Tag Archives: Technology News

The Osama Bin Laden Guide to Immortality

Considering the News…

Former terrorism mogul and one-time television sensation Osama bin Laden has lugged his crippled bones out of the death box once again, this time calling for jihad hell in Israel until Jerusalem is rightfully or wrongfully (who really knows) returned to the Palestinians.

Bin Laden, the generous soul that he was, also welcomed the President-elect to the world stage with a nugget of invaluable advice, namely that his unthoughtful predecessor is leaving him a pile of shit and he might consider withdrawing American troops if he doesn’t wish to step in it.

Initially, my reaction to this latest installment in The Middle East is Fucked Diaries was “Wow, that inbred clown is still around. Go figure.” Then it was, “Wow, what happened to al-Quaida’s marketing budget? They go from polished militant videos to a barely audible audio recording played over a picture of Osama from 1998? Something’s gone terribly wrong here. Have they not been to Best Buy Dubai lately? Have they not seen the kickass HD camcorders on the market?”

Further analyzing this Wizard of OZ tomfoolery spawned thoughts of my own immortality, and what low-budget production might prolong my own impact beyond these living days. The exact nature and capacity of my impact concerned me little – only how I could prolong the damn thing.

Thus I commenced recording a manifest compilation of random, spontaneous, and often times nonsensical ramblings. No topic escaped my attention. I realized that the recorded word, no matter how outlandish, could ultimately breed everlasting life if the right people managed my affairs after my expiration.

My plan now is to find someone, anyone, to play my tapes (Yes, I’m using tapes) once every six months after my death. Then it will be as if I were alive and well and speaking the fine words of wisdom myself – and in real time, too.

By recording 200 or 300 variations of the same speech – occasionally throwing in a fact I trust will withstand the test of time (Say, the Palestinians and Israelis fighting an everlasting holy war) – and then summoning a responsible and trustworthy colleague to play the tapes while holding up a picture of me (Personal Note: Find old high school baseball photos), then immortality will be mine.

That oafish assclown Osama was a ruthless son of a bitch, but he certainly had it all figured out. What a prodigious mind that rat bastard had to be. Way ahead of his time. And apparently beyond his time to boot.

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President-elect Barry Obama loses the Blackberry – Scarlett Johansson’s pissed

Considering the News…

Times are hard for the soon-to-be commander-in-chief. It’s a brutal double-edged sword that is being President of the United States, the leader of the free world.

Ol’ Barry won the election and now has to kick his beloved Blackberry habit because of it. Which will be some feat, as reports indicate the poor bastard is hooked to the thing, like Canseco and steroids or Madonna and craziness. He can’t live without it, can’t sleep without it, can’t…well, let’s not go to those unsavory depths.

As all communications by the President are subject to open records laws, those kinky campaign emails Obama has been exchanging with the sexy, sassy Scarlett Johansson will become a thing of the past once he takes office.

Either that or they’ll become fodder for every pervert in America with some time and a sense of humor. Hmm…she does look like Marilyn while he inspires like Jack Kennedy. Hell, maybe the Oval Office will soon be back to the scandalous sex-riddled hot spot we knew and loved in past Democratic glory years.

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

Do you have email friends like this? Barack does...

But that’s getting off topic, now isn’t it. Point is Barack’s favorite companion will be sitting in the closet for the next 4 to 8 years (the Blackberry that is). Can’t let the enemy track him with all those fancy GPS tracking capabilities. Can’t let the Republican opposition research team know he called Bush “That dumb bastard before me,” in a jovial email to Joe Biden or Chuck Nagel or (gasp!) that punk Bill Ayers.

Who knows who Barry’s been emailing on the Blackberry, what we know is that any communications conducted via the Information Superhighway will be everyone’s entertainment come January 20, 2009.

The poor fool gets elected President and simultaneously thrown back to the Dark Ages. What a weird job.

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Filed under Dirty Politics