porn. Wondering if they will be rewarded with jobs in Washington…just about everything but their jobs.

Now it’s typical for presidential campaigns to assume the majority of communication when governor’s are involved, however, one cannot help wondering how the Troopergate affair is affecting things this time around. Breeds much suspicion.

Not even her lieutenant governor, Sean Parnell, has heard from her in over a week – not since Palin’s email was jacked by collegiate terrorists anyway.

What’s eerie about this perverse charade is how invasive the McCain camp has been. Not even Palin’s hometown friends are answering calls. People are freaked out. Nervous. Fearful of sending more cataclysmic shock waves through her already preposterous candidacy.

And it makes you wonder…are her friends, relatives, neighbors, lovers, fellow hunters, and political colleagues reluctant to speak for obvious political reasons, or are they straight terrified of what a vindictive, vendetta-driven wildebeest does when you piss her off by opening your mouth.

Surely Alaskans watch The Sopranos. Surely they know you don’t cross the boss. Especially with information.

No, no, no, you don’t want to be the Alaskan dimwit who admits Palin destroyed your lawn in her Ford F-350 diesel truck because you didn’t buy a coupon book for her daughter’s school fund raiser. Or the Wasilla town idiot who claims Palin never paid up when you shoveled her driveway back in ’99.

Alaska is certainly quieter than usual these days. Too quiet. Even for the mysterious state jammed between Canada and Russia.

People up there don’t want to say much these days. Not without first consulting the McCain campaign.

And when they do speak, they measure their words with the utmost caution. Knowing that Palin’s a helluva shot with the rifle. Knowing that Palin will be out for blood if anyone back home fucks this dream up for her.

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Palin proves VP worth…she’s slimy as Cheney

Sarah Palin might be president soon. Looks more and more like she would fit right in.

If McCain defies all common logic and limps into the White House, and then proceeds to fall on the low side of the established over-under on his life – 36 months seems the general assumption – Madame Palin has a tanning bed in the White House within weeks, if not days.

That’s a sanity-ravaging scenario that has half the country asking whether it’s too late for Obama to throw Biden to the hogs and stamp Oprah on the ticket. Hell, even Michael Phelps would energize the recently gloomy democratic base…lord knows he wouldn’t even have to speak, not even at the vice-presidential debate, but just smile and readjust his eight golden babies.

That’s right, Michael, we just want you to smile and play with the gold…smile and play with the gold.

But all fantasies aside, Palin has the third best chance to become president in this race, and her shady sidestepping in Troopergate indicates her views of executive power limits rival the disturbing misconceptions of the current administration.

Nobody has a fucking clue what’s going on up there. The whole state of Alaska is having a collective brain fart, and it’s stinking up the entire continent. Even Putin smells it across the Pacific.

Because just who is handling the investigation, what procedures should be taken in the investigation, and what parties talk and walk is still an epic mystery. The FBI might be summoned in the coming weeks. Maybe Columbo is brought out of retirement. Something has to give. The plots devolving into a crappy episode of Survivor – everyone knows somebody should be doing something, but who addresses which jobs is anyone’s clue.

Up yours if you think I’m carrying them buckets!

The McCain-Palin camp is exhibiting the same callous disdain for the constitution as Bush and his goons, resolving that those with power make the rules. When rules challenge the power, well, damn it! power’s gotta fight back with a new set of rules.

Thus instead of complying with the original committee, Palin initiated a new investigation – with her appointed members – an investigation she figures to leave with the same gruesome blue balls as the first team.

How does she even claim authority on organizing the committee charged with the task of investigating her possible abuse of power? If Eliot Spitzer orders strippers to his own birthday party, do attendees not feel the least bit uneasy about soliciting a back-room lap dance?

No one’s taking any chances. It’s a free for all up there. A game of Clue, yet everyone already knows it was Palin…in the governor’s office…with the executive ax.

Six percent of the Alaskan population is now Washington lawyers, as McCain sent in his wrecking crew to reinforce the demolition squad Palin already had in place. 13 subpoenaed witnesses have fled the state like escaped convicts, one of which is Palin’s dimwitted Levi’s Jean model husband, Tim, who can’t appear for questioning because she has the jewels in a vice and needs him on the next plane to Sandusky.

Needs him out of town? So he can stand behind her and make sure the telepromtor doesn’t malfunction? So he can assure her that her ass doesn’t look big when she wears the red dress? So he can protect her from McCain’s wandering, decrepit hands?

No, because sidestepping an investigation until November is the only option.

The election’s but a few weeks off. Liberal shock and bewilderment looming in the stagnant air of early November. Bottles of champagne being ordered to conservative headquarters.

Current poll numbers mean little. The McCain-Palin camp are ruthless schemers, much like the indignant flag-wavers in office right now. October – the month of surprises. The GOP doesn’t take chances, it wins (a subjective verb) elections.

Yes, America, McCain and Palin will bring change to Washington, change to the White House, change you can believe in…if you believe change is simply replacing two crooks with two new ones – plus tits, lipstick, and a better shot in the woods.

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