Tag Archives: Sports

Michael Phelps enjoys a nice toke – Plus, why Olympic champions who get photographed smoking pot make good role models

Considering the News…

Supernatural athletic ability may launch one to the pinnacle of the sports world, however, it evidently can help one mature with no more haste than the virgin junior-varsity bench warmers of the world.

That a 23-year-old male engaged in a fuzzy little bong session at a frat party will alarm few. In fact, a 23-year-old male enjoying an occasional toke seems right in line with American tradition, post 1955.

Law students, nurses, veterinarians, trash collectors, political aides – choice of profession has no chemical effect on the innate connection between 20-somethings and the ganja. The synergy between the two is quite remarkable.

And yet once 14 or 15 Olympic gold medals enter the fog, stunned faces steal the majority like somebody just crapped on the president’s shoe. Bemused people all wondering how God’s holy world could ever allow for a sports icon to become the front runner for High Times Man of the Year.

Michael Phelps is without question a legend in the athletic sense, but his frequently impaired and hypocritical judgment reminds us he is no more a role model than a blazed, barely conscious, wannabe Rastafarian in Central Park.

His destiny has become quite predictable: Win a Volkswagen van full of gold medals and make an ass of himself for an encore.

Thus, American media is premature in proclaiming him a role model, for what parent wants his life for their children?

Who says, ‘I want my son to win 6 gold medals, follow it up with a DUI, mend his image by joining a World Anti-Doping Agency program, win another 8 gold medals, get a million dollars from Speedo, have everyone calling, then give my wife a bloody heart attack by getting photographed pulling bong tubes and feeling up a stripper – all in a few-year span.”

No one. That’s too damn much for even the sturdiest minds.

Thus, Michael Phelps may be a role model after all, and as important a role model as there ever was. I suspect now I will one day have the ‘Michael Phelps’ talk with my children, emphasizing that while gold medals and endorsements can do a great deal for one’s public image and self esteem, voyeuristic photographers will stop at nothing to leave their wonder world in a ruins of g-strings and bong water.

“So what will it be, son?” I shall ask. “Do you wish for a private life where you are free to smoke marijuana and grope strippers in your spare time, or do you want to be an Olympic champion getting paid millions to pose in a Speedo, never able to freely smoke some marijuana, or perhaps grope a stripper or two, without the whole world going ape shit?”

His initial response will reflect what kind of person he intends to be. My only wish is he passes on the Speedo.

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Tim Tebow, future President of the United States?

Considering the News…

I’m now convinced Florida Gators football superstar, American legend, and Christian goodfella, Tim Tebow, will be President a day not too far from today. No doubts. No reservations about that one.

The guy exudes confidence. Spouts leadership. Is to charisma what Amy Winehouse is to crackheads – the definition.

Now some will say, hey, what about him being born in the Philippines? No way he can be President. Just not constitutional. Can’t happen.

Well, such minutiae, no matter how damning, is never impugn to the smearing and twisting of a genuine spin doctor – at least not one worth his or her weight in venom and wax. Was Barack Obama born within domestic borders? Kenya? Malaysia? Hawaii? Ah, who cares, the guy weaves rhetorical gold at the podium. The same will hold true for Florida’s chosen son, the natural hybrid of Abe Lincoln and Johnny Unitas.

Then some will say, hey, the guy’s like 21 years old. That’s way too young to be President.

Yes, such restrictions can hinder progress at times. But what about the Chinese Olympic Gymnastics team? Talent can make 12 the new 16 with few hardships when the right people rework the script. Thus I’m confident Tebow can smile and fist-pump his way to 40 in no time. Little effort required, to say the least.

Then some might say, hey, can he even win any southern state other than Florida after pummeling their football teams every year for seemingly an entire decade?

Football is next to religion down south, and Tebow’s dominance makes him somewhat of a demagogue in the region. Touchdowns are the new doctrine, you see. He’ll sweep every state by at least 95-5, with the other 5 percent going to Mike Huckabee and Jeb Bush.

So there you have it, Tim Tebow is destined to become President. No force, formidable as it may be, is going to impede his mystical ascension to the pinnacle of national prominence. Not even  a few minor rules and technicalities can stop him. Maybe not even Jesus.

Ok, probably Jesus. But nothing else.

Either way, I can’t imagine voting for him. Can’t stand the Gators.

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The Juice faces 6 years to life – The squeeze is on

Considering the News…

O.J. can set the golf clubs down and grab a trash pick, because the only greens he’ll be seeing for awhile will be roadside ditch weeds as he stabs at McDonald’s sacks  in his neon orange vest.

Yes sir, the Juice is finally doing time. Six years to life, in fact. Should be brutal. Especially as he sits in his unfinished cell block trying to wrap his meager mind around the bewildering fact a man can actually do hard time for stealing his own shit. Simply dumbfounding, I know, Juice.

But all the glitter isn’t gold, as they say, and the sparks around O.J. Simpson’s once glorified life have faded faster than the 2008 Buffalo Bills.

Perhaps the Juice will use this opportunity to establish a new state of mind, one that doesn’t take orbit around his own greed and self-centered ambitions, one where ex-lovers become friends and fans find equal ground with stars.

Maybe he’ll find Jesus. Maybe he’ll find Allah. Maybe he’ll find Tito the lovely body builder from cell block 9.

Not sure. Nor do I care. The glove fit this time and they used it to keep hands clean while squeezing the freedom juice from Simpson’s fantasy world. Ain’t life grand, that so many can find peace and joy in the unnecessary sorrows of such a confused soul.

oj-simpson-tv-book-special-hypothetical-11-16-2006   

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Lance Armstrong fears attack – French people still crazy

Considering the News…

Word on the bike trail is the French are going to unleash the fury on Lance Armstrong next summer, when the 7-time Tour de France champion emerges from retirement in a quest for yet another title.

Armstrong has expressed his fear of being brutalized by a pack of crazed frogs, who he evidently  believes are all foaming at the mouth, eager to get a lick or two on him. Armstrong falsely imagines that the French, who hate all Americans, hate him the most on account of his dominance in their silly, shitty little race.

This story naturally means two things…

1) The French are in serious need of a new passion. When only wine and bicycling get you out of bed in the morning, one should consider grabbing a bottle of Wild Turkey, some Xanax, and a .44 Magnum. A memorable afternoon surely awaits any man or woman (even the French) brandishing those mind-blowing items.

2) Lance Armstrong is crazy as shit. This paranoid and newly inspired version of Armstrong should not be allowed in or on anything that moves faster than 6 mph. Not until his sanity returns and the illusions of 700-pound vultures chasing him through the desert disappear. His mind is moving much too fast these days. And going to France again cannot be the answer.

Would a sane man agree to this?

Would a sane man agree to this?

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16-year-old Schoolgirl to become first Japanese female professional baseball player

Considering the News…

I read this headline half a dozen times before actually clicking through. My initial thoughts were, “Oh, those Japanese and their silly marketing tactics. What will they think up next?”

But then it occurred to me that there might be something more to the story, some freakish angle that no curious mind should neglect to enjoy. I began wondering, “What if this one’s like 6-6, 250 and throws in the upper 90s, the product of some bizarre Japanese genetics tests that could someday lead to the first 10-foot-tall, 1,000-pound man…I’d be a fool to pass up a good read like that!”

So I finally clicked through and read about a 5-foot, 114-pound knuckleballer drafted by the newly created Independent League set to launch next April. Indeed, the exact kind of trivial fluff I rightly assumed awaited me, and many thousands of other curious folks, behind the tantalizing headline.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a silly marketing tactic!

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a silly Japanese marketing tactic!

Those fucking Japanese and their silly marketing tactics…sure fooled me.

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Mark Cuban charged for insider trading…Idiot stock rises

Considering the News…

Mark Cuban is many things – owner of the Dallas Mavericks, a billionaire, a balding wannabe playboy, and a hopeless dillweed, but now he can even tack “outed white collar crook” to that list.

The SEC has filed a civil lawsuit against Cuban, accusing the friendless rogue of insider trading. Martha Stewart all over again, as apparently Cuban received some good info on a going-nowhere search engine company named Mamma.com back in 2004.

After swearing to conceal all knowledge regarding the worst-named company of all time, Cuban – to his credit – kept it on the hush for a whopping 8 minutes, when he called up his broker and yelled “SELL!” on his $750,000 in stock.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

Cuban continues to find new ways of embarrassing himself.

The unabashed scrub-monger who wastes millions each year on the overpriced salaries of washed up hacks was actually worried about losing a few hundred G’s on a stock. Wow. Now he faces SEC charges and potential jail time because of it, leaving us to conclude one thing – his stock in idiocy is recession-proof. Buy now!  

On a related note, perhaps Cuban should have sought a little insider information on that Devin Harris for Jason Kidd trade, because that was a stupid investment if ever there was one.

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McCain: Phiten necklace keeps me alive

Corrupting the News…

It appears John McCain is a rather superstitious man. He’s betting his life on voodoo.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today McCain told reporters that he would have been “old news” if not for his Phiten necklace, which stabilizes the electric flow nerves use to communicate actions to the body.

“Just look at me, look at this withered old body – was there any question I have some help,” he said, flossing the necklace to oohs and ahs of reporters. “I wouldn’t even be able to get my crusty balls out of bed in the morning if not for this technological miracle. It’s second to nothing, except maybe the Blackberry – which I, of course, invented.”

McCain claims Phiten necklaces keep him going

McCain: Phiten necklaces keep me going

Phiten necklaces – invented by Japanese quasi-doctor/scientist, Yoshihiro Hirata – are highly popular among athletes, who believe the magnetic circles grant them superhuman powers.

“John Daly, John Kruk, Kimbo Slice – they’re all big on this shit,” said Clyde Hopp, managing editor of Fake Medicine in Athletics. “It’s practically a necklace made out of drugs. It’s that awesome.”

Some experts question the plausibility of a necklace of tiny magnets having any actual effect on the body, calling claims of superhuman abilities gained through jewelry “absolutely preposterous.”

“You’re telling me I can put a necklace around my neck and prolong life or gain superhuman athletic abilities,” said Dr. Tom Braley. “Yeah, and I’m fucking Iron Man.”

Despite not having any substantial evidence that the necklaces work, the McCain campaign is having a Phiten necklace, earings, and bracelets made for Sarah Palin.

“Right now we need as much blood or electricity or whatever the hell it is flowing through that woman’s brain,” said McCain aide, Bill Bryer. “We need as much help as possible. Jewelry, voodoo, witchcraft – we’re exploring all options.”

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